Schizophrenic Partner and Little $--Reasons to Quit Grad School?

[waitinginvain?]

Hi everyone. I've been trying to make a decision about whether to stay or leave grad school, and thought I could ask some of you for advice. I am the 50 year-old mother of two daughters, both of whom live at home with me. I also have an unmedicated schizophrenic partner (ex-husband) who pays the mortgage out of his disability check (the mortgage is less than $450). He has become verbally and emotionally abusive--last night, for example, he referred to me and my daughters as motherf*ckers.   I asked him why he stays if he's so miserable--was he trying to get revenge for some reason? He said, "If I wanted revenge I would sh*t in your food!"  He also hates my mom, and has said he would like to cut her head off and sh*t down her neck. I should add that he doesn't say any of this in front of my daughters, and that he's not mean to them.

 

I'm in my first year of grad school--I'm going for an MFA in dramatic writing, with 2 1/2 years to go. Half of my tuition is waived because I'm a TA. I'm also given a stipend that comes out to a little less than $150 a week. I sell books online for an income of about $1000 a month. If my partner leaves, I don't think I can afford to stay in school without taking out loans that would cover my tuition and living expenses. But I  don't think I can put up with 2 1/2 more years of him either.

 

Getting an MFA is my dream. But it is just a pipe dream? I could sell my house--I owe less than $25,000 on it-- and repay my loans after I graduate. But at my age, I don't know if anyone would even hire me to teach. I need to make a decision soon so that I can notify the school to find a TA to replace me. Thank you for reading and offering any constructive advice.

Edited December 22, 2012 by waitinginvain?

[waitinginvain?]

I forgot to add that my student loan debt would be about $15,000. And there's the possibiltiy that I could get a 1/2 time TA-ship or another job to help pay tuition.

[Porridge]

My question is why you stay with him when obviously he treats you badly. Don't you and your daughters deserve better?

 

My advice would be to stick at grad school if this is YOUR dream.

Edited December 23, 2012 by Porridge

[1Q84]

My question is why is your ex-husband unmedicated? And why you have no say in it if he's still your partner.

 

From what I've gathered elsewhere on this forum, having a supportive partner is one of the most important things during grad school (that is, if you have a partner).

[waitinginvain?]

Thank you both for responding. He's unmedicated because he believes the medication is damaging his heart. He's seen a cardiologist who told him that wasn't the case. Still he's waiting for yet another doctor's appointment to get on yet a different medication that won't have side effects. So, by my asking him to take medication, I'm asking him to die of a heart attack (by  his logic). I haven't asked him to leave because I didn't think I could make it on my own financially. But I know I need to figure out a way to do that.

[1Q84]

Thank you both for responding. He's unmedicated because he believes the medication is damaging his heart. He's seen a cardiologist who told him that wasn't the case. Still he's waiting for yet another doctor's appointment to get on yet a different medication that won't have side effects. So, by my asking him to take medication, I'm asking him to die of a heart attack (by  his logic). I haven't asked him to leave because I didn't think I could make it on my own financially. But I know I need to figure out a way to do that.

I totally understand. One of my immediate family members suffers from a similar mental affliction that forces her to reject medicine (in her skewed logic) but in her case, it's paranoid delusional disorder. Anyway, it may not have been kosher but I was able to convince her to "try" the medicine for a bit and it was enough to alleviate the symptoms that it was easier to convince her to continue the regimen. My advice is to seek external help from whoever you can (his or your family/friends?) in order to help cope with his condition and hopefully convince him to seek treatment. I know it's easier said than done but it really sounds like he might be a major hindrance to your progress, to say nothing about the effect it must have on your girls.

 

But by all means, you should carry through with the degree. As Porridge said, it is your dream and you deserve to have it. I really don't think your age should be a barrier to you finding gainful employment somewhere in higher education and it sounds like you've gone this far already...

 

Good luck! I feel for you.

[waitinginvain?]

Thank you IQ84. I'm starting to think there are a lot of people who have a mentally ill friend or family member. Good for you for convincing yours to take medication. I hope she's grateful. By the way, I envy your major--literature! Good for you for following your passion.

[juilletmercredi]

I agree that you should pursue your passion if you want to, but it might require a little adjusting.

If your partner is mean to you and threatens you or your mom on a regular basis, then he shouldn't be your partner unless you're really devoted to helping him.  It sounds like you're just keeping him around to pay the mortgage.  Are your two daughters adults?  Can they get jobs and help pay the mortgage?  Can you apply for public assistance?  If your stipend is less than $150/week (or $600/month) I'm willing to bet that you are eligible for some form of public assistance.

At some point it may be necessary for you to take a leave of absence, but there's no shame in that, and please take it if you need it.  Many, many graduate students do.  We all need a breather.

 

But I will caution you that you should pursue this MFA because it is a passion with the full knowledge that you may not get a tenure-track job after you finish, and indeed, the odds are against you.

[waitinginvain?]

Regarding the tenure track position: I know the odds are against me getting one. But are there any other jobs I would qualify for with an MFA than without it? I know you guys don't necessarily know about theater jobs. But is it possible to teach at a community college? Thanks for your comments.

[laura_b]

If all your loans are federal loans (the ones you get offered through filling out a FAFSA), you can get an income based repayment plan. Under this plan, they only charge you what you can pay according a formula based on your income. The best part is that anything left over after 20 years is completely forgiven. If $15,000 is all you will have in loans all together, that's not bad at all. You would be more in debt than that for a new car. Is your dream worth at least as much as a Ford Focus?

[TakeruK]

If $15,000 is all you will have in loans all together, that's not bad at all. You would be more in debt than that for a new car. Is your dream worth at least as much as a Ford Focus?

 

I don't mean to derail this thread too much, or to pick on anyone, but I think this statement MAY not true / helpful for the OP to make her decision. The "cost" of finishing school is the $15,000 debt plus whatever income the OP could have made by doing something else other than school for the next 2.5 years. 

 

To the OP: When my wife attended college for film production (which includes writing for stage/film courses), some of her teachers had MFA degrees. I know it's not exactly the same situation, but something to think about. However, my wife says that it seems like the college program emphasized real work experience over education when hiring their instructors. Also, we were in Canada at that time, and when my wife was attending the program, they were at a Canadian "College", which is the equivalent of a US "Community College". I think it would be a good idea to look at some local community colleges and see what kind of background their instructors have.

[waitinginvain?]

Thank you, Laura for telling me about how the loan repayment works. I'll look into it.

 

Thank you too, takeruK. I should see what community colleges require. But I wonder if any of them would tell the truth about whether or not they hire people my age.

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

You really can't let people with their mental issues bring you and your daughters down. My mother and father had mental problems and serious drug addictions and I had to cut them off completely for the betterment of myself. His measly disability income is hurting your family more than it is helping. $15k is not THAT serious of a loan. I know people with loans over $100k. It depends on what you want to do with the MFA. If you want it to strictly be a writer then I would say you don't even need a degree to do that. If you want it to land a job teaching then you probably will need a degree. I did my first two years at a community college and I had a professor who taught composition, literature and creative writing courses and he only had a MFA. Your mortgage is hella cheap. I'm sure a TAship on your part and jobs on your two kids' parts can cover a $450 a month mortgage. I think you should do whatever you can to get your partner committed so that he can get the help he needs.

[waitinginvain?]

Thank you, JoeyBoy for putting it into perspective. I think I have a poverty mentality that makes me feel trapped and dependent.

[juilletmercredi]

To answer your original question, I think in the fine arts it's difficult to get community college jobs nowadays.  There's a lot of competition for them.  Most CCs don't have drama or dramatic writing programs, and the few that do probably have pretty fierce competition for those jobs.  The most successful ones will be people who have written plays in production and teach classes on the side.

 

If you plan an MFA in the field, your best bet is to widen your expertise.  Learn to teach intro to English composition or some rhetoric classes - anything that's a "service" class in English - and get as much teaching experience as you can without derailing your degree.