Hello, everyone!
I've been dealing with a strange amount of catastrophizing and uncertainty about my graduate school situation, which is basically this: I applied as a senior year undergraduate to six English PhD programs, and got into one (UNC Chapel Hill-- I still haven't heard from Berkeley but I'm assuming it's an implied rejection). I received a stipend package and a fellowship to work in the William Blake Archive which is located there. My undergraduate thesis and much of my research interest centers around his work, and I was originally elated to hear this news. It also helps that Chapel Hill is in a relatively affordable area in comparison to many other programs, even if I have some anxiety about returning to the South and would prefer a more urban environment.
I have been having some second-thoughts though. Not necessarily about the PhD, but more of a what-could-be kind of pondering. My top choice was the UChicago department-- which I know is a ridiculously tall order -- and I ended up being referred to the MAPH program like most rejects seemed to be. I have no desire to attend that program, but it has made me wonder what could happen if I applied again. As I've neared completion on my senior thesis, I already feel that I could produce a significantly higher-quality writing sample than the first chapter I submitted when I applied. I could also very easily boost my GRE scores much higher than they were. More importantly, I have become increasingly interested in applied linguistics over the course of this year as I have TA'ed a course on Discourse Coherence, and I very much want to continue to explore that in my work on the Romantics. All of the places I applied had strong linguistics programs -- except for Chapel Hill. Chapel Hill, however, has amazing opportunities in work with Blake and Digital Humanities -- which are both equally important to my research.
Basically, my options are to accept the Chapel Hill program, or take a huge chance and live with parents for a year while potentially doing research-assistant work for my undergraduate thesis advisor, and apply for both PhD programs once more as well as research grants.
Apologies if this post has been somewhat rambly, I really feel extremely uncertain at this moment. More scarily, I don't know if that uncertainty is rational or irrational.