Roommate Advice

[phonology_rocks]

So I have mentioned this a few times in a few other posts and I don't mean to complain again, I am just looking for advice on my situation....

1. So as we all know grad school is hard, and just like many of us, I moved straight across the country to a state where I have no ties.

2. I really lucked out (or so I thought on housing) its cheap, in not a bad area, and a decent place.

3. Have one roommate who I really like and another who has never moved away from home, and has extreme attachment issues to her first ever boyfriend and is extremely incosiderate of me. She continually reminds me that I am lucky because my boyfriend is going to be able to move in with me next year. But that is in 11 months, and now we see each other once every two months.....she doesn't stop talking about home, her bf, and how hard done by she is (liek there are real tears). I just smile and shrug it off. However, I stupidly asked her, if when my good roommate left if my boyfriend could move in and she said sure. The thing is there is no way we could find somewhere even close to that cheap in a decent area near school if we moved out. ANyways that's far away.

I have tried to smile, focus on school and not let her ruin my drive. Having said that last night she brought him home and I I am not kidding they had sex all night and I don't mean the quiet, I have a roommate next door kind, I mean the bed shaking, loud kind. I am light sleeper and that sucks, but with a broken ipod there wasn't a lot I could do. Its her right to do that, and I know that......but its my right to sleep....and I also think its rude that she knows I go for months at a time without seeing my bf and the one time he was here, we were very respectable yet she goes for four days without hers and was really rude.

Anyways if this girl continually brings down my mood....by complaning to me about a situation that is a lot more ideal then my own.....and is clearly in her own little world.....am I out of line by talking to her? and explaining how not only is it not something anyone wants to hear, but it kept me up, and reminded me of the fact that I have that, just states away and never get to see it. Then asked her, if she could put on music, her fan and try not to make noise next time? and then explained she would help me a lot if she could be more positive and a little understanding that someone besides her could be having a hard time adjusting too? Or does someone have a better idea.....I'd be nice of course.......

[fuzzylogician]

Look. First of all, you need to stop comparing her situation to your own. That's exactly what she is doing, and you don't seem to like it when it's done to you. She seems to think (perhaps incorrectly) that it's better to be apart for extended periods of time than having a constant on-again off-again relationship. I've done long distance and I know it's difficult but I can imagine that the constant and frequent shift in intensities is also no fun in a relationship. Either way, there is no one solution that fits all and you need to stop envying her for her situation, just as you'd like her to stop envying yours.

Same point goes for the sex issue - is she supposed to not have sex with her boyfriend when he visits just because you don't get frequent visits of your own? There is no sensible way to interpret her actions as rude towards you in that regard. The noise issue, on the other hand, is a real problem and I think you should address it. The way to do that is to have a polite conversation where you explain that you're a light sleeper and that she kept you up the other night, along with the remedies that you suggested in your post. At the same time, on your end, you should get your ipod fixed (or leave your computer on, or whatever else works) so you're not completely dependent on her actions, since she doesn't sound like the most considerate person and that's likely not going to change - at least not very quickly. Remember, moving away from home and becoming an independent adult is a process and not a smooth transition.

[ktel]

While I understand the noise issue, I really don't see the issue with anything else this roommate does. You are basically faulting her because you are lonely and miss your boyfriend. What is she supposed to do, pretend like she doesn't have a boyfriend that she sees often to make you feel better? Your jealousy of her situation isn't her problem, it's yours, and you should take steps to address it, rather than expect her to not talk about her situation. Based on your assessment I think the loud sex is the only rude thing she has done, and you should address this and only this with her.

[ZacharyObama]

I would probably just move or find a bar that serves drinks until 4 am.

[phonology_rocks]

Thanks for the quick reply I realize I was a little harsher in the decription than I should of been. It is true I have to stop making comparisions, I am really jelous and thats stupid, however, I think she should stop making comparisisions too. I am just going to tell her I am strrugeling a little, and I hope that she'd be understanding with teh noise thing and the fact that its tough on me too! I don't expect her not to act like she has a boyfriend I just wish she wouldn't complain about him so much....because to me it sounds perfect.....although again that is a comparison. As for the sex thing, I never met to make it seem like they shouldn't have sex, thats ridiculous however, it would be nice if they even tried to be quiet....thats all I met..... Thanks again for your honesty guys....

Edited October 1, 2012 by phonology_rocks

[phonology_rocks]

I would probably just move or find a bar that serves drinks until 4 am.

ha ah I can't lease regulations, so I am going to try to make nice but thanks for the laugh lol

[ZacharyObama]

I feel your pain though...my freshman year in undergrad I had a dorm room with an outside room with an inside room roommate and his girlfriend came to visit during the semester. I stayed out until like 4 am to give them time to do their thang before coming back. I was awakened at 8 am by their rumblings. "Dude, the morning is the best time"

I'd let her know that she needs to be more considerate with her monkey sex, avoid the topic of her pissing you off, and generally spend less time in your dwelling. Library, coffee shop, or bar...

[phonology_rocks]

I feel your pain though...my freshman year in undergrad I had a dorm room with an outside room with an inside room roommate and his girlfriend came to visit during the semester. I stayed out until like 4 am to give them time to do their thang before coming back. I was awakened at 8 am by their rumblings. "Dude, the morning is the best time"

I'd let her know that she needs to be more considerate with her monkey sex, avoid the topic of her pissing you off, and generally spend less time in your dwelling. Library, coffee shop, or bar...

Wow that sucks I am sorry especially since you were out so late.....I did talk to her, I am not sure if it really worked from the sex prespective....but at least she was nice...I'll spend less time at home for sure...I did avoid the topic of her pissing me off...but out of the blue she said she'd been thinking about it and was willing to tone down her complaining her situation cause when it came down to it she wouldn't want to trade....thanks for the advice....

[memyselfandcoffee]

this girl may be annoying, I can't really tell from your post, but in any case you are more than entitled to find her annoying or not like her, BUT i think its really low to stay living with someone you hate just becuase its cheap.... your in a way using her... fine you dont like her but to move in there with your boyfreind, so shes the odd one out whose disliked by two of you.. is that really fair on her? how would you like to be in that situation. I'm not saying she isn't annoying, she could be for all I know, and as I said if YOU find her annoying you should just move out.

[ktel]

this girl may be annoying, I can't really tell from your post, but in any case you are more than entitled to find her annoying or not like her, BUT i think its really low to stay living with someone you hate just becuase its cheap.... your in a way using her... fine you dont like her but to move in there with your boyfreind, so shes the odd one out whose disliked by two of you.. is that really fair on her? how would you like to be in that situation. I'm not saying she isn't annoying, she could be for all I know, and as I said if YOU find her annoying you should just move out.

Whoever said roommates have to be friends? Often roommates end up becoming friends, but they don't have to be friends or even really like each other. As long as they pay their rent and other bills on time it shouldn't matter.

[memyselfandcoffee]

as i said of course she doesnt HAVE to like her, or be friends with her, I don't like some of my flatmates ( that's putting it mildly actually), and while Im staying put this year there's no way I would live them again, I certainly wouldn't have my bf and me live with just one other person we didn't like , i think that's unfair on the other person and would probably wreak my own head too

[phonology_rocks]

this girl may be annoying, I can't really tell from your post, but in any case you are more than entitled to find her annoying or not like her, BUT i think its really low to stay living with someone you hate just becuase its cheap.... your in a way using her... fine you dont like her but to move in there with your boyfreind, so shes the odd one out whose disliked by two of you.. is that really fair on her? how would you like to be in that situation. I'm not saying she isn't annoying, she could be for all I know, and as I said if YOU find her annoying you should just move out.

She is but thats okay....That is ture, about the boyfriend thing...we will move we just haven't figured out where....and its not like I can just move now,....lease agreement....but when hes here we will have figured something out....my inital reaction was that because of the money but as soon as I spent a few weeks here I realized it was not one of my better ideas....

[juilletmercredi]

as i said of course she doesnt HAVE to like her, or be friends with her, I don't like some of my flatmates ( that's putting it mildly actually), and while Im staying put this year there's no way I would live them again, I certainly wouldn't have my bf and me live with just one other person we didn't like , i think that's unfair on the other person and would probably wreak my own head too

This depends entirely on the person. Some people are okay with that, and it's not unfair if they've agreed to it and all parties are okay with it. Living with someone you don't like because the rent is cheap isn't "using them."

OP, now that you are in your new city you have time to look for an apartment for your bf and you - and you don't necessarily have to hold yourself to a question you asked when you first moved in together. In the meanwhile, recognize that your roommate - like you - is also homesick and probably having a difficult adjustment to graduate school, and may be "annoying" because of that. Maybe cut her some slack?

[phonology_rocks]

as i said of course she doesnt HAVE to like her, or be friends with her, I don't like some of my flatmates ( that's putting it mildly actually), and while Im staying put this year there's no way I would live them again, I certainly wouldn't have my bf and me live with just one other person we didn't like , i think that's unfair on the other person and would probably wreak my own head too

This depends entirely on the person. Some people are okay with that, and it's not unfair if they've agreed to it and all parties are okay with it. Living with someone you don't like because the rent is cheap isn't "using them."

OP, now that you are in your new city you have time to look for an apartment for your bf and you - and you don't necessarily have to hold yourself to a question you asked when you first moved in together. In the meanwhile, recognize that your roommate - like you - is also homesick and probably having a difficult adjustment to graduate school, and may be "annoying" because of that. Maybe cut her some slack?

I am trying....shes a little excessive because its not getting better at all....but I've been spending less time at home...and her continual over dramatic performances (I promise this isn't an exaggeration) still bother me, but not like she used too....idk, I think I was in a bubble kinda, like I always had great roomates, as U grad varsity athlete, living with teammates was always a blast then I came here, and knew it would be differente because well its graduate but never imagined i'd have a roommate that was welll like that... but on the upside I am finding it easier to be nice to her....although it would be nice, if she was somewhat more considerate though (the noise thing is the worst of that though) ....I dunno I was extra annoyed because I was so sleep deprived when I wrote the orginal post...but in relaltiy it could be wayyy worse...

That's a good point about the bf thing though......We are still looking and will continue to look for something in the range of what we are paying now.....I guess things will keep opening up for a while now....so yeah but thanks for making that point!