Anxiety about the rigor of graduate school

[Logic]

TL;DR: Just a rant/vent about how, after not doing very well in undergrad, I'm incredibly concerned about grad school. 

I graduated in spring of 2017 with a Physics B.A. (gpa 3.3) from an R1 school after performing computational research during my four years as an undergrad. I was lucky to receive a postbac offer from the NIH IRTA program to prepare myself for PhD's in computational neuroscience. I won't go into detail or make excuses about my undergrad academic performance, but I was dealing with some personal (read: psychological). Still, my education is my responsibility. It's my responsibility to take things seriously.

I was only able to figure out the depth of my personal issues during my two years after college (while working at the NIH) as I sought professional help from a therapist. I was also fortunate to take courses across several disciplines over the course of these two years at the NIH graduate school such that my gpa here (4.0) could offset my undergrad gpa in admissions. I've even gotten a first-author paper and have shown my research through my publicly available code on GitHub so that anyone can see my work.

But the truth is I still felt anxiety in all its forms throughout my NIH work, and I still feel it. I was constantly worrying about what caused me to become so disillusioned with my university that my GPA fell during college years from a (3.8 during my first 2 years to a 3.3 by the time I graduated) while my psychological health deteriorated. I was even so shaken that, during the Fall of 2017, I checked myself into a psych ward for a few hours one night. I was so worried that I as physically shaking so much. It wasn't just about getting into a good PhD program. It was about my entire success and capability as a student/researcher. I used to have panic attacks every evening and even on the weekends too when I tried relaxing. After analyzing my undergrad performance, I became worried that research just wasn't right for me. I was even worried that there was something inherent or intrinsic I was doing that was wrong that would prevent me from succeeding as a researcher. 

Fortunately I'm doing much better personally as well these days. My health has been much better, and I've been taking care of myself (diet, exercise, hobbies, social relationships, etc.) much better than how I was in college. I've had to reckon with the truth of traumatic things I experienced during my childhood and teenage years that caused my psychological health to suffer in college. But I've been learning how to overcome those things.

I plan to apply to computational neuroscience PhD's this fall (a mix of top and mid-range programs). I'm thoroughly researching programs, faculty, and other factors so that prestige of the university will have absolutely no place in my decision. The truth is I still worry. I'm absolutely terrified of the PhD life where I'll be learning at an incredibly fast pace while working through lab rotations, teaching positions, and whatever else is planned for me. I'm absolutely worried my undergrad psychological issues may manifest themselves again. I still doubt myself on everything I do, and I'm just hoping my graduate admissions and career will both be very successful.

Thank you all for reading.

[feralgrad]

If you don't mind my saying so, you seem very hard on yourself. You sound like you think you're a failure, but you've accomplished so much. Frankly, the fact that you've done all this despite your mental health issues speaks to your ability and perseverance.

It makes sense that you're nervous; PhDs do indeed take tremendous effort and commitment. However, I think you have the skill necessary.

That said, if you're really anxious about feeling unprepared, there's nothing wrong with waiting to apply and working on your mental health in the meantime.

[Logic]

21 hours ago, feralgrad said:

If you don't mind my saying so, you seem very hard on yourself. You sound like you think you're a failure, but you've accomplished so much. Frankly, the fact that you've done all this despite your mental health issues speaks to your ability and perseverance.

It makes sense that you're nervous; PhDs do indeed take tremendous effort and commitment. However, I think you have the skill necessary.

That said, if you're really anxious about feeling unprepared, there's nothing wrong with waiting to apply and working on your mental health in the meantime.

Thanks I appreciate it. I'm going to continue working on things with my therapist and psychiatrist so hopefully I'll be in the best shape possible for graduate school. 

[lincoln.hawks]

On 3/29/2019 at 7:40 PM, Logic said:

Fortunately I'm doing much better personally as well these days. My health has been much better, and I've been taking care of myself (diet, exercise, hobbies, social relationships, etc.) much better than how I was in college. I've had to reckon with the truth of traumatic things I experienced during my childhood and teenage years that caused my psychological health to suffer in college. But I've been learning how to overcome those things.

 

So this is the most important part of your post. Taking care of yourself and experiencing a lot of growth are the reasons you are going to be successful at whatever your next step is. Your mind/ body/ soul won't be dealing with the drag of these unresolved issues, allowing you to better spend your energy on your priorities. You had to hit that wall to get past it. 

Your psychological issues will probably come back, they always do for me. But you yourself said you've done a lot to learn how to overcome them. Your circumstances are different than undergrad so expect different results. It will be hard, but you can do it. 

I recommend coming up with a wellness plan to keep you moving forward. Often we, I mean me, realize things are bad only once we are deep into the shit. It's hard to pull myself out when I get completely beat down by life and my own negative thoughts. Much better to have some plans in place to help you when you start to struggle and head it off.

Check out the Wellness Recovery Action Plan model. You don't need to be a mental health professional to make one: https://mentalhealthrecovery.com/wrap-is/

Mental health professional in a doctoral program with a lot of successes after a TERRIBLE (GPA: 2.27) undergrad showing here. Serious mental health challenges continue to impact my life, but it is not as bad as when I was 20. I am able to be successful, which is a struggle to see many days, by being a little less hard on myself and doing a little more to take care of myself every year.

Assessing our progress and growth, not comparing ourselves to an imaginary standard existing only in our heads, is perhaps the best way to take a measure of a man or woman.