SOP Second draft update - am I moving in the right direction?

[TeddyWestSide]

I am attaching my first and my second draft just in case you are interested in where it started. This draft is a complete rewrite based on the help I got last time I posted. I think this is moving in the right direction and I feel like the feedback has really been helpful so please lend me a hand again!

This is just under 500 which is the limit for my shorter SOP and I will have room to add a bit for the schools that allow 700 words. 

Statement of purpose rough 2.docx

Statement of purpose rough 1.docx

Edited November 7, 2018 by TeddyWestSide

[TeddyWestSide]

and here is a copy and paste. Any feedback is appreciated!

 

            When I was young I would do something that I did not realize was strange until I got older. I would put a book in my pocket and ride my bike to a park so I could climb a tree and read. Something about being away from my bustling house full of people and so high up off the ground made me happy. At the time all I knew was that I wanted to be alone, later I realized I wanted to be alone because I struggled to build connections to the people around me. I was lucky because I found myself reading about other people and their lives. I learned how different people are and how important it is that we strive for connection.

            This fascination with communication and connection has followed me into adulthood, and it seems to be even more important. As we gain new technology that allows for people all over the world to communicate we also deal with new barriers. New forms of communication all come with their own conventions and this will bring its own set of challenges. As more voices than ever can be heard, the importance of understanding our limitations in how we connect and what we need to do to overcome this will come to the forefront.

            I will continue the work my writing sample begins in communication and connection with further study of American modernists. The push that modernism makes to better understand and represent the thought process and interrelation of its characters is the best example we have in literature. Authors that I am interested in include Sherwood Anderson, Gertrude Stein, Hemingway, and Faulkner.

            As an undergraduate I received high marks in American fiction focusing on Dickinson, 553 – 20 Century US Fiction and Hemmingway, 564 – Major Authors, American. As a graduate I continued to be exposed to American literature as well as taking on critical thinking and classics. I received high marks in 514 – American English, 545 Literary Critical Thinking, and 540 Restoration and 18^th Century Literature (Milton and His Heirs).

            I am incredibly excited at the opportunity to live in a different area of the country and to learn something new about myself as well as the people of New York. A faculty member I would love to work with is Dr. Susan Edmunds. Her work on Flannery O'Connor and how her life as an author intersects with the time she wrote in echoes my writing sample. My experience at both large and smaller campuses has set me up for success at any school, and that won’t be any different at .

           

[Sigaba]

Bluntly, I think that you should start over from scratch.

As written, the one point of the statement appears to be that you want to study the impact of "new technology" on the interpretation of American modernists. 

Would it be possible to do more with that point (if that's what you want to do)? Does English literature have generally accepted definitions for "new technology," modernists, and modernism that you do not need to elaborate on what you mean when you use those terms?

As written, I don't think that the discussion of your coursework and the "high marks" you received adds value. Is it possible to write about your undergraduate education so that it makes a supporting point more efficiently? Just as an example, in one of my statements of purpose, I provided the percentage of all classes across multiple departments I took related to the Cold War as an indication of my commitment to that topic. If your coursework can tell a story about your interest in new technology and American modernists and modernism, you might benefit from making that point.

A general comment, I strongly urge you to find ways to write more efficiently by using different verbal constructions. "I used to practice shooting jump shots at the gym in the morning" is not as efficient as "I practiced my jump shot daily."

[RaspyRay]

I echo the above comments about your discussion of coursework/high marks not being quite as relevant. I would look for a better way to weave in your past experience with what you want to do in the future. Is there, for example, a paper you wrote in one of these classes that sparked your interest in the subject? Perhaps in a way you want to explore further in your graduate work? I would try to use some concrete examples of work you've done in the past as a way of explaining your interests (past, present and future). A think a higher level of specificity would benefit your SoP. 

Also, I personally would avoid the more "anecdotal" approach in your opening paragraph. You only have a small amount of space so I would jump into the proposed area of research very quickly and not use valuable space in anything that's not directly and concretely related to your work. This is easier said than done, of course, because the opening paragraph needs to grab your reader's attention... I'm struggling with this too  

And, by the way, I've heard professors complain about students who apply to Ph.D. Programs in NYC simply because they want to live in the city. So I would err on the side of caution and avoid mentioning your interest in living in a different part of the country, etc. Focus more on the program itself- what do they have to offer you? What can you bring to them? If New York City has something very specific to offer (a museum, library or collection in particular), then mention it. If not, I would avoid sounding like someone who might just want the NYC life (you say New York, so I'm assuming you are referring to the city, but maybe I'm wrong). This is coming from someone who lives in Manhattan haha  

Good luck! Also, take everything I say with a grain of salt. I'm very much wandering around in the dark with my SoP too. 

[TeddyWestSide]

On 11/7/2018 at 10:31 AM, Sigaba said:

As written, I don't think that the discussion of your coursework and the "high marks" you received adds value. Is it possible to write about your undergraduate education so that it makes a supporting point more efficiently? Just as an example, in one of my statements of purpose, I provided the percentage of all classes across multiple departments I took related to the Cold War as an indication of my commitment to that topic. If your coursework can tell a story about your interest in new technology and American modernists and modernism, you might benefit from making that point.

I worried about just the same thing. What I was trying to do is show that I received A's in multiple classes that involved American Lit but I was not sure of the best way to say this. I am a bit confused by your example, so did you give your percentage in all classes related to the cold war regardless of department? I was trying to do something similar but it must not have come across. 

[TeddyWestSide]

On 11/9/2018 at 5:50 AM, RaspyRay said:

Also, I personally would avoid the more "anecdotal" approach in your opening paragraph. You only have a small amount of space so I would jump into the proposed area of research very quickly and not use valuable space in anything that's not directly and concretely related to your work. This is easier said than done, of course, because the opening paragraph needs to grab your reader's attention

I have gone back and forth with this. Many places say to have something small that shows your personality and why you are drawn to the subject and others say to stick to the research you want to do. Does anyone know if this is something that has a convention that has changed and maybe I am looking at older advise?

[PokePsych]

2 hours ago, TeddyWestSide said:

I have gone back and forth with this. Many places say to have something small that shows your personality and why you are drawn to the subject and others say to stick to the research you want to do. Does anyone know if this is something that has a convention that has changed and maybe I am looking at older advise?

I think you want to understand that advice as 'instead of relisting things we can learn from your transcript and CV, tell us something about why you want this'. I also think 'why you are drawn to the subject' and 'the research you want to do' are not necessarily mutually exclusive. I think a lot of people (and a good SOP) will integrate both interests and then builds toward what you learned and how you would extend what you're interested in.

[TeddyWestSide]

On 11/14/2018 at 6:59 PM, Psygeek said:

I think you want to understand that advice as 'instead of relisting things we can learn from your transcript and CV, tell us something about why you want this'.

This seems helpful thank you I will try that for my next draft, thanks.