How am I going to survive?

[WornOutGrad]

I feel afraid to do this, because I already know that I've done a few things wrong, and I'm afraid that I am going to either look stupid or lazy.

I'm a first year MS student studying Meteorology. I'm primarily doing it because I couldn't do it as an undergrad (I got a BA in Geography and a BS in Mathematics... there are Met BS programs, but I wasn't ready to move away). Anyway, I'm wondering if I made a huge mistake in doing this. I honestly feel more unmotivated, unfocused and miserable than I ever have in my life (though I've had worse times in my life). I moved away from home, where I had a girlfriend (I still do, but we are doing the whole Long Distance thing), a church, and a solid support system to a city where I know very few people, I feel lonely almost all the time, and I have absolutely no idea what the heck I'm doing.

From everything I've read on here and on other forums, I feel like I should be breathing, eating, sleeping, and dreaming grad school. I have heard some people say that they set aside "a few hours a week" for free time, or "a 20 minute break" in their day, and I honestly don't think I could ever set aside such a short time to catch my breath. I probably devote no more than 8 hours a day to my program, and that's only during the week (not on weekends), and even just that burns me out. It doesn't seem like most of the other grads put in much more (if any) time than me, and all my professors seem happy with me as does my adviser (we've had a few ups and downs, but she has expressed great pleasure in my work and attitude... which only makes me feel like a phony).

From what it sounds like, I should be in a position where the only choices I get are eating, sleeping and pooping, but it's just not like that, and I know that I could never handle it if it got that intense. I've only been here for a few months, primarily taking undergraduate "catch-up" courses and getting my feet wet in research/programming, and I feel burnt out just doing that. Finals are this week, and I've never felt so unmotivated to study (in spite of the fact that I have A's in all of my classes), and it seems like attempting to study just leaves me frustrated at myself and the material. I hate myself because I feel so unwilling to work harder and because I feel so lazy. It seems like every day, I miss my Undergraduate college (then again, it was a beautiful campus located a mile away from the beach in a nice part of town, which I also miss), I miss my church, I miss my girlfriend (and I'm so scared that Grad school would require (unofficially of course) that I break up with her), and I miss my support system. Heck, I even miss my old job (which was a nightmare at times). I know that all of this is just a part of life and growing up, but I feel so miserable right now! It's not the subject or the coursework, or even the research that I dislike (in fact, I love all of that), it's just the thought that I should be devoting way more time and energy to it than I am, and if I don't do so, then I'll be a failure. I already feel so disenchanted with it that I've already ruled out going for a PhD or going further into academia. Then, I partially wonder if getting my Masters degree locks me into academia, or commits me to researching my current topic for the rest of my life. I really don't want to (commit to) go any further than my Masters, and I'd even be satisfied with never researching on, or working with my current topic ever again once I submit my thesis. I just want to have a piece of paper that says that I have completed a formal coursework and or research program in Meteorology so I can find a job working in the field of Meteorology. I don't even care if it's a 2nd (or in my case 3rd) Bachelor's degree, let alone a Masters degree.

I hate this because I have a passion for Meteorology, and have ever since I was a child. Weather has always been fascinating to me, and I have always wanted to be a meteorologist in some capacity. I began planning for Grad school more than two years before I finished my undergrad program, and so I feel like I knew what I was getting into, and I also feel like this was where I should be. Again, it's not the topic, material, or anything of sorts that scares me, it's just the fact that I am wondering if I don't have what it takes to survive my program. I also wonder if maybe I'm just burnt out from finishing my Undergrad program (which took seven years, where I was in school all but one summer as well), and starting Grad school immediately was a bad idea (other than the fact that I've heard that most people who take a year off don't come back, as well as the fact that I'd have to start re-paying student loans from Undergrad before that year was up). I know all of this probably makes me sound like a cry-baby, but I just wonder if I should be here at all.

[LJK]

First of all, just about everyone goes through this sort of self-doubt at some point in grad school. Parts of what you are describing fit into impostor syndrome where you are waiting for people to figure out that you don't belong in the program, that they made a mistake, which has been discussed on this site many times and is frequently felt in the first year. Being without a support network is hard especially if you have never been in the position of building one from scratch before. Is there a church of your denomination in the area? Or one that is multi-denominational on campus? That may be one of the quickest ways to gain support as isn't that what church is about to some degree - being a community? If your school has grad student events, go. Meet some people who may be going through similar situations. Only having friends at home will keep your focus constantly there. Sometimes the best way to relax is to play video games, watch movies, go out to eat or drink, whatever you like to do, with a group of people.

Next, if 8 hours a day is all that is required of you and/or all that you can reasonably do and keep your sanity, that is fine. I know many upper level grad students who average 9-5 during the week and try not to work on weekends. Its about your style and your goals. If right now you are getting caught up with courses and your professors are happy with you that is great, and what you need to be doing. People who barely have time to breathe, a) have a program that demands it of them, b ) demand it of themselves out of a desire to be the best (and get publications, academic job, etc.), c) have an advisor that demands it of them, d) take an absurdly long time to do things that others can accomplish in a fraction of the time. In my program, all the first-years work long hours because they have a demanding course-load, but part of that is most of them want weekends free. There is one particular student who lives at his desk because that is what his image of a good graduate student is. You don't have to live up to other student's standards. If you are concerned you might not be doing enough, have a conversation with your advisor and make sure you know what needs to get done and when.

As for getting a MS committing you to academia, that is not the case. Spend some time wandering job postings for meteorology jobs that you might want to apply for in a couple of years. Wander around the internet to see if you can figure out optimal qualifications (do they want to see experience with certain software? Being familiar with certain phenomena that may require a special class?). If you can't find info, email the people posting jobs, they likely won't mind helping out a student with a few minutes of their time. Work towards developing the skills you need to make the most of your degree. Going back to not holding yourself to other student's standards - if they are thinking academia and you are not, you shouldn't be working towards the same goals - for them it is publish, publish publish, for you it may be learn skills a, b, c, and d to a high level of proficiency.

[RomulusAugustulus]

I don't think your problem is that you should be spending more time on work. If you are passing your classes and your adviser is happy with your performance, then you are ok. What it sounds like to me (and I have felt this as well) is that you need something more satisfying to occupy your free time. If your free time/work breaks are simply hanging around by yourself (as many of mine have been through my first year of grad school) I think it can make going back to work all the harder, and I have certainly felt like maybe I was getting burnt out. But if you have a friend to spend time with or a (non-academic) project to work on in your free time, I think you might start to find getting through work easier. Obviously I don't know your situation, so please forgive me if this is not the case, but I have known many people in newly-long distance relationships who tend to keep to themselves and spend more time talking with their SO on the phone than trying to make new friends. If this is your case, trying to make some friends in your department might be a big help to you. If you start to enjoy yourself where you are living now, it won't be so hard being away from home, and you may very well find yourself more motivated academically. The things that can happen when we're happy!

[aginath]

Keep in mind that even though we listen to other's experiences and judge ourselves upon those standards, those experiences are just that...their own. Not every program is the same and certainly we're all different. To compare me and my experience in Educational Psychology to a student in Biology or Chemistry would be laughable at best. While I have Plant Pathology friends who eat, sleep, drink, and breathe their classes and research, I would say that I only eat and drink my classes and research (comparatively speaking). Yet, I'm in my second year, have 1 publication in press, multiple conference presentations, and I'm an executive officer in two student organizations. Even among my peers, some of those statements put me further ahead than they are. Why? Because I came off of 10 years of industry experience and have very defined goals that drive my actions. Some of them came straight from a Masters for lack of anything else to do. Or perhaps they have the same length of work experience as I do, but we have different backgrounds or habits and need/want more support.

Don't focus on others. Focus on yourself. You said you have a passion for Meteorology and that you're completing this degree, because you couldn't as an undergrad. Ask yourself what you really plan to do with the degree when you're finished. Being locked into academia is something you choose to do. The number of graduate degree holders who go to work in academia dwindles every year as the public and private sector increasingly employ Master's and Doc graduates. It doesn't hurt to job search now and see what's open and where. Let that help guide you to a decision.

I was extremely homesick when I moved to Georgia. Even though I had my husband, two dogs, and two cats, I was miserable being 900 miles away from my friends and family. I had lived in a community for almost 15 years. I could walk into one of any number of restaurants and see a friendly face either dining or working. I could take my mother to dinner for her birthday at a nice steak house and get a nice bottle of wine on the house, because I was friends with the General Manager and organized happy hours using his restaurants. I had a spiritual support group that has been (thus far) unmatched here in Athens. Starting over is hard, but look at this way..it's only two or three years and you're halfway through that first year. Before you know it, summer will be here and you're halfway or almost halfway through the program. If you decide to stay, spend some time looking for student organizations and/or visiting churches. Seek out that which you feel you are lacking. It may help.

[Tall Chai Latte]

Honestly, I feel just like you in my own situation. And I hate to tell people this because I'm afraid they'll think I can't handle grad school.. You are not alone.

[adaptations]

I only read the original post, so my apologies if these comments were already said. First, don't feel pressure to work harder/longer hours if you are already succeeding and meeting your and your advisor's expectations. This forum is full of people doing PhDs that work extremely hard, and that's fine, but that doesn't mean that is what grad school is, or should be, for everyone.

Also, earning your master's degree does not commit you to academia or a specific profession. If anything, the degree will make you more competitive on the job market, allowing you to have better non-academic opportunities. Further more, a master's degree is an opportunity to learn more, show your ability to excel, and enhance your credentials. You can apply what you learn to a diverse range of professional opportunities, even if they don't seem to match well with meteorology. For example, I earned my master's degree in international relations and then was hired on as a health care policy analyst.

As for your dissatisfaction with you current situation, it sounds to me like it would help to make a conscious effort to branch out and find a few things you really enjoy in your new city. I know this can be a challenge, but grad school presents many opportunities to meet new people, and this can be an adventure for you to find new things that you enjoy. If you really find yourself constantly miserable and don't feel you need/want the master's degree, you can always consider leaving, but it sounds to me like there is also the possibility that this is part of the growing pains of being somewhere new and having to build a new life.

Best of luck with everything!

[psycholinguist]

How long is your master's program? If it's just a year, I think the best course of action would be to stick it out, put it behind, and then get the heck out of the classroom for a while. You know you love the subject, but you're feeling a little burned-out at the moment and dread the thought of doing it all the time; I think that a year or two doing something completely different (menial, even, if necessary) would be all you'd need for that love of the subject to recover enough that you just can't wait to go back to school. (Or, if that doesn't happen, whatever: just stay away and keep going with the jobs!) Given that you're unsure about committing to a Ph.D., this would be especially good as it would allow you to step back and gauge whether in the long-run academia would be for you. A Ph.D. is a big deal, after all, and you need to really really want to go for it in order to get through it in a healthy way.

Best of luck!