relationships?

[inactive_since_inf]

Does LDR even work?

[bold_brew]

My boyfriend of X-many years and I BOTH applied for Ph.D. programs that would start in the fall (different fields, though). It's a difficult equation to maximize our chances of remaining together while feeling like neither one of us is compromising in the education we'd receive.

So this is what we did: we spent about a month doing personal research as to what programs are best in our respective (sub)fields, then we compared notes. Fortunately we had about five schools in common, and we called attention to some schools the other wouldn't have considered looking into otherwise (ie, I 'inspired' him to look into UVirginia). I ended up applying to seven, him eight. Some of our schools happen to be close enough to each other so that we'd still be able to live together, even if we don't get into the same program.

Of course we're still hearing back, and we haven't been accepted to any of the same programs (yet!)... but we did get accepted to two schools that are close enough to each other that our relationship is no longer threatened!

(BTW, we were long distance for the first year of UG... but it's a completely different commitment to do that for all of grad school... I know a current grad student in Chicago, though, whose fiance goes to school in Wisconsin...)

[inactive_since_inf]

... and we haven't been accepted to any of the same programs (yet!)... but we did get accepted to two schools that are close enough to each other that our relationship is no longer threatened! ...

Thats smart, but you will still need some luck All the best!

[Nofia]

Does LDR even work?

depends on the couple/your personality/the strength of your commitment. My boyfriend and I are doing fine, but we've been together for 7 years, and we're best friends. Our relationship was very solid before I moved. We obviously miss seeing each other, but we're both of the mind that the degree will benefit us, as a couple, in the long run. He is unflaggingly supportive--he probably believes in me more than I believe in myself sometimes. We're also both super laid-back about relationship things, and are both very busy, which helps. We talk on the phone a few times a day, email constantly, and see each other when we can, and so far so good. I can see a LDR not working out if one or both members of the couple are insecure in some way about the relationship or found that the distance impeded their sense of connection to the other person.

[anythingtwice]

Does LDR even work?

I've been in two. The first didn't work because he was a cheating bastard. The second, I'm going to say it worked even though we aren't together anymore, because we didn't break up due to the distance factor. We did pretty well visiting and the like and he actually moved to my city eventually. It was quite a while later that we broke up, in some very unfortunate circumstances that I won't get into. However, it was pretty easy for us to see each other as we were only a few hours away and I think that helped.

All that said, it really does depend on the circumstances and your relationship and personalities. Some people can handle it, others can't. Regardless it's still really important to have support from the people you are around and to have a life outside of just keeping in touch with your SO. I found that keeping up my usual activities instead of sitting around on the internet/phone talking to or waiting for my boyfriend was important because otherwise I'd just mope about how much I missed him.

[bold_brew]

Thanks for the good luck, Tiger. I honestly don't think we could go back to LD, esp. for all the years of a Ph.D. program.

Having a significant other definitely complicates the already-complicated process/decision of grad school. Good luck to everyone!

[was1984]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 3.5 years now, and she most likely will not be relocating, at least not immediately. I'm applying for M.S. programs right now, so it doesn't make much sense for her to uproot her entire life for 1.5 - 2 years, when I will probably go somewhere else for my Ph.D.

That said, we have it easier than most, because she telecommutes and can come visit for a week or two pretty much any time she wants. She can't relocate completely because technically she has to maintain an address in the vicinity of her office.

I'm not really that concerned about the LDR. We did it before for a few months, and I found it actually strengthened our relationship. Besides that, this way when I'm working 50-60 hours a week, it wont be as much of a sore spot.

The only wrench in the works is I see marriage in our future, and I'm just not quite sure how to factor that into my educational plans. I suppose we could always get married and live apart, but that sounds awful!

[thepoorstockinger]

I'll offer something I haven't seen come up:

My partner and I applied to a number of the same schools and share a top choice program (history - she's a Latin Americanist, I want to do North American urban/working class) and the program is very, very interested in both of us for some reason. We've actually managed to leverage their interest in both of us into more funding since we sort of come as a package and had good offers elsewhere. If a program want both people in a relationship then you're twice as valuable to them and have twice as many faculty pushing for you when it comes time to divide up the money. One of my current (labour history) professors described us as a "collective bargaining unit." I guess my point is that depending on your situation being in a long term relationship can improve your grad school prospects.

[hornedfrogmeg]

My fiance and I got engaged nearly a year ago. He will be in undergrad still until dec. 2010 (I think his 6th year?) so if I get into grad school it will be a while before we get married. I actually put off the wedding (that was originally planned for the summer) because I was applying for grad schools and thought at that time I would get into a program. Well now it doesn't look good to get into any of my schools and I'm like well s**t what do I do now haha.

[GirlattheHelm]

I broke up with the last rotten sake of crap I was with... I don't know how all you do it, really.

:|

[lyonessrampant]

My now husband and I applied in 2007 to places where there were law school options for him and English Ph.D. options for me. I was accepted with a very generous stipend to Notre Dame, but he didn't get in there. The only place we matched up was Chicago, where he got into a law school and I got an MA offer after being rejected from the Ph.D. I got a scholarship and we decided to move. My man, however, is in the National Guard. We got engaged in mid-February (no, not Valentine's Day. . . the day after and were planning a May 2009 wedding date. Well, about two weeks after we got engaged, he learned he was being deployed to Afghanistan. That, obviously, complicates matters. I graduated with my MA in June 2008 and we moved back home to Montana so that I wouldn't be in a big city. . .dude, I love hiking, rock climbing, mountaineering, and rafting and Illinois is FLAT! Well, I decided to limit my apps this year to UC, Northwestern, UIUC, Princeton, and UMichigan, and things haven't been so awesome for me. I've been rejected from Northwestern, UC, Princeton, and UMichigan. My husband's deployment hasn't been terrible, but he's super stressed and overwhelmed. I feel like since he left for training one month after we got married late July 2008 and since he's been deployed (a terribly stressful situation) that I need to be with him at least next year. He has 2 years of law school left. My odds for UIUC are good. My subject score is 20 percentage points higher, my verbal score 10 percentage points higher, and my MA and UGPA higher as well. . . of course, given the crazy competitiveness of this year, that's no guarantee of course. However, I've been thinking (and people I love and trust have been advising) that even if I get an offer from UIUC, I should turn it down and apply next year since we'll have a year together and only have to do a year apart. One part of me definitely agrees because we've been through some really hard times and he is the most important thing in my life. However, part of me also recognizes that if I'd taken the Notre Dame offer, I'd be about 1/2 way through my Ph.D. by now at a good school. If I turn down another offer, what if no more come my way? It doesn't seem like next year is going to be any less competitive. . . Anyway, I'd love some advice/thoughts from people. I've always said I'd just go to law school. I score very highly on LSAT-type tests, have extensive debate experience, and would be very good at it, but now that I'm faced with that decision, I just don't want to go. I can be a very competitive, vindictive person in uber-competitive situations, and I don't like the person I am in those settings. So, should I go to law school to make my future with my husband viable? Should I apply to Ph.D. programs one more time and then give up? Should I apply to both Ph.D. programs and law schools next year? Does it make sense to give up another Ph.D. offer, especially from a top-20 school (assuming I get one)? AHHHH!!! I'm just confused, upset, stressed, and lonely. Any thoughts from anyone? Thanks in advance!

[GenderMediaGrad]

I'm in the same boat. My SO and I had hoped to return to the city where I got my undergrad degree and where her whole family and most of our firends live. However, since I was not accepted, that is no longer an option (for me). Throughout the application process, she has been saying "I would move to city X, maybe Y, but definitely not Z." It almost became our joke. However, now the only acceptance I have received is from City Z. It's actually a great school with a great program, but neither of us are thrilled about its location. She is now unsure about whether she will move with me, even though we've been together for 4 1/2 years (living together for 3 of them) and have never been apart more than 2 weeks. I don't think long distance is an option for me. If it were for 1 year, I could do it-- but not for the 5-7 it will take for me to earn my Ph.D. She is coming with me to Accepted Student Weekend at the end of March and we've already made an appointment with a realtor to look at houses (my attempt to make her want to move with me)... but she is staying very non-committal at this point. I moved across the country with her 2 years ago so she could pursue her MSW, and it was sort of understood that she would follow me when it was time for me to pursue my Ph.D. And if I were accepted in the two cities we both agreed upon and discussed, she would without question. In fact, if it were ANY city other than this city, she would probably agree to it after a few weeks of discussion. However, I'm honestly not sure what she will decide and it's making me feel as though my stomach is being turned upside down.. once by the schools that have rejected my application and then once by the possibility of not living together (which would probably lead to a break-up). I'm just REALLY hoping that she decides to move with me... but she might not.

[was1984]

I broke up with the last rotten sake of crap I was with... I don't know how all you do it, really.

:|

Be more selective

[GirlattheHelm]

Be more selective

Actually, I think I'm too selective...

[lyonessrampant]

I don't know about that. I think it is just hard to find the right one (or ones. . .I'm not naive enough to believe there is *only* one). However, my boy (now husband) and I priortize each other over everything else. I think that comes rarely. I am the most competitive person I know. . . I did speech and debate in high schoool and college and I've broken my knuck more than once punching shit after losing a round However, my SO balances me; he makes me see that there are things more important in my life than just becoming the best scholar I could be (or whatver). That might not be everyone's goal, but I decided to go the English route to avoid the law route (a field where I excel and can score in the top 1% of LSAT takers) because I pretty much become an evil bitch in that environment. I'm not saying to give up your career, but I am saying that some times a little sacrifice and negotiation can make things work out for the best, even if you have to wait a little longer for your dream school or job. I guess, in my opinion, it is worth the compromise as long as both parties (I'm not talking heteronormative relationships here) are willing to put things in perspective.

[jasper.milvain]

However, my SO balances me; he makes me see that there are things more important in my life than just becoming the best scholar I could be (or whatver).

Amen, Lyoness. This sounds a lot like my husband. I'm forever grateful that he's not an academic, because he can pull me out of my obsessive thought patterns and remind me that there is life outside of academia. I've been much calmer since we started living together. Which is to say that I'm still a bit of a hyper-competitive stress case, but I don't spend weekends in my pjs eating frozen cookie dough any more.

We met during my undergrad, and then did a year of long distance before he moved to where I was for my MA. Like other people have said, the distance was really good for us. It made us that much more certain that the other person was the one for us, and taught us to appreciate each other more. I will say, though, that long distance is probably easier on people who have low-maitenance relationships. We visited every two months or so, and talked on the phone maybe once every three or four days. It was amazing when we saw each other, but we didn't stress out about day to day stuff. We trusted the other person and had a plan to end the distance. I have friends who have been in LDRs where they talk to each other constantly, to the point where they refuse social invitations because they conflict with a daily phone date. I can see that being a real problem when working on a PhD, since you can get so much out of following through on random social/professional activities, and wouldn't want to be constantly distracted from work.

I applied to four schools--one in our current city, one in our shared hometown where all our family lives, and two in a province on the other side of the country. I luckily got in everywhere, and chose our hometown. To be honest, taking my husband into consideration made me not take the far flung schools as seriously as I may have otherwise done, but I'm very lucky to have a good program in a city where he has friends and support.

My biggest relationship-related annoyance during this whole thing has been people asking in hushed, scared tones "And what will your husband do if you move?!?" As if I was asking something crazy of him to support me in my life's work. "He'll move where we have to." "Really?" It was like he deserved a medal for being willing to move for his wife's career. My PhD is damned important to BOTH of us, people! By the billionth time I got asked, I started fantasizing about saying "Well, y'know, I've only been working towards this every day for six years now, so it hasn't really come up in conversation...." or "My husband doesn't believe that women should be in grad school. We're going to divorce." :roll:

[flit]

Wow...if nothing else, this thread has reminded me how very lucky I am.... my husband not only is willing to move to wherever is necessary for my academic career... since I lost my drivers' license last November, he's been chauffeuring me all over the place without complaint.

we live in one place, and I teach in another 40 minutes from home and am doing my MA - and then my PhD as well - in yet another city that is 2.5 hours from either of those locations. He spends a LOT of time sitting around ...both while I'm in class, and also at the motel while I'm reading/doing homework.

He works during the spring/summer... so wont be as available ...but since I am taking the summer (mostly) off, we should be able to make it work.

I am very lucky.

[DarlinClementine]

However, part of me also recognizes that if I'd taken the Notre Dame offer, I'd be about 1/2 way through my Ph.D. by now at a good school. If I turn down another offer, what if no more come my way? It doesn't seem like next year is going to be any less competitive. . . Anyway, I'd love some advice/thoughts from people.

Have you explained this to the school? You might be suprised how supportive they are. I know people have defered thier first year due to pregnancy or death in the family. I know the returning to the homefront thing can be a little difficult (I've been through it), If it were me, i'd definately want to stay with my spouse, and if you explain this to the administrators it's possible they will at least be sympathetic.

And as far as getting in to grad school next round? I would assume that if you got in once you could get in again. You may have to explain why you chose not to attend school the previous year, but as long as you adress it I wouldn't think it would be too much of a problem. It's probably dependent on the department.

I've got nothin' for the law school thing, sorry. That's your decision.

At any rate, good Luck!

[lyonessrampant]

Thanks for the thoughts, DarlinClementine. I hadn't thought about asking for a potential deferral due to my personal circumstances. I'll think more about that. All the best!

[whateverneveram3n]

Wow...if nothing else, this thread has reminded me how very lucky I am.... my husband not only is willing to move to wherever is necessary for my academic career... since I lost my drivers' license last November, he's been chauffeuring me all over the place without complaint.

we live in one place, and I teach in another 40 minutes from home and am doing my MA - and then my PhD as well - in yet another city that is 2.5 hours from either of those locations. He spends a LOT of time sitting around ...both while I'm in class, and also at the motel while I'm reading/doing homework.

He works during the spring/summer... so wont be as available ...but since I am taking the summer (mostly) off, we should be able to make it work.

I am very lucky.

:shock: yeah, you are, girl. hold on to that awesome man.

As for my SO story, it was pretty much taken care of for me last summer. I had a bf that explicitly stated he would follow me across the globe, wherever grad school took me. (This is my second year applying.) So that was kinda cool. Then I got rejected from everywhere, so it didn't matter for last year, and a few months later, the relationship ended anyway. The deal sorta was, I moved out here (to the midwest, where he was) after I was done undergrad (on the east coast, my home), so we could be together, and then he was going to move with me to wherever the next place was. But now I'm just a northeasterner expat in her own country, stuck for now in a strange land, hoping for my golden ticket outta this place.

In all honesty, though, it's kind of nice being able to make decisions about where I'm moving next without having to ask anybody else what they think. I really have not liked living in the midwest, and want the next place I move to be a place I'm totally happy about. (Need...waterfront...and...hiking...and...maybe skiing...) Gotta chase down the happy before I add a man in the mix.

[Colin]

My now-wife, then girlfriend, went to grad school a few years ago, only an hour or two away. We saw each other about once a week. It was fine, we were both very busy.

Last year she accepted a teaching position 900 miles away to begin Fall '08. We decided to get married (eloped) last summer, June. Two days AFTER the subsequent big party / reception the family threw for us, we were on a plane to her new place, August. I came back to work and to finish my second undergrad here, finished in Dec '08.

Jobs are not easily had where she lives/works, otherwise I would have moved there in January.

I was visiting once a month, but credit card bills are getting up there...

For grad, I applied to only two schools, the one I really wanted and the school where she teaches. I heard back from the want and I got in. It's in Cali, we're on the east coast. Cali school wanting an answer in two weeks.

Now I wait to hear from her school.

I look at my calendar and realize I have to prepare mentally and physically for a move in the next four months.

quandary is an understatement

[TulipOHare]

I love my boyfriend. I was just looking at the results search and grousing that someone else got accepted to Maryland a week ago. And he said "[Tulip]... is it wrong, or is it bad, if I want your grad schools to get back to you now just so you don't have to spend every night worrying about it?" I don't care if he actually meant "Will your grad schools hurry up and get back to you so I don't have to put up with your bitching anymore?" I love him anyway. :mrgreen:

Oh, uh, our situation, right. We agreed to take turns going to grad school, with me going first, because (1) I'm sure about what I want to study and he's not, (2) his current job pays a lot more than my current job, and (3) once I graduate I will have tons of flexibility in where I can get a job (and can make enough to support us both). My tuition and fees (and my rent if I move away) are up to me); other living expenses are up to him.

Parallel thread over in Decisions, Decisions: viewtopic.php?f=67&t=15353

[bethanygm]

My husband has decided I am his priority, and he is getting out of the Navy to make sure his actions can reflect that (damn Navy.. if you don't understand, the Navy insists on always being the sailors #1 priority. 12 hour work-days, low pay and no compensation for over-time - fun travel to war zones. He was totally alright with the situation, and was planning to stay in for 20 years, but I am unhappy and our marriage suffers because of his job). He said he'd be willing to go wherever I need to go for school next, but if I manage to get into any schools in the two states we would BOTH like to go, then we will most likely go there. I want us both to be happy. Our marriage is also my priority. We are a team, and we strive to act like it when we make important decisions.

As for the situation, he has supported me through four years of school. When we get out, I will either secure funding for grad school, a job, or both. He will be finishing his degree using his Post 9/11 G.I. Bill, which pays him BAH w/dependents (a sufficient rent allowance- according to zip code- that may also pay some bills) each month. So I will be making up the difference. It is his turn to take it easy and get to stay home. He's been working so hard for so many years, and it would be cool if I could give him a break and we could have more quality time before we have kids. (We won't have much money, however. )

[bethanygm]

My now husband and I applied in 2007 to places where there were law school options for him and English Ph.D. options for me. I was accepted with a very generous stipend to Notre Dame, but he didn't get in there. The only place we matched up was Chicago, where he got into a law school and I got an MA offer after being rejected from the Ph.D. I got a scholarship and we decided to move. My man, however, is in the National Guard. We got engaged in mid-February (no, not Valentine's Day. . . the day after and were planning a May 2009 wedding date. Well, about two weeks after we got engaged, he learned he was being deployed to Afghanistan. That, obviously, complicates matters. I graduated with my MA in June 2008 and we moved back home to Montana so that I wouldn't be in a big city. . .dude, I love hiking, rock climbing, mountaineering, and rafting and Illinois is FLAT! Well, I decided to limit my apps this year to UC, Northwestern, UIUC, Princeton, and UMichigan, and things haven't been so awesome for me. I've been rejected from Northwestern, UC, Princeton, and UMichigan. My husband's deployment hasn't been terrible, but he's super stressed and overwhelmed. I feel like since he left for training one month after we got married late July 2008 and since he's been deployed (a terribly stressful situation) that I need to be with him at least next year. He has 2 years of law school left. My odds for UIUC are good. My subject score is 20 percentage points higher, my verbal score 10 percentage points higher, and my MA and UGPA higher as well. . . of course, given the crazy competitiveness of this year, that's no guarantee of course. However, I've been thinking (and people I love and trust have been advising) that even if I get an offer from UIUC, I should turn it down and apply next year since we'll have a year together and only have to do a year apart. One part of me definitely agrees because we've been through some really hard times and he is the most important thing in my life. However, part of me also recognizes that if I'd taken the Notre Dame offer, I'd be about 1/2 way through my Ph.D. by now at a good school. If I turn down another offer, what if no more come my way? It doesn't seem like next year is going to be any less competitive. . . Anyway, I'd love some advice/thoughts from people. I've always said I'd just go to law school. I score very highly on LSAT-type tests, have extensive debate experience, and would be very good at it, but now that I'm faced with that decision, I just don't want to go. I can be a very competitive, vindictive person in uber-competitive situations, and I don't like the person I am in those settings. So, should I go to law school to make my future with my husband viable? Should I apply to Ph.D. programs one more time and then give up? Should I apply to both Ph.D. programs and law schools next year? Does it make sense to give up another Ph.D. offer, especially from a top-20 school (assuming I get one)? AHHHH!!! I'm just confused, upset, stressed, and lonely. Any thoughts from anyone? Thanks in advance!

If I've learned anything from all these separations and deployments, it is that my marriage and my wonderful husband are what makes me the happiest. I want to be able to take care of myself, should I ever need to, and I love to learn, so I do want to finish my degree. However, I am not willing to spend months and years apart from him. I'm just not. Life is short and I want all the time I can with the ones I love. I'm willing to make some sacrifices for a career, but I will draw the line at how long (a few weeks, a few months?) I am willing to live away from my husband. I spent three years pursuing a music career, to the exclusion of all other relationships. It was my life. Then, a few weeks after I left L.A. and moved to Florida, I met my husband. I was never this happy chasing a career, and all the material things and "success" I might make (and that my ego would like) are empty in comparison to what I have in my marriage. I think seeking balance is the best way to go about planning what to do in life. And if you don't like who you become in a very competitive situation, I would not go for law school... you will be very unhappy after a few years as a lawyer. Why can't you work and save money and get your PhD when he graduates? Can he choose a job according to where you get into school? Work and save up money for the next two years, and then see where you are at. I was always taught never to rely on a man, or to put my own life on hold for a man, but I rather think it is better to compromise than to hold such strict rules for myself. (And, I feel much better now that I almost have my BA. A grad degree is just icing on the cake, as far as being able to take care of myself.)

[poissonpilote]

My girlfriend and I have been together since October '08, so about 9 months. She was in France studying a year abroad, and I was doing my undergrad there as I'm French. Now she's back in the US, and we're going to spend the year apart (until May to be precise) as I'm finishing my undergrad in the UK and she's finishing hers in the US. We'll see each other roughly 3-4 weeks every 2 months (we're seeing each other from mid august to mid September, one week in November, all of January, 3 weeks in April and then we've got plans for spending the summer together).

After that, she plans on going to culinary school (yes, dramatic orientation change ) and I plan on applying to MSc/PhD (why else would I be on this forum? ). We're definitely going to try to do everything we can to have a culinary school + MSc. in the same town, in the US. Once she has her cooking diploma, she'll be able to go pretty much anywhere she wants (or so I hope), so it won't matter much where I do my PhD (it'll probably be the US anyway).

So yeah, now the challenge in front of us is spending 9 months without seeing each other each day like we used to, and then finding a MSc./Culinary school in the same town (hopefully that should be doable. Hopefully).

Distance is hard (it's almost been a month since she's left France, and there are still a bit less than 2 to go until we see each other again), but we had long talks about it and we're convinced that we're right for each other, and that it's just a phase we have to go through and that will just make us a stronger couple in the end.

Also, both of us are willing to make career sacrifices and compromises, so that's a good thing.

(writing this post just made miss her really badly)