UnlikelyGrad
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Posts posted by UnlikelyGrad
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I bet they'll start off saying they hate it and then grow up to realize they love it.
Yup. That's exactly what happened to me.
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Unlikely Grad, I just got warm fuzzies thinking about you taking your kid to the lab for one-on-one time. I loved spending downtime with my parents like that growing up, and I'm sure your kids will look back fondly on that someday.
Aww, thanks. My dad did that with me, so I'm just carrying on the tradition.
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I am going to go along with what Eigen said.
There is really no need for you to be depressed in grad school. Being depressed is NOT a sign that you should quit grad school (I strongly disagree with those who say it is)--it's a sign that you need to change both your situation AND the way you deal with life.
Lousy advisor? Yes, definitely finish your master's and do a PhD elsewhere. Or switch advisors if possible. A bad advisor is poisonous, from what I've seen in those around me. That is an example of changing your circumstances.
Changing the way you deal with life is another way to kill depression. Going to the campus counseling center has helped me. Exercising has helped me. Changing my diet has helped me. Getting rid of toxic people in my life has helped me.
Also, like Eigen, I do try to compartmentalize my life--as much as possible. I do occasionally have to run down to lab to do something late at night (usually just a quick job, 15 min or so, getting something started for the following day), but in these cases I try to take one of my kids with me so we can have a one-on-one conversation. Of course, my advisor is totally supportive of this, as she has the same sort of attitude that I do. Basically, I try to work my butt off while I'm at school, get as much done as possible, so that I can get more done than people who don't organize their time well.
- gellert, runonsentence, ZeeMore21 and 1 other
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I see a lot of people on this thread saying that they don't have time to cook...
People, there's this thing called a freezer. Make huge batches of stuff on the weekend, then freeze it. I make breakfast burritos, quiche, stew, etc...
Also, I'm terrible about remembering to bring lunch to school. So I keep a big box of whole-grain crackers (from Costco) in my office, along with toppings: usually peanut butter or almond butter, plus occasional pouches of tuna or salmon. Not the cheapest lunches to bring, but considerably cheaper than eating out every day. (I figure I spend less than $15/month on lunch stuff this way.)
Honestly, I can't live on my grad assistantship alone. But that's because I can't have roommates due to my family situation, and I'm feeding/clothing/supporting more than just myself (3 kids half-time).
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Get involved in some activity outside of school--church, special interest group, volunteer community service group, you name it. I'm one of those people who has their finger in several pies at once and I've met a LOT of really cool men this way. Didn't do me a lot of good for many years because I wasn't single then--but I can see that my "getting involved" habit is really going to pay off now that I am back on the market.
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I third the half.com and Amazon suggestions. Even if you like new textbooks--I've gotten several of mine brand new from people who'd bought the textbooks and then dropped the class w/o cracking them open.
I buy textbooks because I like to keep them around for future reference. (Yes, I do use them later). But several of my friends have had good luck borrowing texts from other grad students who took the class in previous years.
Also, my best textbook deal ever was my freshman year in college--I was wandering through Goodwill one day and saw the book which was used for calculus sitting on the shelf! So I bought it for $1.19...retail was $90...alas, I have never had that sort of luck again.
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My sister did an interdisciplinary PhD with THREE PIs, and her primary complaint was exactly what you have said--namely, that each PI has a different vision of where you want to go. The problem is less whether you can integrate different visions or not, and more the fact that these people won't sign off on your dissertation until they're satisfied. So you have to make everyone happy, which isn't necessarily an easy thing.
(I should add that my best friend here is co-advised, and is in the middle of this trying-to-please-everyone struggle, and it ain't pretty. She's one of the most diplomatic people I know.)
But it definitely can be done. My sister did it, and ended up with a great post-doc due to all of the connections she'd made, and eventually got two absolutely fantastic TT job offers despite the fact that she was near 40...
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For the love of all that's holy, get yourself to the school counseling center ASAP!! Friends are useful but you need a professional.
I personally haven't had a close relative die in grad school, but my marriage died, and it was HARD. One of my best friends here lost her mom just a few months before my divorce proceedings started and we did end up having similar symptoms. I had trouble concentrating. I cried at random times including in class.
Things that helped me (and her):
(1) As I said before, regular appointments at the school counseling center.
(2) Lots of other people to talk to, too.
(3) Telling the advisor ASAP--both of our advisors were incredibly helpful. Of course, it helped that we both serve as the 'backbone' of our respective labs--both of our advisors knew we would work our butts off once we recovered.
(4) Telling every prof in every one of our classes. ("I will have to miss a class"..."I am having trouble keeping up with the work because...") I was reluctant to do this at first but everyone was incredibly understanding. And the only class I floundered around in was the one in which the profs didn't know. I wish I'd told them, too.
(5) Forcing myself to exercise daily
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I took 3 + seminar my first year and it was tough. But then I had both TA and research commitments. 2+ seminar my second year (minus TA commitments) was far more do-able.
I know someone who took 4 + seminar her first year and she barely survived.
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In my department you need 3 at a minimum. One must have actually been published, two can be "in press" (i.e. in the revision phase)...
But really, it is sub-field dependent. We environmental types really can't expect more than 3 in a 4-5-year period--because most of our research is field-work dependent, and there are good odds that at least one of your field sessions (if not more) will be a colossal waste of time. But a theoretical chem student who defended recently had 9 papers under his belt!!
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Why I prefer being part of a large cohort. I know probably 80% of the grad students in my department (~60 grads), which is good. Most of them are in a different degree program, but some of our research interests overlap nonetheless. If I need assistance with a new technique and a particular prof's lab would be the best one to help me out--I am guaranteed to know someone in that lab.
Why I prefer smaller classes: more in-class interaction. With a large class, there's not much choice but to sit there while the prof lectures. Yes, you can get help outside of class, but it's much more dynamic learning when you can have discussions going on. And in a grad level class, this should be the case: you should spend at least part of the time reading papers and picking them to pieces with the prof's assistance. I've seen this done in a class of ~25 but that was pushing the limits of things. I like classes w/ 10 people max.
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edit: what if I took it in October? Would that be enough time?
I took my subject test in October and they got the scores to the schools before the end of Christmas break, which was good enough.
How much do you plan (or think you need) to study for either the general or the subject test?
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Ok, now I started reading about credit cards... Is there always some sort of fee for using a credit card? How much can I expect it to be?
A lot of cards have no annual fee. However, if you have no credit history you may have trouble qualifying for this sort of card--because they will consider you to be more of a risk.* Try applying for card(s) with no annual fee, and if that doesn't work out try to get one with as small of a fee as possible. Pay the balance on your card off every month (do NOT make only the minimum payment). Then, in a year, apply for no-fee cards again and cancel the card with an annual fee.
Now there are other fees associated with credit cards: late payment fees, finance charges, etc. But if you pay off the balance completely every month, you will never have to pay these.
*Although, if you get a credit card through your CU, they may give you a fee-free card...because they know you have money in the bank.
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BTW, are there any international students using a credit union here? I wonder if being an international student I can encounter any problems trying to use their services...
I don't think so. All 4 of my officemates are international students, and I know at least some of them bank with the same CU.
When I went in to open my account, they only wanted a picture ID. I'd forgotten my driver's license (I walked there) so I showed my school ID and that was fine...They also need your home address, and enough money to open an account with. My CU only asks for $25 as a starting deposit--most banks require $100.
Re: personal message: yes...but I don't think I have the privileges to do that. Have you talked to bgk?
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You'd really need to check with your department. It's not uncommon for programs to have a TAing requirement purely for the experience, but that varies from place to place.
Purely for the experience?? From a cyncial point of view: your department may just need TAs!! I know in my department we are perpetually short of people who can TA. (There are something like 60 sections to teach, and we only have ~50 grad students, of whom a fair number are on RA. So sometimes people get "drafted"...)
I know it's possible for NSF awardees to TA...My youngest sis TAed at least 2 years while still getting NSF funds. I think her department worked out some deal with NSF to spread the same amount of money over more years...
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My account has no fees. None. And there's no minimum balance, and I don't have to do any transactions. There's no guesswork, it's just free. I have direct deposit, and it deposits without a problem. You can also have a separate savings account and deposit some of your stipend into checking and some into savings (whatever percentages you'd like). The account came with a debit card (Visa branded), just like you'd get with a big bank. Also, unlike most big banks, I get an actual paper statement. Some banks don't do that anymore or make you pay a fee to get that. They also offer credit cards (I don't know about fees on those, I don't have one), and lower interest rates on loans for members. And online banking. And phone banking. And bill pay. And probably other stuff I'm forgetting about.
Basically, my credit union offers all the same services as a big bank, without being as evil.
What Xanthan said.
I used to bank with Chase...wouldn't do that again if you paid me. I get all of the same functionality from my CU, with none of the customer service hassles.
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When in doubt, I *ALWAYS* use "Dr. (Lastname)".
Half of the profs in my department insist on being called by their first names (usually the younger ones). I know there are several profs who insist on the "Dr (Lastname) " title in front of most people (students, etc.) but ask their grad students to call them by first name...
If I ever become a prof, I think I'll go for "Dr. (Firstname)"...a good compromise between the two.
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Anyone else have any experience with commuting in grad school? I'd really appreciate any opinions!
Two of my four best friends here commute 20-30 minutes into school. One hates it, and the other doesn't mind so much.
The one who hates it lives in an area where 90% of the commuters live, and therefore has more traffic to cope with. Since she and her husband already owned a house down in that part of the metro area before grad school, , and they don't want to sell in this market, she will continue commuting until she finishes her degree.
The one who doesn't mind lives in a different part of town, near her husband's job. She gets here fairly early so as to avoid traffic (she says leaving early is necessary anyway...because otherwise, you can't find parking). There have been times when she's had to make the 20+ minute drive back, because she forgot to do something in lab, but those are few and far between. But, as Eigen alluded to, she also has to bring her dinner sometimes when she's doing a long and complicated synthesis.
I think it's a matter of attitude, really...the one who doesn't mind the commute is an eternal optimist, and always finds ways to justify her commute and make it more enjoyable. Whereas the one who hates her commute is a grumbler by nature. (She hates teaching...but when she's not teaching she hates being in lab all the time...you know the type.)
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Oh, and also, - what are the pros of joining a credit union? I thought it would be easier to get a credit card through a bank where I will have an account.
My credit union gives out credit cards too...and car loans, and mortgages, and pretty much everything else you can get from a traditional bank.
What I like about my credit union: it's local, not a huge conglomerate. So if there ever were a problem, I wouldn't have to go through 3,276 layers of bureaucracy to get it taken care of. But I doubt there ever would be a problem: I have always received the best customer service from them. Customer satisfaction is really their top priority.
My CU is for state employees only (which I qualify for, since I'm an employee of a state university). Our branch is not on campus, but it's only a couple of blocks away, and pretty much all of the customers are students/staff/faculty of MyU. The tellers are used to science nerds, etc., and frequently ask me how my research is going. I love it!
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My first year I was ~4 miles away. Now I'm about 1.5 miles. The shorter commute is sweet, but (as my friend who lives 1/2 hr away says) the community is "a bit incestuous"...i.e. everyone you bump in to at the grocery store etc. is affiliated with the school somehow. It's kinda weird to run into your profs around town, and your cohort in the laundry room.
I hope to be moving farther out, 6-7 miles, next month.
- eklavya and psycholinguist
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i trust him not at all and don't put it past him to try to steal my project and ideas. what should i do? how do we deal with these types of students?
Go over his head to your advisor, and, if that doesn't work, to the department chair. Even my advisor (who clearly IS the boss) doesn't treat me this way.
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There's also the Dushanbe teahouse in Boulder, which was imported from Tajikstan and is gorgeous. It is possible to have formal afternoon tea if you make reservations, which is totally worth it. Dinner is a bit expensive though.
OMG, yes, Dushanbe teahouse! Dinner is only a bit expensive if you are used to Denny's prices. Compared to most restaurants with that ambience/amazing quality of food, it's a bargain. (It's cheaper than places like Table Mountain Inn in Golden, which has not-quite-as-good food.)
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You are saying that your sister and brother-in-law have steady jobs. That means you have no obligation to support them financially.
And neither does your mom. Please, for her sake, help her learn to say no to them.
I also agree that you should look into what another poster recommended, and see if you can get a job in higher education. My sister does admin work for a Major State University and got free tuition for her master's that way. (She had meant to go down a different career path once she graduated, but the people in her department depend on her so much that, every time she tries to quit, they offer her a raise...)
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I've been staying out of this topic because it hits a sore spot for me, but I really ought to put in my 2 cents.
From a broad perspective, I guess you could say that I "left my spouse behind" and it killed my marriage. But it's not quite so simple as that.
(1) Our marriage was on the rocks anyway. Every time I went out of my way to make my ex happy, he used that as leverage to take even more advantage of me. It was a completely unequal partnership.
(2) "Leaving him behind" was not a voluntary decision. He promised me he would move when I did, then "soon,"...when he had no intention of doing either. (He did admit this to me later, after I filed for divorce.) And then he kept lying about when he would move (and other things). And then he told me that it was my fault that we were living apart...
So, my ex would probably say that my going to grad school, and living apart, destroyed our marriage. But that isn't true. It was his lying that destroyed the marriage.
I know it is possible for a marriage to thrive when people are living apart. My parents did it for a year and a half, and their relationship got better. My sister and her husband did it for a year or so early in their marriage, and they turned out just fine.
I think the key thing is that both parties have to consent to the separation. And yes, it is a separation, albeit not from a legal perspective. I will tell you, from personal experience, that no matter how much you talk/skype/email/chat, it is not the same as being in person. I flew home almost every weekend (3x a month, usually) and it still was a pretty sad excuse for a marriage. Of course, after he moved out here and we were living together full time it wasn't really any better, so it could have just been our marriage falling apart...
Recently Thrown Out; Need Help/Advice, Please
in The Lobby
Posted
By now it should be no surprise to the regulars here, but I'm going to suggest getting out of the abuse, no matter what the financial cost is to you. If that means that you have to take a break from school to earn money, do it.
You may think you can "fake an apology" to get through one more year. However, as others have said, by doing so you are only reinforcing your parents' behavior. This will not make the situation better: it will only make it worse. Abusers tend to push the boundaries as far as they can, so if they think this level of abuse is "OK" (i.e. that you will take it), next time you interact it's only going to be worse.
You may also think that if you just make it through one more year, things will be okay. Again, this is not the case. The foundation of abuse is control, and your parents will find ways to control you one way or another, even if you're not living at home.
There's only one way to stop abuse, and that's to get out whatever way you can. Please, get help. Go to the counseling center at your school. Go to the financial aid office. Talk to as many people as you can. Abuse flourishes in dark, hidden corners but tends to shrivel up the more you expose it to the light of day.