Bringing fiancee to visits

[michigantrumpet]

Hi Everyone,

I'll be starting a CS PhD program in the fall, which I expect to last 5 or 6 years. Because of this long term commitment in one place, I would like to include my fiancee in the decision process (she'll be stuck there too!). The way CS works is that they invite admitted students to visit (rather than interview) and pay for flight, hotel, etc. What are people's opinions on bringing guests out? Obviously the transportation would be on my dime. I figure she can get to know the city/area and see how she likes it while I'm busy with the visit events. Also, what are people's opinions on bringing guests to the evening dinners/parties? Is this kosher or taboo?

Thanks for your opinions!

[ewurgler]

I would say sure to brining her along, but a BIG NO to bringing her to any events organized by the department. 1) she would feel weird, out of place 2) you will be worrying too much about her comfort rather than getting to know the department and asking the right questions.

Perhaps you could suggest she go explore, see if she likes the area, and meet back when you are down with department stuff, or, don't take her and when you have narrowed down to 2 or 3 possibilities (based purely on what is best for your education), you guys can go together to the last few and make the final decision together.

FOr me, who has a partner that will be moving with me, I will go on visits alone, and when I make the final decision, or have 2 I am deciding between, he will come with me and explore, help me make the last decision, and look for neighborhoods we would want to live in.

[t_ruth]

You should ask. I'm bringing my husband and children to a recruitment weekend and talked about it w/my potential advisor. She was very accommodating, and I know there are some events planned during the weekend that guests (children included in my case) are invited and encouraged to attend.

There are a fair amount of married grad students and it seems only natural to include your spouse in the decision-making process, so I don't think it will be an unheard questions.

[readyforachange]

In the past, people in my current program have brought their SOs with them for the weekend, but left him/her to do their own exploration during the day when meeting with faculty and the more formal events. However, we also have an informal grad social, with all current grad students, and a picnic with faculty, grads and their families - both events were attended by the potential student and his/her SO.

Look at the events planned (if any) and see if any are more casual where you could bring your SO if desired.

[ejuliast]

You should ask. I'm bringing my husband and children to a recruitment weekend and talked about it w/my potential advisor. She was very accommodating, and I know there are some events planned during the weekend that guests (children included in my case) are invited and encouraged to attend.

There are a fair amount of married grad students and it seems only natural to include your spouse in the decision-making process, so I don't think it will be an unheard questions.

Agreed. My husband and son are coming with me to visit schools; they'll just hang out in the town/city and see what they think.

[Rutabaga]

Yeah I'm definitely bringing my SO, however, I'll let him explore on his own when I'm attending the actual events at the school.

[earlyamerican]

It's just like if you were being recruited for any other job in a place requiring relocation. Obviously your spouse/partner isn't going to go into the office, sit down in the boardroom, and meet your boss, right? But if there's a definitively social, after-hours event planned, of course partners are going to be invited. In the unimaginable-to-me scenario that they wouldn't be, whoever your contact is will certainly be expecting that question.

[jesso21]

This is sort of connected:

This is embarrassing, but MY MOM wants to go on campus visits with me. While I love my mom and want her to be part of my decision, I think I will def. let her explore on her own while I do other things. Would it appear juvenile or whatever if she attends the "family" functions? (others in thread mention spouses and children, do moms fit in too?)

[miratrix]

I think you should take her if you have the confidence to introduce her with a big smile to show you're happy she's there and not embarrassed, and to not care that yeah, some people there will probably think it's juvenile. If you don't have that confidence (I wouldn't), I'm sure she'd understand, right?

[jesso21]

I'm sure she'd understand, right?

Thanks! I think she'd totally understand. I think she'd be happy to wander around campus or the city on her own too. I think I just need to let her know that I'd like to attend these things solo.

[psycholinguist]

I'd find things in advance for you and your mom to do together in the cities you visit, then mention a) that since you'll need to be living on your own at grad-school, you'd prefer to tour the actual campuses alone in order to get a more accurate sense of how you by yourself feel in the respective environments that they offer; but that you thought of some ideas for spending time with your mom otherwise. That way, everyone wins (well, theoretically, at least).

[Phonologist]

I brought my mom to my undergrad orientation when the vast majority didn't. I probably would have preferred that she didn't come, but I could tell it was really important to her for some reason. She was really happy to go, so I'm glad I took her. She made just as many friends as I did; people were asking about her when I got to campus in the fall!

I'll echo the "take her but set boundaries" advice. I'm sure she won't be offended.