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wildviolet

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Everything posted by wildviolet

  1. Yes! I feel like this is a very hard decision... harder than deciding what grad school to go to and what my dissertation topic was going to be! That's true--our program director advised us that prepping for an R1 won't necessarily prep us for a SLAC. I think the advice was more along the lines of... it's harder to go from teaching-focused to research-focused than it is to go from research-focused to teacher-focused, partly due to the time needed to develop research skills and projects. For example, my assistantships so far have been about 20% teaching and 80% research. So, my experiences are definitely more on the research-focused side, in which I've had the opportunity to develop all sorts of skills related to becoming an educational researcher. I don't mind teaching... but, I just don't love it with the same passion that some of my colleagues do. And so I feel that I wouldn't be the best instructor for my students. In education, we often have small courses of 20-25 students per section, and we work closely with them on developing semester long projects, so I feel that they deserve the best instructor they can get. I'm not bad by any means (in fact, I'm projecting good evaluations from my undergrads this semester). But I also don't think I'd be happy teaching a 4-4 load. Yeah, I think there's a lot less industry and government work in education. Working for local school districts, state governments, or the federal government won't necessarily help me stay in classrooms, which is where I like to be as a researcher.
  2. I think feelings of isolation are common (and okay!) from time to time. I mean, I'm fairly social and friendly, and I still feel isolated sometimes. The way I deal with it is to vent in my journal, read a favorite book, or watch favorite movies/TV shows. What I'm trying to say is, it's very up and down. Sometimes, I just feel like NOT seeing other people. And then when I do feel like seeing other people again, I'll ask someone to go out for a drink or dinner, or I'll arrange an outing or throw a big potluck dinner at my place. There's a saying that you can be in a crowded room and still feel isolated. And I think that's very normal for the beginning of your first year as you settle into your program and new location. I find that it usually takes me about 3 years in a new place to meet lots of new people and then weed out the bad ones and keep the good ones. It's my relationships with the good ones that help me feel connected and less isolated--the people I know I can depend on, the friends who will listen to my rants and frustrations without judgment.
  3. Yes! I was really happy a few weeks ago when my undergraduates answered their own questions instead of always looking to me or waiting for me to moderate. It means we've developed a safe and supportive learning community where students feel like they can share their questions and attempt to answer the questions based on their experiences and the course readings/course work.
  4. In about nine months or so, I will start the job search. I've always maintained that I want a tenure-track position at an R1. My current institution is an R1. I've told my advisor and committee that I see myself as an academic at an R1. But, now that it's getting closer to actually looking for a job, I'm just not sure. I've done a lot of reflection and soul-searching. During my time in grad school, I've learned that I'm good at teaching, but I don't love it like some of my colleagues do (and, I especially hate grading, which I'm putting off as we speak). I love research--reading literature, thinking about conceptual frameworks, collecting and analyzing data, sharing my work at conferences. I enjoy advising and mentoring junior grad students in my program. As far as I can tell, my dissertation is going to be pretty awesome--the context is unique and my approach is seldom used in my particular field and should generate some interesting results. So, I'm not worried that the quality of my work isn't up to R1 standards. I'm just not sure if the R1 life is for me. I see how the professors at my current institution basically have no life (I've also overheard faculty say that the current tenure demands at R1s are not sustainable, particularly compared to 20 - 30 years ago). They are pretty much always working, and there isn't much of a work-life balance. I'm a workaholic, so my balance is tilted more towards work than life, but I still build in fun/affirming/joyful life experiences into my schedule. So, my question is: When did you decide that the R1 path was for you? Did you have a lightbulb moment? I think I could do it if I wanted to. I just don't know if I want to. But, I also don't see any other path for me--teaching-intensive universities wouldn't be any good because I don't enjoy teaching all that much. I've looked at alternatives, like non-profits, for-profits, state governments, etc. But, I'm afraid that many of those places wouldn't allow me the flexibility to pursue research that I want to pursue. One piece of advice I've gotten is to aim for R1 because it's the hardest--that way I'd be prepared for anything else. And, I could always start at an R1 and transition somewhere else if I found out it wasn't for me. But, at least in the very near future, the jobs I'd be looking for would be R1. So, I'd appreciate any insights about experiences you've had that helped you decide one way or another.
  5. I have a family, and I think I'm doing a terrible job managing my time. There's always more to do--read, write, analyze, etc. And I find endless ways to procrastinate--bake, clean, knit, Netflix. I keep track of my schedule on a calendar, but... besides meetings, I don't necessarily get done what I had planned to get done. That said, I have successfully completed all my coursework and comprehensive exams and am ready to begin working on my dissertation proposal. Hard deadlines are good for me and make me productive. Deadlines that I give myself still don't work. But I somehow still get it all done. I don't have a typical day, but a typical week for me looks like: --4-5 hours of research team meetings throughout the week --classes (3-hour blocks), usually in the evenings --wake up and get my kids ready for school, then get myself ready for the day --have lunch either at my desk or sometimes with colleagues if they're free --constantly check my email --writing group meeting once a week --kids' events, usually in the evening or on weekend --do "work" whenever I'm not doing something else (i.e., in small chunks of time sprinkled throughout the week) --on days when I don't have to be on campus for meetings or class, I can decide to work on campus, at home, or at a local coffee shop So, I'm not one of those people that can set a schedule and stick to it... I just go with the flow and get my work done when I need to and chill when I need to. Grad school for me has been up and down--there are crunch times around hard deadlines and then there are times when I say, screw it, I just need to spend the day in my pjs watching Netflix.
  6. In addition to all the great advice already given, I just want to add that I've been looking at job announcements since my first year of graduate school to see what is required and/or desired of job candidates so I can think about how to best allocate my time in graduate school. Also, telling my advisor early on that I want to be a professor at an R1 helped him help me shape my program, publications, and research and teaching assistantships. One piece of advice I've been given by newly hired professors is to be able to tell a (somewhat) coherent story about yourself as a scholar from your graduate school experiences. For example, how did working on X project help you think about Y? At least in my field, people want to get a sense of "who you are" as a scholar and how you got to be where you are. It's not so much about personal interests as it is about being able to explain why you do the work you do and how you think it's going to contribute to larger discussions and issues in the field.
  7. Well, I think it depends on the way you look at it. Yes, that's one way to look at it. Another way to look at it is that intellectual stimulation is necessary for some people. Half (or perhaps more than half) the faculty I know in my department also have faculty members as spouses. I think it's more personal preference than it is a general prescription for PhD students.
  8. I'm having the same thoughts as you... this guy is very sweet and caring when we're together, but trying to schedule a date is crazy complicated! I mean, first he was out of town, then I was sick, then it's college basketball season (I don't watch, but he does), and then the next two weekends I'm out of town for conferences. I told this guy we should just call it quits because we can't seem to manage to get together even though we live close to each other. And I'm not up for "text relationships" (ugh, sometimes I really hate modern cell phones). Besides the whole intellectual thing, I also think there are very different cultural differences between us that would not make things work in the long run. Like, I actually say "no" to him, and he's like, "well, that's not a very good way to start." He was half-joking, but I wasn't. Um, hello? Women in particular have to un-learn saying "yes" all the time to saying "no" when we need to in order to keep our sanity. Anyway, one of my girlfriends says, you're going to be a Dr. and you deserve a Dr.! LOL, we'll see. I did fall in love with another PhD student two years ago, but he's graduated and moved half a world away. We still keep in touch through social media, though.
  9. LOL, the saga isn't quite over... (when is it really?).
  10. Right. So both partners should be on the same level or one is smarter than the other. But maybe what I'm starting to be more comfortable with is that we could be smart in different ways. It's just that my experience with relationships is so limited--I've only been with my ex-husband, who was also a nerdy, book smart, science and computer type of guy. We met in college, and we were both science majors (although he was much better at math than I was), so I think we would have considered ourselves on the same level intellectually. With this guy, I do admire his ability to read, write, and speak fluently in two languages (I certainly can't). I don't know--we might be good for each other, and help each other grow--but I think we'd each have to reconsider our "ideal" partner that we had in mind when we were looking for dates online. For example, I'm pretty sure he wanted someone who had more free time and could spend nights over, etc. So he'd have to see if it's worth dating me on my limited availability. Maybe quality time, not quantity? On my side, I'd have to rethink this concept of "intellectual engagment." I mean, at least he's got a decent job! And he doesn't hate it! Oh, and on our first coffee date, he said I was "classy." LOL, I don't know if men still use that word, but I took it as a huge compliment.
  11. I'm thankful for all the different perspectives that have been offered on here! I'm re-thinking my expectations for dating non-graduate students. So, his text questions have been neutral so far, like how my day was and what my plans are for the night. BUT, he hasn't directly asked to see me for a date. In a way, I think he is being respectful of my busy schedule by trying to see me when I'm free (since his schedule is more open). I mean, he's told me this directly, but I also think he's now putting it into action. However, I told him that if he was serious about dating me, he'd need to schedule dates with me ahead of time, just like everyone else in my life! And, he does actually listen to me, like he remembers when I say I have to read something by Sunday night in order to meet with my advisor on Monday morning. My impression now is that he does value education and is a little bit in awe of me doing a PhD (at first, he wasn't sure why I chose this university in the middle of nowhere, especially compared to where I was living before, but then I explained that it has top programs in my specialty). I'm thinking that maybe he's just not as academic as me and that's okay. His intellectual interests lie elsewhere--he'll read and watch stuff about politics, economics, and world news (especially about events back in his home country). It's not easy finding someone you have really good chemistry with, so maybe I'll give it a second try since it seems like he's willing to give it another try.
  12. Sorry, I wasn't very clear... he wasn't saying no to the corporate ladder. His dream is to advance in his field by either passing the CPA or getting a MBA (but he won't because his current company won't pay for it, and I guess he's unable or unwilling to pay for it himself). And so, he seems to think that passing the CPA should be his next goal... but says he is too lazy to pursue it. Anyway, he's texting me again after a week of nothing... when I thought it was over? My friend told me guys would do this!
  13. Well, I did say "maybe," and I really don't think my ability to think about ideas and conduct quality research in education has anything to do with my inability to navigate the utterly confusing world of online dating.
  14. Thanks for that information! I agree with you, though. He expressed a desire to move up in the world of accounting but did not seem to be motivated to take actual steps towards it. I understand if there are other life factors, but... he doesn't seem to have anything stopping him from achieving it except his own will and determination. I cannot accept that in a potential life partner. To be fair, the decision to stop seeing each other was mutual.
  15. I don't think there's anything wrong with tension. In fact, by paying attention to the tensions in our lives and trying to work through them, we can transform our lives into something better (sorry, I can't help but use the same theoretical framework in my work in my real social life since what I study is real social life). Second, I can't help but compare him to my ex. I found him better on many accounts. But it's not so black and white. While I really liked him, I had to listen to my inner voice that was yelling--"red flag!" Just like I don't want to change others, I don't want to necessarily change myself. I know what I like and what I want. I know my boundaries, and someone who has little ambition to better his own situation is not someone I can respect. So I guess it comes down to respect. I don't respect him.
  16. Thanks... yes, I have learned to accept people for who they are, and I do not want to become some man's "mother." So, it really bothered me that he was 40, had hit a plateau in his career, saw the way up, yet refused (for whatever reason) to pursue his dreams. Leaving my family and everything I had known behind to come to grad school on my own was daring--and I want to be with someone who is just as daring. I don't think I would have time for a FWB with him (besides, I couldn't help comparing him to my ex, and he was measuring up... kind of short.) So, on to the next one, I suppose.
  17. ^^ Thanks for that perspective! Sigh. His lack of curiosity about my work/studies is getting to me. I mean, I even asked him about his work--duh, I know what accounting is, but I asked him what he actually does... and he told me about it and how he should sit for the CPA exam to have more work options (but is too lazy to). Um, red flag??? I mean, he's got no kids, no major obligations, and yet can't get himself motivated to sit for the exam? What's kind of funny is that on my profile, my personality compared to other women on this dating site is that I am #1 more ambitious than the average woman. Yep. Definitely why I'm in grad school working my butt off to write the best dissertation I can. On my profile, I write that I'm always thinking about... my dissertation! I'm not sure that I'll eventually be compatible with someone who isn't somewhat driven to succeed (c'mon, sitting for the CPA exam must be easier than writing a dissertation). In addition--he never asked me about my work in return. I'm afraid that he's just using me for "cuddling" (which I may not mind too much, actually, since I have absolutely no feelings for the guy).
  18. This makes me think that maybe for guys... it doesn't matter what the girl does as long as she's happy with it. Maybe more important things are... her looks, physical attraction to her, her smile, her laugh and sense of humor, the way she makes him feel. These are all the things he's complimented me for... but since he's never asked about my work or any deep intellectual stuff, he hasn't said anything about me being smart... which is something that's very important to me.
  19. Okay, so here's the thing... I've seen him a total of three times in the past week. The physical attraction is obviously there. But, he says on his profile that someone's intellect is not very important to him whereas I put the exact opposite--I love smart and nerdy guys! I wonder if this is a deal breaker, or if I'm being too picky/unrealistic or need to re-examine what I want/need in a relationship. Everything else is awesome--we seem to have similar lifestyles and values. We're incredibly comfortable around each other. But, I'm not intellectually engaged when I'm with him, and I wonder if that's really necessary. I mean, my work provides me with intellectual stimulation, right? My girlfriends provide me with emotional support. My social dancing provides me with fun, challenge, connection, and self-expression. Maybe it's asking too much for a significant other to provide everything I need/want in life. So, I'm not sure how much more time I should give this guy (truthfully, I only tried online dating for fun and never expected to meet a really nice guy, so if it doesn't work out, I'm happy to go back to my crazy grad school life).
  20. ^^ That is hilarious! Thanks for sharing.
  21. Thanks, everyone! I will try some of these strategies... I think it would be nice for him to have some understanding of my daily intellectual work life.
  22. Maybe that's a good way to go...he's in accounting. I'm in science education research. Not much overlap!
  23. LOL, yes, I suppose we can now ignore that post (although I did have a 21-year-old junior at the university email me--I told him that he seemed like a "good kid" and "good luck" on his studies!).
  24. I'm currently dating a local professional who is not a graduate student at my university! He's a little older than me and originally from a foreign country, although he's been here for more than a decade. Not sure how much these characteristics may factor into my situation... He knows I'm in graduate school for a PhD but doesn't really ask about it. And I guess that's a blessing! But, I kind of want to talk about my life's work. He's in a profession where I don't think you could get too passionate about it--he probably never brings work home or has to think about it after he leaves work. But I'm pretty much constantly thinking about my dissertation, even if it's unconscious (you know those moments when you suddenly have eureka moments in the shower or upon waking?). So my question is: what is your experience and opinions about this? I'm not exactly bothered by it, but... on the other hand, I feel like a big part of who I am is what I do and choose to study in graduate school. If it helps, we are in the early stages of dating and getting to know one another. I've asked him whether he enjoys his "work" (not "job"), and he says he does, although he's been at his present company for a while and is considering moving to a different location to spice it up. Thanks!
  25. When I came to grad school, I bought three pots (one small, one medium, and one large enameled cast iron) and two pans, and they have lasted me for the last two and a half years. What I'm trying to resist is buying more baking pans.
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