Anyone faced with the dilemma of not accepting the offers?

[Raoliteri]

Hello fellow candidates:

 

I applied to two schools for a PhD position and I was accepted at both. I was ecstatic at first, thinking of what would be the better option for me, but then the more I was analyzing and thinking, the less enthusiastic I became. Now I am at a point of rethinking the whole idea and asking myself whether I should accept an offer at all. I would be coming from outside the US, and thinking that it would be almost impossible to travel back home in the first couple of years (or more) given the course load and other work (TA, RA, research, conference articles...), makes me very anxious about committing to such long-term obligation, and I certainly wouldn't want to let anybody down at the department (and myself as well) by withdrawing or not giving my best. Perhaps this is just an initial panic or intimidation of the unknown, but I am becoming more anxious and I am trying to think as clearly as possible what my priorities are at this moment. Something tells me that applying to two schools and being accepted at both is a chance that must not be missed, perhaps the last one since I am in my late 30s (this alone adding to my dilemmas, perhaps I am too old to again start a new life in another country?). Therefore, my main fear is whether I would be able to make it work over such a long period, and family is very important to me. I'd be devastated if I lost a member of family while abroad and not be able to return for a fair amount of time. 

 

Anyone else facing similar dilemmas or fears? Any good piece of advice? Thanks a lot.

[MacZeeZee]

I suggest you look up the phenomenon known as "The Approach / Avoidance Conflict".  Just knowing this little tidbit about human behavior has allowed me to say "Yes" and "Why the Heck Not" to MANY more opportunities. 

 

Essentially, it refers to the fact that every major life event has both negative and positive attributes; for example, going to a PhD program will provide for numerous opportunities, it will enrich your life, let you meet new people....but it will also take you away from your home country, your family, not allow you to make very much money for a while, etc.  When a certain event (like starting grad school) is farther away, the positive aspects seems more relevant -- you tend to only think of the benefits. But as you actually get closer to having that goal become realized, the negative suddenly jump to the forefront of your mind. You begin to worry about how much you will miss out on, and you panic. 

 

For me, just realizing that these feelings are COMPLETELY normal and rational (even adaptive!), has helped me to see that these negative thoughts don't necessarily mean I should not move forward. They are just my anxieties coming to the surface, ready to be vanquished :-)

 

Hope it helps!  

[Raoliteri]

I suggest you look up the phenomenon known as "The Approach / Avoidance Conflict".  Just knowing this little tidbit about human behavior has allowed me to say "Yes" and "Why the Heck Not" to MANY more opportunities. 

 

Essentially, it refers to the fact that every major life event has both negative and positive attributes; for example, going to a PhD program will provide for numerous opportunities, it will enrich your life, let you meet new people....but it will also take you away from your home country, your family, not allow you to make very much money for a while, etc.  When a certain event (like starting grad school) is farther away, the positive aspects seems more relevant -- you tend to only think of the benefits. But as you actually get closer to having that goal become realized, the negative suddenly jump to the forefront of your mind. You begin to worry about how much you will miss out on, and you panic. 

 

For me, just realizing that these feelings are COMPLETELY normal and rational (even adaptive!), has helped me to see that these negative thoughts don't necessarily mean I should not move forward. They are just my anxieties coming to the surface, ready to be vanquished :-)

 

Hope it helps!  

Thanks much, it does. I know rationally that such thoughts are a distraction and a source of all kinds of anxieties to kick in. I guess a coping technique would be to disrupt such negative thoughts or anxieties by making a break from deliberation, taking a walk or doing some exercise to clear your mind, or even taking a break of a day or two on trying to decide, and then getting back to weighing things out. It could be a longer process, taking days, but it helps. I still haven't made my decision, but I am closer to making it.

Edited March 13, 2013 by Raoliteri

[Pretty_Penny]

I feel exactly the same way! I mostly applied to schools near the state where I've always lived, but only got accepted to the two schools I applied to that are the farthest away. One is a top 5 program, and I would feel badly turning them both down, especially after all the hard work I (and my letter writers) put in. That being said, I'm suddenly being flooded with a ton of doubts... I won't be able to go home and see my family, I won't be able to keep up with all the work, I won't do well enough, There won't be any jobs for me when I graduate, etc. It's getting to be very overwhelming!

[Raoliteri]

I feel exactly the same way! I mostly applied to schools near the state where I've always lived, but only got accepted to the two schools I applied to that are the farthest away. One is a top 5 program, and I would feel badly turning them both down, especially after all the hard work I (and my letter writers) put in. That being said, I'm suddenly being flooded with a ton of doubts... I won't be able to go home and see my family, I won't be able to keep up with all the work, I won't do well enough, There won't be any jobs for me when I graduate, etc. It's getting to be very overwhelming!

I have been reading about Approach-Avodiance conflict and it is exactly what we are experiencing. Whether the anxieties and the fear of such a dramatic change would dominate and lead to perpetually negative feelings, or the positive aspects would prevail. Maybe it's also a personality trait, but I am not a psychologist and I am not sure whether it's wise to make deep analysis over this at a time when we need to concentrate on deciding. Still, it doesn't hurt to know that such a phenomenon exists and informing ourselves better can only be beneficial to understanding what's going on with us. I guess you should give yourself some time and try to do things unrelated to your decision-making process, so that things could become clearer. I still have a few weeks to make up my mind on one offer, and until April 15 on the other. It's crucial not to panic and be overwhelmed with negative feelings, and if such occur, just take a break and start doing something pleasant - watch a film, exercise, or go out with friends and relax. Perhaps tomorrow you'll look at everything from a different perspective.

[Lulubelle]

I've felt the same way, and even more specifically, I have a similar conundrum as Shmanks. The two schools that appear to be options -- still waiting on assistantship news -- are the farthest away, and in the time that I'd had to think about it, I'd gotten really excited about moving closer to home. But then they weren't options anymore. 

 

I think also as someone who has a career in another field already, I know that I don't HAVE to go to school. It's not like when you graduate college and have to go somewhere, whether it's a job or school or whatever. So, it definitely is a decision of whether to go at all, not just between a few programs.

[nackteziege]

Yes, this is very me.

I have some truly great options.  My initial plans kind of fell through though, and now I'm left panicking over whether or not I want a PhD career or if I actually just was going to stay in school because it was comfortable.

[TeaGirl]

When I first left home and traveled I felt the same way. I was very close to just forgetting about the whole thing and avoiding it because of the fear of leaving my family behind, fear of being alone, fear of not making it. I don't know what pushed me or exactly how I found the inner strength to overcome the fear. Maybe it was my parents who saw my reluctance and basically kicked me out of the "nest." In any case, I'm extremely grateful I didn't give into it.

I decided then that I would never make decisions based on fear of the unknown.

 

I think what you have to determine is if being near your family is more important than pursuing a PhD, or is it that you're afraid of being far away from them? Are you choosing to forget about a PhD because you don't want one and have rationally weighed the pros and cons, or because you're afraid of not succeeding or you've convinced yourself you're too old (you're NOT!!)

 

There's a big difference in the thought process and how satisfied you'll be in life with your decisions afterward.

[geitost]

Being in a very similar situation, I have had most of these thoughts as well! I am essentially doing what MacZeeZee suggested (although I didn't know there was a scientific term for that phenomenon!) and am trying to ignore my doubts. I tend to worry too much about everything in general, and I have been in so many situations where I was starting to regret decisions I had previously made (and quite enthusiastically too!). Fortunately, I never backed out of any of them and all experiences ended up being great, rewarding and enriching, so I am not going to listen to my doubts this time around either

 

Of course there is always a danger that things don't work out the way you had hoped, that you may not be successful or that you may have a rough time. I don't know if it's just me, but it always give me some strange sort of comfort to know that I can quit if I really can't do it anymore. You're not selling your body and soul to the university for the entire duration of the PhD program, and if for whatever reason you decide to not follow through with the whole thing, then you can get out. To me at least it's better to try (and not follow through) than to not even attempt something for fear of what may happen. I am sure that I would regret not starting the PhD program more than I would dropping out if I absolutely could not handle it. At least that way I would know that (as opposed to wonder if) a PhD is not for me - and I still would have gained knowledge and experience in the process.

 

As for going back home and visiting my family - I have my mind firmly set on making time for that. And if that means taking a little longer to complete the program, then so be it.

[Raoliteri]

As for going back home and visiting my family - I have my mind firmly set on making time for that. And if that means taking a little longer to complete the program, then so be it.

I think it makes much sense in what you're saying, and I share your views in that we don't sell our souls and bodies and that we can at least try. But in weighing the pros and cons, every situation is different, obviously since every person's history is unique. In my situation, since I am coming from abroad and since I need to make basically a life decision, the pros and cons are at a stalemate right now. Unlike the US citizens, my visa will be valid for the duration of the stipend. When (and if) I finish, I will be much older, and given the immigration laws and from what I could gather, foreign nationals are not easily sponsored by companies for work visas, especially if there are tons of equally qualified Americans (I'm in the social sciences, not in engineering or CS where chances of foreign nationals getting a job in the US are much greater). So, if I do decide to take the opportunity and at least try, I should try seriously, not with the intent to give up. And trying seriously means that at least I should put in all the effort I can in at least completing the courses and examinations and then decide whether it is for me or not. That means I won't be able to take time off and go back home in case of emergency, because my stipend is conditioned upon my progress, and has clearly time constraints. So, yes, each one of us has to weigh the pros and cons differently and look a bit further into the future. For me personally, the goal at this moment looks equally attractive and repellent, and obviously I need to do more research on every detail, whether it is about living in the US after the degree, or whether it is likely to complete the whole thing in 4 years, and if not, then worry about funding and visa issues, etc. I congratulate those who were able to overcome their fears and do the right thing. I am still not there.

[geitost]

I think it makes much sense in what you're saying, and I share your views in that we don't sell our souls and bodies and that we can at least try. But in weighing the pros and cons, every situation is different, obviously since every person's history is unique. In my situation, since I am coming from abroad and since I need to make basically a life decision, the pros and cons are at a stalemate right now. Unlike the US citizens, my visa will be valid for the duration of the stipend. When (and if) I finish, I will be much older, and given the immigration laws and from what I could gather, foreign nationals are not easily sponsored by companies for work visas, especially if there are tons of equally qualified Americans (I'm in the social sciences, not in engineering or CS where chances of foreign nationals getting a job in the US are much greater). So, if I do decide to take the opportunity and at least try, I should try seriously, not with the intent to give up. And trying seriously means that at least I should put in all the effort I can in at least completing the courses and examinations and then decide whether it is for me or not. That means I won't be able to take time off and go back home in case of emergency, because my stipend is conditioned upon my progress, and has clearly time constraints. So, yes, each one of us has to weigh the pros and cons differently and look a bit further into the future. For me personally, the goal at this moment looks equally attractive and repellent, and obviously I need to do more research on every detail, whether it is about living in the US after the degree, or whether it is likely to complete the whole thing in 4 years, and if not, then worry about funding and visa issues, etc. I congratulate those who were able to overcome their fears and do the right thing. I am still not there.

 

I hear you! I am an international applicant in the social sciences as well, and I too am worried about maybe being too old by the time I graduate and how difficult it may be to find a job. Maybe I am a bit more relaxed now because I already got my master's degree in the U.S. a few years back, and so I have a bit of an idea of what awaits me. By no means did I want to suggest that I go into the whole thing with the intention of giving up. I take my PhD ambitions very seriously, like I do almost everything in life because I am an unbearable perfectionist  But for some strange reason it is comforting for me to know that this decision is not completely irreversible and that there is a way out if I can't go on. That actually strengthens my confidence if that makes sense... And please don't think I was trying to downplay the inner struggle you are fighting out - I was just sharing how I deal with my very similar thoughts.

[Raoliteri]

I hear you! I am an international applicant in the social sciences as well, and I too am worried about maybe being too old by the time I graduate and how difficult it may be to find a job. Maybe I am a bit more relaxed now because I already got my master's degree in the U.S. a few years back, and so I have a bit of an idea of what awaits me. By no means did I want to suggest that I go into the whole thing with the intention of giving up. I take my PhD ambitions very seriously, like I do almost everything in life because I am an unbearable perfectionist  But for some strange reason it is comforting for me to know that this decision is not completely irreversible and that there is a way out if I can't go on. That actually strengthens my confidence if that makes sense... And please don't think I was trying to downplay the inner struggle you are fighting out - I was just sharing how I deal with my very similar thoughts.

No, of course I didn't think you were playing it down. This is a forum where each person can share their experiences and enrich our understanding of how people are coping, what they are thinking, etc. It's very helpful. I did my MA in the US as well, but not so recently. So, going back to school and committing to 5 years at this time of my life makes it an extremely difficult decision to make, since I may well have to return and do the same job I am doing already. Maybe my career would turn around completely, we can never know that. I am simply trying to find rationale so that the attractive part of the goal would prevail, as opposed to the repelling one. I am still wavering - at moments I think I am close to making a decision to go, and then the very next day I am thinking - no, it's not going to work out. It's exhausting and I am tired of it. I decided to give myself another break from deciding, so perhaps when everything settles in some days I'd feel less hesitant. I have about two weeks to make up my mind so I will have to eventually make a decision.