psycholinguist

Take a book, or a little pile of papers you have to read, or a portable arts-and-crafts project, or something. The time can be used productively and/or enjoyably!

* bursts out laughing * Nope: you're another awesome nerd!

Congrats!

A year ago I spent hours wandering around Google Street View looking at neighbourhoods and writing down promising-looking apartment-buildings. By the time I flew into town to find a place for myself I'd narrowed it down to two streets. I took the subway up there (and yes, wandering around streets you've gotten to know on Google is very surreal!), made some notes in person, narrowed it down to four buildings, made a bunch of phone-calls, toured two apartments, discovered that the second one would be just about perfect, and moved into it last September. Worked fabulously!

Please, please, Just me. Get yourself out of there, establish your own life, find your own strengths and your own jobs. You are not at all a failure, and you do not deserve to have been persuaded that you are. The thought of someone being in your position honestly makes me want to be physically ill. Please contact the police, or a professor, or a nearby shelter, or ANYONE who can help: because years of abuse have convinced you that you are worthless, and nothing could be further from the truth. The home situation has been so poisonous for so long that the toxicity of it feels normal, and feels like the result of something you've done wrong. It isn't! You just need to have a bit of extra courage here, and extricate yourself from all that awfulness. I think about you all the time these days, and hope that you can take the one little step needed to distance yourself from the ways in which you have been mistreated and forced to live a life not your own.

viewit.ca and mls.ca are great places to start!

From a pamphlet I found at a nearby health-centre yesterday afternoon: In a relationship, have you ever experienced: 1. physical violence? 2. threats that the person will abandon you if you don't do what he or she says? 3. being kept away from friends and family members? 4. not being allowed to speak to other people? 5. having to justify your whereabouts? 6. the other person using guilt trips to get his or her own way? 7. not being able to go out without the other person? 8. any put-downs about your physical appearance? 9. the other person never being satisfied with you? 10. fear or intimidation from the other person? 11. being treated badly or humiliated in front of friends or family members? If you answered 'yes' to one or more of these questions, you may be in an unhealthy relationship. Call 911 or your local police immediately if you are in danger. United States Domestic Violence Resources by State National Network to End Domestic Violence The Hotline (psycholinguist again: the links above are American counterparts to the Canadian ones listed in this brochure. Also, note that 'domestic violence' isn't at all limited to physical violence, nor to romantic relationships! Wikipedia cites this scholarly definition of 'domestic violence': "a pattern of abusive behaviors by one or both partners in an intimate relationship such as marriage, dating, family, friends or cohabitation". From the same book is a definition of economic abuse: "Preventing [the victim] from getting or keeping a job; making [the victim] ask for money; giving [the victim] a [tiny] allowance; taking [the victim's] money; not letting [the victim] know about or have access to family income". In other words, the fact that you don't have enough money to escape is ITSELF a sign of dominance and control, and it's exactly what your mother wants.

Yeah, if you felt it appropriate. Or list the paper's title in the new language with the new order of authors, and then add the bit about 'presented by', maybe? Just a thought (or two * grins *).

Very interesting. Congrats!

Anything is better than suicide: there are so many people out there (including all of us!) who are eager to see you find a new life for yourself. It's much easier than you think! There's such a great world out there beyond the reach of your mother, whose actions have long since become criminal. She has single-handedly convinced you that there are no other options than to live with her, and that the best way to get away from her is to harm yourself. This is not the case! Healing is very, very possible once you get out of there. You were courageous enough to ask us for help, and we're totally on your side; you can be courageous enough to ask a transition-shelter and/or the police and/or a domestic-violence professional for assistance in getting the heck out of there. You can do it!

I apologise if I'm coming across as pushy (and it doesn't help that I know absolutely nothing about professional art), but I really am pretty darn concerned about your situation; it sounds very toxic to me. If I were you, I'd look into transition houses and other such things in your area - they support people fleeing from abuse (and provide food, counselling, Internet connections, whatever you need). Even just one phone-call to local law-authorities could give you a good idea of the options! Odds are most of them aren't going to shrug and say there's nothing you can do about it. In the meantime, does anyone else have any advice as to art-related careers?

Eek! I'd select one of them and pretend you've made the decision in favour of it, then wait around and see how you feel about that. Repeat for the other. And remember that you can't go wrong either way!

You got in! That's awesome! Congrats!

Congrats! That's awesome! Do you have the chance to visit either one? That would probably make the decision a lot easier!

Awesome. Best of luck!

It's time to find a way out. You're being mistreated terribly; I know you've been backed into a tiny little corner and feel completely powerless, but if you keep just relenting and putting up with it, not only is it going to cause the problems you mention here, but along the way you're going to be continue to be controlled and abused as long as possible. The cycle needs to break, and you're the one who can break it! While you're on campus, find a chance to go talk to ANYONE: the campus police, a trusted professor, a counsellor, a religious figure. Give yourself an extra twenty minutes before or after class some day. If you can't get around your mother in order to arrange that, then skip class. I mean it. This is a really serious issue: your mental health and physical health are both at risk here, and this has gone on far too long already. Not one word that your mother tells you about being inadequate and worthless is the slightest bit true, and this is your big chance to get the heck out of there, prove it to yourself, and then prove it to the world. Your life CAN be your own. You CAN choose what you want to do, and establish a life completely apart from your possibly-well-meaning but atrociously misguided mother. All it's going to take is this ONE step. It's frightening enough - and different enough from the routine you're used to, however lousy - that your first response might be to find reasons why it isn't going to be possible. That's okay. It's normal. It's healthy. The trick is to recognise that, consider it all again, and give yourself the one extra little shove that it'll take to change things. You can do it! We're all cheering for you!

I've been worrying about you and your home situation! Any luck with getting yourself some help towards finding an escape-route? Have the campus/town police been of any assistance?

* bursts out laughing * That is priceless!

Back in January I said plenty about being completely in love with my grad-program (currently MA, about to go on to Ph.D.) over in the aforementioned other thread...and for the record, every single word of that post applies now at least as much as it did then!

This is so good to know. Thank you!

That's a great idea! My name is tricky to pronounce as well, and it makes people nervous because they can't be sure about it. I get a lot of apologetic attempts at pronouncing it; when people ask, I specify, and when people don't, I generally ignore mispronunciations unless they're really off-the-mark, in which case I correct them but laugh it off and mention some of the more-impressive manglings of my name I've come across. That way, people know the right way to say it, but they don't feel bad!

(Uh, and when I say that it gave me a surprisingly good look into patients, I don't quite mean it literally. * laughs *)

What a great thread! Bobbi, have you thought about sort of dipping one toe into health-care by working as a medical receptionist or something? I ended up with a job as an assistant one between undergrad and grad-school; it wasn't related to what I've been wanting to do since I was 17, but it gave me a surprisingly good look into patients and health-issues and appointments and referrals and treatment. Might be worth trying out!

This was my third (and final) season that involved applying to grad-schools for some reason or another, but I'll be hanging around. This is one of only about two forums on the Internet that I check regularly; the people here are just way too interesting not to! (Not to mention how useful the advice often is.)

What a great post! Nifty kids, too. (Yeah, that's my problem. The good: I realised at the age of 17 what it was I wanted to study in college; I was 21 when I knew I wanted to go to grad-school; I'm now 23 and between an MA and a Ph.D. in a field I love love love love love. The bad: the last time I wasn't single was when I was 20, and I can't be bothered to actually go out there and get into the dating-scene since a) I'm happily single; I'm really darn picky; and c) I'd prefer to start with friendship anyway. So it's anyone's guess when something'll happen with someone [of compatible gender and orientation], let alone when I'd be having to decide whether to have children sooner or have 'em later. Marriage? Kids? Yeah, those sound good, but the details are a little nebulous at the moment. * laughs *)