Feeling overwhelmed

[GrandeChaiLatte]

I'm writing because I'm getting confused and overwhelmed. I'm losing motivation, which is so critical at this point in my grad school career...

My boss moved the lab from US to Germany two years ago. At that time, I was a 4th year student. I had quite a bit of data and I was too invested in my project already to let it go, so I stayed behind for a year and decided to follow later. My plan was to finish up in less than a year. This timeline is extremely critical, for two reasons. First, I was aiming not to go beyond 5-6 years in graduate school. Second of all, by following my boss, I entered into a long distance relationship.

I finally moved last August. It's been 8 months, I'm officially in my 6th year, and all this time, I've been working my butt off to finish my project. I am in the process of writing a first-author paper on the first part of my project. There is a second part of the project that my boss also wants me to finish. However, it seems like it might take between 6 months to a year to finish everything. I've invested so much in this project, but at this point, I don't really care anymore. I want to ask my boss if I can do less and pass the project on to a new student, at the risk of being delegated as a middle author, but I don't know how to approach it. I don't know how to say, "This is all I'm gonna do. I'm ready to leave". I feel like my work here is never going to be done.

And so here I am, in a strange country, working overtime while trying to adjust to a new culture. I had not been so good with the latter. I've hardly made any friends here, and after 8 long months, I hardly understand the language. I wanted to go out and explore my new surroundings, but it hasn't been happening much. I have to work on weekends just to keep productivity up, and I've been going back to the US several times for meetings with my thesis (I am still registered in the US school). It's great because I get to see my boyfriend, who lives in the same city, but it can also interrupt long-running experiments. I am incredibly homesick (I'm really from Asia, but US is second home to me). Just when I'm so close to finishing, just when I need moral support the most, everything is gone - the great friends I've made in the US, my regular hobby (latin dance classes, which I can't take here because I haven't had time and I can't understand German). I have video chats with my boyfriend (he also visited me recently) and family back home, but it's different. To top it all off, I'm getting extra pressure from them. My parents are impatient for me to graduate, and keep asking why I'm taking so long, it's supposed to be only for 5 years, blah blah blah. My boyfriend has been so generous and patient, but there are moments when he wonders why it's taking me so long. And everytime I tell him that it might take just a little bit longer, I'm so afraid that everything we have will unravel. Our plan is for me to go back to the same city, find a postdoc position (the city has a lot of options), and be together again. But that dream just seems so out of reach right now.

I'm starting to regret that I moved. The project is good, the lab members are great, the boss is a great mentor and scientist, although pushy at times. But right now, I feel like I'm throwing everything that's good in my life away, for the sake of getting a PhD. There is no hope.

[emmm]

So sorry to hear what a tough time you're having. It sounds like you've had to adjust to a lot that you never bargained for. Reading your post, it SOUNDS to me as if you are almost done, but I know how long a relatively short period of time can sound (18 months in my case). I don't know what to tell you to do, but it does seem that you have too much invested to back out now. Is there any way you could continue to work on your mentor's project in your home school?

[beanbagchairs]

I think you should definitely talk to your advisor/mentor about it. Let it all out. Tell him/her all of your concerns, worries, conditions, etc. He/she may just think that you are doing well, thus, giving you extra work. I think communicating well is the key here. Good luck finishing.

[MoJingly]

I think you should definitely talk to your advisor/mentor about it. Let it all out. Tell him/her all of your concerns, worries, conditions, etc. He/she may just think that you are doing well, thus, giving you extra work. I think communicating well is the key here. Good luck finishing.

this is true. Sometimes you can come off much differently than you feel. Communication is always good. You've come far. Keep plugging!

[trooper09]

I am sorry to hear that. I am studying at RWTH/Bonn (I am from the US) for my graduate degree and I am having a hard time as well in Germany but for different reasons... If you live in the Bonn area, I can tell you through PM's about social activities (with people who speak English/German) taking place during the week if you would like. I even have easy going asian friends as well (Chinese mostly)

Edited April 5, 2011 by trooper09

[xrsng]

I'm writing because I'm getting confused and overwhelmed. I'm losing motivation, which is so critical at this point in my grad school career...

I'm starting to regret that I moved. The project is good, the lab members are great, the boss is a great mentor and scientist, although pushy at times. But right now, I feel like I'm throwing everything that's good in my life away, for the sake of getting a PhD. There is no hope.

Hey GrandeChaiLatte,

"Ad astra per aspera" A rough road leads to the stars.

You'll finish the work pileup really soon (you'll see) and everyone (your Family, your Boyfriend and your Boss) will be thoroughly impressed and pleased with what you will have accomplished. Keep up with the hard work!!!

[hbgrad]

So sorry to hear what a tough time you're having. It sounds like you've had to adjust to a lot that you never bargained for. Reading your post, it SOUNDS to me as if you are almost done, but I know how long a relatively short period of time can sound (18 months in my case). I don't know what to tell you to do, but it does seem that you have too much invested to back out now. Is there any way you could continue to work on your mentor's project in your home school?

I totally agree. Your adviser is your mentor, you said it yourself. And guess what? He is also a human being! He will understand and start taking this into consideration. Screw being first anther on the second part! You have a life waiting for you

Congratulations on what you have achieved, in your moments of despair you act as a role model for many of us.

I sincerely wish you the best.