My friend is applying to the exact same program and professors as me.

[noodles.galaznik]

I was talking with a friend a few weeks ago, and we got on the topic of grad school. She told me that she's applying to my top choice university to work with Professor X, and she's "absolutely certain" she's going to get into the PhD program there. Then I let it slip that I might be applying there as well.

Ever since then, there's been some pretty intense awkwardness. She keeps telling me about the field school she's gone to, and how she's going to be an organizer for a small departmental event this upcoming fall, and that the position is "much more important and impressive" than the one I had when I did it last year. She even had the audacity to ask me what I was going to do next year when I don't get in, because I "really haven't done that much to prepare for grad school".

I'm aware of what she's doing, and it really pisses me off. Since then, I haven't said anything else about applying. I'm still going to (assuming the profs I want to work with are taking students on), but I'm keeping that information to myself. Even though I've shared very little about what I'm doing, she keeps probing me for information about my application and still finds ways to be condescending and rude about the whole thing.

Has anyone else had a problem with someone who is overly competitive? How did you work around them? I'm trying not to let her get to me, but she's really stressing me out and starting to make me doubt myself.

Siiiiiigh.

[ktel]

Your friend seems like she's an intensely jealous and competitive person. My suggestion to you would to just not talk about grad school applications at all.

Remind yourself why you're applying to grad school. Obviously you thought you were qualified, and you probably are. Also remind yourself that you have the nicer personality. If your friend is being this nasty to you, who is to say that her tone is not going to show through in a Statement of Purpose or an interview?

At one point at my grad banquet I found myself becoming kind of snarky to someone who was bragging to me about applying to grad school (he was applying quite late, I had received acceptances by that point). I just had to remind myself that it was not a competition and to not take his bragging the wrong way. He was just excited, and it did not make my accomplishments any less important.

[Kitkat]

It might be that she is just very insecure about the whole thing and is trying to make herself feel a bit more secure and in control by making you look bad in comparison. I think the ktel is right to just not talk to her about it anymore, considering that no matter the reason for the way that she is acting, it is not helping you out at all. You give the impression that you have done some things that are similar to her, that are applicable to what you are looking for at graduate school. At the same time you still have the opportunity to make your application look the best that it can. I would say talk to professors about your chances at getting into grad school, and what you can do to best present yourself. It would be better to listen to them then someone else who is applying. She doesn't know any better then you do if either of you will be getting in.

[fuzzylogician]

As far as I can tell, there are only two ways to deal with competitive people - join them or ignore them. People who are vocal about their accomplishments are often so because deep down they are insecure. So you can choose to feed their insecurity by telling them how great you are (while ignoring their attempts to tell you that you're not), or you can refuse to discuss accomplishments or make comparisons altogether. Someone who is trying to put you down in order to feel better about themselves can't be all that good a friend anyway, so my choice is always to walk away from these conversations.

There are always going to be competitive people out there. If it bothers you this much, it may be something to consider when choosing schools to apply to. Some places are by nature more competitive than others. Like someone told me when I was choosing between offers, many departments self-select: like-minded people end up in the same places; looking at current grads is a great indication of how you'll fare in a department in the future. Make sure the schools you apply to aren't the natural habitat of people like your friend, or you may end up suffering throughout your graduate career. It's an issue that is not discussed often enough, in my opinion, but it's an important factor to consider when choosing schools: you don't work with professors in a vacuum, there a whole student body to consider. That said, some level of competitiveness is not necessarily bad -- for example, if it makes you think ahead or be more productive or make choices that will improve your chances of getting a job. It only becomes offensive when a person puts other people down instead of trying to improve themselves in order to compete.

[ZeeMore21]

I'd say your friend is pretty insecure....and I also question this friendship...friends are suppose to build each other up, not break each other down. She's seems like a very toxic person, so I would sit down and analyze this friendship and really think about whether you need this type of person in your life. As far as grad applications are concerned, the only people who will determine whether or not you are qualified to be in a graduate program are the members of the admissions committee. Your friend has absolutely no say in your admissions process. I would focus on doing the best you can do to perfect your application and let your friend do whatever she has to do for her application. Her application should be none of your concern...you are on your own path.

Edited July 24, 2011 by ZeeMore21

[noodles.galaznik]

Thanks so much everyone! It bummed me out for awhile that she was being so nasty, but her rudeness and extreme competition has gotten me in gear--I've decided that instead of moping about her being such a bee-yatch and letting the things she said stew around in my head, I'm going to use the frustration she's given me and turn it into some hardcore motivation to improve my application even more. All the while, I'll ignore any conversation about grad school.

I guess what upset me was just how her snark and meanness seemed to come out of nowhere- we've been friends for several years now, taken a good number of classes together, but I hadn't seen this side of her. It was just kind of a surprise, and a hurtful one at that.

[qbtacoma]

Well, what are friendships for except to call people out when they don't act the way they are supposed to? As hard as it was to hear, I've grown a lot those times when my friends have told me to stop doing some rude thing. I often wasn't aware the extent to which I was doing it. Maybe it will be awkward at first, but she might eventually appreciate it if you said, "Look, I know that applying to grad school is stressful, but your behavior is unnecessarily competitive and rude. I never expected a friend like you would try to cut me down to make herself feel better - would you like it if I did that to you? What's going on here?"

However, it may be she's not mature enough to listen to the critique (after an initial period of anger, of course - even mature people have trouble with this!). You know her best, and you may not want to deal with it. Good luck, though.

[kaykaykay]

I was in the same situation as you. Of course you do not have to follow what I did. But I asked myself the question - what would happen if I didn't get in and my friend would get in to my dream school? Would I be happy for (and proud of) my friend, would this friendship last? I figured it would so we had some stress relief fun periodically we supported each other and we both got in.

If your answer is negative just let the friendship go, and avoid this person in the application season and maybe beyond. If it is positive then talk to her or look at the bigger picture (how stressed your friend as well as you) when she is being super competitive and do not let it stress you out because an application is not defining your friendship. Just remember - most of the factors that will decide between the two of you (if it comes down to that but it has a very low, low chance honestly) are out of both of your hands and you are competing with many other people.Your respective conference roles will most probably not be the deciding factor etc..

[Agradatudent]

Doesn't sound like a friend to me? But seriously.

[singlecell]

What I am wondering about is how your friend will act if you both get into the program and become colleagues there! Wonder if she will act like nothing happened with her behavior and return to normal, or more likely will keep trying to cut you down?

Anyway, sorry this is happening and it sounds like you are dealing with it in a mature manner... you will be well prepared for this type of issue in the future.