Parenting and Academics: Support (or Rant) Thread :D

[MCH_Hopeful_2021]

3 hours ago, DrWhisk said:

Hi everyone - long time lurker first time poster. I am freaking out because I've been struggling with infertility for some time...was about to go in for some tests when I actually got pregnant. I'm only about 5.5 weeks but hCG is wayy better than last time, so it's all very fresh. But I'm freaking out because this is my first, I have wanted this baby for so long, and I have wanted to go back for my PhD for so long too. I got in to my top choice program this Fall and I'm beyond thrilled but now I have this to contend with and have no idea what to do. I have no idea if this pregnancy will last; my last one ended in a miscarriage so I'm not getting attached until I get an ultrasound and confirmation from the OB, but still the anxiety is through the roof right now. 

I think I'm just looking for advice from all of you on how and when to navigate this discussion. The first year is coursework and doesn't seem flexible!? I don't want people to think I don't take school or research seriously (and the irony is, I'm going into maternal and child health), and I don't want to ruin any relationships that could effect my career in the future.

Sorry this is all over the place. Any insight would be most appreciated.

Congrats!! Looks like the little one wanted to join you on your PhD adventure! ?I’m very excited for you—think of how much you’ll grow and stretch personally and professionally these next few years! 
 

The major professional upside to your situation is that you’re just starting so you don’t have a ton of projects to juggle and absolutely no one is counting on you to teach, run their studies, etc. When I think about it, it seems more ideal to have a baby at the very beginning or end of a program, so good for you. 
 

Before talking to your advisor—maybe after the first trimester?—I’d really game out how this is going to go, and I’d treat this as I would if I working at a company—by brushing up on policy to understand your rights as a birthing person (ie parental leave, stipend/salary considerations, coursework completion [if my math is right, you won’t finish out the semester before the nugget arrives]). Also, by gaming it out I mean really thinking about how this pregnancy and your recovery will impact your progress and how you plan to mitigate that, when you start (e.g. offloading to research assistants, creating detailed training documents for others, submitting papers  to X number of journals so they’ll be under review while you’re out). Some of this won’t apply since you’ll be brand new but I think showing that type of forethought will put you at ease. Also, and most importantly, when you do let your advisor know, convey how happy you are! It’s been a long time coming and your family will now be expanding. That’s amazing and I promise you everyone will be happy. Just don’t frame it as an obstacle or a burden to overcome. 
 

Lastly, every single MCH program I interviewed at was kid-friendly. Every. Single. One. And most everyone I interviewed with also had children, so don’t worry! You’ll be fine. ❤️

 

Edited March 5, 2021 by MCH_Hopeful_2021

[DrWhisk]

2 hours ago, MCH_Hopeful_2021 said:

Congrats!! Looks like the little one wanted to join you on your PhD adventure! ?I’m very excited for you—think of how much you’ll grow and stretch personally and professionally these next few years! 
 

The major professional upside to your situation is that you’re just starting so you don’t have a ton of projects to juggle and absolutely no one is counting on you to teach, run their studies, etc. When I think about it, it seems more ideal to have a baby at the very beginning or end of a program, so good for you. 
 

Before talking to your advisor—maybe after the first trimester?—I’d really game out how this is going to go, and I’d treat this as I would if I working at a company—by brushing up on policy to understand your rights as a birthing person (ie parental leave, stipend/salary considerations, coursework completion [if my math is right, you won’t finish out the semester before the nugget arrives]). Also, by gaming it out I mean really thinking about how this pregnancy and your recovery will impact your progress and how you plan to mitigate that, when you start (e.g. offloading to research assistants, creating detailed training documents for others, submitting papers  to X number of journals so they’ll be under review while you’re out). Some of this won’t apply since you’ll be brand new but I think showing that type of forethought will put you at ease. Also, and most importantly, when you do let your advisor know, convey how happy you are! It’s been a long time coming and your family will now be expanding. That’s amazing and I promise you everyone will be happy. Just don’t frame it as an obstacle or a burden to overcome. 
 

Lastly, every single MCH program I interviewed at was kid-friendly. Every. Single. One. And most everyone I interviewed with also had children, so don’t worry! You’ll be fine. ❤️

 

Aw thank you!! I was clearly a mess this morning when I got the call with lab results lol. I appreciate your insight and advice. I love the mindset of this is not an obstacle but an amazing joy in my life; if I'm part of the problem how will we ever fix unconscious biases? Will see how things go over the next month and put a game plan together. 

You're right though - I asked every program I interviewed at about what it's like to have kids (thinking I wouldn't be able to until 3rd year), and all except one had responses I liked. The one place that had a less than ideal answer, the interviewer was a mom herself and said she constantly needed to keep her male colleagues in their places...haha. Hopefully it won't be too much of a problem to (hopefully) have a baby in November - maybe I'll get a head start on research and audit classes or something...I'll figure it out and maybe can use personal experience to my advantage for this degree

Thanks so much for the uplifting response - I definitely feel MUCH more relieved!

[dr_megaevil]

On 3/3/2021 at 7:52 PM, MCH_Hopeful_2021 said:

Ya'll I just put my kid on a waitlist for a pre-k run by the university's education department and man! It's a great school and is half the tuition of pre-k in the community but folks have been signed up since they were pregnant! I thought I was being a bit extra by signing my 1 year old up a year early, but looks like I'm a year late. haha.

Tip: If you can spare the fee (about $20 bucks for us), definitely scope out university daycare/pre-k while applying to programs and submit an app for the waitlist too. Maybe by the time you start, there will be a spot! 

Oh I'm glad you were able to do the waitlist! It's def worth it to sign up even for waitlist if you can! 

Daycare stuff is SUPER BAD in British Columbia... I signed up for multiple daycare spots for my daughter when I was SIX MONTHS PREGNANT. I got call back from those daycares FOUR YEARS LATER!!! Like wtf!! My daughter is no longer a baby, she's almost ready for kindergarten for god's sakes... ?

[dr_megaevil]

1 hour ago, DrWhisk said:

Aw thank you!! I was clearly a mess this morning when I got the call with lab results lol. I appreciate your insight and advice. I love the mindset of this is not an obstacle but an amazing joy in my life; if I'm part of the problem how will we ever fix unconscious biases? Will see how things go over the next month and put a game plan together. 

You're right though - I asked every program I interviewed at about what it's like to have kids (thinking I wouldn't be able to until 3rd year), and all except one had responses I liked. The one place that had a less than ideal answer, the interviewer was a mom herself and said she constantly needed to keep her male colleagues in their places...haha. Hopefully it won't be too much of a problem to (hopefully) have a baby in November - maybe I'll get a head start on research and audit classes or something...I'll figure it out and maybe can use personal experience to my advantage for this degree

Thanks so much for the uplifting response - I definitely feel MUCH more relieved!

First of all, congratulations on EVERYTHING!!! Omg!!! When it rains, IT RAINS doesn't it?? 

All your concerns are real and I was in a similar situation (with unexpected pregnancy and schooling) with my daughter and I survived!

I agree with @MCH_Hopeful_2021 ! I am pretty sure that school will be able to help you navigate through your program. 

Because you've had complications with your previous pregnancy, try to not to stress yourself! Forget about the school for now and nurture your body and your little bean ?

It's time to celebrate because you deserve it! Congrats again!! ❤️

[dr_megaevil]

So I got two rejections now and I have one more to hear back from. I have zero hopes of getting into the last one either... I am trying to stay optimistic about re-applying but I have to say I am very heartbroken and burnt out from investing so much time and energy with this whole application process and surviving mental torture!!! 

I dunno if it's my age (I just turned 36)... that I just don't have energy or tenacity anymore...? Or that my daughter just sucks all the energy outta me...lol Thinking about re-applying sounds daunting and hopeless.... Do I just give up my dream?? Sigh... It's just so effing hard!! I'm staying in my work office a little longer today to go through this thread. I don't get to have my alone moment when I am at home (where I have to put on a happy face for my daughter and it's so hard to do when I just want to curl up into a ball and sob!!) I did cry a couple of times and my daughter was all concerned for me. I felt so bad... a major failure.  

I want to get in touch with the school I got rejected from and ask about my application but I dunno.... is it worth it? I do want to know why I didn't make it in and find out how to improve myself BUT with so many applicants, will they even remember who I am?? 

[MCH_Hopeful_2021]

2 hours ago, dr_megaevil said:

So I got two rejections now and I have one more to hear back from. I have zero hopes of getting into the last one either... I am trying to stay optimistic about re-applying but I have to say I am very heartbroken and burnt out from investing so much time and energy with this whole application process and surviving mental torture!!! 

I dunno if it's my age (I just turned 36)... that I just don't have energy or tenacity anymore...? Or that my daughter just sucks all the energy outta me...lol Thinking about re-applying sounds daunting and hopeless.... Do I just give up my dream?? Sigh... It's just so effing hard!! I'm staying in my work office a little longer today to go through this thread. I don't get to have my alone moment when I am at home (where I have to put on a happy face for my daughter and it's so hard to do when I just want to curl up into a ball and sob!!) I did cry a couple of times and my daughter was all concerned for me. I felt so bad... a major failure.  

I want to get in touch with the school I got rejected from and ask about my application but I dunno.... is it worth it? I do want to know why I didn't make it in and find out how to improve myself BUT with so many applicants, will they even remember who I am?? 

I'm so sorry @dr_megaevil! I am hoping things work out with your final school.?

BUT, if for some reason, it doesn't, please hold your head high. This year has been unprecedented in so many ways--from the global recession that drove people to "shelter in place" or retool via school to the "Fauci Effect." You are very likely a great candidate, it was just harder for us all to shine through this go 'round. I'm not a religious person but I believe wholeheartedly that the Universe does work for us, even when it doesn't feel that way. You will end up where you are supposed to be--and I don't just say that as a young'in either. I'm also in my 30s and let me tell you, I've heard so many "no's" and "hell no's" I could write a book and then host the book club. I've started a business, I've shuttered a business, I've gotten big promotions, I've given up opportunities because of my pregnancy. I've lost so many times that I didn't have much hope that graduate school would be any different. But for whatever reason, this time, this door opened for me and I'm seeing how all of those no's was just the Universe leading me (i.e., dragging me, kicking and screaming, really) to this moment. You will have a similar epiphany and see that every f'n thing is as it should be, even when you can't see it or have the bandwidth to appreciate it. I hope this isn't too preachy, I just feel really strongly about this. 

P.S. Here's what I would do regarding following up after a rejection: I'd wait a little bit and then reach out to the actual PI--forget the coordinator, who's likely to just give you a boilerplate explanation.  I wouldn't frame the conversation as a "can you explain to me why I was rejected" type of thing. Instead, I'd say something along the lines of "I wasn't successful this cycle in getting an opportunity to work with you, but I'd like to keep at it. Do you think, when the craziness of the semester is over, that we could have a 1:1 and talk about what I can do to demonstrate my capacity to make a real impact on your team?"

I'm really rooting for you, so please keep us posted (no matter what)!

[DrWhisk]

4 hours ago, dr_megaevil said:

First of all, congratulations on EVERYTHING!!! Omg!!! When it rains, IT RAINS doesn't it?? 

All your concerns are real and I was in a similar situation (with unexpected pregnancy and schooling) with my daughter and I survived!

I agree with @MCH_Hopeful_2021 ! I am pretty sure that school will be able to help you navigate through your program. 

Because you've had complications with your previous pregnancy, try to not to stress yourself! Forget about the school for now and nurture your body and your little bean ?

It's time to celebrate because you deserve it! Congrats again!! ❤️

Thank you! Yeah seriously - when it rains, it rains haha. Thank you for sharing that it's possible - nice to know it's been done successfully!
And yes will definitely try not to stress (lol always so hard) but you're right - for now we'll just take it as it comes and hope for the best!

[DrWhisk]

4 hours ago, dr_megaevil said:

So I got two rejections now and I have one more to hear back from. I have zero hopes of getting into the last one either... I am trying to stay optimistic about re-applying but I have to say I am very heartbroken and burnt out from investing so much time and energy with this whole application process and surviving mental torture!!! 

I dunno if it's my age (I just turned 36)... that I just don't have energy or tenacity anymore...? Or that my daughter just sucks all the energy outta me...lol Thinking about re-applying sounds daunting and hopeless.... Do I just give up my dream?? Sigh... It's just so effing hard!! I'm staying in my work office a little longer today to go through this thread. I don't get to have my alone moment when I am at home (where I have to put on a happy face for my daughter and it's so hard to do when I just want to curl up into a ball and sob!!) I did cry a couple of times and my daughter was all concerned for me. I felt so bad... a major failure.  

I want to get in touch with the school I got rejected from and ask about my application but I dunno.... is it worth it? I do want to know why I didn't make it in and find out how to improve myself BUT with so many applicants, will they even remember who I am?? 

I'm sorry to hear this and I hope that your other program works out!
I applied twice...last time I had zero interviews and was rejected from all 4 schools. I spent months talking to, I kid you not, 52 professors across 9 of the 11 schools (2 schools' professors just never replied to any of my emails ever) I applied to in the Fall to really gauge schools/departments, fit, and research interest and ability. An MPH mentor I still am in touch with recommended this was the biggest thing lacking from my first round and this time - it did the trick. 

Also what @MCH_Hopeful_2021said - this year was INSANE. All the cards had to line up just so in order for anything to work out. I don't think age should be a factor - if you want to do this, you should totally do this! If anything, your depth and breadth of experience is going to make you an amazing addition to any program. If giving up your dream makes you sad, you shouldn't give up your dream -  so hoping for the absolute best outcome for you this year! And if this year's not the year, then I'm so hopeful and confident for you that next year will be

[cs4152008]

On 3/5/2021 at 10:24 AM, DrWhisk said:

Hi everyone - long time lurker first time poster. I am freaking out because I've been struggling with infertility for some time...was about to go in for some tests when I actually got pregnant. I'm only about 5.5 weeks but hCG is wayy better than last time, so it's all very fresh. But I'm freaking out because this is my first, I have wanted this baby for so long, and I have wanted to go back for my PhD for so long too. I got in to my top choice program this Fall and I'm beyond thrilled but now I have this to contend with and have no idea what to do. I have no idea if this pregnancy will last; my last one ended in a miscarriage so I'm not getting attached until I get an ultrasound and confirmation from the OB, but still the anxiety is through the roof right now. 

I think I'm just looking for advice from all of you on how and when to navigate this discussion. The first year is coursework and doesn't seem flexible!? I don't want people to think I don't take school or research seriously (and the irony is, I'm going into maternal and child health), and I don't want to ruin any relationships that could effect my career in the future.

Sorry this is all over the place. Any insight would be most appreciated.

WOW. I just came to this thread to post the exact same question as you. I'm right around 6 weeks and would be due early November (fingers crossed everything works out). I'm pretty set on the fact that I won't be able to start my PhD next year because I really want to take advantage of some good company and state maternity leave but I have no clue how to have the "please please pretty please let me defer a year" conversation. I understand completely where you're coming from - this is a very wanted and exciting pregnancy but I also still care deeply about my PhD opportunities. 

Do you have any acceptances yet that you're trying to navigate? Feel free to send me a message directly if you'd like! Would love to chat more with someone who is in the same boat.

Edited March 10, 2021 by cs4152008

[DrWhisk]

5 hours ago, cs4152008 said:

WOW. I just came to this thread to post the exact same question as you. I'm right around 6 weeks and would be due early November (fingers crossed everything works out). I'm pretty set on the fact that I won't be able to start my PhD next year because I really want to take advantage of some good company and state maternity leave but I have no clue how to have the "please please pretty please let me defer a year" conversation. I understand completely where you're coming from - this is a very wanted and exciting pregnancy but I also still care deeply about my PhD opportunities. 

Do you have any acceptances yet that you're trying to navigate? Feel free to send me a message directly if you'd like! Would love to chat more with someone who is in the same boat.

Haha congratulations! How cool that we are two peas in a pod  That's great that you have the option to defer for a year and I'm sure people will totally understand! I do - I was lucky to have a few acceptances and I am ultimately going to go to my first choice school (yay!) but totally freaked out about having the conversation with my advisor to be. I'll send you a message - happy to chat more!

[moosepup]

On 3/10/2021 at 12:27 PM, cs4152008 said:

WOW. I just came to this thread to post the exact same question as you. I'm right around 6 weeks and would be due early November (fingers crossed everything works out). I'm pretty set on the fact that I won't be able to start my PhD next year because I really want to take advantage of some good company and state maternity leave but I have no clue how to have the "please please pretty please let me defer a year" conversation. I understand completely where you're coming from - this is a very wanted and exciting pregnancy but I also still care deeply about my PhD opportunities. 

Do you have any acceptances yet that you're trying to navigate? Feel free to send me a message directly if you'd like! Would love to chat more with someone who is in the same boat.

I'm (kind of) in the same boat! I found out I'm pregnant and due in early/mid Nov, and am waiting on 1 school. I so badly want to get in and do this, but if they let me in I'm going to have to have the "love you and your program, just don't think it would be the best idea for me to have my first kid (hopefully! ?) 2 months into the first year of the PhD program" chat ?

[cs4152008]

3 minutes ago, moosepup said:

I'm (kind of) in the same boat! I found out I'm pregnant and due in early/mid Nov, and am waiting on 1 school. I so badly want to get in and do this, but if they let me in I'm going to have to have the "love you and your program, just don't think it would be the best idea for me to have my first kid (hopefully! ?) 2 months into the first year of the PhD program" chat ?

Sending you a message! We are totally in the same boat. Not looking forward to that conversation