From 1 to 1/2

[BionicKris]

My SO and I made the decision a few months back that he would stay in Charlotte, NC while I made the voyage to grad school in Indiana. I worry that neither one of us fully appreciates the amount of time that I will have to devote to my studies. Being consumed by work makes it that much harder to survive a long distance relationship. I've never had an LDR and I was wondering how others out there in the world were coping with leaving behind their SO's. And for those of you out there that did it and survived it (or not) I'd really appreciate any feedback/advice you might have.

[Phyl]

My boyfriend and I have been long distance for the past year, we see each other 1 weekend a month. Here's what I've found works:

Skype, no pesky long distance bills, plus some face to face time every day. Sure you are going to be busy but you will take time to eat or fold laundry just do it in front of the computer.

Plan visits in advance so you have something to look forward to.

Make the most of the time you have, which means getting enough work done in advance to enjoy the time you have together.

Have active stuff to do together as well as time to sit around and do nothing.

The biggest thing is communication, be willing to talk if there's problems, it's too easy to ignore things when you don't have to face the person every day.

[Squawker]

Being in a long distance relationship is actually a lot easier when you are swamped with work. You won't be bored and wondering what he's up to all the time, and you won't be thinking "I wish Johnny were here right now" the way you would be if you were having a fabulous time traveling or living a more relaxed lifestyle.

Skype is really amazing, and makes being apart much easier. Decide on a regular time that will be good for you to talk, with the understanding that social events with real people should sometimes take priority. Also, try not to spend lots of time talking on Skype, because it gets dull pretty quickly and being visibly bored or running out of things to say during a call can be hurtful and aggravating to the person on the other line. Folding laundry or eating something while on the line is fine, but keeping Skype open when you're doing something else that requires mental energy is a bad idea. I dated a guy who didn't understand why I got annoyed that he would play an online game during our conversations. Being on Skype can sometimes feel like having the other person in the room with you, but don't try to make it a replacement for real human presence. Keep the conversations reasonably brief and enjoyable.

For most people, the key to having a long distance relationship that doesn't fizzle out is to have plans for being together in the not-too-distant future. If your boyfriend is planning to stay in Charlotte indefinitely and you are just now starting a PhD program in Indiana, then the absence of any light at the end of the tunnel may weigh quite heavily on your relationship. But, of course, all relationships are different and I fully understand that some people are capable of putting their ideal love lives on hold for extended periods. Just remember, some people stay virgins well into their 20s (or indeed much longer), and there are lots of people who don't date anyone (or have any romantic/sexual experiences) for years at a time. Being in a long distance relationship can be frustrating, but if you were able to handle being a virgin and possibly not having a single boyfriend throughout puberty and adolescence, you can handle not being able to see your boyfriend every day.

Lastly, don't underestimate the importance of handwritten letters and snailmail correspondence!

Edited April 18, 2010 by Squawker

[LTee]

This all seems like good advice. Im facing the LDR situation also. Im in a serious relationship with the person I want to be with for the rest of my life. BUT, the best thing for me right now is to attend my graduate program where I was accepted in Oregon, and the best thing for him is to finish up his degree in state (CO). I keep telling myself that we'll both benefit from this situation in 2-3 years, but I am terrified.

[peppermint.beatnik]

I've done an LDR on and off for four years. This includes a two year Masters program and one year living abroad.

I definitely second the skype recommendation. We speak every night, unless it's absolutely impossible. That doesn't mean you have to do that, but whatever works for you.

We take turns visiting.

The most difficult part is when we have to transition from LDR to same city, and back again. Your relationship goes through an adjustment period (not in a bad way, just different).

[metasyntactic]

From past relationships I've been in, I think one of the most important things to have in a long distance relationship is a set of realistic expectations for both parties. There are some obvious limitations such as communication (especially with timezones) and also differences in social life that you and your partner will have to accept or otherwise figure out. When either party expects something unrealistic, the relationship can break down in frustration. If your sort out expectations ahead of time, things go more smoothly.

Also, someone else mentioned this but it's important for both members of a relationship to have their own social lives: unbalanced social lives can lead to resentment.

[ExoticTeacup]

My boyfriend and I have been together about 4 1/2 years, and about half of that has been long distance (I kept studying abroad, and he kept getting internships far away). He started a PhD program six hours away last year, and I will be meeting up with him to start mine at the same institution in a couple months. I don't feel like our relationship has suffered at all from the time apart, though. I realize everybody's relationship is different, so I don't claim to be an expert on the subject, but I can tell you what worked for us.

1) The single most important thing for us is trust. Being able to trust one another allows both of us to go out and enjoy ourselves with our friends without worrying about what the other is doing. I have some male friends, and he has some female friends, but neither of us goes on crazy jealous rampages about it. Having a solid trusting foundation allows you to both live healthy separate lives without the added stress of worrying about what your SO is doing without you.

2) We text. A lot. Usually, we're both so busy, and neither of us has been doing much interesting stuff, that we really can't sustain really long phone conversations all the time. We figured out that what we really missed, though, was the exchange of small comments, jokes, and observations throughout the day. Thus, whenever we observe or think of something we want to share with one another, we text. It's a great way to still share the little things and witty comments throughout the day without really interrupting the other person or trying to start a whole conversation about nothing.

3) We set both ideal and realistic plans for visiting. We realistically figure that we can see each other every six weeks. We make sure that happens. Sometimes we have to work our asses off in advance to free up a whole weekend, but there is enough notice that we always manage to pull it off. Then there is the ideal visit schedule. Ideally, we would like to see each other every two weeks. This usually does not happen. If we're lucky enough to have the time free, we do it, but if not, it's no big deal. Extra visits are icing on the cake, and they only happen when we both can manage to take the time off from whatever we're doing. They are a special treat, and we don't usually know for sure if they will happen until the day one of us is to travel. We find that the scheduled visits make sure that we do actually see each other, and the extra visits add some spontaneity and excitement. Oh, and we try to alternate which person makes the trip.

4) Have a plan for getting back together again, even if it's a long way off. As previously mentioned, that light at the end of the tunnel can be important. You can do everything right, trusting one another, keeping in contact, visiting, etc., but after a few months or years, it might get pretty hard to continue to put your love life on hold and ignore the other fish in the sea if you have no idea when, if ever, you'll permanently be in the same state as your fish.

Sorry this has been so long. I just wanted to share the key things that my boyfriend and I have found that helped us successfully navigate a LDR. We have found the relationship to be very satisfying, despite the distance. Hopefully this info is of some help to somebody here.

Disclaimer: YMMV

[mudlark]

I did eight months of long distance with my then-boyfriend, now-husband before he moved out to join me. It sucked. But in the long run, it was really great for our relationship. Visits were the most romantic time we've ever spent together. We realized just how much we wanted the relationship. Not that I would wish it on anyone, but in hindsight, I can see lots of positives.

The only thing I have to add is find a set up that works for YOU and trust that it's right. When we were long distance, we talked on the phone, maybe twice a week. We could go four or five days without talking. Some of my friends who spent 3 hours a day on Skype with their long distance partners were horrified, but hey, it worked for us. You'll get into a groove.

[BionicKris]

Wow, thanks so much for your input guys! This whole experience will be new for me and I've got this crazy Type A personality to contend with, so not knowing how this will turn out is driving me nuts. My SO and I have been together for 4 years (5 in September) and we've been together for nearly every minute of it, so I'm just not used to not having him around. I think that texting and Skyping will probably work out best for us, but again - I worry. It's nice to know that there are people out there that have done this and survived it! Thanks again for the swift and helpful input!

[<3Brains]

I did eight months of long distance with my then-boyfriend, now-husband before he moved out to join me. It sucked. But in the long run, it was really great for our relationship. Visits were the most romantic time we've ever spent together. We realized just how much we wanted the relationship. Not that I would wish it on anyone, but in hindsight, I can see lots of positives.

This is really true! My boyfriend and I did six months (may seem like nothing to some!) of long distance when I was a senior in undergrad, and I think it did a lot to strengthen our relationship.

Everyone has given great suggestions. I wanted to add two more small things: People have talked about having even social lives. That's *really* important. And equally as important: remember to actually have a social life. I often would say no to parties or outings because staying at home and talking to my boyfriend (we did mostly phone...this was a couple years ago and I didn't have a webcam) sounded more appealing. In retrospect, this wasn't a good idea (for both my sanity and our relationship).

And the second thing...it really helped me to have a friend who was also in an LDR. Talking about things with him made me feel orders of magnitude better...he was in the same environment I was in while dealing with the long-distance stuff. Highly recommended!