Take the mind off waiting

[gadhelyn]

Anyone know any good jokes as a distraction?

I'll start:

What'd the biologist mother do when she had twins?

She baptized one and kept the other as a control.

[ohheygradschool]

I figured "you know you're a grad student when..." would make a good google search. Here's the first link:

http://www.chat.carleton.ca/~jnoakes/grad.html

[frankdux]

a great pickup line:

are your parents retarded? ...because you are so special.

[evenstar]

What do you do to a dead chemistry professor?

Barium.

*courtesy of Craig Ferguson*

[mlle]

I figured "you know you're a grad student when..." would make a good google search. Here's the first link:

http://www.chat.carleton.ca/~jnoakes/grad.html

that list was actually really funny, I thought (I literally did begin worrying about getting scurvy from living off of pasta and ramen during my first yr of grad school when I didn't have any funding :!: )

I came across this one:

Q: What do you get when you cross a postmodernist with a mafia boss?

A: An offer you can't understand.

[Tonights]

A postmodern anthropologist and his informant are talking. Finally, the informant says "Okay, enough about you, now let's talk about me."

...

*crickets *

Sorry. :oops:

[Tonights]

Okay, laughing my butt off at the chem professor one. Oh, Craig Ferguson, you are awesome.

[sconnors]

Oxygen and helium are hanging out at their bar, having a few drinks. Gold walks in the door. Hydrogen is not a huge fan of gold, and he's a bit drunk, so from across the room he yells "AU! GET OUT OF MY BAR!"

Sin(x), Cos(x), and e^(x) are having a party. Sin(x) and cos(x) are having a great time, mingling and chatting with all their guests, but they notice e^(x) sulking in a corner. They go over to him and try to make him feel better. "Maybe you'll have more fun with people if you try to integrate yourself!" But e^(x) just shakes his head and sighs. "No, what would be the point? I'll still be the same."

nerdy math/science jokes. I'm so sorry.

[gadhelyn]

Oxygen and helium are hanging out at their bar, having a few drinks. Gold walks in the door. Hydrogen is not a huge fan of gold, and he's a bit drunk, so from across the room he yells "AU! GET OUT OF MY BAR!"

Sin(x), Cos(x), and e^(x) are having a party. Sin(x) and cos(x) are having a great time, mingling and chatting with all their guests, but they notice e^(x) sulking in a corner. They go over to him and try to make him feel better. "Maybe you'll have more fun with people if you try to integrate yourself!" But e^(x) just shakes his head and sighs. "No, what would be the point? I'll still be the same."

nerdy math/science jokes. I'm so sorry.

Heh, I've heard different versions of those before:

An underaged Pb walks into a bar. The bartender calls out to the Gold bouncer, "Au! Get the Lead out!"

A mathematics grad student went insane one day and begun to believe he was a differentiation operator. He would run around all day yelling at people, "I DIFFERENTIATE YOU!" So they had the poor student locked up in a mental hospital. The student spent his time yelling the same phrase at the other patients.

One day he saw a new patient reading quietly in the corner, so he walked up and yelled "I DIFFERENTIATE YOU!"

The new patient did not react at all to being yelled at, so the student tried again, "I DIFFERENTIATE YOU!"

Once more, no reaction, so the student tried once more, "I DIFFERENTIATE YOU!"

At this point the new patient put down his book and looked up calmly and replied, "Differentiate me all you like, I'm e to the x."

A quantum physicist walked into a bar, maybe.

Two polypeptides are at a party. One walks up to the other and says, "Hey baby, nice acid!"

And lastly:

How many grad students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, but they have to be tiny grad students or one big light bulb.

[gadhelyn]

There was a student who studied all night for his zoology final. He gets to the room and the professor hands them paper for answer sheets then walks to the front of the room and places statuettes of bird feet on the front of the desk. He announces that the final exam is to identify the species of bird based upon their feet. The test begins and everyone sits there in thought for most of the exam, occasionally writing down an answer. The student takes the longest time and runs up to the front of the room to turn his test in after the deadline. The professor says he cannot accept it since the deadline has passed. Enraged, the student throws the stack of exams onto the floor, mixing his in with the rest, then heads towards the door to leave. Flabbergasted, the professor demands to know who this student is. The student stops, lifts up a pant leg, and replies "You tell me, professor, you tell me!"

What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?

A one molar solution.

If a mole of moles were digging a mole of holes, what do you see?

A mole of molasses!