How to politely decline an offer?!

[missycari]

Some of these schools appear to expect you not to reply until you do know where you will be attending. They should rethink this. All the forms want to know where I"m ultimately going...and where I've had to do online rejections I've been prompted to indicate which school I was attending before I could decline. I had to just pick one.

[amanda1655]

I would take his indecision into consideration even if he decides to stay put. Nothing is more frustrating than having your advisor decide to leave two years in the program, and then being forced to choose between transferring with your advisor and staying put and being orphaned. Professors who are considering other offers are likely to do so again.

[NSGoddessQ]

Having moderated these fora for the last couple of years, I have seen the toll that waitlists (and the people who "collect" acceptance letters, not bothering to inform their departments until the last minute that they've accepted another offer) take on people's lives. There's always a 'next person down the line' who is desperately hoping that someone will inform their department, so they can finally plan the next 5-8 years of their lives.

I honestly don't understand the people who have 3-15 acceptances, and want to hold them all until 11:59pm on April 14th.

It *is* important to be considerate of those waiting down the line. I was actually waiting on my boyfriend's last decision letter so that we could talk about it, even though I pretty much knew where I was going. But we set April 2 as the date by which we would need to talk about it, whether it was in the abstract or with offers on the table. I wanted to be done with it, but I also knew that other people needed to know.

But as amanda1655 said, it's tough to disappoint people who have been kind to you and with whom you may have begun to form a rapport. It has to be done, but it can rarely be done with impunity, and without a sense of loss and regret in mild-to-severe doses.

Then again, this is coming from the girl who lost the cash from a National Merit Scholarship for undergrad because of failure to make the decision on time. So consider the source... :roll:

How have you been handling this question, Minnesotan? Do you know yet where you're headed?

[TMP]

Wow! Thanks guys for this conversation! I got another offer with a prof who met with me and was willing to take a very late application (b/c I was sooo afraid I wasn't going to get in anywhere else!). The thing is he's close to one of my professors and I was just ....ahhhhh!!! how do I tell them that I'm not going to go with them but instead go elsewhere?! I do know that they only want the best for me.

I agree that something must be said about the timing of things.. need to get over and realize that it's going to be the end of the world, blah, blah. It's just a matter of not being able to freak out anymore and only freakout about going to grad school, period.

Also I notice that many of us here are women... and we do have emotional issues

[amanda1655]

Totallyfreakingout -

Calm down a bit. I think it may be a bit rash to call other people "selfish" and "irresponsible" whom you don't know. You don't know their reasoning or the reasons why they are taking a bit longer to inform the other schools even after they made a decision. One of the people I turned down is considered the "Dean" of my subfield in the United States. I have also heard stories about him treating graduate students from certain departments (i.e., the one I accepted) horribly, causing at least one to change fields. He had been very supportive of me throughout the application process, and I was dreading e-mailing him and needed time to figure out how to word my response. Luckily, he responded to my e-mail with courtesy and kindness. Another one was a close friend of my undergraduate advisor. I suspect that my acceptance was at least partially a favor to my undergraduate advisor. The professor pulled a lot of strings for me. I had a hard time letting that professor know because I felt somewhat obligated to him because of how much trouble he had went to.

About women and their emotions - Let's face it. Women are acculturated by our sexist society to be emotional and to distrust their own decisions. It's part of the partriarchal dividend that men are encouraged to feel confident about their reasoning powers. Although I doubt ticklemepick was thinking of that when she made her comment, her comment is not totally off-base. Women are often interpreted as being emotionally unstable and have been taught to be so. Part of feminism is recognizing the ways that women have been conditioned to accept their own subjugation.

Also, your handle is a little ironic in the context of this argument.

[Minnesotan]

Emotions don't excuse discourtesy, and it is quite discourteous (not to mention unprofessional) to jerk multiple colleagues around just because you don't want to give up offers you have no intention of accepting. Sure, it's different when you have yet to make a decision. However, once you've decided where you are going, and have even notified a school, all you are doing is making other people's lives more difficult by holding places in multiple programs you do not wish to attend.

I do not see how being a woman or having emotions plays any part in this. Men, too, have emotions (gasp!), but are you saying we should be expected to "be men" and "suck it up" in our society? Isn't this just as damaging a bit of gender essentialism (i.e. men are confident and unemotional by nature, and therefore should not be allowed to demonstrate indecisiveness or anxiety about their future)?

Hiding behind one's gender and one's perceptions of unequal treatment in society does not excuse a lack of professionalism. When it comes down to it, you need to realize that being an adult is about taking responsibility for yourself, and making the difficult decisions in life without attempting to excuse yourself on the basis of some self-imposed sense of otherness. We're all unique, as our kindergarten teachers told us; that does not mean we get to claim special treatment.

Again, this issue has absolutely nothing to do with gender, and I strongly encourage everyone to get back on track. Tangents like this, where people inexplicably bring race, gender, religion, or politics into unrelated conversations, are apt to get heated, and I think that is unnecessary in this situation. Let's try to work this out through a discussion of gender-neutral ethics, not snipe at each other over gross generalizations about how society (whoever that is) treats (every member of?) certain genders, religions, or races.

[engguy]

OK, I just let go of UC Santa Cruz, and it was very emotional...

I still have lovely memories of the campus visit, the program and the people, and in another life I think it might have been the school for me. But not this year.

There was an "official" decline that I had to do via their web site -- my finger did not want to press the "confirm" button -- and then I wrote a brief note of thanks and regret to the DGS and the program coordinator who'd sent me the offer. There are others I will write to as well, but there's no hurry.

I agree that holding on to multiple offers once you've already accepted somewhere is a selfish and weasely thing to do, but it's also a bit weasely for waitlisted folks to pressure others -- and the distinction needs to be made between those who are genuinely agonizing over a decision and those who are just being selfish. Those who are waitlisted -- I feel your pain, but there are so many variables at work with each individual program and in many cases you probably won't hear until April 15 or after. It's ironic to me that people like santana are advocating for accepting multiple offers just to cover your ass, and others are supporting that, yet some of those same people seem to expect those with multiple offers to make a quick decision and free up space!

I didn't feel obliged to cut SC loose, for example, until they suddenly offered me more money, money that they now can use on someone else. Prior to that, it was my understanding that they had no waitlist, just a selection of admitted students with various levels of funding. The increased offer added urgency to the process, for obvious reasons.

At any rate, at this point it's down to two and I'm not going to hurry. In my mind (& heart), it's not so much worry about making a wrong decision, but about what I'd give up and miss out on in either case -- and that's what makes it so hard.

[amanda1655]

Minnesotan - I jerked no one around. Jerking them around would be saying "yes" to a school, and then saying "no." All I did was take time to think about what I wanted to say to ensure that I maintained a good relationship with the people I was saying "no" to. I don't think that anyone was harmed because I took an extra week to let some people know. If they were, they need to develop a thicker skin.

As for your comments about gender, you have started and engaged in many such tangents yourself. I could cite examples but I think it would only lead to nitpicking. I am not advocating essentialism. I think that gender is socially constructed. Men are encouraged to act in one way, and women in another. I do think that men are encouraged to show their emotions less than women are. It wasn't always that way (for example, the romantic period) but it is now.

Totallyfreakingout - It's nice that you don't think my reasons were valid but I stand by them.

[Minnesotan]

Minnesotan - I jerked no one around. Jerking them around would be saying "yes" to a school, and then saying "no."

I was referring to your colleagues who are waiting for you to accept or decline an offer, not the schools. By holding multiple offers you know you aren't going to accept, you're making other people wait to plan their lives because you want to word things properly or explore your emotions, as you claim. This seems a little egocentric to me.

I've declined the offers I know I won't accept. I'm also holding one (my favorite so far) until I see what happens with a couple of waitlists. If I get in off a waitlist, I will decide as quickly as possible which of the two remaining offers is the best, and inform the other that I won't be attending. I think that's the responsible thing to do -- I hold one offer at a time, not three or twelve. =)

Do what you want, but you can only attend one school. Dicking around with multiple offers, when you've already made up your mind, is just plain selfish. I'm not pressuring anyone for personal reasons, because all of my history programs have informed me under no uncertain terms that they either want me or they do not. I'm just trying to point out that people seem to forget that there are others whose lives they are affecting by waiting to inform for no legitimate reason.

[missycari]

Let's be reasonable. It's tough to let people know that you won't be attending, when it's a program that really interested you and you liked the people. Amanda didn't say she sat on offers she knew she was declining for a month - she said a week. I think that's within reason. This isn't an easy process and I'm sure Amanda, like everyone else, has a lot going on and it's a lot to handle. I think she's entitled to some time to get back to people and to consider what to say. I don't think that's selfish or irresponsible. It's not like she's displaying no concern whatsoever or refusing to reply until the last minute. She has demonstrated concern about this, even if her response time hasn't been immediate. These schools should also have enough time to get offers out to people before the 15th.

We can't all be perfect and reply to everyone the same day. Life and emotions intervene. Is a week a bit long to take? Yeah, it is. But selfish and irresponsible? That's going much too far. And I don't think Amanda's candid (and not at all unsympathetic) statements warranted these remarks.

[NSGoddessQ]

Let's be reasonable. It's tough to let people know that you won't be attending, when it's a program that really interested you and you liked the people. Amanda didn't say she sat on offers she knew she was declining for a month - she said a week. I think that's within reason. This isn't an easy process and I'm sure Amanda, like everyone else, has a lot going on and it's a lot to handle. I think she's entitled to some time to get back to people and to consider what to say. I don't think that's selfish or irresponsible. It's not like she's displaying no concern whatsoever or refusing to reply until the last minute. She has demonstrated concern about this, even if her response time hasn't been immediate. These schools should also have enough time to get offers out to people before the 15th.

We can't all be perfect and reply to everyone the same day. Life and emotions intervene. Is a week a bit long to take? Yeah, it is. But selfish and irresponsible? That's going much too far. And I don't think Amanda's candid (and not at all unsympathetic) statements warranted these remarks.

Ditto McDitto to every well-elucidated point, missycari. I think everyone could do with a shot of empathy at this point -- it's psychologically stressful to be waiting on a school that you've been wait-listed at; it's also psychologically stressful to perform the actions that entail a conscious letting go of other potential futures. There are, in some ways, multiple decisions involved: not only are you deciding positively to go to School X, you are deciding NOT to go to Schools Y and Z.

Also, let's face it: it is very important to choose your words carefully. You want to leave them smiling as you go, as best as you can. It takes time to compose those emails, and the more faculty contacts you have at a school, the more time it takes. My "current level of education" involves finishing up an undergrad honors thesis before -- you guessed it!-- April 15th. The formal rejection emails (about 15 total, to different profs, etc) took the better part of a night to dispatch. It's not a slapdash chore in my experience, even when you're not dealing with angst about the decision.

[missycari]

My "current level of education" involves finishing up an undergrad honors thesis before -- you guessed it!-- April 15th.

Ohhhh....... me too. Terrible, isn't it?

[rising_star]

I would take his indecision into consideration even if he decides to stay put. Nothing is more frustrating than having your advisor decide to leave two years in the program, and then being forced to choose between transferring with your advisor and staying put and being orphaned. Professors who are considering other offers are likely to do so again.

I don't know about that. Many universities are now requiring that you have another offer in hand before giving faculty a raise... I think once you've invested in that process, it's easier to consider going to another university.

[jaw17]

As far as opening up spots for those on waitlists goes, do the faculty/staff emails suffice or do the schools usually wait until receipt of the official snail mail response form?

[TMP]

Also, let's face it: it is very important to choose your words carefully. You want to leave them smiling as you go, as best as you can. It takes time to compose those emails, and the more faculty contacts you have at a school, the more time it takes. My "current level of education" involves finishing up an undergrad honors thesis before -- you guessed it!-- April 15th. The formal rejection emails (about 15 total, to different profs, etc) took the better part of a night to dispatch. It's not a slapdash chore in my experience, even when you're not dealing with angst about the decision.

Totallyfreakingout -

Calm down a bit. I think it may be a bit rash to call other people "selfish" and "irresponsible" whom you don't know. You don't know their reasoning or the reasons why they are taking a bit longer to inform the other schools even after they made a decision. One of the people I turned down is considered the "Dean" of my subfield in the United States. I have also heard stories about him treating graduate students from certain departments (i.e., the one I accepted) horribly, causing at least one to change fields. He had been very supportive of me throughout the application process, and I was dreading e-mailing him and needed time to figure out how to word my response. Luckily, he responded to my e-mail with courtesy and kindness. Another one was a close friend of my undergraduate advisor. I suspect that my acceptance was at least partially a favor to my undergraduate advisor. The professor pulled a lot of strings for me. I had a hard time letting that professor know because I felt somewhat obligated to him because of how much trouble he had went to.

Ahem. Exactly the situation I am in. And you know what? The close friend of the "dean in of the subfield" professor that I'm going to turn down wrote back after I told her my final decision. She said, "It's alright, I don't expect everyone to follow my advice; it can only go so far! I mean I raised 6 children... taught over 25 years... Only you'll know if Michigan's right for you once you get there."

Now off to write that e-mail... with carefully chosen words. He strikes me as a Donald Trump type so...

[luvalicious]

I found it difficult to state why I was rejecting the programs - in one case, it was just that I fell in love with another school upon visiting and had a minor concern about fit (2nd choice), and in the other case, the concerns about fit/funding were larger (3rd choice). The fact that one of the professors at the second school had a snotty reaction to the fact that I hadn't immediately accepted, and told my current advisor during an unrelated phone call that s/he didn't believe I was taking the offer seriously (I was, I just happened to be speaking with six other people than this one) made writing that letter harder. I had only emailed with any of the people I was supposed to inform of my decision once or twice, none of whom I would be working with, and being that there was no relationship there it was kind of hard to be much other than perfunctory or polite, even though I was told that I should soothe the ego a bit. I ended up not personalizing the emails much for that school beyond changing a few words, and maybe that was a mistake, but I figured that I shouldn't waste more of their precioustime trying to hand-hold them through a rejection.

I resented the implication that because I had not spoken with him (who isn't even in my subfield) that I wasn't taking it seriously, or that I was taking too long to decide. There wasn't alot of room between my three choices, because I only applied to programs I felt strongly about... I needed to be able to visit and speak with alot of people to make my decision. That took time. I know there's a distinction between selfishly holding onto offers and really needing time to make a decision, but the only person who can know which situation that is, is the person making the decision. As soon as I was absolutely sure, I informed the other schools, but from the conversation I'd had with my advisor two weeks prior she knew that one of those schools was 3rd choice and agreed with me as to why. Does that mean that two weeks ago I should have rejected? Because two weeks ago they upped my funding, and two weeks ago I had no contacts at the school I eventually chose.

[redwine]

I can sympathise with those above who have had to carefully word emails to the 'dean in their field.' I had the same problem; and she sent me a perfunctory reply to my long, apologetic email about turning down her program! I am tempted to think I have burned my bridges there and shouldn't even try to approach her at conferences and such like, but I think I will have to swallow my fear and do it anyway as she will be an important contact for the future. Gulp. Most other people I have emailed re turning down programs have been very nice though, and said they understand how difficult it is and that the program I chose should be great etc etc. I just hope they took me sincerely when I said it really was a hard decision - like others above I only applied to a few programs I really liked, so when it came to deciding it wasn't like I could instantly discount any. To be honest, despite the fact that I started this thread...I don't think there is an easy way to decline an offer. Swallow and do it quickly, like pulling off a plaster. That's my advice to everyone else yet to do it

[rising_star]

I can sympathise with those above who have had to carefully word emails to the 'dean in their field.' I had the same problem; and she sent me a perfunctory reply to my long, apologetic email about turning down her program! I am tempted to think I have burned my bridges there and shouldn't even try to approach her at conferences and such like, but I think I will have to swallow my fear and do it anyway as she will be an important contact for the future. Gulp. Most other people I have emailed re turning down programs have been very nice though, and said they understand how difficult it is and that the program I chose should be great etc etc. I just hope they took me sincerely when I said it really was a hard decision - like others above I only applied to a few programs I really liked, so when it came to deciding it wasn't like I could instantly discount any. To be honest, despite the fact that I started this thread...I don't think there is an easy way to decline an offer. Swallow and do it quickly, like pulling off a plaster. That's my advice to everyone else yet to do it

redwine, don't avoid her at conferences. These things happen and everyone knows it. No worries!

[TMP]

The beauty of academia- swallowing pride all the time! :shock:

By the way, my Donald Trump said "Best of luck!!!" Looks like I'm chill and I would approach him at conferences anyway because his work is really engaging for me.

[Economania]

I know nobody's posted on this thread for a long time. But just wanted to say it helped me a lot! Sending out emails declining offers (especially to Universities I visited) was gut wrenching! 

[SunshineLolipops]

As someone with no acceptances and only a waitlist, I don't begrudge anyone taking their time to make their decision at all.  Once a person has accepted an offer of course, I would hope that they notify the other schools as soon as possible.  Having declined job offers in the past, I can say that being honest about your reasons for accepting another offer is important, but don't feel the need to be overly specific.

[Malthusian]

I was made offers from all three of the places I applied to and rejecting one of them was extremely difficult to do. I politely stated that my research interests were a better fit for another institution and that if I could, I would apply to both.

If you're applying to top places, they'll have no issue replacing you so don't feel too bad about it.

[dreamerr33]

Bumping this thread here,

I recently declined an offer, and the Program coordinator has asked me which school will I be attending. Is it important for me to reply? What could be the consequences if I don't reply, anyone who has had a similar experience?

[Concordia]

If you haven't decided yet, that gives an opportunity for something vague.  

I withdrew 2 probably-successful applications (they'd been blessed by the faculty but hadn't gone through the rest of the python), and said in my e-mail where I was going.  Each advisor knew that I had a prior relationship with the guy at Oxford, and so it wasn't a huge slap in the face to them.  I couldn't claim a fabulous funding opportunity (the other obvious reason to go one place over another), but I did say I had "a nice offer" and left it at that.

[allisonsie]

For myself, I was able to explain that I had chosen a well-regarded MA to give myself time to really pinpoint my dissertation topic, prepare for my PhD (and languages!) and reapply in two years, and I hoped to be in touch then (one of my professors responded that my reasoning was "thoroughly reasonable.") For my professor of interest at the school I very nearly went to (the decision had me crying so hard I had a headache), I'm going to be a bit more transparent and explain that I opted for this path because my grandfather is likely in the last two years of his life, and this choice allowed me to make progress on my educational goals while also staying in the area so I could spend some time with him, and I'll be reapplying again in two years, once he has likely passed. This was helped because the school I accepted is only 2 hours from my hometown and the other school was a full 13 hours away. So, my advice is, to be honest, talk about how nice it was to meet them, thank them for their help, and ask to stay in touch.