For those of us just hating it...

[inkarra]

First I apologize for the length - it wasn't supposed to be this long, honest It all just came pouring out...

I just wanted to start a new thread because I was reading through the "now that you're in what do you think?" thread and no one there had yet to express the level of distaste I have come to have for my PhD program in just 3 short weeks.

A little about me - I am a PhD student. I moved from a big city to a picturesque smaller city which is really the only thing I'm enjoying about the move. But - I am also one of those "minorities in majority departments" and it's more that a little disconcerting to be the only person of colour in my entire cohort (of about 40). I have only encountered one other person of colour in the entire graduate department. And yes, I knew that a small town would be different from the big city but this is jarring. I'm starting to feel like the "token person of color," everyone looks to when discussing race and I am seriously regretting coming here. For the record, I got into a top ranked PhD program in my home town, but I decided against it because I felt that this program's offerings better suited the particular subject I wanted to study - and I liked my potential advisor. I was more than happy to accept a top 5 school because I thought living on my own and starting fresh would be an adventure. Now I feel weird walking across campus and even weirder walking down city streets.

Now that advisor is absent minded, distant and going on leave next term. The conversations I'm having with my classmates are all very cordial and friendly but also feel very fake. I haven't made any actuall friends, haven't had any social gatherings outside of class and have already accepted the fact that none of this is likely to change.

Now all of this would be bearable except that I am also hating my course work/readings. It's bad enough having to read a book + 4-5 articles a week for each of my three half term courses but it's unbearable when I can't get through even one reading without wanting to pull my hair out because of all the academic gobbledygook. Maybe it's because I've been out of school for a year and maybe it's because I thoroughly enjoyed my MA which contained elements of "popular history" but I can't stand the fact that almost every thing I'm reading these days is about "numbers functioning in justificatory, pedagogical and referential ways," or "Objectivity in our historiography in the face of a hegemonic masculinist discourse," or "the problems and deficiencies of accomodationist ideologies." UUGHHHH. I forgot how much I despise academic vernacular and I guess I've just realized that in pursuing a PhD, I'm committing myself to learning how to replicate this crap for future graduate students because I know no one else is going to be reading it.

And I can't enjoy a simple meal or a movie because my mind is always thinking about how much I have to read, assignments that are already due next week, books I can't afford to buy now but can't find in the library, a language exam I'm not sure I'm going to pass...and the list goes on.

Anyone else feeling any of this??

[ktel]

If I am to assume your home town is Toronto (based on your location) and you have moved to another small town in Canada, I'm not surprised about you experiencing a bit of culture shock. I moved from Edmonton to Toronto to start graduate school, and there are very noticeably a lot more races, religions, etc. in Toronto. For example, I don't think I knew a single Jewish person growing up in Edmonton. A Torontonian would think I was crazy saying that.

I also am not friends with very many people in my department. There's the odd social thing organized through the student association, and it's fun, but I'm not expecting to make lifelong friends. Instead I have stuck to my usual method of making friends: play sports. You could easily replace sports with any sort of club or external association.

As for the "academic gobbledygook", I believe there was a thread on here about reading academic texts. The gist of it is, a lot of academic writing is unnecessarily confusing. I'm in a math/engineering field where it can get particularly bad. I often find myself going cross eyed as rows of formulas are presented.

[Shari A Williams]

I should probably start by saying that I'm not in a PhD programme but I'm in Canada too (which is where you are right?). I'm also the only person of colour in my department - in fact I'm almost sure that there are less of us here than in Toronto. I'm also coming from the Caribbean where I was in the majority. But even though at the back of my mind I know I have to sensitive to how that may manifest itself in my dealings with other people, I'm choosing not to fixate on it, but just focus on being myself and taking the opportunity to make friends with people from a variety of backgrounds. So far I've been friendly with Italians, Chinese people, a Mexican and other Canadians. So while it DEFINITELY takes some getting used to and I know it might get awkward at times, I'm just going to stay firmly grounded in terms of who I am, what I'm about and what I'm here to do.

I'm currently in a programme where everyone has a first degree in it but I do not, and which matches my methodological interests but not exactly my RESEARCH interests, so I can kind of relate. I also can relate to the convoluted writings of certain scholars myself (uggggggghhhhhhhh), but I try to find a summary/synthesis online that I can read alongside. I also make my own brief notes, because I myself use an extremely straightforward style of writing.

I can't relate to the library bit though, I'm really sorry about that. Is there anyway you can source your books/articles from other archives/libraries in your area or from cities near you? And are you sure your school bookstore doesn't have secondhand books? I bought mine used - they were a lot cheaper.

I haven't been sleeping or watching any movie/tv show, and I've had to struggle to make sure I eat cuz I'm so stressed out....I have a diagnostic exam tomorrow and my language one is coming up shortly. I already broke down yesterday, and since then I've just been pushing forward.

If you find you really can't/don't want to manage then that's another story. But keep pushing forward till the end of the semester at least.

Hope that made sense.

[Shari A Williams]

If I am to assume your home town is Toronto (based on your location) and you have moved to another small town in Canada, I'm not surprised about you experiencing a bit of culture shock. I moved from Edmonton to Toronto to start graduate school, and there are very noticeably a lot more races, religions, etc. in Toronto. For example, I don't think I knew a single Jewish person growing up in Edmonton. A Torontonian would think I was crazy saying that.

I also am not friends with very many people in my department. There's the odd social thing organized through the student association, and it's fun, but I'm not expecting to make lifelong friends. Instead I have stuck to my usual method of making friends: play sports. You could easily replace sports with any sort of club or external association.

As for the "academic gobbledygook", I believe there was a thread on here about reading academic texts. The gist of it is, a lot of academic writing is unnecessarily confusing. I'm in a math/engineering field where it can get particularly bad. I often find myself going cross eyed as rows of formulas are presented.

Your posts always resonate with me ktel! I'm looking into doing Capoeira or a dance club so I can have that network as well.

Side note: I thought Edmonton was a bit more cosmopolitan than that, I don't know why. I'm in Calgary myself.

[ktel]

Your posts always resonate with me ktel! I'm looking into doing Capoeira or a dance club so I can have that network as well.

Side note: I thought Edmonton was a bit more cosmopolitan than that, I don't know why. I'm in Calgary myself.

I just found certain races and religions to be really under represented in Edmonton as a whole as well as in certain neighborhoods. Probably partly due to a population difference and partly due to the propensity for immigrants to migrate to places where other people from their region already exist in a strong community.

[Shari A Williams]

I just found certain races and religions to be really under represented in Edmonton as a whole as well as in certain neighborhoods. Probably partly due to a population difference and partly due to the propensity for immigrants to migrate to places where other people from their region already exist in a strong community.

Yep I get that. All the Caribbean people tend to stick together in London, NY, Toronto and Miami. I like the new experience though, personally. It may be because some of my preferences/interests may fit better here than back home, but that's a whole 'nother story.

[inkarra]

Thanks for responding guys. For the record, I've been living in Toronto for the past two years or so (dual citizenship) but I'm from the States and I'm doing graduate work in the States. And thanks Shari for reminding me of the interlibrary lending program we have here; I will be looking into it. I definetly intend to stick with this for the semester because it might, just might get beter. But after that...who knows.

[TMP]

Stick it out. First semester is always, always the hardest.

And, seriously, don't be afraid to complain/white/annoy your adviser if s/he seems like a reasonable, kind person. A good adviser will help you sort things out because, well, everyone's gone through this crap. And definitely express your concerns about your adviser being on leave- will she able to keep in touch with you via e-mail and Skype? In any case, you will need to start finding a couple of faculty members who can serve as mentors. There will be times when your adviser is too insanely busy to pay attention to you when you need it or when you don't feel comfortable talking about X just yet and want a perspective. So when your adviser is on leave, you have those faculty members to turn to.

And you do learn to "read between the lines" in academic texts. It takes a lot of time and practice. A member posted a fabulous post on how to read in CHE forums. Use the search function in the Grad School Life subforum.

[rising_star]

I'm a huge advocate for capoeira! I have several great friends that I've made because we train together, which means we get to see each other a few times a week whether for practice or for social time.

Definitely try to see if your advisor will be available next semester while on leave. If not, try to see if you can find a temporary advisor. TBH, I didn't need my advisor much during my first year. But, this gives you an opportunity to get to know other faculty, which you need to do anyway since some of them will be on your committee later on.

[victor.s.andrei]

And I can't enjoy a simple meal or a movie because my mind is always thinking about how much I have to read, assignments that are already due next week, books I can't afford to buy now but can't find in the library, a language exam I'm not sure I'm going to pass...and the list goes on.

Anyone else feeling any of this??

Dude, I feel your pain.

That said, try dealing with all of that and a full-time job in your field...at the same time. A full-time job where you get thrown on call repeatedly, folks around you can't manage their own projects so they dump things on you at the last moment, and management throws you to the wolves on a regular basis.

I'm out of town on a weekend trip (that I paid for out of my own pocket) right now, and this morning I have to wake up early to sit at my work laptop, praying that the project I'm supporting doesn't fail and cause me to miss my return flight in the evening.

All of this while worrying that a project proposal for one of my classes is now overdue, and it turns out the topic I wanted to propose might be outright infeasible after doing a literature review. Plus I have a really nasty problem set and a programming project for another class. Oh, and I'm the only one on my team in on Monday so things will probably get dumped on me...again.