relationships?

[JerryLandis]

Has anyone here had a significant other who moved to another country to be with them? My boyfriend of 3 years wants to move to the US with me (we live in the UK and he is a UK citizen) when I go to graduate school next year. In fact, he was the person who convinced me not to stay in the UK, but to return to America. This is all great, but the problem is that he is not a US citizen and I don't know how he will be able to get into the country or find a job there. I know the obvious solution to this is to get married so he can move over with me and find a job once we're there. We may have to do this, but the problem is that I really don't want to get married at my young age and my parents will certainly kill me if I do.

Anyone have any suggestions? My boyfriend wants to be a teacher, and has an MA in history, is certified to teach English as a foreign language, but has no long-term teaching experience. Does anyone know of any programs like Teach for America or something like that that admits non-US citizens? I realize I'm asking for the impossible here, but it never hurts to ask!

The universities I am applying to offer help in finding work for the spouses or gay partners of their students. If only I were gay, then not getting married would be a possibility (probably the only good thing about gay marriage not being recognized)!

[a fragrant plant]

Has anyone here had a significant other who moved to another country to be with them? My boyfriend of 3 years wants to move to the US with me (we live in the UK and he is a UK citizen) when I go to graduate school next year. In fact, he was the person who convinced me not to stay in the UK, but to return to America. This is all great, but the problem is that he is not a US citizen and I don't know how he will be able to get into the country or find a job there. I know the obvious solution to this is to get married so he can move over with me and find a job once we're there. We may have to do this, but the problem is that I really don't want to get married at my young age and my parents will certainly kill me if I do.

Anyone have any suggestions? My boyfriend wants to be a teacher, and has an MA in history, is certified to teach English as a foreign language, but has no long-term teaching experience. Does anyone know of any programs like Teach for America or something like that that admits non-US citizens? I realize I'm asking for the impossible here, but it never hurts to ask!

The universities I am applying to offer help in finding work for the spouses or gay partners of their students. If only I were gay, then not getting married would be a possibility (probably the only good thing about gay marriage not being recognized)!

We're on the same boat here. My fiance and I also live in the UK. He is a UK citizen and I'm a EU national. To be honest with you, we have researched about all possibilities of him getting a job in America while I'm doing my PhD and I can tell you that it's highly unlikely that a foreign national can get a job in the US without having a legitimate work permit due to the intricate visa system and the gloomy economic climate. Neither of us is US citizen/permanent residents so even if we get married he won't be able to get a job with a normal dependent visa (F1). As I said in another post I'm hoping to obtain a J1 visa if admitted so that he can try to find a job with a dependent visa which allows him to work in the US. All in all, marriage is a prerequisite if you want him to come with you.

[alexis]

Has anyone here had a significant other who moved to another country to be with them? My boyfriend of 3 years wants to move to the US with me (we live in the UK and he is a UK citizen) when I go to graduate school next year. In fact, he was the person who convinced me not to stay in the UK, but to return to America. This is all great, but the problem is that he is not a US citizen and I don't know how he will be able to get into the country or find a job there. I know the obvious solution to this is to get married so he can move over with me and find a job once we're there. We may have to do this, but the problem is that I really don't want to get married at my young age and my parents will certainly kill me if I do.

Anyone have any suggestions? My boyfriend wants to be a teacher, and has an MA in history, is certified to teach English as a foreign language, but has no long-term teaching experience. Does anyone know of any programs like Teach for America or something like that that admits non-US citizens? I realize I'm asking for the impossible here, but it never hurts to ask!

The universities I am applying to offer help in finding work for the spouses or gay partners of their students. If only I were gay, then not getting married would be a possibility (probably the only good thing about gay marriage not being recognized)!

I went almost through this exact same situation. My boyfriend (now husband) was a UK citizen, and we wanted him to move here for my senior year of college (he had just graduated) and have him get a job. That didn't work out.

Unless your boyfriend how some great skill that's really needed in this country, like some genius engineer, believe me: it's near impossible. Granted, I don't know much about Teach for America etc, but I highly doubt it. You have no idea how many companies I called to see if they sponsored foreign workers, i.e. my boyfriend, who had a business degree. Sponsoring someone on a work visa costs a LOT of money for companies, so they have to REALLY want someone. And in today's economy, you're going to face even more roadblocks.

So what did we do? We continued dating long distance for a year and a half. Then, we applied for a K-1 visa (fiance visa), and got married after I graduated from college. What you could do--and what we almost did--is have just a civil ceremony now (if you're sure he's the one and you would be getting married eventually), then in a couple years, have the "big" wedding that everyone is invited to.

I understand about feeling too young and your family's hesitation. I got married at 22, but I am SO thankful I did. It means we can be together, and he can work here with no problems (he just got his 10 year green card, wooo!). Some of my extended family questioned my age, etc, but you know what? I didn't care. I knew he was the one, and everything was worth it. I don't question it for a second.

You boyfriend, as I'm sure you know, can legally visit the US for up to 90 days, but can't work. You could do the K-1 visa route, which works best if you're currently residing in the US, but if you are currently in the UK, you could also get married there, then apply for a different marriage visa. FYI, K-1 visa also gives you more time. Once it's granted--we got ours about 6 months after application--he can move to the US, then you guys have 6 months to get married. Once you're married, he applies for his 2-year green card, which can take another 6 months. (You could get married the day he arrives in the US though--you just have up to 6 months.) This means he could potentially not be able to work for 6+ months.

The visa process takes a LOT of time and money (ha, kind of like the grad school app process!) but it's so worth it. I hate to say it, but marriage is really your only option if you want him to live & work where you're going to school, unless he's going to go to grad school as well.

If you have any questions, feel free to contact me. I know this post is already too long for the public forum, but I'm happy to help if you need any advice or anything.

[anthrogradhopes]

I see a few people are planning to do what we plan to do: select schools to apply to that are in geographically proximate locations. We both are aiming for Ph.D.'s but in different fields. So many current grad students and advisers have suggested that I consider cutting ties with my boyfriend for grad school, insisting that the stress is simply not worth it, providing some half-hearted and ill-thought-out "if it's meant to be, it will be". But my boyfriend is the most supportive and caring man I can possibly imagine, and we have perfectly compatible personalities and future ambitions. We're still undergrads (both with junior standing, though technically both of us are in our fourth year of college...long stories) but all our friends agree that we pretty much act like we're married (and my boyfriend and I have indeed discussed marriage). Getting accepted into closely located programs is the only hurdle. :/

Just wondering if anyone out there has been in this situation, made/is making it work, and has some sage advice. My boyfriend and I have had a lot of long, drawn-out conversations recently about this and we each agree that in terms of future happiness, we're more valuable to one another than our careers ever could be, so splitting up just isn't an option. But balancing marriage and two Ph.D. programs will undoubtedly be rough at times...especially since my program will require field research in another country (assuming I get accepted somewhere, *gulp*).

[tarski]

I forget the name of it, but there's a successful psych PhD applicant who put all her information on a website. She was in the situation with a significant other also getting a PhD. The gist of the advice was to apply to way more places than you would normally apply to (which is kind of obvious), because not only do you need to get accepted, you also have this additional condition. For some reason I wanted to say ~24 is what they both applied to, and they got a few matching cities.

Edited November 9, 2009 by tarski

[anthrogradhopes]

Holy cow. That's a lot (and a lot of $...).

I'm still trying to convince my boyfriend to apply to schools in California. So far I can't get him to agree to apply outside of the east coast...and it's so frustrating because there are some great programs for both of our disciplines at Stanford and UC Berkeley.

Please let me know if you remember her username!

[tarski]

ah, here we go, I found it.

http://www-personal.umich.edu/~mooreks/graduatehelp.html

Here's a relevant quote from the "two-body" section:

"If you can afford it (this may cost $4000 between the two of you!), I highly recommend the "Application Blitz" method. Unexpected events happen in both directions and you are running a great risk by applying to too few schools. Think of it this way -- you could each get into 1/2 of your schools, and still have no matches."

[anthrogradhopes]

Thank you so much! That's helpful.

[pea-jay]

Part of the reason why I am focusing on NYC is that if and when my wife goes for her masters, there will be a number of institutions to choose from. But for the time being, she will be the one working.

[a fragrant plant]

Sigh, looks like we are all facing the same long-distance dilemma. I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years and we're serious about our relationship. We're going to get married. It's frustrating when people keep telling you that long distance relationship won't work.

[alexis]

Sigh, looks like we are all facing the same long-distance dilemma. I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years and we're serious about our relationship. We're going to get married. It's frustrating when people keep telling you that long distance relationship won't work.

Yeah, I think that's BS. I did a 3,000 mile long-distance relationship for nearly 2 years, very successfully. I have another friend who was on the east coast, boyfriend in CA, for over 4 years long distance (they were both in school), and they are still together another 4 years later. Yeah, it's hard to be apart, but you do what you have to do. It all depends on the people/couple. No one should generalize! Those who are saying that are the people who couldn't commit to a long distance relationship or had a bad experience and they like to tell the rest of us it "doesn't work."

[dzk]

Yeah, I think that's BS. I did a 3,000 mile long-distance relationship for nearly 2 years, very successfully. I have another friend who was on the east coast, boyfriend in CA, for over 4 years long distance (they were both in school), and they are still together another 4 years later. Yeah, it's hard to be apart, but you do what you have to do. It all depends on the people/couple. No one should generalize! Those who are saying that are the people who couldn't commit to a long distance relationship or had a bad experience and they like to tell the rest of us it "doesn't work."

If it's not a strong, mature relationship, it won't work. Every high school relationship any of my friends had that tried to go long-distance failed pretty quickly, once they realized there really were more personalities out there than what they saw in the people in the town we grew up in. Realistically, you need to have a good amount of experience and maturity to have a long-term relationship work out, because most people who try it are quite certain that the first or second serious relationship they've ever had is the right one. And sometimes it is, but sometimes they just have tunnel-vision and a fear of being alone.

Of course, everyone is going to think that they are an exception.

Obviously, as applicants to grad school, you've seen a bit more of the world and you know more about who you are, so a long-distance relationship is more likely to work... but that doesn't guarantee anything.

Edited November 10, 2009 by iggy

[a fragrant plant]

If it's not a strong, mature relationship, it won't work. Every high school relationship any of my friends had that tried to go long-distance failed pretty quickly, once they realized there really were more personalities out there than what they saw in the people in the town we grew up in. Realistically, you need to have a good amount of experience and maturity to have a long-term relationship work out, because most people who try it are quite certain that the first or second serious relationship they've ever had is the right one. And sometimes it is, but sometimes they just have tunnel-vision and a fear of being alone.

Of course, everyone is going to think that they are an exception.

Obviously, as applicants to grad school, you've seen a bit more of the world and you know more about who you are, so a long-distance relationship is more likely to work... but that doesn't guarantee anything.

I agree with you. It all depends on how strong and mature the relationship is. I wish someone had told me this when I graduated from high school. I was in a long-distance relationship with my ex-bf from high school for three years before we finally broke up bitterly. I knew it wasn't going to work soon after I started university. Studying at a university away from home opens up a whole new world for me. It was something that he couldn't (refused) to understand as he was still around with the same people. Needless to say the break-up was dreadful.

I thought I would never be in another long-distance relationship again but c'est la vie. My partner and I are committed to each other and we're going to try everything to make this relationship work.

[pea-jay]

Long distance relationships can also kill a relationship (conveniently) that is on its way out. My ex-GF who I was with for nearly 3 years graduated a year and a bit before I did and had to move for job and education purposes. We lasted only a few months before it ended. But the distance wasnt solely to blame. We had unresolved issues before hand and both of us found it easier to move on than deal with it. But then again neither of us were even 21 yet and lacked the maturity to sustain a LD relationship.

[BCHistory]

For me, the hardest part has been explaining to people (significant other, friends, family) that the life of an academic is far from stable. I think that a lot of people envision professors as having tons of say in where they end up from the moment they get their PhD, with flexible schedules, breaks and big chunks of time off.

Yup, this has been my problem, too. My parents, family, and friends don't understand that an academic has to follow the jobs. The jobs will not follow us. Many people close to me are having a hard time understanding that my first teaching job may be 3000 miles away. Interestingly, the only person who seems to truly and really have understood that among my family and closest friends is my girlfriend. Maybe that's because she's in medical school and is currently facing her board exams in two months. We've been long distance due to jobs and school for over a year-and-a-half now. It's difficult, but if you want it to work, and you both are very understanding of each other's professional and academic situations, then it WILL work out.

[anxiousapplicant]

I refuse to go long distance. While grad school is my number one goal in life, my boyfriend's my number one priority. Maybe that's idiotic or womanish or childish, but I don't care. If there is life after death, then my Ph.D. or what I went to school for won't matter, but he will. If there is nothing, then it doesn't matter what I did anyway. I am limiting my apps roughly to the greater metropolitan area I live in. He is willing to go anywhere and do anything, but I can't make him move. He is earning a teacher's degree/certification this year and I can't make him have to transfer all that to another state. He would do it without hesitation, which is why I won't ask. Don't know what's going to happen when I need to find a job, but I know we'll work it out somehow.

[anxiousapplicant]

Wow...if nothing else, this thread has reminded me how very lucky I am.... my husband not only is willing to move to wherever is necessary for my academic career... since I lost my drivers' license last November, he's been chauffeuring me all over the place without complaint.

we live in one place, and I teach in another 40 minutes from home and am doing my MA - and then my PhD as well - in yet another city that is 2.5 hours from either of those locations. He spends a LOT of time sitting around ...both while I'm in class, and also at the motel while I'm reading/doing homework.

He works during the spring/summer... so wont be as available ...but since I am taking the summer (mostly) off, we should be able to make it work.

I am very lucky.

Yes, that's just how my boyfriend is, drives me everywhere and has to wait for me... He doesn't remotely mind somehow. You and I truly are lucky people.