Significant others and the application process

[Zouzax]

Zouvax,

Is this a Master's program? If it's only two years then this seems like a wonderful adventure to have together! It's not such a long time, though definitely the challenges you mention are real. Best of luck!

If he doesn't know the language, and if he can't find a job, I don't think it will be a smooth ride for both of you if he comes with you. If it's just 2 years, I think you guys would be better off having separate, independent lives where you each can feel fulfilled, and plan for the next move (which I think will be a PhD program and therefore will be longer, right?), if it's somewhere he can also live comfortably. I've done long distance, it's not fun, but also not impossible. If it's anything longer than 2 years, I don't think I can do it. but I've been doing it for 2 years and I think it's ok. Doable. Good luck!

Thanks guys! Yes, Im going for my second Master's.

Nhyn: We've actually done the long-distance thing before ... for two years I was in the States (finishing school) and he was in Turkey. It was really difficult, but doable (as you said). Now I'm in Turkey and we'd like to stay together, if possible. Truth is, most of the cities in Europe are a pretty short plane ride away from each other, so if worse comes to worst we can pull through, like you guys are.

Elunia: I agree! I see it as a grand adventure, but sometimes I feel like its MY grand adventure, not OURS (because its true haha - I'm the only one that has wanted to live in this city for years and years). But he seems positive about it.

The great news is that he just found out he might have to get a Master's degree for a job that he's really interested in (ok .. great news for me, not so great for him, as he's not fond of school)... so now (as of today) we've been looking into Master's programs in his field. That would make things much easier (as we won't have to stress about him getting approved for a visa/ finding a full-time job). So let's see what happens. I love this forum, thanks to this posting I had the idea to discuss these issues with him & we came to a (so far) happy conclusion. I hope the same happens with all of you!!!!

[The Lorax]

Thanks for sharing your experiences! And good luck to all of those who have a more difficult situation than my own.

For myself, my spouse has already uprooted and trekked with me across the country for my MA program, and he is looking forward to the adventure of coming with me again for a PhD program...but every once in a while he lets something slip that indicates he's tired of moving around, is anxious to settle down, and doesn't want to leave his friends behind. All understandable stuff. But i feel like I can't succeed without him by my side, happy, and working toward his own goals with as much vigor as I am. Where I go to grad school is ultimately my choice....but like many posters I feel guilty and fear silent resentment...

[Zouzax]

Thanks for sharing your experiences! And good luck to all of those who have a more difficult situation than my own.

For myself, my spouse has already uprooted and trekked with me across the country for my MA program, and he is looking forward to the adventure of coming with me again for a PhD program...but every once in a while he lets something slip that indicates he's tired of moving around, is anxious to settle down, and doesn't want to leave his friends behind. All understandable stuff. But i feel like I can't succeed without him by my side, happy, and working toward his own goals with as much vigor as I am. Where I go to grad school is ultimately my choice....but like many posters I feel guilty and fear silent resentment...

you put it into words beautifully! couldnt have said it better myself.

[everygirl]

My SO-at-the-time was applying to programs two years ago, and I don't think I was very supportive and understanding at the time. I was young and immature, to be sure, but I regret not being more understanding.

We've since broken up, but have remained very good friends. Now that I am going through the application ordeal, he's probably the most supportive and understanding person I know because he's been through it all. It's a bit embarrassing because I can see how much I was lacking that department.

[fredngeorge]

I don't know if anyone is still posting on this thread, but I'm hoping someone will be able to relate/make me feel better.

After graduating with my B.A., I got married a month later. I put off applying to an M.A. program for one year because my husband hadn't quite graduated (he had one quarter left). My B.A. is in English, and his B.S. is in Biology. Our goal was to both hopefully attend graduate programs -- ultimately get our Ph.D.s. We both applied for multiple M.A./M.S. and Ph.D. programs for Fall 2008. I was rejected from four Ph.D. programs, but I was accepted to two M.A. programs (WA State U and U. Nev. Reno) with offers of full funding with teaching assistantships as well as being accepted to the small program at the Cal State where I got my B.A. (no funding, as the program was too small). My husband was rejected from each program to which he applied except for the M.S. program that was started at our Cal State that same year. I felt that it would be unfair/selfish to accept either of the amazing offers that I had received (even though WSU had been my second choice of all 8 programs to which I had applied) in light of the fact that we could both get graduate degrees if we stayed put. It was one of the hardest decisions that I'd ever had to make partly because the small program offered none of the pluses of the other programs (faculty with my research interests, any amount of prestige, etc.) and was basically an uncompetitive program designed to help high school teachers get a pay raise. I felt that getting my M.A. at my Cal State would significantly weaken my chances of being accepted into a Ph.D. program in the future. But how could I ask my husband to give up on grad school (for at least a year, possibly altogether) by moving to WA?

As we completed our Master's degrees, I retook the GREs (general and lit.), significantly raising my scores, and crafted a much, much better writing sample and SOP. We both applied to Ph.D. programs again for Fall 2010. I applied to eleven programs. My husband (despite my urging to apply to a range of programs to increase our chances of being accepted into programs in the same region) refused to apply to anything but programs that fit his very narrow and specialized area of interest. He applied to two programs -- UCR (which was his top choice and to which I applied even though their program wasn't a particularly good fit for me) and UC Berkeley (which was one of my top choices -- unfortunately he decided halfway through the application process that he couldn't stand the adviser and probably wouldn't want to attend even if accepted). I was devastated when I was rejected from all eleven programs. My husband was accepted into his top/only choice, so now we've moved so that he can attend. My plan would have been to keep applying until I was accepted somewhere, but I've (so far) been unable to confront the possibility of relocating for several years and living apart from my husband to do so. This year I applied (stupidly, I'm beginning to think) to only one program -- the only program for which I would not have to relocate. I've heard nothing, but acceptances and waitlist notices have already gone out. My frustration/bitterness has only been compounded by the fact that I have been unable to find permanent work -- of any kind -- in the six months since we've moved.

I've struggled with this whole situation a lot. The frustrations of grad school are huge enough without adding in a significant other -- and adding a significant other who also has dreams of grad school may make the whole thing impossible. I'm hoping to work this all out, but in the meantime it's been helpful for me to find this site and see that there are a lot of other people struggling with the same things -- it's not exactly that misery loves company, but the company does help. So, thanks for keeping me company... I hope that everyone is able to resolve their grad school and relationship woes. Unfortunately, from my own experience, I know that it can be just as hard to be the one in the position of dragging a significant other around or to be the one being dragged. Best of luck to everyone!

[yatto]

My fiancé won't be able to follow me on a J-2 visa because America doesn't recognize same-sex marriages.

Just great.

[The Dudester]

My fiancé won't be able to follow me on a J-2 visa because America doesn't recognize same-sex marriages.

Just great.

Ah, a gay immigrant. I can feel the Tea Party getting angry at your arrival as we speak.

But hey, once you get here you can get divorced as much as you like. That's how we protect marriage.

[Zouzax]

I don't know if anyone is still posting on this thread, but I'm hoping someone will be able to relate/make me feel better.

After graduating with my B.A., I got married a month later. I put off applying to an M.A. program for one year because my husband hadn't quite graduated (he had one quarter left). My B.A. is in English, and his B.S. is in Biology. Our goal was to both hopefully attend graduate programs -- ultimately get our Ph.D.s. We both applied for multiple M.A./M.S. and Ph.D. programs for Fall 2008. I was rejected from four Ph.D. programs, but I was accepted to two M.A. programs (WA State U and U. Nev. Reno) with offers of full funding with teaching assistantships as well as being accepted to the small program at the Cal State where I got my B.A. (no funding, as the program was too small). My husband was rejected from each program to which he applied except for the M.S. program that was started at our Cal State that same year. I felt that it would be unfair/selfish to accept either of the amazing offers that I had received (even though WSU had been my second choice of all 8 programs to which I had applied) in light of the fact that we could both get graduate degrees if we stayed put. It was one of the hardest decisions that I'd ever had to make partly because the small program offered none of the pluses of the other programs (faculty with my research interests, any amount of prestige, etc.) and was basically an uncompetitive program designed to help high school teachers get a pay raise. I felt that getting my M.A. at my Cal State would significantly weaken my chances of being accepted into a Ph.D. program in the future. But how could I ask my husband to give up on grad school (for at least a year, possibly altogether) by moving to WA?

As we completed our Master's degrees, I retook the GREs (general and lit.), significantly raising my scores, and crafted a much, much better writing sample and SOP. We both applied to Ph.D. programs again for Fall 2010. I applied to eleven programs. My husband (despite my urging to apply to a range of programs to increase our chances of being accepted into programs in the same region) refused to apply to anything but programs that fit his very narrow and specialized area of interest. He applied to two programs -- UCR (which was his top choice and to which I applied even though their program wasn't a particularly good fit for me) and UC Berkeley (which was one of my top choices -- unfortunately he decided halfway through the application process that he couldn't stand the adviser and probably wouldn't want to attend even if accepted). I was devastated when I was rejected from all eleven programs. My husband was accepted into his top/only choice, so now we've moved so that he can attend. My plan would have been to keep applying until I was accepted somewhere, but I've (so far) been unable to confront the possibility of relocating for several years and living apart from my husband to do so. This year I applied (stupidly, I'm beginning to think) to only one program -- the only program for which I would not have to relocate. I've heard nothing, but acceptances and waitlist notices have already gone out. My frustration/bitterness has only been compounded by the fact that I have been unable to find permanent work -- of any kind -- in the six months since we've moved.

I've struggled with this whole situation a lot. The frustrations of grad school are huge enough without adding in a significant other -- and adding a significant other who also has dreams of grad school may make the whole thing impossible. I'm hoping to work this all out, but in the meantime it's been helpful for me to find this site and see that there are a lot of other people struggling with the same things -- it's not exactly that misery loves company, but the company does help. So, thanks for keeping me company... I hope that everyone is able to resolve their grad school and relationship woes. Unfortunately, from my own experience, I know that it can be just as hard to be the one in the position of dragging a significant other around or to be the one being dragged. Best of luck to everyone!

sorry to hear about everything do you ever get angry about making that decision to stay at Cal State? Like a "what if" kind of thing?

years ago, I was accepted to a really good postbacc pre-med program. I did really well the first semester, but then I met a boy that I was convinced I would marry. The next year and a half of our relationship ended up being very tumultuous. It took up a lot of my time & energy. I ended up leaving the program, and at the time I thought it just wasn't for me but now I'm not so sure. I now wonder if I wouldve done well if I hadn't been so wrapped up in keeping my relationship together. I do have some regrets about that. And to top it off, many years before THAT I had been offered a chance to study in Paris and I turned it down to stay with yet ANOTHER boyfriend.

So this is why I'm determined to go ahead with my plans. I think i've finally learned from my mistakes and I can say "enough is enough". Of course, you're married so it's a whole different ballgame. I hope everything works out in the end for you!!

[theatrehippie]

Ah, a gay immigrant. I can feel the Tea Party getting angry at your arrival as we speak.

But hey, once you get here you can get divorced as much as you like. That's how we protect marriage.

This is a tangent, but ironically enough, perhaps not: Lesbian Couple Told They Cannot Divorce in Texas

[Mrs. Grad]

I'm a grad applicant's significant other and the process has been really taxing on both of us. However, in many ways, two minds have been better than one. We both work full time (he works overtime about 4 days a week), so the application/follow up process was tricky.

He followed me to my undergraduate institution of choice, so it's my turn to follow him for awhile. However, it helps that he's moving us close to family, friends, and a number of universities. Should I choose to pursue a Master's degree in the future, I will have a number of options. Since his field is more competitive (and his skill set is more focused) I chose to put off my education until he gained admittance to his PhD program.

This process is difficult on couples and requires a decent amount of patience and willingness to sacrifice if need be.

[runonsentence]

Hey all. Glad to find a supportive community on this topic. Sorry to hear some of you have had a tough time, though glad to see others are working through it. (Nothing teaches you the true meaning of "compromise" than stuff like your future and career, eh?)

My SO and I met each other a little over a year ago, when I moved to my current institution (Cincy) to pursue a master's degree. My boyfriend is halfway through an MD/PhD, which will probably take him about 8 years, total.

I like the department I'm in now, and they have accepted (and recruited) me for the PhD. But back when I was doing applications, we decided that since we'd been together for barely a year at that point, the most sensible thing to do would be to apply where it was best for my career, and then weigh options once decisions came in. This way no one would feel pressure in case our relationship changed.

Fast forward a few months, and we're still going strong, but now I'm stuck in the position of deciding whether or not he's a reason to stay here for the PhD instead of moving 7 hours north to pursue a tantalizing offer at a more established program. I LOVE my mentor/advisor down here—she's challenging, supportive, concerned about me as a person, and known in the field, to boot—but this program is much smaller in my subfield and only in its first year as an official track. It's not an option for my SO to move, since he's only halfway through his program, and long distance seems really tough/impossible for 4-5 years.

Wish there was a magic bullet for this decisions. It's a lot of pressure on both of us to assess our level of commitment, as I try to make my decision. We've been together only 14 months, but I can't really imagine moving on somewhere else without him.

Edited March 16, 2011 by runonsentence

[ikatticus]

Keepin' it real by keepin' it single!!!

Amen to that!

[fredngeorge]

sorry to hear about everything do you ever get angry about making that decision to stay at Cal State? Like a "what if" kind of thing?

years ago, I was accepted to a really good postbacc pre-med program. I did really well the first semester, but then I met a boy that I was convinced I would marry. The next year and a half of our relationship ended up being very tumultuous. It took up a lot of my time & energy. I ended up leaving the program, and at the time I thought it just wasn't for me but now I'm not so sure. I now wonder if I wouldve done well if I hadn't been so wrapped up in keeping my relationship together. I do have some regrets about that. And to top it off, many years before THAT I had been offered a chance to study in Paris and I turned it down to stay with yet ANOTHER boyfriend.

So this is why I'm determined to go ahead with my plans. I think i've finally learned from my mistakes and I can say "enough is enough". Of course, you're married so it's a whole different ballgame. I hope everything works out in the end for you!!

Thanks I definitely get angry about the decision that I made. I'd like to say that I'm only angry at myself, but basically the only human being I have to direct my anger at is my husband -- so that's where it goes lately. I think that if things had turned out differently (if I'd gotten into ANY program) it wouldn't feel the same -- the regret only stems from what I perceive as a completely lost opportunity. As it is, I feel like I gave up my dream for his dream. Ultimately anger or depression or wondering "What if?," though, is essentially pointless -- a completely circular exercise. So while those emotions are something I often indulge in, I am constantly trying not to. My goal now is to try to move forward in whatever way I can. I think I'm beginning to come to terms with the fact that I have to at least think about widening my application pool next time. Living long-distance from my husband would be next to impossible. BUT living this way -- with him pursuing something he enjoys and cares about while I do nothing but bemoan my poor life and lost dreams -- isn't doing wonders for our relationship either. We did the long-distance thing before (we've been together since high school and I went away to school for a year after graduation -- That's a whole other story, but I gave up a huge scholarship at a better undergrad institution in order to move back so we could stay together then too), and we survived that, so I at least know we are capable at that much. And if we could do it as teenagers, it should be that much easier now that we're adults, right?

Anyway, I can totally empathize with you on this situation. It's utterly depressing to look back and realize you may have sacrificed a part of yourself for someone who may or may not have done the same for you. While you've still got regrets, your attitude towards the future is something I definitely envy. Best of luck to you!! Congrats on deciding to move forward -- hopefully eventually your regrets will all be in the past, too!

[michpc]

confession: I've totally been avoiding the subject of "so, uh, are you going to move with me or not?" If I'm being completely honest, I think the move would benefit him as well...he has a good job, but it pays really poorly, and I think he can do better. Plus, his family all lives in the same area they all grew up in, mom has never lived outside a 1M radius of where she is now, etc. I think it would be a good experience for him to really live somewhere else that's not an hour and a half away from home (I don't count college, since we all moved back for summers, winter break, etc.). blah!

[nhyn]

How come every time it was you who had to give up something? o_O I don't really understand why he didn't compromise his goals while you did yours... I'm sure you had reasons for your decision, but if you are always the one who compromises, eventually - or right now, like you said - you will be the one less fulfilled. I myself decided to not apply far away to stay close to my significant other, but I don't feel like I give up too much since I still end up with a good Phd program to attend. If I had ended up with nothing, there'd be no question that I'd apply again, all over the place, as my sig.other is open to the possibility of moving to where I'd go to school. I think we need a balance - both work and family. When you have to give up too much one thing for another, you'll likely suffer - or at least I will.

[btro]

My fiancee is getting dragged along with this whole mess and I'm sure she is getting tired of hearing me talk about it. She just wants to know where she is going to live and work for the next 2 years. Every time I think about how stressful this is for me, I try to remember that she must feel like she has absolutely no control over her destiny.

Word for word, same here.

[Zouzax]

I think Nyhn was correct in saying it's all about finding a balance ... like, this time I'm moving where you want to go, but after that I get to choose, etc.

It's so important to recognize each other's goals so that there's no resentment in the future (something I had to learn the hard way). For example, I've had many talks with my SO about our moving to another country so I can pursue my studies. He keeps insisting that he's open to go wherever, but I want to make sure that once I choose a city, he'll then develop his own goals there (whether its go to school, find a job, study for an entrance exam, etc). I think it's really important for him to have a reason to be there. I said, "I don't want you to resent me in 2 years because I brought you to a city you hate" and he admitted I was right. Right now I'm thinking, if he can't find anything a LDR might be in the cards ....

[fredngeorge]

How come every time it was you who had to give up something? o_O I don't really understand why he didn't compromise his goals while you did yours... I'm sure you had reasons for your decision, but if you are always the one who compromises, eventually - or right now, like you said - you will be the one less fulfilled. I myself decided to not apply far away to stay close to my significant other, but I don't feel like I give up too much since I still end up with a good Phd program to attend. If I had ended up with nothing, there'd be no question that I'd apply again, all over the place, as my sig.other is open to the possibility of moving to where I'd go to school. I think we need a balance - both work and family. When you have to give up too much one thing for another, you'll likely suffer - or at least I will.

To be honest, it's naïve I guess, but that's not how it felt at the time -- although that's certainly how it feels in retrospect. It sort of always worked out (up to a point) that I had more to give up in order for us to remain on (somewhat) equal footing. As undergrads, I transferred instead of him because I was going to school in Santa Barbara and could afford to, whereas his transfer would have been impossible financially. With the M.A./M.S. degrees, I gave up the *great* offer for the sort-of-okay offer because he didn't have any other offer. My staying meant a degree for both of us. By the time it got to the point where I had given up and compromised so much that I was unlikely to get the kind of offers I would have otherwise, he was the only one with an offer.

I think when we're young (unless we have a super influential experience or person in our lives telling us otherwise) we often imagine that love is the most important thing. It's only time and experience that help us to realize that it takes more than that to be a happy human being. Most of my decision about sacrificing by goals for my boyfriend-then-husband's goals were made by the time I was 21 years old. Now, of course, I realize I need the balance or I'll always feel unfulfilled, but in the meantime, I suffer.... unfortunately.

I haven't broached the subject with my husband yet, but I'm becoming more and more comfortable, personally, with the possibility of relocating (temporarily) in order to accomplish my goals. I feel fairly certain that I have good odds of being accepted into the right program, and if I'd been ready to move on this year, I might have been. I'm just hoping my husband understands that my decision isn't ultimately a choice between him and school -- it's just a choice for myself, pure and simple.

[nhyn]

To be honest, it's naïve I guess, but that's not how it felt at the time -- although that's certainly how it feels in retrospect. It sort of always worked out (up to a point) that I had more to give up in order for us to remain on (somewhat) equal footing. As undergrads, I transferred instead of him because I was going to school in Santa Barbara and could afford to, whereas his transfer would have been impossible financially. With the M.A./M.S. degrees, I gave up the *great* offer for the sort-of-okay offer because he didn't have any other offer. My staying meant a degree for both of us. By the time it got to the point where I had given up and compromised so much that I was unlikely to get the kind of offers I would have otherwise, he was the only one with an offer.

I think when we're young (unless we have a super influential experience or person in our lives telling us otherwise) we often imagine that love is the most important thing. It's only time and experience that help us to realize that it takes more than that to be a happy human being. Most of my decision about sacrificing by goals for my boyfriend-then-husband's goals were made by the time I was 21 years old. Now, of course, I realize I need the balance or I'll always feel unfulfilled, but in the meantime, I suffer.... unfortunately.

I haven't broached the subject with my husband yet, but I'm becoming more and more comfortable, personally, with the possibility of relocating (temporarily) in order to accomplish my goals. I feel fairly certain that I have good odds of being accepted into the right program, and if I'd been ready to move on this year, I might have been. I'm just hoping my husband understands that my decision isn't ultimately a choice between him and school -- it's just a choice for myself, pure and simple.

I see - the timing was never right I guess. I've heard of people taking turns to go to school, don't know if that's (or would have been) an option for the 2 of you. It's funny because when I was younger, it would have been very, very hard for me to imagine myself forfeiting any opportunity for a significant other Now that I'm older, having lived in 2 foreign countries for an extended period of time, and having been away from my family for so long (I'm an international student, I can only go home once every 2 years or so), I realize I need a balance, esp. since after college it's hard to build an accessible, strong network of support. When I was debating whether to only apply to the area where my sig.other works, a lot of people also told me, oh you're still young you should value your career, but I chose to compromise just a bit for the sake of living close to my sig. other. So I completely sympathize with your past decisions, but I have also been lucky enough to have achieved a lot of goals before I met him and didn't have to compromise much at all (esp. maybe spending money to fly to visit each other during the last year of college). If I had to give up my undergrad education that I tried so hard for, I don't think I'd be happy. I think I'm ok with my decision also because I view grad school as a chance to do what I like, and also a starting point of a career - that is, I approach it knowing full well it's a hard path (tight market, low pay, etc.), and that if it falls through I can always do something else. As in, it's not an absolute must that I go to grad school, so I don't need to go to The Best Program Ever. As long as I like the program and it's a good one, I'm happy. But it seems to me you really, really like your field (otherwise you wouldn't apply so many times and put up with a mediocre masters program), and would really benefit from going to a great program. Maybe it's good now that you've come to accept that you need to move on - maybe if you got in this year, you wouldn't be completely fulfilled either, because there was still that element of "I'm compromising, I could have done better" at the back of your mind. I hope you get accepted somewhere great next year, and fully embrace that opportunity, and move to wherever you go to school with enthusiasm and an understanding that even if it won't be as much fun as staying with your husband, you are living up to your full potential as a scholar, and that can only add to the satisfaction of living together with you husband later

[green8715]

When I was applying, interviewing etc. I was mentally preparing for the stress an impending move would put on my 4 year relationship. I assumed my boyfriend had been doing the same thing, but we recently broke up (seriously, like 3 days ago) because he didn't think he could deal with another 4-5 years of a long distance relationship (currently we are an hour a part). One of the programs I am considering would still keep me within 2 hours of him, but another would take me across the country. I've been telling myself I have to do what's best for me, and I still will pick the program that will be the best "fit", but it's way harder realizing I will have to sacrifice my relationship.

But life will move on for the better. I would never think twice of giving up going to one of these PhD programs for my relationship - we may have been together for 4 years but everything I put in my application was a work in progress since I entered undergrad.

Best of luck to everyone who has an SO and has been going through this mentally/emotionally exhausting experience!

[MJ0911]

When I was applying, interviewing etc. I was mentally preparing for the stress an impending move would put on my 4 year relationship. I assumed my boyfriend had been doing the same thing, but we recently broke up (seriously, like 3 days ago) because he didn't think he could deal with another 4-5 years of a long distance relationship (currently we are an hour a part). One of the programs I am considering would still keep me within 2 hours of him, but another would take me across the country. I've been telling myself I have to do what's best for me, and I still will pick the program that will be the best "fit", but it's way harder realizing I will have to sacrifice my relationship.

But life will move on for the better. I would never think twice of giving up going to one of these PhD programs for my relationship - we may have been together for 4 years but everything I put in my application was a work in progress since I entered undergrad.

Best of luck to everyone who has an SO and has been going through this mentally/emotionally exhausting experience!

Really sorry to hear this - this is my biggest fear. My US visa runs out in September, and I have applied to and been accepted on to great UK-based PhD programs, so I'm definitely going. My SO is American - we have been together 4 years, the first 2 were trans-atlantic while I was in grad school in the UK, and he was at law school. He is applying to jobs in the UK and is keen to move, but the visa situation complicates things, plus it's looking like he'd have to take a pay cut of $100,000 per annum to move over. He seems more ok with the prospect of long-distance until he manages to move over than I am, but I worry that while I have been thinking about it and coming to terms with is, the reality will be a shock to him if it comes to that! Now on top of things it looks like I might be leaving for the UK 6 months earlier (as in April) and again he's calm and confident, I'm freaking out.

[FutureSLP]

confession: I've totally been avoiding the subject of "so, uh, are you going to move with me or not?" If I'm being completely honest, I think the move would benefit him as well...he has a good job, but it pays really poorly, and I think he can do better. Plus, his family all lives in the same area they all grew up in, mom has never lived outside a 1M radius of where she is now, etc. I think it would be a good experience for him to really live somewhere else that's not an hour and a half away from home (I don't count college, since we all moved back for summers, winter break, etc.). blah!

My SO has never lived away from his family either. While I originally thought the same as you--that some distance and a new city would be healthy for him--I have learned that isn't always the case for everyone. Nothing will make him budge from this town and his family, and it is something I have come to terms with. I know that dating him means that I will forever live in this area with his family. Sometimes I have trouble with that since I've always been a wanderer. Now I will be going to school 2 hours away, and he will not be moving with me. Even though it's only 2 hours (and still in the same state!), my SO won't budge. And a good part of him is bitter that I did not choose to go to a school here instead.

I hope in your case your SO is a little more open to it! But sometimes it's just a losing battle. Some people love new places, others freak out over the slightest change.

[tkovach05]

Obviously I knew there were a ton of other people in the same boat (nature of the beast), but it's good to see that you are all discussing this and going through the same things.

My girlfriend & I have been together for 6 years and living together for 1 1/2. She is willing to move with me to New York or DC, but she will also have to find a job wherever we go. She decided to take a year off to get some work experience before applying to grad school, so it is important that where I go provides her with a strong variety of options. Fortunately I am only considering schools in DC & New York, so that will address much of the concern.

But we are kind of running around in a circle now, because we can't seem to sync up what we want. I want to go to school at American, but i'd rather live in New York. But I got funding from The New School, not American. She would rather live in DC for her career, but isn't sure I should take on the extra debt to go there. It's all getting quite complicated. I trust that whatever happens, it will be for the best. But we just need to get all of our ducks in a row before we can make a decision.

[nhyn]

My SO has never lived away from his family either. While I originally thought the same as you--that some distance and a new city would be healthy for him--I have learned that isn't always the case for everyone. Nothing will make him budge from this town and his family, and it is something I have come to terms with. I know that dating him means that I will forever live in this area with his family. Sometimes I have trouble with that since I've always been a wanderer. Now I will be going to school 2 hours away, and he will not be moving with me. Even though it's only 2 hours (and still in the same state!), my SO won't budge. And a good part of him is bitter that I did not choose to go to a school here instead.

I hope in your case your SO is a little more open to it! But sometimes it's just a losing battle. Some people love new places, others freak out over the slightest change.

I don't know how much at odds you guys are about moving-staying, but I feel like if I dated someone who had a different set of beliefs (I believe in exploring as much as possible, going to see the world etc. etc.) it wouldn't work, esp. since I'm a wanderer too. Or rather, since I grew up in one country, studied in another country, and lived and studied (about/on) yet another country, I see myself as independent of my location, and I was lucky that my SO is also very much "international" in his thinking, and loves the idea of residing elsewhere other than his hometown/country. His mom however has never sets foot outside of the country and never really wants to. She's just very anxious about changes. Say if I were to date someone like her, we would have to suffer from LDR ALL the time, and that would never work.

I also agree that both sides have to accept the other. If you have come to terms with his beliefs, he should be able to accept yours, too!

[anxiouslyawaiting]

It's been interesting trying to deal with myself and my SO both applying for PhD programs. He is (seemingly) unwilling to compromise, as he believes that the only way he can succeed in life is to go to the best program (for him) that he gets into. While I am more willing to compromise, I do not want to establish a pattern in which I constantly cave or compromise what I want.

However this seem to be a non-issue at this point, as he has gotten into 4 programs and I have gotten into none. Which will cause additional problems in an of itself. He does a fair job in making sure that I'm not overly distraught, and has (probably without much thought) invited me to follow him if I don't get in anywhere (waiting to hear back from one school, fingers crossed). I do have some reservations (moving all the way across the country is scary enough when you do it for yourself, let alone following someone) but will take that step if and when I must.