relationships?

[sunshine6]

My sig other seems to feel unsure to which ends of the earth he's willing to follow me to. I applied to the places I want to go, and of course knowing the importance of education, will go with or without....

Anyone else dealing with this sort of situation?

[Sonic]

My significant other is incredibly supportive, but his job is completely inflexible and he can only live in one city. Last year when I applied to Masters programs, I applied to 5 in his city of residence and 1 outside of it, and ended up at the one outside. This time around, there was only one PhD program in the same city and 2 other good fit programs nearby -- I applied to 10 in all, very aware that if I attended one of those we'd be long-distance again.

The only advice I can really stand by is to try to be as honest as possible about your expectations. For us, we were fine with living apart for awhile, but we wanted visits to be as easy and frequent as possible. I limited my applications to schools that had ample transportation to and from his location. This year we see each other an average of once every 3-4 weeks, which is fine with us. He spent Thanksgiving helping me simultaneously cook a turkey and finish a grant application. I spend my other breaks there. We're lucky in that since both of us love our work, we don't think the other person's constraints are crazy. It really is a team effort.

For me, the hardest part has been explaining to people (significant other, friends, family) that the life of an academic is far from stable. I think that a lot of people envision professors as having tons of say in where they end up from the moment they get their PhD, with flexible schedules, breaks and big chunks of time off. I love my field and am very willing to go the whole nine yards for my research and my career. Still, I have anxiety that after 5-7 years of my significant other being so patient and understanding, I still might not end up anywhere near him.

[rising_star]

I broke up with my significant other to move across the country for my PhD. I could've stayed where I did my MA but I wouldn't have been happy academically.

[Nofia]

My SO of 6 years, while incredibly supportive, is simply not yet ready to move or change his job (he would be leaving a nice big city where all of his friends and family are to come down South, where he knows no one, probably wouldnt find acceptable employment, and would be unhappy), and I'm okay with it, especially since I wouldnt have much time to spend with him even if he did move down here. I wish there had been good programs for me to apply to closer to him, but there weren't, and he understands that. The long distance thing thankfully works just fine for us; we talk on the phone and email regularly, and are always delighted to see each other when we can. I'm not sure he totally believes me that I probably wont be able to find a job up in his area when I'm done in 4-5 years, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Relationships take work; I'm hoping that we can successfully overcome the inherent challenges in our situation. I love him and hope that things will work out for us, but frankly if we can't overcome a little distance, we probably wouldnt be able to overcome other challenges later.

[UnlikelyGrad]

My SO & I have been married for 18 years and have four kids, so breaking up is not an option...

His job is flexible, and he claims he is willing to follow me to the ends of the earth. However, when I expressed interest in the program at Columbia, he said he would NOT live in NYC. Period. He also discouraged me from Yale and pretty much everywhere on the East Coast. Maybe I should have applied somewhere like the Weizmann Institute; then he'd find NYC tame and bearable.

[classicallynot]

I've been extremely lucky and my SO (currently engaged, set to marry this june) of 5+ years is completely willing to follow me to the ends of the earth to pursue my PhD. The timing is working out in our favor somewhat, we are both graduating at the same time. She is an english ed. major and our hopes are that she will be able to find a teaching job in the area around whatever school I end up at. While it is less than ideal that our entire lives are sort of sitting on the results from these applications, we both feel that we would sacrifice anything else before not being with each other.

EDIT: I forgot to mention we both have lived our entire lives in sunny, warm, south Florida. To her great dismay, a few of the possible destinations are: Ann Arbor, Buffalo, and Philadelphia.

[Tonights]

I'm very lucky in that my SO has a flexible job AND his tastes in destinations are very similar to my own, so he's happy and willing to pack up.

[psychology]

My SO and I are playing the dangerous, dangerous game of BOTH trying to get into PhD programs (in different fields) in the same cities/schools. Very scary. Luckily, I'm getting some bites from schools we're excited about, but in his field (Musicology) it would be downright bizarre to hear anything before the end of February. The suspense....

[rae]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years. He's known I would be applying to grad schools since the day we met... but I was still an undergrad back then so it wasn't "real"! He has a nice, cushy, high paying job that he is unwilling to leave (plus a fairly unadventurous spirit) and I am unwilling to do a long distance relationship despite the fact that I have applied to schools at every corner of the country (and a few in the middle). We haven't really talked about it besides "I'm not moving... unless it's San Diego" (where I didn't even apply), but it's unfortunately obvious that we'll probably have to break up.

It's weird because we live together knowing that I will probably be gone in six months... such an odd situation.

[sunshine6]

I feel your pain rae, your situation is very similar to mine...Mine has no cushy job to blame for it.

I think that once acceptances come in, we will have some very serious conversations.

[katanianQ]

I realize that long distance relationships aren't for everyone, but if both people are committed, you can certainly make it work. My husband and I had one for 2 years while I was finishing my undergrad in the states (he is from the UK).

Its also a good lesson in how not to take people for granted.

[Ferrero]

Give them the option that they can either move with you to continue the relationship or stay where they are. If they choose the latter option, one can see that they care about their job or material good more than they do you. This tells you that he/she is not the proverbial "one".

[readyforachange]

My SO won't even talk about what will happen until we know where I get accepted (hopefully somewhere!!) and where I decide to go. We've been together for four years, lived two years apart (two hours away which wasn't too bad) and now are finally in the same city, living together and...we can't talk about it. All I want to do is talk about it!! lol

I'm not sure if he doesn't want to face the possibility of breaking up (or perhaps staying together). I understand that it is fruitless to discuss and make plans when we don't even know where I'll be - but hey, it's also pointless for me to check the results page and each of my program's Web sites for updates on admissions, but I'm still doing it

He's concerned about leaving family and being able to find a job in the new area, both of which are extremely valid concerns. I just don't know what our decision-making progress is going to be like once letters start arriving :/

[sunshine6]

I hear you readyforachange. There really is no point to pester my SO until I have some idea where I may be dragging him to. But it makes this interim period extremely uncomfortable. The pessimist in me says, well these could be your last few months, the optimist says, well enjoy them then. But the five year old is yelling, "why is this decision so hard for you? Of course you will come with me!"

I think I need another hobby.

[psi*psi]

I've been with my guy for six years and lived with him for four. I told him I was going to grad school two years ago, and he knows exactly where I've applied and exactly where I've been accepted. No word yet on whether he'll move...I might have to threaten a bitter kitty custody battle.

[tedjj]

I'm applying to phd programs now and my SO(of four years) will be applying to med schools a year after. This means we will be in in LDR for at least one year. What makes me rly nervous is how hard it is to get into med school and I'm afraid she may not get in anywhere close (she's applying to mstp programs). It's like applying to grad school twice - first I hv to worry abt me getting in and then her:P

[katanianQ]

I'm applying to phd programs now and my SO(of four years) will be applying to med schools a year after. This means we will be in in LDR for at least one year. What makes me rly nervous is how hard it is to get into med school and I'm afraid she may not get in anywhere close (she's applying to mstp programs). It's like applying to grad school twice - first I hv to worry abt me getting in and then her:P

my husband (then boyfriend) and I did loooong distance- NY to Ireland- for almost 2 years and lived to tell the tale. people will tell you youre crazy, but if you guys want it to work, it certainly can.

[socialpsych]

I'm applying to phd programs now and my SO(of four years) will be applying to med schools a year after. This means we will be in in LDR for at least one year. What makes me rly nervous is how hard it is to get into med school and I'm afraid she may not get in anywhere close (she's applying to mstp programs). It's like applying to grad school twice - first I hv to worry abt me getting in and then her:P

Yeah, another LDR survivor here. We did it for one year, East Coast - West Coast. I would not want to do it again, but if you know it will be over (or at least better) soon, that should help.

[tedjj]

Haha but the bad thing is if it will be 6 yrs:\ (length of phd/med school). I am crossing my fingers then for some good admits;p

[missashley]

we barely even discuss grad school in my house... super touchy - he doesn't think ldr would work, and that would be the end of it (2 years). when i got my first interview request he said "that's great. congratulations." This is not making the waiting part any easier, but I don't think it's worth stressing out about until I know for sure that I am in, that I have funding, and that I am ready to move away. I have enough pre-stressing as it is, no?

[enantiomorph]

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[guenevere01]

One of my undergraduate mentors has a husband who lives in Europe (she's in the US) - they've lived apart for years, but she spends Christmases and summers there, I think. Another one's husband taught at a small college in town after she got a job at a our Tier I research university, even though they'd both gotten PhDs at Hoity-Toity U. It's not easy being an academic and having a relationship with a career-oriented SO. It seems like either one partner will take a "career hit" for a little while, or you'll have to live apart for a while. In today's world, though, it's not so bad - we have cell phones, email, online chat, even video chatting, and while that's not nearly the same as living together, it's certainly better than what previous generations would have had to do to maintain a LDR. As a veteran long-distancer, and soon to be one again, I can say it does suck a lot, but if you're really committed you can do it. You have to be committed, though, which seems obvious, but really, just being "in love" isn't always enough. Maybe that's just me.

[nocturne]

@ enantiomorph: If you guys are lucky, he'll be in Baltimore and you'll be in D.C.; it's only a 40-minute drive! (I grew up in B-more, and spent quite a bit of time in D.C. on school field trips and going to see rock shows)...

[Rutabaga]

For those of you who have partners moving with you, are they just going to try to find a job once they get there? The whole job situation is really stressing me out. It's rough to ask someone to move with you and give up everything they already have going for them!

[sunshine6]

Once we decide where we are going, I plan to subscribe to their paper to check want ads, also looking on craigslist, so that he may find something before we even arrive.