I'm awkward. Help me be not so awkward.

[clashingtime]

So, I've been in touch with several professors from my top school. They've all be super kind and helpful, and they all are interested in me and my research. The prof I'm hoping would be my advisor if I were to be admitted has asked me if I'm available for a phone date after thanksgiving since I wouldn't be able to actually visit the school due to financial reasons. I'm really excited about this, and this prof seems to be as well. One problem: I'm extremely awkward and socially impaired. I've got good credentials (except for my GRE, that's good enough to just fit their min), and our research interests overlap perfectly. I'm just worried that once I open my giant awkward mouth, things will start to go downhill. It won't help that I'm suuuuper nervous about this.

Anyone have any advice, or anything to alleviate my fears about being all weird?

[katerific]

Are there certain things you tend to say that make you awkward? I don't know what exactly that entails, so it's hard to come up with specific advice, but here's what helps me (I'm a bit awkward myself): stop thinking about how awkward you are. That's always been one of my greatest follies--the more I think about it, the more it comes out! same with being nervous. You gotta just act confident. I also find that it's good to stay positive about things. Like, don't be too cynical, and don't put yourself down. It's not good to be arrogant, but it's not good to be self-deprecating, either. Remember to stay professional, and that will help, too. Hope some of this helps!

[surprisecake]

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/03/awkward-situation-survival-guide.html

[Bukharan]

You never know what that professor is like. Maybe he is also awkward? (what is awkward anyway? it is so subjective) Maybe he likes awkward?

I suggest be yourself! Do not pretend you are super-confident or anything of the kind.

Your professor is interested in your academically: he wants to hear you speak about your academic interests, what you have to say, how much you know, how passionate you are about the issue rather than how you speak. So show him you know what you are talking about. I am sure he will not care about the rest.

In case (which is highly improbable) he does care about something like 'awkwardness', you do not really want to spend 5 years of your life working with him, right?

All the best at the interview! You can do it!

[nessa]

I almost laughed out loud when I saw the topic of this post, because it is pretty much the story of my life. Phone interviews, especially, are terribly fertile breeding grounds for awkwardness. Something I've learned specifically for phone interviews is to allow extra time for the person to talk- maybe it's just me, but when I'm talking to people on the phone I can never tell if they're done talking, and I think they are done, then I say something, and they're saying something, and then we both stop talking, then we both start talking again... not good. I've learned to pace phone conversations differently than real life ones.

However, one advantage of phone interviews is that they can't see you! Feel free to write notes and have them in front of you- questions to ask, research ideas, words of encouragement, etc.

Also, don't be afraid of small talk at the beginning- things like how they got started in the field or whatever. That might put you more at ease.

And yes, the professor might be awkward too! In fact, they may be more awkward than you! That's the nice thing about going into academia.

Sorry if these are obvious to everyone else, because they are things I had to learn from trial and error Good luck!

[anthropologygeek]

Make sure to have questions for them. And just relax and let your true self come through.

[clashingtime]

Thanks for the advice everyone! When I'm meeting new people and I'm nervous, I tend to either clam up and only reply with really short answers, and I've been told that makes me seem cold and rude. Or, I sometimes take the chatter really fast and do an awkward crazy laugh every now and then. Either way....it weirds people out. Good thing I don't plan on going into cultural anthropology...right?

But once again, thanks for the advice. I'll try to not think about how weird I am around new people, just try to be myself, and I might even work on a list of things that I could ask her to get things going. Thanks for the help!

[kaykaykay]

You just have to remember that is just another human being on the other side of the line. He or she may be some years ahead you but certainly he or she started the same way as you, and most probably they remember that time.

Also you have to remember that your whole future will not depend on this conversation. This is of course can be good or bad. But there will be an admission commitee which will go through your file and they collectively decide, even if this person will be in that commitee. So relax, and talk about the things that interest you in that person's research. I am sure you contacted him or her for some reason. Listen to what advice he or she has to tell you, they might be in the "business" for a long time so they know how admissions go even if they cannot help you directly. Also in a phone conversation you have to overplay a little your emotions because they cannot see your facial expressions, and you should give a little more vocal feedback because they cannot see your nodding either. Good Luck!

[fuzzylogician]

The good thing about a phone interview is that you can not only prepare in advance, you can have your answers right in front of you on a sheet of paper / computer document. Having clear expectations about what you are likely to be asked is a good way to alleviate anxiety. In addition, I find it helps me to say in the beginning of the conversation that I am a little bit nervous, most interviewers are very understanding about that. Incidentally, most academics I know are just as socially inept as I am so interviews and meetings are sometimes all-around awkward. The good thing is, everyone is socially awkward so it's no one's fault.. I thought I'd revive some threads from last year -- here is a to three threads I think are useful. Good luck!

[natsteel]

Thanks for the advice everyone! When I'm meeting new people and I'm nervous, I tend to either clam up and only reply with really short answers, and I've been told that makes me seem cold and rude.

You are not the only one with this problem. I have the exact same problem, which has kept me from participating in a graduate seminar I'm taking as an undergrad right now. Of course, it isn't helped that it's a class on women's history (in my chronological field) and so the class is 13 women, me, and 1 other guy. On top of that, they are a cohort. When you also add that I am an undergrad and some of them are already teaching, I am an outsider³. I have also been wary of doing phone interviews or making visits to nearby campuses to which I am applying but my mentors are really trying stress the importance of putting a face to your application especially at the top schools. So, while I don't have any advice, I can sympathize and think that if we want to give ourselves the best chance of getting into these programs, we just have to suck it up and do it.

[TMP]

Awkward? What awkward? You'll be so amazed how many academics are socially inept. I graduated from a very, very social school where it's hard to be awkward, and when I went to my MA program at a huge research university, I don't think I've stopped dropping my jaws. The main thing I've discovered is that to put my peers and professors at ease is to get them talking about something they're really, really interested in at the moment. So, small talk is absolutely essential. The professor is likely going to ask you about your research interests in the first few questions. So look over your SOP and talk it aloud to whoever is around, the trees, your dog, whatever. This act of talking is rehearsal for the interview so that once you actually talk about it to the professor, you've said it all already at least once or twice. When it's time for you to ask questions, ask about the program or the professor's current projects. They are going to be much more excited about it than what they've done because these projects are something new to them.

Write it all down if you have to and read it all over again and again.

Also it's Thanksgiving time! Use the time with your family/friends to practice talking about your interests and why you want to do the PhD, etc. Everyone's going to want to know what's going on with your life, including PhD apps, so go and exploit your family/friends, your worst critics!

[DrFaustus666]

You gotta just act confident. I also find that it's good to stay positive about things. Like, don't be too cynical, and don't put yourself down. It's not good to be arrogant, but it's not good to be self-deprecating, either. Remember to stay professional, and that will help, too.

This is excellent advice.

I'd underscore the above, if you're socially awkward -- my guess is you're not really as awkward as you think you are, but even if you ARE, it doesn't matter -- then stick to the subject. Be 100% anthropologist through the entire phone call.

Also if at all possible let HIM/HER do most of the talking. That way you very subtly flatter his/her ego (you're listening carefully to him/her, which makes him/her unconsciously think YOU are even smarter than your credentials say you are) AND you yourself don't need to say a lot.

[TheDude]

I'll second the post above. Conferences were a big wake up call for me in terms of encountering the "awkward" world of academia! My undergraduate institution was, I guess, in the minority. I could grab a beer or lunch with a professor, there were always really great parties thrown by professors to get all the students involved in research or the department in the same area to mingle, things were just really tight.

I consider myself somewhat diffident, but I've never had any problems giving presentations or teaching large classes. However, one on one I always get really anxious. Conferences always felt like middle school dances. People will walk by your poster, try not to make that awkward eye contact, some will read and not always acknowledge your standing right in front of them, you can address some of them and get no response. At some points even delivering a friendly, "Hello, how are you today?" resulted in some of the most petrified gazes I'd ever seen. At this point I should say I don't have any physical deformities, and by all accounts am a pretty decent looking and approachable guy. I guess the idea of exchanging dialogue, for some of the academics I've met, is something they just need to see in a journal before they actually try and do it!

Quixotically, dealing with academics more and more has actually helped to alleviate my social anxiety.

Seriously, don't sweat it. Just do it more and more.

Also, start talking to strangers every single day. Conversations can't be planned. As much as I've "planned" how I talk about my research it changes every time I have to do it depending on many factors surrounding individuals I am speaking with. The parking attendant, the coffee girl, sales clerks at malls, the construction worker outside, these people all have great stories to tell and are people too. I feel most of us walk around in a self-absorbed comma. We put our ipods in our ears or work out the nuances of a problem we are working on in our head and we miss the social world we live in. It's actually very tragic. However, if you talk with everyone you can you learn to work with what you get from people.

I'm not socially skilled in any way shape or form. On the other hand my father shows no signs of erudition but within 2 minutes of ANYONE he talks to manages to gather an entire life story from them. Just the other day I spent 5 minutes talking to the woman working at the parking garage after I paid my ticket. I learned all sorts of great things about her life. I might not ever see her again but it gives me a different life perspective. Doing these kinds of things are still very difficult for me. If I'm out and get approached it is hard to turn off my fight or flight response. However, I've worked on trying to get better in social situations over the last couple years. I could have done much more, and somedays I don't really want to talk to anyone, but with continued efforts I am getting much better at it.

A simple smile and a question that breaks social routine (eg., you look happy...how is your day going?) will go further than you think. When you can open up your ears and listen to details of what someone is telling you all you have to do is ask questions.

I know I was winded here and got away from speaking with academics, but being socially awkward is something you have to work on in all situations. It will get better over time if you want it to and put in the work. If you don't try and battle with this now you'll just remain as awkward as a gun rack on a Volvo!

Edited November 24, 2010 by musicforfun

[swimmingbird]

Ask the professor questions! A lot of professors will get really excited about their research and talk and talk, and that way 1) it takes the pressure off you for a bit, 2) you seem interested, and 3) you can have positive interactions where you ask follow-ups questions or just say "Oh that's so cool!" Plus, almost anyone likes someone who wants to hear them talk.

Also, phone interviews are inherently a little awkward - I'm totally with nessa on the thing about misjudging when people are done talking; and some people are impossible to end phone conversations with, which is another issue - so don't blame yourself! The professor has done tons of these, remember; he knows they're awkward.

At least with phone interviews you can make faces to yourself and look up unfamilar jargon on the internet...

[qbtacoma]

One trick I used is to sit in front of a mirror during the interview. I made myself sit up straight, smile, and look engaged, and I think that came through in my voice. If you are really nervous staring at yourself might make things worse, but it turned out okay for me. Maybe do a practice run while talking with your friends on the phone or something. Best of luck!

[waddle]

How'd it go?

[clashingtime]

It's going down today, in about an hour and a half. Wish me luck!!

[Alyanumbers]

Hey, good luck! I'm sure you'll be more than fine, with all the excellent advice in this post.

It's going down today, in about an hour and a half. Wish me luck!!

[clashingtime]

It went really well! She was really nice, and the fact that her voice sounded just like one of my best friends' actually helped alleviate some of my nervousness. We chatted for about 30 minutes, and I managed to make coherent sentences!

[Bukharan]

It went really well! She was really nice, and the fact that her voice sounded just like one of my best friends' actually helped alleviate some of my nervousness. We chatted for about 30 minutes, and I managed to make coherent sentences!

Amazing! Well done you! Hopefully, it is the stepping stone into something amazing!