This feeling is strange

[Tall Chai Latte]

On April 14th, I finally committed to a PhD program after thinking and re-thinking for 3 months. But after I hit the button, I don't know... I felt terrible. I still feel terrible at the moment, and I'm really not sure what to say anymore. People were telling me "you should be happy! you are going to a good school!", but I can't seem to get over this feeling right now.. I'd still wake up in the middle of the night wondering about this.

Is reverting a decision even possible?

Edited April 23, 2010 by Tall Chai Latte

[Jess77]

I agree iwth how you're feeling. I've been going through decision limbo for the past month now and finally accepted yesterday. I was sort of caught off guard due to the graduate advisor calling me to tell me she's sending out my info to professors for TA/RA positions. So I had to say yes. I still don't feel right about it, but I know this is what I want. Maybe it's the fear? That was my big thing.

[Lantern]

If you haven't already read this thread, check it out:

Maybe you wouldn't call your feelings "acceptance depression", but you might find this thread slightly comforting. It seems that many people don't exactly have the estatic feeling they imagined they would have after accepting at their choice school. At the time I posted there, I was trying to decide. For me, the biggest issue was fear of regret. Now that I have decided, there are days when I am thrilled to be going where I'm going, and days when I think of what I'll miss out on by not going somewhere else. I think the only way to avoid this feeling completely (for me personally) would be to go to several schools at once. That's obviously not possible, so I am focusing on the benefits of the school I chose, and I feel very fortunate and grateful.

I also think if you can give it a little time, most of your doubts will probably fade away. If you don't think that they will, maybe you need to do something about it. Good luck.

[tetrisenthusiast]

You're definitely not alone in feeling this kind of ambivalence; the best comparison I can make is to buyer's remorse. I'm still not 100% certain that I selected the "right" school, still feel terrible about declining the other offer, and have only recently stopped running through what-if scenarios in my head. There's also some lingering anxiety over whether I'm prepared for graduate school, period.

It might be helpful to remember that at one point, we decided that the paths we chose were the best ones available. We had our reasons then, and it's probably best to focus on those now. I know for sure that I'm happier now than I was during the beginning and middle of the admissions cycle, and feel happier still when I remember the reasons why I was excited about graduate school in the first place.

Trite though it may be, try to focus on the positives. We're lucky to be where we are now, and have a helluva lot to look forward to soon.

Edited April 23, 2010 by tetrisenthusiast

[graddamn]

I've been going through the same thing. I've been having nightmares. Everyone recommended school A to me. When I visited I really liked it, everything was perfect, and I was and still am super excited about attending. So I confirmed with School A, and declined an accept from school B. The DGS at School B, flat told me that when I woke up and realized that School A wasn't as great as I thought it was, s(he) still would think about accepting me for their Phd program. I thought that response was a bit uncalled for but it has been bothering me ever since...

[nurye27]

Same here. I've been experiencing this feeling, too. I've been wallowing in misery for the last 10 days or so which apparently is visible on the outside considering the many times I've heard that I look like sh*t.

But things seem to be getting better in time; even my fantasies about reverting the decision and ending up at the other school are abating a little bit. For what it's worth, I did read in another thread in the April 15th forum of one of the previous years that someone successfully reverted her decision after April 15. So I guess it's not impossible, but it's probably not advisable. Will it get rid of my problems? Will this feeling go away? I fear it might even get worse and much, much more complicated, not only the logicstic of doing so, but also my state of mind.

BTW calling this feeling "guilt" seems totally spot-on at, least in my case. After saying no to the other school, I have been feeling as if I ditched a girlfriend although I'm the bad guy. Whether it's guilt for ditching other possible selves or the fantastic people I met at the other school, I'm not sure, but it seems not all that Heidegger said is bs.

Right now, I have decided I will stick to my decision and go to the school I committed myself to. But I will leave a door open, that is, if I don't like it after the first semester or so, I'm telling myself that I can always contact the other school again and see if they would be willing to reopen my application. Luckily, I could transfer my credits to that institution, so it would not be a complete waste of time to study at the school I'm having second thoughts about.

Edited April 23, 2010 by nurye27

[Tall Chai Latte]

Wow, it's a relief to know that I'm not alone in feeling this strange feeling. Yes I have been wallowed in depression since 4/15, I keep asking myself if this decision is what I want, and what if I still don't feel fine by the end of August. Will I stick it out for the next 5 years? Will I feel miserable if I do stick it out? Will I drop out with a master? I still contacted a few PIs for possible rotation opportunities though, but sometimes I feel my heart lies with School B and I'm throwing away experiences that School A couldn't provide, especially I had "meh" feeling after visiting School A. I heard that transferring at PhD level is more difficult than applying fresh, this nonchalant thought really scares me....

[Katzenmusik]

I've been going through the same thing. I've been having nightmares. Everyone recommended school A to me. When I visited I really liked it, everything was perfect, and I was and still am super excited about attending. So I confirmed with School A, and declined an accept from school B. The DGS at School B, flat told me that when I woke up and realized that School A wasn't as great as I thought it was, s(he) still would think about accepting me for their Phd program. I thought that response was a bit uncalled for but it has been bothering me ever since...

Wow. How completely rude and unprofessional of the DGS. Seriously try not to let that comment get to you. The DGS sounds like a sore loser... who knows, perhaps s/he has lost applicants to School A in the past and has started to feel bitter about it. The only person who doesn't seem like School A is their rival, so pay no mind to that!

[psycholinguist]

To everyone feeling this way: wait for it! Your fears may or may not come to be realised, but there isn't any way to tell in advance; until you actually start a program, it's nearly impossible to have any good idea of what your experience there is going to be like. But if it doesn't work out, so what? You can try again next year; that really isn't the end of the world. So go out there as optimistically as possible and treat it like a great match. If it is, there'll be nothing to worry about and nothing to change. If it's not, then that'll become clear within a semester, and you'll have enough time to re-apply, with a much better idea of what you want and what you're hoping to do. Best of luck to all!

[Jezebel]

I had the same fear when I transferred schools 2 years into my undergrad. I was HORRIFIED and cried for days on end, thinking that I had made the biggest mistake of my life. The first few weeks were hell, but I adjusted and now I've never been happier. There's no way I could have planned to end up where I am now, how I am now, but I feel like this is absolutely right for me. It's normal to feel that sense of regret and remorse, fear and anticipation. It will soon turn into excitement and enthusiasm! I'm sure you'll love where you end up, and if not you can just accept it and move on. It's okay to not know, to make mistakes, and to fear the unknown! Be brave and good luck!

Edited April 29, 2010 by Jezebel

[grad_wannabe]

Someone in another thread called this Heidegger's existential remorse over "killing our other selves" those "selves which might have been." That describes to a T what I've felt since turning in my decision form: glum and anxious, like parts of me which might have lived were dying off.

I'm so glad I'm not the only one that feels this way. I've been mentally admonishing myself for my dazed depression, and feeling guilty for my lack of exuberance. I remember when I told my parents, "Yeah I just turned in my decision form to MIT" and I just felt so SHITTY and couldn't understand why. People keep saying to me, "Guess you're walking on air right now, huh??" and I couldn't explain to them how I felt. Knowing you guys feel the same helps a lot.

[Tall Chai Latte]

Yeah... I think a part of me is dying off too... I feel kinda guilty for not being exuberant here.

[Jae B.]

Someone in another thread called this Heidegger's existential remorse over "killing our other selves" those "selves which might have been." That describes to a T what I've felt since turning in my decision form: glum and anxious, like parts of me which might have lived were dying off.

I'm so glad I'm not the only one that feels this way. I've been mentally admonishing myself for my dazed depression, and feeling guilty for my lack of exuberance. I remember when I told my parents, "Yeah I just turned in my decision form to MIT" and I just felt so SHITTY and couldn't understand why.

^… Same feelings. I think I know I'm making the right decision, but unfortunately -- for my other self that might have been -- it means giving up on an "adventure" and an Ivy. Most people in my circle -- while supportive -- have continually hinted that not going to Columbia would be a personal and career mistake, as well as a cowardly choice. But "they're both great schools, so congrats...." This nagging external doubt kept me from making a decision sooner, even though I pretty much knew I wanted to go to Berkeley as soon as I got in, before I even heard from Columbia. Even though Columbia had been my number one choice. But somehow the joy got sucked out of my decision.

[pea-jay]

For me the adventure is still there-both schools I got into are just three stops away on the same train line in the same city-but even then I still feel a little bummed that I turned down NYU. I still wonder what doors the program might have opened for me.

It's ridiculous, I know. Baruch makes far more sense financially, will most likely help out my career the same way Wagner would have and plus they recruited me into the program. Fortunately these thoughts are relatively fleeting and I feel at ease about the decision, hence my banishment of my "decision meter" earlier this month.

[pea-jay]

Postscript: On the other hand it's empowering too.

I got into NYU but chose NOT to attend. It was strictly MY decision.

Edited May 2, 2010 by pea-jay