Tektonic

Well, "stage fright" and even "serious stage fright" do not adequately define this. Not that the things you describe aren't important, but they're mostly applicable to academics, which I do not want to stay in. And, the consequences of not being great in the situations you describe are not life altering, besides giving a job talk maybe, and I have zero intention of applying to jobs where a job talk would be relevant. It's a blip and people move on. This is not, it is life altering, and I am not overreacting. Without this one portion of an exam, I not only am forced to leave my program, but I will also lose my NSF funding. To be forced to do something that creates such a degree of distress in another person is just cruel. And I think to imply otherwise is ignorant and insensitive. Again, everyone has their strengths and programs should be building those, not making you feel like shit about yourself because you aren't exactly as they want you to be. And unless you have actually experienced this degree of distress in a similar situation, you cannot relate to it and have no right to tell me it's not that big of a deal. And maybe the field of linguistics and history is different but there is no way that several weeks to prepare is enough to know everything about even one field, much less multiple. In fact, most people can't speak about the specifics of even their own field because science has broadened so much into hundreds of sub-disciplines. And what I'm trying to convey is that this isn't something that someone can "just get through" or "learn to deal with." If I could just suck it up and make it happen, I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. I've been working on this problem for 10 years now and it's not getting better.

You're both right. I've tried the practicing and medications and felt really prepared going in...but still completely cracked. I suppose the frustrating part about the skill-building argument is that not everyone can have every skill. To me, writing is most important because that is the most common form of communication in our field and ubiquitous across almost all fields. But, most of my peers (and even a number of professors) are sub-par writers. I've read some answers to other students written exams and they were atrocious, but the correct answer was more important than style and grammar. I wish that the same could apply to this, that demonstrating knowledge is important, and how you do it is less important. There are plenty of ways to show that you aren't regurgitating knowledge. I mean, the whole point of research proposals, review papers, and other publications is to synthesize information. So doing so verbally doesn't seem like anything special. Especially when your goal isn't actually to stay in academia. It's also very frustrating when I've talked to other faculty at other schools who think the whole process is ridiculous. For many of them, our prospectus is their qualifying exam. Since I know this isn't something I can just force myself to be capable of, maybe the best solution is to take that NSF and find a program where such an intense requirement doesn't exist. I'm sure it sounds silly, or like cheating the system, but this is just too much for something that really is minor. No one will ever ask about these exams, no one ultimately cares about it. When going to get a job, they care about publishing papers and this all just feels like two years of distraction and no real research.

Like most PhD students, I am having a difficult time with my qualifying exams and would like some recommendations on how to proceed from others who may have experienced something similar. I should start out by explaining that I started my program as a Master’s student at the suggestion of my advisor. I didn’t come from a great undergraduate program that actually had research options and my only prior experience with research was during my year off working with a previous graduate of my advisor. During my third semester, I petitioned for a switch that my advisor was enthusiastic about and transferred to the PhD program. I was also informed recently that I received the NSF graduate research fellowship award, meaning that I won’t have to be supported with teaching/research assistantships any longer. All students are expected to complete a prospectus which entails writing a research proposal about planned research and then presenting that proposal in front of the graduate committee. I did this during my second semester as a Master’s student and again in my fourth semester after my switch in programs took effect. Also during the fourth or fifth semester, PhD students take the qualifying exams. This requires five written exams over the course of one week, each from a committee member which assigns you a topic - usually related to their field of research, not yours. If you pass this, you are able to move on to the oral exam where they ask you additional questions with all members present and this may be related to previous topics or from any topic in biology. The topics I was assigned: general ecology, comparative physiology, flight biomechanics, mammalian auditory systems and auditory processing, and mammalian and insect visual systems. I was given eight weeks to work through a mountain of textbooks and papers that were recommended, in addition to resources I found myself. Needless to say, I haven’t slept properly due to all the stress and have been remarkably unproductive in every other aspect (which is extremely unlike me). I passed the written exams with little problem. They weren’t spectacular, but no exam I’ve ever taken (SAT, GRE, midterms, finals, etc…) has ever been great just due to the anxiety from all the pressure. For my oral exam, however, I was asked the first question and I just broke. Ultimately, I ran out of the room in tears right before an extreme panic attack, unable to even tell my committee members what was happening to me. The stress, the anxiety, were things that I tried to keep unnoticed because I don’t want to be perceived as weak, or that student who can’t handle the pressure. Since that incident, I’ve talked with my members and admitted to struggling with these things. To say that I’ve always struggled with tests and public speaking is an understatement. But it’s something I’ve been actively working (including counseling and medications) on since beginning undergrad and have focused especially on this past semester knowing I would have to do this. Despite all the work and preparation, I couldn’t do it and I don’t know if I actually ever will. My committee members tell me that it shouldn’t be any different than any other time I have to speak. I disagree. When preparing for a conference or a lecture or even a job interview, you are generally narrowly focused on one topic that you’ve had the opportunity to rehearse and practice (not to mention no one at a conference tells you that you can’t come back if your talk isn’t good). This is very different from walking into a room with five people who could ask you literally anything. The goal of these exams is to confirm that PhD students are broadly trained in biology, despite specializing in a particular field and to ensure that they are truly qualified to do research. I get it, but I also think I’ve managed to demonstrate these things in other ways. I’ve done a lot of coursework because Master’s students are required to have a certain number in addition to research, which is not a requirement for PhD students. I’ve taught science courses at my university and another university prior to entering the program, I’ve passed the written portion, and I’ve managed to get an NSF grant. All my members say to me that they know I’m prepared, that I know the answers, but they still insist on me going through this ordeal to continue. I am exhausted, humiliated, and frustrated to say the least. So, has anyone else had these experiences? Were you offered any sort of alternative way to prove you’re competent? Or am I really going to have to just accept that this shortcoming is going to alter my life plans despite being very capable in every other requirement? Am I really just not good enough? Is this really the best way for the Deptartment of Academics to separate the proverbial wheat from the chaff or is my career as a biologist being held hostage behind faculty traditions passed on as normal?