"Be Sure Before You Go"

[paraplu]

This idiom is frequently leveled at prospective graduate students to warn them of the challenges that await should they pursue a graduate degree; or, worse, as an admonition against those graduate students who are currently unhappy in their programs. I want to try to unpack the meaning of this statement, and what it means for those of us who, despite meticulous preparation, find themselves in a situation much different than anticipated, and are perhaps questioning their commitment to graduate school.

Be sure before you go to graduate school. As I find myself deeply unhappy as a first semester PhD student, I look back on the number of times I interrogated my certainty in the three years between getting my Bachelor's and entering grad school. I emailed each of my prospective advisors; if I didn't meet with them in person, I spoke with them on the phone. I talked to their students, often at length and having frank and open discussions. I visited the campuses, toured the cities, of my top three choices. During those three years of careful plodding, and especially during the frenzied application cycle, I had painstakingly long discussions with my undergraduate mentors where I made no attempt to hide my neuroses, fears, and anxieties about graduate school. Indeed, I entered my top-choice program with a fully funded offer confident I had done everything I could to know what I was getting myself in to.

But somehow the logic of that other common idiom -- "you never know until you try" -- escapes the ethos of graduate school. We are told we cannot, should not, enter into it lightly. I did not apply on a whim, upset with the economy, etc. I developed this plan carefully, and it took me three full years to execute. In the interim I had satisfying work, traveled extensively, and suffered the loss of a close family member. I had moments of agonizing doubt. My devotion was not blind. Indeed, each of these circumstances forced me to be all the more thoughtful about making a long term commitment that would move me further away from my family and friends at a very sensitive time. Yet there are so very many aspects of graduate student life that I simply could not have known had I never made it this far. And make no mistake, there is an acute difference between reading about the challenges of grad school and experiencing them for oneself. I think it's counterproductive to tell anyone on this forum or elsewhere who is experiencing doubts, "well, didn't you know? Didn't you do your research?" Of course they did. Most of us are entering research-intensive programs. Of course we did our research.

There is a certain impossibility of "being sure before you go." While I do encourage all prospective graduate students to learn as much as they possibly can before committing, who amongst us can claim that they really truly knew the intensity of the loneliness, the depth of internal doubt, the purgatory of unstructured time? (And I worked from home for two years, so structuring one's time should come easy, right?) A person with a goal will rationalize these things away -- I spend lots of time alone, and much prefer quiet days and nights to socializing; and I'm already insecure to a fault. But these are not the reasons why I want to leave my program. Nor do the particularities of my program contribute to my discontent -- in fact, the place is great, and the people are wonderful, and the city is spectacular. Perhaps many amongst you will be incredulous when I say this, but what I found when I got here is that I simply do not want this life.

My intent here is manifold. It seems that many people are blamed for their lack of foresight if they express doubt about being in grad school. I want to express my solidarity with those people who felt they were extremely calculating in their plans and preparations. I also want to suggest that, yes, graduate school is a serious thing. But the pedestal it's put on contributes to unrealistic expectations. If someone wanted to quit their job -- a job they earned by having a particular education or level of hard-earned experience -- would you say to that person: "but they're paying you a salary! Think of all the resources they wasted on you!" Would you hang the threat of tarnished reputations over their head -- not only their own, but their references? Somehow, this sounds ridiculous when applied to a member of the working world, yet draws no suspicion when directed at a grad student. I think this is an ideal we impose on graduate school more than it is the reality of things. While I am taken aback by many things in graduate school, one amongst them is how reasonable my professors and colleagues are. As people who value intelligence and thoughtfulness, I think there must be a way to bow out with the same graces that got you there in the first place.

[StrangeLight]

this is a great post.

i look forward to reading the replies of prospective grad students who will write, "but my case will be different, because i've wanted this since forever."

there is a way to bow out gracefully, by the way. it's to go to your primary advisor and to say, "i don't want this life. i look around here, at profs and students alike with varying degrees of stress, dissatisfaction, and contentment, and i just don't want any of it. thank you for seeing the potential in my scholarly work, but this isn't where i want to be." and then leave.

anyone that will begrudge you for leaving that way is not worth your time anyway.

[Eigen]

I think that there are, indeed, people who did all they could to research graduate school and their program in advance, and still didn't find it to their liking.

From what I've seen doing recruiting and meeting with prospective students, as well as helping first years settle in, those that properly did their research and for whom it still didn't work out are very much in the minority to those who just didn't research their programs, and are upset at things that were clearly stated and easily found before application.

I'd also add that I find there's a benefit to "more mature" graduate students- whether they were non-traditional undergraduates, or worked some between undergrad and graduate school. There were several of my peers that really found it took them about 2 years to "settle in" to graduate school- and have wondered if they might have been more successful doing an MS or working for a few years before they applied.

And, as StrangeLight said- people leave. If you really thought grad school would work for you, and it's not, a good program and a good advisor won't look down on you for leaving. I will caution that it's worth waiting before you decide, however- I see lots of posts (and hear from lots of people) who want to leave/think grad school isn't for them a few weeks or even a few months in. That's not really giving yourself time to acclimate to a new setting, a new set of priorities, etc. It's also not enough time to try multiple workstyles- maybe you work better early mornings, or late nights, or would work better if you took a nap every afternoon. Give yourself long enough to try these things and see if they work.

Starting graduate school is a lot of new stuff pushed on you all at once- teaching, when many of us never taught before- research as a primary job, as opposed to something secondary or tertiary from undergrad- a new city, often away from family, friends and support network- and higher expectations in and out of classes. Adjusting to not only the pace but also the shifting priorities, while at the same time living more "alone" than many of us have before can be quite a system shock, and really takes a long time to fully adjust to. Not only that, but it's amazing how fast you can get accustomed to the new work pace- journal articles took me several hours to read my first semester, now I can get the same amount out of them in a 20 minute read with a few notes. You get into your area of research, you learn the techniques and the details and the major players, and suddenly it gets much easier. You get more efficient- you can do more with less time and energy commitment.

Chances are, if this is something you've always wanted, it's something worth sticking to- just relax, take a deep breath, and give yourself some time to adjust properly.

[eco_env]

I agree with the OP- the program I'm in is actually turning out better than I expected, but my living situation is pretty depressing. I knew the facts of what I was getting into (more or less), but I just thought "that's OK; I can live with that." Now that I am actually experiencing it, I see that yes, I can live with it, but it's hard for me to imagine living with it for 6 years. It's not enough to make me try to transfer, because I don't know ow well that will work out, but I feel like I would've taken a different approach to choosing grad schools if I had the experience of living here, or in a similar situation.

[ZeChocMoose]

On average, only 50% of people who start a PhD complete one-- so you are definitely not alone.

You seem overwhelmed and sorta lonely. I hope there is someone that you can talk to about this that can listen and understand. Transitions are hard and it can be even harder if you haven't had to move around a lot. Usually it takes me about a year or so to really feel comfortable in a new city/new job/etc.

And I agree that people with a lot of information can still make decisions that don't work out. I thought I wanted to be a number of different occupations before I hit on the right one. But the good news is you still have the power of choice. You can decide to stay in for the first year and reevaluate your feelings in a year -or- you can decide to leave.

Honestly, it is not about what anyone else says or really even thinks. You are the one that has to do the day-to-day of your life. As long as you are satisfied then I would call that a success.

[juilletmercredi]

"well, didn't you know? Didn't you do your research?" Of course they did. Most of us are entering research-intensive programs. Of course we did our research.

When people say that, they are usually referring to things that it is possible to know before you go - like the fact that no one at your school is doing research in your area, or the wonderful professor you wanted to work with is actually not taking any students in his lab, or that Professor X's research interests on the website are actually her interests from 5 years ago and she's doing something else now.

It's not possible to know that you are in a cohort full of axe murderers or that professor with the interesting interests is a dick, and people normally don't admonish them for that.

There is a certain impossibility of "being sure before you go." While I do encourage all prospective graduate students to learn as much as they possibly can before committing, who amongst us can claim that they really truly knew the intensity of the loneliness, the depth of internal doubt, the purgatory of unstructured time?

Nobody. When folks say "know before you go," they're not talking about knowing that you want stay in graduate school. They're saying be sure that you want and need to go. Some people dislike research and want to get a PhD. Don't go! Some people don't like to write papers but they want to ride out the recession. Don't go! Some people aren't sure what it is they actually want to study or do in life. Don't go!

I don't disagree that there are some things that it is impossible to know before coming to graduate school, but I DO disagree that it is common for graduate students to say "didn't you know?" to a person thinking about leaving. When I decided to leave my program (before I changed my mind), I posted on a number of forums and talked to colleagues. Not one person said that to me, not here, not LJ, not in person. They expressed sympathy, talked about how difficult the life is here, and gave me advice. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but I don't think it happens often when it's not warranted.

[Mal83]

First there's a tremendous difference between a phD program and a Master's program. If you're not content or satisfied in any way at the beginning of a phD program the idea of trudging through it for 5+ years would be unbearable for anyone. There is no shame in bowing out, it was your choice to go in the first place and your choice to leave. No once can be critical of a decision that you've made to better your quality of life. Being miserable for years just to do nothing more than prove you can just stick it out or to save face is not justifiable. In fact, it's a more difficult decision to have made because many people who feel trapped just stay that way since in some way it offers security, making a big change like that requires the effort of going in a new direction which can be uncertain and scary. You've decided that you don't want to be a phD student anymore for your very own personal reasons and no one can admonish you for that. I only take issue with the posters who claim that they "didn't know they'd have to take these classes" or "would have to do this much course work and only so much lab work." I'm not making this up, these are actual complaints and reason for hating grad school by current grad students made on this board. These are the people who absolutely didn't research the program yet still managed to convince the admissions committees that they're a good fit, there's no excuse for not having at least a vague idea of the required curriculum BEFORE you get there. No one loves every little thing about grad school, and you're right no matter how much reading and thinking you do, the reality of it doesn't hit until you're in it and doing it. That's true for me too, and that's coming from someone who loves being a grad student despite the overwhelming work load and a complete disliking for one of my required classes. But the types of complaints I mentioned warrant the "how did you not know about this?" question and I do not sympathize with them. But that's clearly not your case so you've come to a mature and reasonable decision that you will most likely be at peace with because you know it's for the best. Good luck to you.

[ktel]

There is a certain impossibility of "being sure before you go." While I do encourage all prospective graduate students to learn as much as they possibly can before committing, who amongst us can claim that they really truly knew the intensity of the loneliness, the depth of internal doubt, the purgatory of unstructured time? (And I worked from home for two years, so structuring one's time should come easy, right?) A person with a goal will rationalize these things away -- I spend lots of time alone, and much prefer quiet days and nights to socializing; and I'm already insecure to a fault. But these are not the reasons why I want to leave my program. Nor do the particularities of my program contribute to my discontent -- in fact, the place is great, and the people are wonderful, and the city is spectacular. Perhaps many amongst you will be incredulous when I say this, but what I found when I got here is that I simply do not want this life.

This paragraph really hit home for me. While I don't think I want to quit, I'm having a much more difficult time than I thought I would. My life isn't fundamentally different. I am certainly not as lonely as the average grad student and I don't spend my time that differently than I did before, yet it all feels a lot worse.

[spunkrag]

Give it some time. I didn't start enjoying grad school until the 5th year of my program, when the light at the end of the tunnel became more apparent and I was publishing, through comps, and had a clear path for dissertating.

I am sorry to hear, though, of your troubles. I hope I didn't come across this thread too late. Or maybe you have left the program and it is the best thing that ever happened. Either way, I hope you find what you want.