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And I guess, what makes it harder is when everyone around you keeps telling you, when you worry about not getting in anywhere, is "you'll definitely get in somewhere." Even worse, I turned down a job offer so I could apply, and one of my friends started bragging "Oh, she turned down 'so and so company' for grad school". And I had to ask her not to say that because if I didn't get in anywhere, it just makes me look... well, dumb and foolish. Which, I mean, I didn't take the job because if I was going to take a year off, I wanted it to be doing something that would strengthen future graduate applications with research and it wasn't. So I don't really regret it. But I'd rather not have the fact that I turned it down paraded around if I don't get in anywhere. Honestly, this is the first time I'm saying these feelings out loud because I haven't really felt like talking to anybody about them. Like, I told my friend about one of my rejections and made a sad face and said "Sorry." For some reason, this is just not what I want. I feel like my preferred response would have been "Okay" and then start talking about something else. I guess I just don't like feeling pitied. Like it's different when it's someone who's going through the same thing, like on here. But when it's not, it's just... I dunno. And I'm not actually mad at her (she obviously had good intentions), and I understand that people are different and some people want comfort in situations like that. But I guess because of #life, I am very independent when it comes to processing my emotions and just want to be on my own in cases like this.

Anybody else feel sorta confused? I know I applied to competitive programs, but I thought I'd have heard more positive news. I've gotten 2 formal rejections. 2 of my other programs have sent out some acceptances (no rejections yet) and I haven't heard anything. 1 program rejected me for a PhD, but offered me a masters (with no guaranteed funding, but likely some once I get there). I am certainly not the most competitive candidate, but I feel like I am decently competitive at least. My GREs are in the 90th percentile, except AW (which nobody seems to care about, but who knows?). I have 3.67 GPA, which is decent, but made better by the fact that if you took out my sucky first semester, I'd have about a 3.8. I wasn't even studying computer science at that point. And this is at a top 20 US school both in general and in CS. I have 2 summers of research at one of the top schools in the field, one summer which resulted in a publication (though I only found out after I submitted my apps). One of my LORs is from a dean of CS at a top school. I also did some chiller research at my home school, chiller because there isn't much research relating to my interests here. Lastly, I'm severely underrepresented in terms of diversity in my field, specifically at all of these schools I applied to. I know I'm not a drop-dead competitive candidate (no paper at NIPS ) and certainly didn't expect to get in everywhere I applied, but I really thought that I would have heard at least one positive thing by this point. Other than the 2 schools that it seems like I might be unofficially rejected from, I have one other PhD decision. I applied to another masters as a backup, but PhD is the goal and the dream. I guess, I feel frustrated because if I had some part of my application that I felt was severely lacking, then I could try to patch that up in the next year and reapply with higher hopes. But it's hard when I feel like I don't really know what else to do, other than, I guess, keep adding on more research, which is harder to do now that I'm graduating. The last program I have to hear from, the head of the department had contacted me last summer and encouraged me to apply. Unfortunately, he's no longer the head and just switched to another school, so I don't know how much impact that will have. I hope that it works out, but I have been making backup plans in the case that it doesn't. I would have applied to more schools, but my interests are kinda specific and so I focused on schools with decent fit.

Also, as I just saw a result pop up from one of my top choices (though only one and unofficial), I'm going to try and focus on finding things to do next year if things don't work out. Though I wouldn't be psyched to apply another round, it would be nice to enter grad school with some nice savings to rely upon. Also, I've been dreaming so much about schools that I think it'll be easier if I'm let down to have something exciting to look forward to.

Anybody get really into their head? Like sometimes if I start hoping too much, then I'm like, "Oh, better stop or you won't get in!" Haha, like obviously, my thought process has no effect on what the admissions committee decides, but thoughts like that run through my head all the time.

Man... Waiting isn't fun, but now I just feel so... I don't even know how to describe it. I guess, for other schools that had later projected dates, I'm chill about. But some of my schools have blown past their dates from last year, and I have no idea when to expect anything now. I'm hoping I hear soon. We have to RSVP for the LTI open house by next Monday, and as it's not my preferred option, I'd like to know whether it would be worth me visiting.

A little down. I just heard back from a school for the first time. I didn't get into the PhD program, but they offered me a masters. They said that most students secure partial or complete funding, but it's not guaranteed. That's gonna stress me out if I end up going there. Also, if I want to do my PhD anywhere else, that's going to turn a probable 6 year process into likely 8. And I'd have to go through this whole process again. It's hard because I feel like I should be thankful that I got something (and I am), but it's not the thing that I was hoping for.

Same here. I'm just worried. I was hoping to get into the PhD program. I'm concerned about the lack of guaranteed funding. Also, if I go to LTI and I want to do my PhD elsewhere, what was already a 6 year process will likely turn into 8 years. It's hard because I'm thankful that I have an option, but it's not the option I was hoping for.

I'll talk more about preferences if I'm blessed and get into any of these schools.

No, I'm not. This is going to be an interesting, possibly life-changing week.

I wrote down three I'd be interested in working with. One of my recommenders used to work there, so I'm hoping that will be helpful. We'll see.

I wonder why they're coming out so much later this year.

Grad student?

How reliable is this source?

Random question. I had an interview with a school, but it wasn't with a POI. The person who interviewed me said it was just for the admissions committee to get more information about me. He asked me about a research project I'd worked on and what I would hope to work on at that school. I guess, from what I've seen, interviews are typically with a person that you'd work with and that gives the interview a lot more context. What does it typically mean if you have an interview that's not focused on a POI?

And so begins the weekend, a time I used to love.