I feel like I have made a mistake

[robot_hamster]

I posted on here a long time ago. Okay, it hasn't been THAT long. I think maybe back in March? Anyway, I was pretty limited with my choices for graduate school. My husband is finishing up his degree and he really doesn't want to leave after being over halfway through his program. Understandable. So I applied for graduate school at the local university (as some of you may recall, I also did an undergraduate research program over one summer at this same school). I was accepted. But to my shock and disbelief, I was not offered any kind of funding. No fellowship, no assistantship (TA or RA). Nothing. I pursued it, I asked everyone. No luck. Well, no funding then no grad school. Right? Well, apparently that isn't how things played out. I accepted admission, but wasn't really planning on going. I figured I could find a job over the summer, get some work experience, and delay my admission to grad school. After a summer of job searching with not so much as an interview to show for it, I started to panic. After all, I have undergraduate loans that would be coming due if I was no longer enrolled in a program. So I decided to go ahead with grad school and (gasp) take out loans to cover the expense. So now you know what happened with that.

Now I am about a month into my first semester. No one with similar interests to my own would agree to be my adviser. That is, if they responded to me at all. It was such a nightmare! Finally, a professor from another department agreed to be my temporary adviser. He has been helping me and he is very nice, but he doesn't know a whole lot about what I am interested in. With only 2 short years, there is a lot of pressure to figure out what my thesis will be about too. So far, this has been so stressful for me. How can I explore possible research interests if people (namely, faculty) do not have the time to talk to me? I am also worried about wasting a semester on "incorrect" class choices, since I wasn't allowed to register until many classes were already full (a lot of the grad level courses also have an undergraduate component) my choices were pretty limited. I feel so out of place, unwelcome, and lost. I just don't know what to do and I feel like I have made a horrible mistake.

I don't mean to sound like I am complaining. I am just looking for some guidance. I try talking to my husband about these things and he simply doesn't want to hear it.

[Medievalmaniac]

I posted on here a long time ago. Okay, it hasn't been THAT long. I think maybe back in March? Anyway, I was pretty limited with my choices for graduate school. My husband is finishing up his degree and he really doesn't want to leave after being over halfway through his program. Understandable. So I applied for graduate school at the local university (as some of you may recall, I also did an undergraduate research program over one summer at this same school). I was accepted. But to my shock and disbelief, I was not offered any kind of funding. No fellowship, no assistantship (TA or RA). Nothing. I pursued it, I asked everyone. No luck. Well, no funding then no grad school. Right? Well, apparently that isn't how things played out. I accepted admission, but wasn't really planning on going. I figured I could find a job over the summer, get some work experience, and delay my admission to grad school. After a summer of job searching with not so much as an interview to show for it, I started to panic. After all, I have undergraduate loans that would be coming due if I was no longer enrolled in a program. So I decided to go ahead with grad school and (gasp) take out loans to cover the expense. So now you know what happened with that.

Now I am about a month into my first semester. No one with similar interests to my own would agree to be my adviser. That is, if they responded to me at all. It was such a nightmare! Finally, a professor from another department agreed to be my temporary adviser. He has been helping me and he is very nice, but he doesn't know a whole lot about what I am interested in. With only 2 short years, there is a lot of pressure to figure out what my thesis will be about too. So far, this has been so stressful for me. How can I explore possible research interests if people (namely, faculty) do not have the time to talk to me? I am also worried about wasting a semester on "incorrect" class choices, since I wasn't allowed to register until many classes were already full (a lot of the grad level courses also have an undergraduate component) my choices were pretty limited. I feel so out of place, unwelcome, and lost. I just don't know what to do and I feel like I have made a horrible mistake.

I don't mean to sound like I am complaining. I am just looking for some guidance. I try talking to my husband about these things and he simply doesn't want to hear it.

OK...take a deep breath.The situation is awful, and I fully sympathize. You need to start, right off the bat, by having a pity party for the next twenty-four hours, complete with a full pint of your favorite flavor of Ben and Jerry's and whatever chick flic you love best in all the world. In other words - shut out the entire world and do the Ostrich thing. Cry and feel horribly sorry for yourself. The next part is going to sound crazy, but just try it (what do you have to lose?) It's a riff on the theme of positive psychological visualization.

Write down what you expected graduate school to be like. Just a page or so, but what your original expectations were. Then, make a list of all of the ways in which your actual experiences have and have not lived up to those expectations so far. Compare the lists. Now think about this: how much of your original expectations do you think is reasonable, and how much do you think could possibly have been unrealistic/Pollyanna like thinking? Once you have a good idea as to what is and what is not your current reality(here's where the crazy-sounding part comes in) , light a candle, and place a small glass bowl next to the candle. Make a list of the things that have most disappointed you so far, and state them in a negative format (i.e. "I don't have communication with my department". "I don't have good advising in my field." "I don't feel heard." "I don't feel accepted", etc. etc. etc. Cut the list into slips of paper, with one individual statement on each slip. Now, light a corner of each slip of paper on fire, one at a time, using the candle, and then drop them into the bowl to burn. After each one, rephrase the statement into a positive one (so, burning the "I don't have good communication with my department", now you say or think, "I will have good communication with my department from this point on, because I matter as a student in this program." At the end, blow out the candle and think, "I am a good student, I deserve to be in this program, and I have a right to be an active member of this department." Now, take a bubble bath. During the bubble bath, re-vision your experience as a positive one, seeing yourself as the graduate student you expect to be.

After the bath, you should be feeling calmer. Now, you put things into motion. I suggest beginning with the department's director of graduate studies. Make an appointment to go in and speak to him/her. Write down your most pressing concerns. Don't frame them as complaints, frame them as concerns. Go into the office and tell him or her - "I have a number of concerns about my experience so far in the department, and I want to run them by you because I am afraid they will negatively impact my performance." Tell him or her, specifically, what you have been most upset by - again, not complaining, but concerned: "I applied to this program specifically for xxx, as stated on my admission application. As an accepted student, I expected xxxxx, but I have found instead yyyy." Ask for suggestions as to what you can do to rectify this situation. For example: "I applied to this program to work in mysical devotion narratives. I had thought I would therefore be working with either Dr. Francine or Dr. Gary, who are the department's medieval devotional literature specialists. When I approached them, however, both told me they would not be willing to work with me, and neither suggested how this might change, what sort of project they would be interested in working with me on, or any other solution to the issue. Since I am focusing on mystic devotional literature, and neither of your specialists wants to work with me, can you recommend another avenue by which I can achieve the goals I laid out in my application?" in other words, you don't really point fingers, but you do demonstrate the issues you are dealing with clearly and specifically. Allow the director of graduate studies to work with you on this - that's his or her job.

If, on the other hand, the DGS doesn't have an answer, now you pull out the big guns and go to the department head. If the department head doesn't have answers for your concerns, you go to the Dean of Arts and Sciences. And so on and so forth. It should, frankly, not go past the director of graduate studies, and certainly not past the department head.

In other words - allow yourself to feel the disappointment and sadness, then frame yourself in a more positive and proactive state of mind, and then behave in a professional and proactive fashion by addressing your concerns with the people responsible for seeing to it that the graduate program runs smoothly.

I hope this helps, I really do, and I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Best of luck, and keep us posted!

[caffeinated librarian]

I really feel for you, Medievalmaniac. When I was in undergrad, most of my professors told me not to go to grad school in the humanities unless I had funding. I listened (I thought) but when I actually was admitted into a program with no funding, I was so excited to get the acceptance that I couldnt' turn it down. It ended up being a huge, costly mistake. When I got in to program A, I ran into problems very similar to what you have been dealing with. I didn't connect with many of the students or the faculty. I really tried to make it work. Three semesters and approximately $30,000 in loans later, I gave up. I couldn't justify racking up more debt in a program where the faculty didn't seem to care if I was there or not. When it started to affect my marriage, I pulled the plug. Now, I still have to eventually pay back the loans for a program I didn't finish, and while some of the hours transferred, not all of them did, so that time is wasted.

While I can appreciate robot hamster's suggestions for turning things around in a positive way, I do think you need to be practical, too. I would suggest sticking it out for the semester. Give yourself that one semester to adjust, and have a backup plan ready in case things don't change. You can leave after a semester and still have a shot at transferring those credit hours to another program. If you go beyond the 6 or 9 hours that most programs accept, you'll lose time and money. You don't have to start paying your loans back the day you leave the program. You should have at least six months to defer. Even if you wait beyond that and have to start paying back loans, that is better than racking up more debt for a program that you don't love.

Yes, graduate school is challenging and stressful, but you need support - from your fellow students, your professors, and your family. If you don't have all three, then it may not be the right program or the right time. Don't compromise just because you think you have to get your degree right now. A better opportunity may be around the corner if you wait.

I really wish that someone had told me in my first semester that it was okay to leave, that I didn't have to finish just because I started. I would have saved a lot of time and heartache.

FWIW, I ended up in another program in a different field. I loved it. I got full-funding and connected with some great people - students and faculty - that to this day have been a great asset.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

Edited September 29, 2010 by caffeinated librarian

[robot_hamster]

I really feel for you, Medievalmaniac. When I was in undergrad, most of my professors told me not to go to grad school in the humanities unless I had funding. I listened (I thought) but when I actually was admitted into a program with no funding, I was so excited to get the acceptance that I couldnt' turn it down. It ended up being a huge, costly mistake. When I got in to program A, I ran into problems very similar to what you have been dealing with. I didn't connect with many of the students or the faculty. I really tried to make it work. Three semesters and approximately $30,000 in loans later, I gave up. I couldn't justify racking up more debt in a program where the faculty didn't seem to care if I was there or not. When it started to affect my marriage, I pulled the plug. Now, I still have to eventually pay back the loans for a program I didn't finish, and while some of the hours transferred, not all of them did, so that time is wasted.

While I can appreciate robot hamster's suggestions for turning things around in a positive way, I do think you need to be practical, too. I would suggest sticking it out for the semester. Give yourself that one semester to adjust, and have a backup plan ready in case things don't change. You can leave after a semester and still have a shot at transferring those credit hours to another program. If you go beyond the 6 or 9 hours that most programs accept, you'll lose time and money. You don't have to start paying your loans back the day you leave the program. You should have at least six months to defer. Even if you wait beyond that and have to start paying back loans, that is better than racking up more debt for a program that you don't love.

Yes, graduate school is challenging and stressful, but you need support - from your fellow students, your professors, and your family. If you don't have all three, then it may not be the right program or the right time. Don't compromise just because you think you have to get your degree right now. A better opportunity may be around the corner if you wait.

I really wish that someone had told me in my first semester that it was okay to leave, that I didn't have to finish just because I started. I would have saved a lot of time and heartache.

FWIW, I ended up in another program in a different field. I loved it. I got full-funding and connected with some great people - students and faculty - that to this day have been a great asset.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

Were you addressing this to me?

[robot_hamster]

Medievalmaniac - Do you mean the school's director? There is a director of the umbrella school under which my program lies. Or do you mean the specialization (department) leader in the area I am interested in? I do not have a specialization declared and my adviser is in a department that is included under the massive umbrella, but is not one that I am interested in. My adviser happens to be the leader for his department. I hope that makes sense. I guess I am confused as to who I should go to first.

[TMP]

Honestly, I say leave. Re-apply elsewhere where there are actually faculty members in your area of interests. You'll be happier paying off the loans and be more likely to graduate. I know of a MA student who left my program because she was so unhappy and couldn't justify why she should take out more loans. Now, even in a crappy general job market, she's actually much happier. She'll apply again when she's ready.

Humanities rarely have funding. Loans are more likely to be worth it if you're looking to go into PhD.

[robot_hamster]

I'm not in humanities. I'm in science (ecology, mostly). I don't know if that matters or not. I was starting with a masters and then perhaps progressing on to a PhD.

Edited September 30, 2010 by robot_hamster

[fuzzylogician]

robot_hamster, I think that caffeinated_librarian made some very good points. From the way you're describing the situation it doesn't sound like there is a lot you can do -- if no professor within your specialization is willing to work with you then it'll be very hard for you to succeed in your program. I feel for you, it's outrageous that a program will accept a student when no suitable advisor is willing to take that student on as an advisee. I'd suggest you try to finish this semester and use the advice that you've been given here to try and improve your standing in the program. Maybe someone can suggest a way to support you better, once they realize that currently you are not receiving the mentorship that you need. However, if things don't change then I don't see a point in staying. Cut your losses, don't take any more loans. I am sure that there are better opportunities out there for you!

[Medievalmaniac]

Medievalmaniac - Do you mean the school's director? There is a director of the umbrella school under which my program lies. Or do you mean the specialization (department) leader in the area I am interested in? I do not have a specialization declared and my adviser is in a department that is included under the massive umbrella, but is not one that I am interested in. My adviser happens to be the leader for his department. I hope that makes sense. I guess I am confused as to who I should go to first.

There is an overall director of graduate studies for the program, and that's the person to speak with at this point. If you have already spoken with your advisor, and s/he has been unable or unwilling to help you through this, then the next step is the director of graduate studies. Look in the faculty list - there will be a department head, and assistant department head, a director of graduate admissions, and a director of graduate studies. The director of graduate studies is the one you want to see, if your advisor hasn't been able to straighten things out for you. The director of graduate studies may well not be in your particular department, but since your department has apparently not been much help, it is his/her responsibility to oversee the graduate program and make sure the needs of the students are being met (within reason, of course).

[Medievalmaniac]

I really feel for you, Medievalmaniac. When I was in undergrad, most of my professors told me not to go to grad school in the humanities unless I had funding. I listened (I thought) but when I actually was admitted into a program with no funding, I was so excited to get the acceptance that I couldnt' turn it down. It ended up being a huge, costly mistake. When I got in to program A, I ran into problems very similar to what you have been dealing with. I didn't connect with many of the students or the faculty. I really tried to make it work. Three semesters and approximately $30,000 in loans later, I gave up. I couldn't justify racking up more debt in a program where the faculty didn't seem to care if I was there or not. When it started to affect my marriage, I pulled the plug. Now, I still have to eventually pay back the loans for a program I didn't finish, and while some of the hours transferred, not all of them did, so that time is wasted.

While I can appreciate robot hamster's suggestions for turning things around in a positive way, I do think you need to be practical, too. I would suggest sticking it out for the semester. Give yourself that one semester to adjust, and have a backup plan ready in case things don't change. You can leave after a semester and still have a shot at transferring those credit hours to another program. If you go beyond the 6 or 9 hours that most programs accept, you'll lose time and money. You don't have to start paying your loans back the day you leave the program. You should have at least six months to defer. Even if you wait beyond that and have to start paying back loans, that is better than racking up more debt for a program that you don't love.

Yes, graduate school is challenging and stressful, but you need support - from your fellow students, your professors, and your family. If you don't have all three, then it may not be the right program or the right time. Don't compromise just because you think you have to get your degree right now. A better opportunity may be around the corner if you wait.

I really wish that someone had told me in my first semester that it was okay to leave, that I didn't have to finish just because I started. I would have saved a lot of time and heartache.

FWIW, I ended up in another program in a different field. I loved it. I got full-funding and connected with some great people - students and faculty - that to this day have been a great asset.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

I'm the respondent, not the original poster - but you have given good advice. )

Edited September 30, 2010 by Medievalmaniac

[robot_hamster]

Okay, thanks for the comments and advice. I think I'll try contacting someone higher up and see what happens. I'm just afraid that they will tell me I haven't been looking hard enough. But, seriously, I don't think it should be my job to hunt down every single professor and ask them if they can possibly help me out with mentoring or research ideas. It would really help if I had gotten an assitantship. I have to spend all of my "free" time working at a department store just to make ends meet. If I had gotten an assistantship, I would have been surrounded by people who could help me. Or... so I would like to think anyway.

[Katzenmusik]

Do most people in this program get funded? Acceptance without funding is often considered a "tacit rejection," a lighter way of letting people down. Perhaps the department didn't actually expect that you would come, and now they feel awkward about it.

I do recommend that you sit down with the DGS, as Medievalmaniac suggested. If no solution can be found, perhaps you should cut your losses and leave the program.

[robot_hamster]

Do most people in this program get funded? Acceptance without funding is often considered a "tacit rejection," a lighter way of letting people down. Perhaps the department didn't actually expect that you would come, and now they feel awkward about it.

I do recommend that you sit down with the DGS, as Medievalmaniac suggested. If no solution can be found, perhaps you should cut your losses and leave the program.

Is that really what that means? I had no idea. Maybe I was a complete idiot for going at all then.

It is really difficult to tell how many people actually have funding. I was told by them that they really did not have funding available and that only a select few (like 4 or 5) would be receiving anything. Of course this was coming from someone who acted annoyed that I would even ask (the program coordinator and secretary). It seems like the more students I talk to, the more I am hearing that they have some sort of funding. Perhaps not complete tuition, but they have something. I know it is not common in some other programs for people to have funding. Then again, these are people who have been in the workforce for quite some time and they are getting their advanced degree in their "spare time". They aren't like me, trying to go full time and work over 25 hours a week in some crap job and barely able to make ends meet.

Edited October 3, 2010 by robot_hamster

[robot_hamster]

**********UPDATE**********

Well, I'm not really sure who to believe at this point. I was told today that the reason I did not get funding was because my application was not complete at the time of review. The piece that was missing? A faculty member agreeing to be my adviser. I went back through e-mail after e-mail, informing me of this piece and that piece and what I was still missing. Never was emphasis placed on getting an adviser. Only once was it mentioned that "if" I had found someone to let them know so they could make note of it. But they never said that if I didn't have an adviser that I would be completely excluded from consideration. In fact, once I had my adviser, the secretary told my adviser and myself that I would be considered for funding (this was a verbal conversation). So why is it now that I am unearthing all of this?! Why was it not made clear from the beginning? Ugh! I am so frustrated at this point!

So, now what? Well, I am supposed to be on the top of the list for consideration when it comes to TA positions. That really is the best I can hope for. Meetings with faculty are being set up so that I can hopefully find someone that has similar interests to my own. With any luck, someone will have a position open for me in the future. Unfortunately there are no guarantees. I feel like I shouldn't be confused anymore and yet I am. Are these just more empty promises? I am cautious about getting my hopes up. I certainly want things to work out. Does it sound like I am doing the right thing here? I went higher up just like you all said.

[robot_hamster]

Oh, I forgot to ask. What should I say to the professors if this person manages to set up meetings for me (read the post right above this one)? Should I just talk about what my research interests are? I will probably want to research the professor before hand to see how their interests might overlap mine. Hmm...

Again, does it sound like I am heading in the right direction? Or is there something else I need to be doing?

Edited October 5, 2010 by robot_hamster

[robot_hamster]

Wow, you guys sure are quiet all of the sudden.

Anyway, it is really difficult to tell where this is going right now. Does this sound like it is satisfactory progress? Or am I missing something?