Grad school and long-term romantic relationships

[ZacharyBinks]

I know this is a bit off topic from the rest of the threads, but I was wondering how many people are in a similar situation as I am. I'm applying for literature PhD programs and my partner is applying for MA programs in I/O psychology. We've been dating for about 2.5 years and our relationship has made the application process even more stressful. We both applied to upwards of ten schools and we tried to apply to schools in the same area (since it's hard to find schools that have both a good psych and lit program) which limited some great options. Now that we're starting to hear back from places it's even more stressful because we have to start making decisions about where we want to go: if we don't get into schools near each other do we risk going long-distance? Should one person compromise if the other gets into a really great program? Should one of us take time off and try applying once the other is finished? The questions keep compounding and I was wondering if anyone is dealing with similar issues. I've noticed from some peoples' comments that many applicants also are in long-term relationships, so I figured this might be a common issue.

[thatjewishgirl]

Yes. I empathize with you on all that. My husband has two funded offers and and I am currently only waitlisted at one program. (I was rejected from one program he applied to and was rejected from a school in the area of the other he got in to)

 

We have already acknowledged that we will most likely live separately. IF I get in somewhere, I will only pick a place close to his school. If it is too far away, I am turning it down. May or may not ever apply again. I'm also up for a tenure track teaching job in our home state. So if I get it I may just stay here and wait until he is finished.

 

It IS hard on a relationship. I get mad every time he gets good news because I don't have any. I realize it is unfair... but whatever, this is a stressful process!

 

I don't have any advice for you! I guess it depends on your unique situation. I just love being a teacher, and have already acknowledged that I may die an adjunct. So if my husband has a chance at an actual job, I'm willing to give up my phd dreams for that.

 

 

Ahhhhh!!! You are from OK, too????? And a Victorianist?? Me too! Why aren't we friends?!

Edited February 27, 2013 by thatjewishgirl

[AurantiacaStella]

This is really an individual thing, and I have to say that you two really just have to talk out what each of you is willing to sacrifice. My fiance (not an academic) and I are not willing to live apart, and he was very clear with me that he wanted to live closer to his family for the next few years because he has a few older/sick relatives. So, I limited my search to a certain geographical area. It's all about compromise! It was much more important for me to live together with my fiance in a place that would make him (and thus both of us) happy than to exhaust all my grad school options by applying all over the place. So, basically, you just have to talk about it and be willing to compromise if you want your relationship to last.

[movingeast]

I have been with my partner for nine years and we have two children. He applied to PhD programs in History; we applied to three schools together (17 between us, total). He was rejected by one that has given me a funded offer, I was rejected from the second program (he hasn't heard back yet), and we both are waiting to hear back from the last. As thatjewishgirl said, it is really tricky, and I feel bad, almost, that I have gotten acceptances and he hasn't gotten one yet. However, hearing back from programs, even with bad news, has helped us prepare for the move we will be making. We cannot fathom living apart, and our children would suffer most if we did, I think. That being said, the one program we are both waiting on is the one I am least interested in, and I would probably end up attending a university that gave me a funded offer that is 4 hours away. At that point, if he got in to the institution I am less interested in, we would need to figure out how a crazy commute will work in our lives.

 

These discussions have LITERALLY been my life for the past month. What-ifs are utterly pointless to me yet they've been addicting conversation starters.

 

The beauty of applying to multiple places together, though, is that he has a guaranteed network of graduate students and faculty at the institution I will likely be going to. Our hope is that, worse comes to worst, he can take some classes non-matriculated and get into the program that way. At the very least, he be able to take classes that interest him and find a job outside of academia (I have held a full-time job for the past four years- he has been the one in school) and explore the world a little more. So, even if I am the only one going to school, we're thinking it's win-win at this point. 

 

It's been a rough and interesting (and expensive!) application process for us both. We moved for his MA and he feels obligated we move for my PhD, but he is far more attached to academia than I...so I don't know! I am interested to hear other's stories and situations.

 

Good luck to you. As AurantiacaStella said, it's about compromise...

[Fishbucket]

What about being single in grad school? This is also traumatic.

[asleepawake]

What about being single in grad school? This is also traumatic.

 

I think it means we'll be single 4ever.

Edited February 27, 2013 by asleepawake

[skybythelight]

My boyfriend of a little over a year and I are planning on moving together if I'm accepted to a program. He is not in academia, and his current position in a corporation allows him to transfer quite easily, so there's at least some job stability for him while he figures out what he wants to do in the long-term. He basically just asked me to apply to cities that had a Whole Foods he could transfer to. Obviously, that's a pretty wide range of places, but it did limit me some. I was accepted to Washington State University's MA program last year with a TA-ship, full funding and stipend. I turned it down for various reasons, and was more or less told that I would be given the same offer again should I choose to reapply this year... I didn't, because there is nothing for my boyfriend in Pullman, Washington. It's hard sometimes, especially as I've faced nothing but rejection so far this season, to know that I gave up a fairly sure thing. But I can't imagine living apart from him, we're not long distance people, and I could never forgive myself for dragging him somewhere he would be unhappy and bored.

The schools I applied to this year are in locations that I hope will be interesting and fun for both of us. It's hard, though, not to feel like I'm kind of in control of some major life decisions for us right now. Compromise and partnership is very important to me, and I worry that he'll end up feeling like he's just following me, if that makes sense.

[ZacharyBinks]

Yes. I empathize with you on all that. My husband has two funded offers and and I am currently only waitlisted at one program. (I was rejected from one program he applied to and was rejected from a school in the area of the other he got in to)

 

We have already acknowledged that we will most likely live separately. IF I get in somewhere, I will only pick a place close to his school. If it is too far away, I am turning it down. May or may not ever apply again. I'm also up for a tenure track teaching job in our home state. So if I get it I may just stay here and wait until he is finished.

 

It IS hard on a relationship. I get mad every time he gets good news because I don't have any. I realize it is unfair... but whatever, this is a stressful process!

 

I don't have any advice for you! I guess it depends on your unique situation. I just love being a teacher, and have already acknowledged that I may die an adjunct. So if my husband has a chance at an actual job, I'm willing to give up my phd dreams for that.

 

 

Ahhhhh!!! You are from OK, too????? And a Victorianist?? Me too! Why aren't we friends?!

 

Your situation sounds a lot more stressful than mine. I feel for you I'm glad that my boyfriend is studying something completely different, because otherwise it would feel like a competition, I think. I hope everything goes well with you!

 

Where in OK do you live?! I'm not technically FROM Oklahoma; I am from Nebraska, but I'm studying at the University of Tulsa for my undergrad. 

[thatjewishgirl]

Yes, it is stressful, but I have tried not to let it destroy me. He actually got into Nebraska, so we (or at least him) will be moving there. I'm the one who got him into English in the first place. When we started dating, he was a philosopher. So hopefully your situation will work out since you guys do different things! Have any of your prospects overlapped yet? Do you still have some options that might?

 

I live in Oklahoma City. I did my BA at Oklahoma State in Stillwater and my MA at the Univ. of Central OK in Edmond. I am trapped in adjunct hell at a few schools in the metro. I assumed you must be in Tulsa -- I'm not necessarily the queen of central Oklahoma or anything, but I thought I knew all the Victorianists in the area! Do you like Tulsa? Do you ever get over to OKC?

[Two Espressos]

What about being single in grad school? This is also traumatic.

 

Yes, I for one am happy to move to a new area and possibly start dating again... I've been single for an embarrassingly long time.  There are practically no gay guys here. 

[yellow.wallpaper]

I understand you completely. This application process is beyond stressful and living five to eight years away from each other doesn't seem plausible at all. Still, we both agreed that this was my dream ever since I was a kid and I couldn't compromise my future because of him. He applied to some schools near me (NY/Massachusetts), but he hasn't heard back from them and neither have I. I'm getting antsy because the only program that has accepted me thus far is UW-Madison and I'm from Puerto Rico which will make traveling expenses hard on us. 

 

I'm sure he'll get in at the Master's program at the University of Puerto Rico and/or Law School, but I just wish the future was clear enough. This is beyond hard. I'm not a fan of long-distance relationships, but I'm scared that this is what will, most likely, happen to us.

[Vertigo23]

I sympathize. My partner (now fiance) and I applied to programs at the same time, she in creative writing and I in lit. She ended up at Houston and I ended up at Utah. We've been long-distancing for a year-and-a-half now. Needless to say, we spend a lot of time on skype. It's very difficult, but also quite doable. It will certainly test a relationship

Edited February 28, 2013 by Vertigo23

[cougarstigers!]

i'm so glad to hear that this discussion has finally broken -- i've been wanting to say something since i've started

lurking around here, because these conversations are the bread & butter & hope and woe of my partner & i's existence,

as well.

 

my partner and i both applied this year -- me for a PhD. in english, and my partner is in another humanities field -- to the same

nine programs. my partner wasn't as absolutely keen on applying this year as i was -- he could just as well have waited a few

more years -- but we decided to go for it, on the condition we'd try our darndest to go together, and knowing, full well, the odds.

 

i've had an incredibly, humblingly lucky season, and have several options, and my partner has a few, as well. we're very lucky, too, because, blessedly, two of these overlap -- in at two of the same places! one of the programs is very much a top choice for both of us, which i am constantly thankful for.

 

still, it makes the consideration process sort of tricky -- i'm thrilled about a number of the places i've been accepted, and have one other offer that i am VERY deeply and strongly considering, to which my partner has not been admitted. (worse yet: he really only applied because of me; his department there doesn't really do his sort of work at all, so we wonder about how much hope there would be for him to become accepted or find a home there in the future.) i'm torn about faculty fit, and think that this other place may well be a FANTASTIC program for me -- but, of all the schools to which we applied, it couldn't be FARTHER apart from the school that my partner will most likely attend. one logical argument, of course, would be to just SIGN THE HECK UP for that other equally fantastic, but different, program, where my partner & i could happily co-habit, co-study, co-cook, and continue our shared-time-&-space partnership!

 

the most difficult thing, i've realized, is giving each program my full attention and a fair hearing, even with the terrible worry and anxiety tearing at my heart, that to GO to one of these programs would mean being apart from the person i love the most, and the person with whom i want to have this experience.

 

it's difficult too, because the importance of having a happy and stable life, collaborative best-friend around, and a vibrant support system doesn't get emphasized enough in any of these discussions. i've mentioned our situations to a few of my prospective programs, but mostly, i'm struck by a worry that letting on that things other than programmatic considerations will or may, ultimately, play into my final decision is somehow an 'unprofessional,' immature or condemnable gesture. i know it's not, and i know, too, that i don't necessarily have to let everyone in on what all i'm thinking thru as i navigate this process; but the feeling of partnership's tough suit for the realities of academic life hasn't waned ...

 

i'm visiting two of my schools, at present -- i'd absolutely love to visit more, but i have several jobs and can't really get away any more than i've already scheduled to. i'm hoping that these visits will help to clarify. i admire all of you with the courage to go it long-term, long-distance -- my partner & i have done it once before, but i'm not sure, after living together as we have for the past year, i'll really want to go back to that. AT ALL.

 

(still, though, from talking around, it does seem that some programs allow/encourage domestic 'study abroad' or exchanges with partner institutions; that summer research funding could land co-academic partners in similar places; or that it's definitely possible, in dissertating years -- with some sacrifice, i'd suppose, of departmental culture & access to peer/cohort/faculty resources, local libraries & archives, &c. -- to find a mutual, or even, two homes somewhere. that doesn't, for the most part, make the thought any easier though, now does it?)

 

 

excited to hear the ideas that come out from this, even if it's just folks bein' sweet & supporting each other as we all try to

feel our way through this. it's strange that such an exciting, blessed moment can also be filled with so much heartache.

i guess that's the way some of the true things really are.

 

 

 

 

for now -- I FEEL YA.

[ZacharyBinks]

Yes, it is stressful, but I have tried not to let it destroy me. He actually got into Nebraska, so we (or at least him) will be moving there. I'm the one who got him into English in the first place. When we started dating, he was a philosopher. So hopefully your situation will work out since you guys do different things! Have any of your prospects overlapped yet? Do you still have some options that might?

 

I live in Oklahoma City. I did my BA at Oklahoma State in Stillwater and my MA at the Univ. of Central OK in Edmond. I am trapped in adjunct hell at a few schools in the metro. I assumed you must be in Tulsa -- I'm not necessarily the queen of central Oklahoma or anything, but I thought I knew all the Victorianists in the area! Do you like Tulsa? Do you ever get over to OKC?

 

Well we both got accepted to TU, but we've both also received better offers, so staying in Tulsa is like our back-up-back-up. He might be getting an acceptance to Wright State, which is only about an hour from Ohio State, so that would be awesome! Otherwise, we are both still waiting to hear back from about 8 schools each. I hope everything works out well for you! UNL is a good school and Lincoln is a nice city.

 

Did you like UCO? I was just there the other week for a college LGBT summit and it seemed like a pretty nice school!

[ZacharyBinks]

I understand you completely. This application process is beyond stressful and living five to eight years away from each other doesn't seem plausible at all. Still, we both agreed that this was my dream ever since I was a kid and I couldn't compromise my future because of him. He applied to some schools near me (NY/Massachusetts), but he hasn't heard back from them and neither have I. I'm getting antsy because the only program that has accepted me thus far is UW-Madison and I'm from Puerto Rico which will make traveling expenses hard on us. 

 

I'm sure he'll get in at the Master's program at the University of Puerto Rico and/or Law School, but I just wish the future was clear enough. This is beyond hard. I'm not a fan of long-distance relationships, but I'm scared that this is what will, most likely, happen to us.

 

I'm starting to feel the same way about my relationship. We still have a lot of schools to hear back from, but I don't think many of mine will be acceptances (he's applying for an MA so he'll get into way more than me). I really don't want to do the whole long-distance thing, even if it's for only two years. But if it comes down to that or pursuing my PhD then I don't know.

[dmmar]

I recently asked one of my professors how academics marry/have relationships, and his answer was basically: very carefully/it's always difficult. He's in a good situation because his wife is a graphic designer who works from home, and thus isn't anchored to any particular location.

 

My fiance and I are getting married this summer, and this season we both applied to graduate programs. I'm going for a PhD in English; he's going for a MFA in play writing. We tried to do what other people here have tried—applying to the same schools, or schools in the same areas. Our acceptances haven't really lined up that way, though. 

 

Before we applied anywhere, we talked about it, and tried to think of some worst case scenario options. Living apart wasn't a consideration. Since I'm finishing up my MA right now, he was wonderful enough to say that if we couldn't go to school at the same time, that I could go first, and he would follow me wherever we ended up, and maybe apply to programs again later. 

 

We live in Ann Arbor, and since I received an acceptance from U of M, our considerations in this decision have changed a bit, because now we can actually include factors like staying where we are, being close to family and friends, etc. This seems like a better position than moving somewhere new so I can do a PhD, and him not having anything in whatever the new place is—here, he can keep his job, stay in his theater group, and maintain all the other things he has here and won't be totally uprooted. 

 

I haven't made my final decision yet—I'm still going on campus visits because I want to make sure U of M is the right choice for my studies (although I'm kind of sure it is anyway), but the option to stay here for both of us is really strong.

[sleepinglessons]

I recently asked one of my professors how academics marry/have relationships, and his answer was basically: very carefully/it's always difficult.

 

And it's especially difficult for two academics to maintain a marriage :/ I had a professor whose wife, a history (? actually, maybe it was French or another language) professor, was turned down for a position at my school. After some time of long-distance marriage, he moved across the country to take a position where his wife was teaching.

[antecedent]

I'm doing a one year masters in Scotland and my boyfriend of 3 years is back in Vancouver. It sucks, but with Skype and Viber and a few well-timed visits it's been doable. I'm restricting my PhD applications next year to programs in western North America to be as close to him and and my family and his family as possible, but it's hard to find a good compromise. Luckily, after 4,000 miles, anything closer feels like it will be a piece of cake

 

My mentor from my undergrad lived in Vancouver, and had been married for 25 years to her husband who was also a tenured prof...in South Carolina! She once turned to me after getting off the phone with her husband in her office and said, smiling sweetly, "Don't fall in love in grad school." Apparently they met in the library at UC Berkeley, which is romantic I guess

[cougarstigers!]

ugh, you guyyyys. when does it get any easier!

[Ategenos]

ugh, you guyyyys. when does it get any easier!

 

When we're dead. ;P

[ComeBackZinc]

Not to add to anybody's stress, but I will say that your perception of your U's town can have a lot to do with whether you're single or in a relationship. When I came to Lafayette I had a girlfriend, and I was always thinking, great college town, lots of bars and restaurants. And now that I'm single, I'm saying, boy, this town is slow.

[ghijklmn]

You guys! I too am in this boat, but have just now gotten some surprising (good) news. So my partner applied mostly to schools in Europe and a couple in Canada that were long shots. Like, 5 spots for 300 applicants for a Master's. But he got into a school in Ontario that's within driving distance from one of my acceptances! (Well, if you consider 6.5 hours drivable... I do, since we were looking at a Transatlantic relationship for awhile.) 

 

On the flip side, the school that's close (ish) to him has been at the bottom of my three acceptances... so many hard decisions ahead, ugh.