trying to rationalize my first rejection

[tiarabun]

i honestly cant speak for everyone here 

but this is my story:

 

all through my post high school adult life, i have known im good at coursework

when other student dreaded exams and assignments and presentations, i loved it

the only thing i hated was group projects cuz i didn't want to share my credits with others or let them bring down my grades

im no genius, but i do know as long as i try, i cant be that bad at something, at least with coursework

a B is the worst grade on my transcripts, and i almost cried when i got it

 

to me, school/college/university is my sanctuary (high school doesnt count cuz i was rebellious)

it gave me confidence and made me realize i could be as good as i wanna be

until i graduated with my BA and entered the "real world"

 

i loved my first two jobs, but things werent like in college

in the real world, fairness and honestly don't exist, or at least not highly valued

you cant argue with your bosses even if you know they are idiots

you cant fight for your raise like how you fight for an A 

 

in order to find my self worth, i did a coursework based MA part-time

it was tough having to balance my work life and study life, but i loved it

grad school, like college, was like a shelter to me

i loved stealing every second from my daily commute to prepare for classes, so i could kick everyone's asses

i felt smart and witty and special

 

after i graduated with my MA, i felt so lost

i only had work to prove myself but my post MA job sucked

so i quit and decided to return to the one place that i felt truly at home

i thought as long as i tried, i would get into a good program

after all, it's school, duh

professors are supposed to love me, like they always did

 

i've been rejected by employers, bosses, clients, coworkers, or boys before

rejections sucked, and i've always taken rejections really hard

the only way to cope was to tell myself "their loss, not mine"

you know what? they probably werent that good to start with anyway, whatever

 

finally, the day came when i got my first PhD rejection

my heart almost exploded when i saw the word "denied"

it may sound silly, but i actually felt a little betrayed

like the only thing that i have always counted on rejected me, telling me that i wasnt really that good, that i thought too highly of myself

 

"get on with your loser life","be a laughing stock of those who didn't want you" were what have been echoing in my head

until a thought stuck me: maybe god (or whoever that is) is using this failure to teach me a lesson

I need to accept rejections, not to dodge or dismiss rejections

perhaps at age 27, i need to come to terms with the fact that i cant always be the jewel in everyone's eyes 

and PhD isnt supposed to be a safe haven for an adult woman

maybe i have applied for the wrong reason and it creeps through my applications

 

maybe it really is a blessing in disguise

[madricka]

Tiarabun, you are awesome! So many of the same thoughts have drifted through my mind as well. I'm not sure that one rejection (as agonizing & gut-wrenching as it is) is really a blessing or a lesson. I think it just means you *will* be accepted into a WAY better program, a place you truly belong & will be valued for the skills & enthusiasm you bring. I think that the universe (or God or whoever) is just trying to gently guide you to the best place possible for you so that you can do what makes you happy. If that means being rejected from a certain school, it's part of the deal I guess. The rejection will most definitely sting for a bit, but spring always follows winter, there is more goodness to come. I know that sounds terribly cheesy and I don't mean to pat you on the back and say, "There, there, it will all work out in the end". But things DO always work out in the end, no matter what happens. And I really do think that like attracts like -- which includes nerdy academic people, if that makes any sense at all. 

When you're 90 years old, will it really matter that you were accepted to 3 schools out of 4? I think what will matter more is the fact that you didn't stick with a job you hated and went after the things you loved the most.

Remember to breathe and trust that the other schools will adore you.

 

Thanks for sharing.

[cstheory13]

we may not agree with lots of people - could be our boss, friend, family or even graduate adm committee. I think its important to understand their stand - their thought process, limitations etc. This might help us evolve in a better way. Sometimes, ofcourse it is hard.

[WakeMeUpB4UGoGo]

im from hong kong as well and i grew up with tiger parents. i used to get hit by my parents if i came home with C's in middle school. I really have empathy with how you describe being mentally attached to academic standing, like we amount to nothing in life if we dont get accepted into prestegious programs or use school to qualify our own self esteem. when i was an undergrad, my biggest fear was returning home to hong kong to take a cubicle job, as if my years in america had been wasted because i wasnt able to accomplish anything extraordinary.

 

but like you mentioned the real world isnt like that. the real world is rife with unfairness and apathy. but even still we must find our place in it. you haven't been rejected by all your schools so you could still make it yet, so don't get too down. but even if you dont get a phd slot this year, dont let that feeling devalue yourself as a person. you are a highly accomplished person already and there is a place for you in this world that will one day replace academia as the thing that fills the void in your heart. if its not where you first looked, keep looking, and enjoy yourself while you search.

 

you know that "生命滿希望,前路由我創" commercial thats been running on hong kong tv since the beginning of time? i find that today, even when im putting myself through the grad school ringer, such simple concepts still bring me comfort. hopefully it can for you as well.

Edited February 14, 2013 by WakeMeUpB4UGoGo

[margarets]

tiarabun, I appreciate your honesty.  It takes guts to put it all out there like that.  I'll bet your post will resonate with many on this board.  It does with me, and I'm 18 years older than you!

 

So, yeah, it messes with your head to hear all through your childhood how important school is, to be rewarded for doing well at school, for being smart, etc and then to find  in the adult workaday world that being smart isn't much help and might even be a hindrance!  WTF?????  You end up working with people who are  true morons, and sometimes they move up before you do!  Some of them even look down on YOU!  It's a topsy-turvy world.  You don't know what to believe in or hold onto anymore.  And then for the one place where you thought you would be valued to reject you as well.  What NOW? 

 

Of course, having family & cultural stuff in the mix only makes it harder.

 

Please be gentle with yourself and give yourself time to process this.  You have a lot invested in this path and it's only natural you would have a strong reaction to this news.

 

Now I'm going to get all parental on you (one of the few advantages of being older-ha):  Academia is not a safe haven.

 

There are toxic people, dysfunction, outright stupidity, and at least some corruption in every workplace.

I mean every. single. one.

Only the level of the dysfunction etc will vary. Sometimes you'll get lucky and find a place that isn't too bad, at least for now, but that's the best you can hope for.

Other than self-employment, which has its own hassles and headaches, the only survival strategy is to develop as thick a skin as possible and a sense of when to play nice and when to play nasty and with whom.

Cultivate as satisfying a personal life as you can. You will need it to maintain your sanity when work is really sh1t. Do not expect your job to give you any satisfaction (if/when it does, bonus!).

If at all possible, have F--- You savings that will enable you to just walk away from a job that is truly horrible. Just having that option means that every day you work at the horrible job is a choice, which is psychologically very empowering.

 

Now, you're only 27, so you are just starting to learn these lessons.  Which is totally normal - at 27 you shouldn't be as jaded and cynical as someone in their mid-40s.  So, take what you can from it, and the next time you are dealt some crappy career cards, you will be better equipped to handle it.

 

I hope the other applications work out for you.

[tiarabun]

thank you everyone. that is very very sweet to hear such kind words and encouragement. i'm so glad this community exists!

 

i guess much of my depression stems from the fact that this PhD application thing is an all or nothing process. so many of us has put our lives on hold for the past few months to wait for something to happen. so many sacrifices were made. it just stings a lot to know a good deal of time, effort and fees spent on these applications are worth nothing.

 

every time when someone asks what do i do for a living, i just get so embarrassed to tell them i'm only teaching part time to wait for my grad school acceptances. everyone seems to think with so many degrees and such awesome GPAs and awards, i should be out there making big bucks or be snapped up by any program. for a while, i thought that was what i should be doing too. I switched job right after i got my MA and became a decently paid cubicle monkey. I felt iffy on the first day of work. At first i thought i just needed sometime to adjust to a new environment. it wasn't ideal, but i was better off than many people who made only half of what i made but had to work twice as hard. 

 

a few months later, i started asking why i was even doing it? what i did was meaningless. i wasn't doing anything that will benefit mankind. i was only going to work and putting up with shit from the management for money. it was nothing like me, nothing like that straight A girl full of dreams many years ago. i decided to follow my heart and practically fired my boss.

 

i think my chances with my other two schools are pretty slim. other than having to swallow the shame of being rejected, my biggest fear is that i'll have to become a cubicle monkey again, to submit to twisted values and become the person that i've always hated. 

 

i've been sort of chillaxing for a couple of months. im glad my parents have been pretty supportive and i have a small income to pay my bills. the best thing that happened in the past months was the (re)discovery for my love for writing. i'm not an english native speaker, but when i studying journalism as an undergrad, i had a Pulitzer winning professor as my mentor. he once told me I had print in my blood (he said that means im good at writing). i didnt believe him because i was more interested in broadcasting back then. i had done non fiction writing for many years for a living. i knew i was pretty good, but i wasn't particularly passionate about it. Until a couple months ago, i became bored and angry with the stupid storyline of a TV show that i was following, so i picked up my laptop and began writing this novel. I have been writing almost every day since. I have written more than 70,000 words so far. I don't think I have ever written anything longer than 30 pages, and that was my BA honors thesis. I don't know if my novel is worthy of publishing, but i just couldnt be more proud. 

[margarets]

my biggest fear is that i'll have to become a cubicle monkey again, to submit to twisted values and become the person that i've always hated. 

 

The challenge is to pretend to submit to twisted values, but remain yourself, at least during your off-work hours.

[tiarabun]

So, yeah, it messes with your head to hear all through your childhood how important school is, to be rewarded for doing well at school, for being smart, etc and then to find  in the adult workaday world that being smart isn't much help and might even be a hindrance!  WTF?????  You end up working with people who are  true morons, and sometimes they move up before you do!  Some of them even look down on YOU!  It's a topsy-turvy world.  You don't know what to believe in or hold onto anymore.  And then for the one place where you thought you would be valued to reject you as well.  What NOW? 

 

That's exactly how i feel! you can go all parental on me. i guess i needed it cuz my parents, though loving, know NOTHING about how academia works. everything they know about school, they learned it from me. i'm the only child of middle-school educated parents. part of the reason i wanna get a PhD is to make my parents proud because i know i will never make a lot of money.

 

i do know i come across as more naive compared to friends my age. sometimes i dont even know if thats a good thing or bad thing. I have friends who didn't go to college being much more accomplished than me right now. some make good money doing sales jobs, some are married, some have kids. whenever i tell them how much i hated the "real world", they just shrug and tell me that's is how it is and i need to suck it up.

 

i thought they just didnt know better, but now im starting to think they are the ones who have figured it out literally a decade ago when i was still living in fantasyland 

[St Andrews Lynx]

Try your hardest not to take the rejections as a criticism of you. You as a person are awesome, intelligent and talented. They rejected a piece of paper, not you.

I understand where you're coming from, since rejections across the board happened to me last time around. Parents didn't necessarily understand, life felt as if it was on hold. 

Just remember (if you chose to re-apply next year or put grad school plans on hold) that you do not have to be stuck in a cubicle for the rest of your life. You also don't have to "suck up" and submit to difficult people, learn the tricks to manage them or start a dialogue. Difficult people are easy to deal with when you know what makes them tick.

 

Treat the rejections as a learning curve. Good luck with everything.

[Soleil ت]

I hit my up-vote quota, but I want you to know I appreciate and fully (like 110%) understand your feelings on school and the safety, happiness and empowerment it can make you feel. Your passion will take you far. Honestly, I applied to grad school because 'school is my home.' I dont really know what I'm doing; I'm winging everything since I'm the first in my family to graduate college and apply for grad school. All I know is that it's right for me, and it will happen because I want it to.

[DarlingNikki]

It's amazing how closely my sentiments are echoed in these comments. Indeed, I know what it feels like to be the first in your family to attend college; to be driven and molded from childhood to higher education; and to be comfortable with school and aware of that area as the place you excel. Coincidentally, today was the day I received my first rejection. It really is a hard pill to swallow. However, I ask you to be sober and maintain your optimism. There's no rhyme or rhythm to the acceptance process. You are, however, worthy of admission and will be accepted to the school suited for you.

Sending good vibes in the universe for all in our situation.

[veggiez]

When I got my first rejection, I cried and cried and my boyfriend responded in a way that may not be comforting for everyone, but definitely was for me. I applied to 12 schools and he said, "Well you didn't expect to get into every one did you?" 

 

The point is, there is a reason you applied to more than one school. We know the odds are not good for us to apply to a school and get in, so one rejection really shouldn't hurt that much. If you don't get in anywhere, that's one thing, but you applied to multiple schools because you expect to get rejected from some.

[VBD]

Things happen for a reason. I truly believe that a rejection IS a blessing in disguise, like your path to a PhD doesn't lie at UT but rather elsewhere. I was glad to have gotten rejections last year (this is round two for me) for so many reasons. I'm sure you'll find one. Plus it isn't the end of the world or application season for that matter. Best of luck for your two remaining applications!

[DarlingNikki]

The point is, there is a reason you applied to more than one school. We know the odds are not good for us to apply to a school and get in, so one rejection really shouldn't hurt that much. If you don't get in anywhere, that's one thing, but you applied to multiple schools because you expect to get rejected from some.

 

True, but this is the part that scares/worries me. It's a snap back into reality!