Looking for respectful but honest feedback on purpose statement

[kp_87]

Hello, I'm applying for media studies PhD programs and looking for feedback on my draft purpose statement, as I'm having some major writers block putting it together. Here is my draft statement listed below. Please help if possible and let me know what you think needs to be added or eliminated to make this a stronger letter of purpose.

 

                                                                           Statement of Purpose                                                                                                              

            Since grade school I had a passion for studying media. I always wanted to learn how to develop content for television, radio, film and online. Through my desire to keep learning new information about the media industry, I’ve been able to successfully strive in my media career, which is evolving as new emerging technologies develop. Now, I am seeking a Ph.D. in Communications at the University of Miami to continue my development in the media industry.

 

            For my Bachelor of Arts degree I studied Television Production at Drexel University. This degree led to an excellent opportunity to work in production at ESPN. However, I couldn’t just stop there and finalize my career. I felt a need to expand my knowledge, which led me to Quinnipiac University to obtain a Master of Science degree in Journalism. Towards the end of my master’s studies I discovered a new career direction.

 

            My new interest in media sparked a passion in the industry far beyond editing video and writing content. Instead, I realized I wanted to teach media studies at the collegiate level. Throughout my 10-year career in media I’ve gained so much valuable experience from the technological and newsgathering aspect, which I believe is valuable in the classroom. So, after receiving my masters I sought out an adjunct position for experience and see if this was truly a direction I wanted to move towards. I then was afforded an opportunity at Newbury College in Massachusetts’s teaching television production courses. In the beginning this was a very challenging and scary position to hold as I stood in front of the class with the full attention of my students. As the semester progressed and I saw how excited students were from the exercises they had to perform, I discover that I indeed wanted to transition my career to the academia world.

 

            Now, I am seeking a Ph.D. in Communication Studies at the University of Miami to expand my knowledge of the media studies. My previous degrees involved more practical hands on experience with the technological and newsgathering aspect of media. So, now while studying for a terminal degree in media studies I plan to dig deeper into the media industry practices. I want to conduct research that will answer questions regarding the psychological affects of emerging media and its influence on targeted demographic audiences. 

 

            I believe the University of Miami’s program will help prepare me with courses that will better develop my analytical skills to breakdown the media industries influence on society. Through gaining this Ph.D., I will be able enter the classroom not only as an expert in the technical aspect of media from my previous experience, but also I will become an expert with knowledge in regard to media industry practices through immense research. So, I hope that I will gain acceptance into your program, which will prepare me with knowledge to succeed in a career as a Media Studies Professor.

 

 

[ResilientDreams]

59 minutes ago, kp_87 said:

Hello, I'm applying for media studies PhD programs and looking for feedback on my draft purpose statement, as I'm having some major writers block putting it together. Here is my draft statement listed below. Please help if possible and let me know what you think needs to be added or eliminated to make this a stronger letter of purpose.

 

                                                                           Statement of Purpose                                                                                                              

            Since grade school I had a passion for studying media. I always wanted to learn how to develop content for television, radio, film and online. Through my desire to keep learning new information about the media industry, I’ve been able to successfully strive in my media career, which is evolving as new emerging technologies develop. Now, I am seeking a Ph.D. in Communications at the University of Miami to continue my development in the media industry.

 

            For my Bachelor of Arts degree I studied Television Production at Drexel University. This degree led to an excellent opportunity to work in production at ESPN. However, I couldn’t just stop there and finalize my career. I felt a need to expand my knowledge, which led me to Quinnipiac University to obtain a Master of Science degree in Journalism. Towards the end of my master’s studies I discovered a new career direction.

 

            My new interest in media sparked a passion in the industry far beyond editing video and writing content. Instead, I realized I wanted to teach media studies at the collegiate level. Throughout my 10-year career in media I’ve gained so much valuable experience from the technological and newsgathering aspect, which I believe is valuable in the classroom. So, after receiving my masters I sought out an adjunct position for experience and see if this was truly a direction I wanted to move towards. I then was afforded an opportunity at Newbury College in Massachusetts’s teaching television production courses. In the beginning this was a very challenging and scary position to hold as I stood in front of the class with the full attention of my students. As the semester progressed and I saw how excited students were from the exercises they had to perform, I discover that I indeed wanted to transition my career to the academia world.

 

            Now, I am seeking a Ph.D. in Communication Studies at the University of Miami to expand my knowledge of the media studies. My previous degrees involved more practical hands on experience with the technological and newsgathering aspect of media. So, now while studying for a terminal degree in media studies I plan to dig deeper into the media industry practices. I want to conduct research that will answer questions regarding the psychological affects of emerging media and its influence on targeted demographic audiences. 

 

            I believe the University of Miami’s program will help prepare me with courses that will better develop my analytical skills to breakdown the media industries influence on society. Through gaining this Ph.D., I will be able enter the classroom not only as an expert in the technical aspect of media from my previous experience, but also I will become an expert with knowledge in regard to media industry practices through immense research. So, I hope that I will gain acceptance into your program, which will prepare me with knowledge to succeed in a career as a Media Studies Professor.

 

 

I sent you a PM.

[spotlighte]

I don't know but the paragraphs were not connected, and the reason for wanting to further your education was generic to an extent. I'll point out some of these to you when I get my free time.

[Sigaba]

I would strongly urge you to make an effort to get feedback from professors in your field whom you know. If you're going to incorporate the guidance provided by strangers, I recommend that you carefully weigh the feedback against the experience of the person offering the feedback. The fact that what I really want to do is direct should not obscure the fact that I have zero experience in film production and zero hours in film school when I give you a note.

In case you're pressing on this path, my two cents follow.

 

• MOO, by leading with your "grade school...passion" and mentioning multiple moments of "discovery" your draft SOP suggests to me that you've drifted along the tides of an unfulfilling career as opposed to walking a determined, but winding, path towards an objective to which you're committed. Overall, the SOP reads like boiler plate with a place holder for the programs to which you're applying.
• The description of your research interests is vague, especially given your professional experiences and your education. (Is it really accurate to say your education up to this point has been devoted to the technical aspects of production? Did you not have classes that discussed theory of any kind? As written, would your professors/instructors at Drexel and Quinnipiac find your read back succinct or dismissive? )
• I recommend that you refocus your draft SOP. Please focus more effort on discussing, describing your research interests. Spend more time discussing how your professional experience and education inform your research interests.

[kp_87]

@Sigaba thank you for your feedback and the links I really appreciate your help

[HTM18]

Avoid.. I've and Couldn't.

In academic writing it should be ... I have... Could not..

[ExponentialDecay]

This was a really long and meandering description of your life so far. An SOP should be a statement of research interest, not a diary entry.