I echo the above comments about your discussion of coursework/high marks not being quite as relevant. I would look for a better way to weave in your past experience with what you want to do in the future. Is there, for example, a paper you wrote in one of these classes that sparked your interest in the subject? Perhaps in a way you want to explore further in your graduate work? I would try to use some concrete examples of work you've done in the past as a way of explaining your interests (past, present and future). A think a higher level of specificity would benefit your SoP.
Also, I personally would avoid the more "anecdotal" approach in your opening paragraph. You only have a small amount of space so I would jump into the proposed area of research very quickly and not use valuable space in anything that's not directly and concretely related to your work. This is easier said than done, of course, because the opening paragraph needs to grab your reader's attention... I'm struggling with this too
And, by the way, I've heard professors complain about students who apply to Ph.D. Programs in NYC simply because they want to live in the city. So I would err on the side of caution and avoid mentioning your interest in living in a different part of the country, etc. Focus more on the program itself- what do they have to offer you? What can you bring to them? If New York City has something very specific to offer (a museum, library or collection in particular), then mention it. If not, I would avoid sounding like someone who might just want the NYC life (you say New York, so I'm assuming you are referring to the city, but maybe I'm wrong). This is coming from someone who lives in Manhattan haha
Good luck! Also, take everything I say with a grain of salt. I'm very much wandering around in the dark with my SoP too.