Possibly declining an ofter after I accepted it -- really terrible?

[Janie M.]

Oops! Typo in the headline of that post. *I meant "OFFER"*

 

Hello again, everyone,

 

I posted a very long dilemma (concerning WHICH of two schools I should choose to attend) yesterday, but I have a more specific problem now. I will try to make it brief.

 

I applied to two masters program in the same field this year. I applied to School A (I called this one B in the original post, for anyone who read that one) as it had a much earlier deadline, since I was applying for a particular assistantship covering 100% of tuition. Anyway, I learned that I was accepted to A only a month after I applied. I did not, however, receive the assistantship, which was one of the main reasons I chose this particular school to apply to. I was placed on the waiting list for it, but it mostly likely it isn't going to happen.

 

Since this was my first time applying to grad school, I wasn't really aware of the specific policies pertaining to accepting and declining admissions. The original acceptance email (a letter followed) did not seem super formal, nor did it list any dates in which I had to respond by. I probably should've researched this issue further, but since I was excited by this news, I just immediately followed the link in the email to enroll. I was somehow under the impression that if I didn't respond immediately, I would just lose my spot. I had no idea until recently that students have until April 15 to decide (I think, that is). I am not sure if this policy pertains to accepting just general admission offers as well as financial aid packages (if someone knows about the policy, that would be very helpful). So, I did officially enroll here, but things seem a bit laid back (at least compared to the other school). I mean, I didn't even have to send a deposit.

 

About a month later, I received admission to the other school I applied to. I wasn't really expecting to get into this particular school, so I was a bit surprised. I have not enrolled here yet. The letter simply states that I need to send my deposit by April 15. It did not state that I need to respond in any other way in order to accept general admission, so I'm assuming they take people's deposit receipt as a statement of general intent to enroll.

 

I am very torn between these two schools (see earlier post if you like). I haven't been to visit either one, but have visits planned in the next few weeks. I will be taking a tour and sitting in on a class at B next week, as it is closer to where I live. The following week, I am supposed to attend a formal dinner here with other accepted students of my program and faculty (I had no idea this event was going to take place). I tried to schedule a visit to A the following week, but this time was inconvenient to the department. So, I agreed to go only a week before the April 15 deadline, as this was the only time the faculty chair could meet with me. I am sure I will have a much better understanding of which school I would like to attend once I actually sit in on classes and get a real feel for how things work at each school.

 

However, I will only will able to let one of the schools know that I will not be attending the program possibly only a few days before the decision deadline. Am I doing something terribly morally wrong by taking up so much of admissions, faculty and other staff's time to just turn them down in the long run? I am absolutely riddled with guilt over this dilemma. I didn't expect for this situation to occur. In retrospect, it obviously would have been a lot smarter if I had visited each school BEFORE I even applied, since I am so indecisive, but I didn't have the money to fly to School A until very recently. Also, I attempted to try to visit around the first of April (so I could decide sooner) but the school said this would be a bad time on its end. I feel sick knowing that I will have to decline one on such short notice and especially after all the time everyone at each school has spent accomodating me.

 

Also, what is the proper etiquette if I decide to decline A (the one I technically enrolled in -- without a deposit though)? I do not know what my funding/financial aid package will be from either school. B does offer fellowships, which all students are automatically considered for simply upon admission. It is unlikely that I will receive the full scholarship from A, which I am on the waiting list for. I guess I can always just use financial reasons as my excuse. If one school did offer me a significant grant, I may honestly just have to go with that one as I already have serious debt issues.

 

Is anyone else in a similar position? Is it really that horrendous that I decline A after I've enrolled, been to visit, sat in on a class, etc? I truly did not intend for this predicament to occur and I hate inconveniencing people in any way. Oh, also would it be super awkward and inappropriate if I just flat out admitted to each school that I am considering another school? Would this be inappropriate and also self destructive? I have a problem with being OVERLY honest in situations like these because I feel guilty.

 

Anyway, what do people think? Thank you!! 

Edited March 22, 2013 by Janie M.

[bamafan]

I will try to make it brief.

 

You did not succeed.

 

 

With regards to your question itself, I would email school A right now to clarify and say that you did not mean to enroll yet, you just misunderstood the email. Stress that you accidentally enrolled. As for etiquette, it's very bad. It's not cool and there's a good chance they'll be very offended, though you might be able to ameliorate it by being conciliatory and explain how accidental it was that you committed. 

 

Practically speaking though, I mean, what's the worst that can happen? A revokes your admission? Since you seem to prefer/are fine with B, it doesn't seem you have anything to lose per se, just it's not a very nice thing to do and you don't want to burn any potential bridges professionally, which is a real possiblity.

 

The worst thing you can do though is not tell A anything at all and string them along until almost all the way until the deadline, just to turn them down. Let them know. They might be okay, they might not, it's hard to say. But don't leave them in the dark.

[Janie M.]

Bamafan,

Thanks for your advice and sorry that post was so insanely long. I see what you're saying, but--knowing my luck--something horribly awry will most likely occur and I will screw myself over with both schools and continue waiting tables for the rest of my life. I cannot express how hard I have worked over the past couple years to make myself a decent candidate for grad school (since I have been out of academia for over ten years). I will be completely emotionally devastated if my dream is ruined simply because of an absurd and unintentional mistake committed on my part.

I honestly just did not understand some aspects of the acceptance/enrollment process. I do think schools should have a clearer statement concerning enrollment policies as it pertains to that particular school. How is one supposed to know? Like I said, I've been out of school for quite some time and am doing this process all on my own. I have had no one in a professional capacity to advise me through these steps and to consult with as far as what is acceptable etiquette in this sphere. This has all just spiralled into a nightmare for me (when this should be a joyous time).

Part of me wants to do what you suggested, since I feel so guilty. The head of the department does seem a bit quirky (in a good way) and possibly understanding, so I don't know, maybe I will admit what I have done. I am afraid to do this via email though, as I am afraid of seeming cold. Do you think it would be acceptable for me to let her know about the mistake and also about the other school when I meet with her in a few weeks? Maybe if she sees in person that I am sincere, it will soften the blow. What do people think about this?

Also, I should stress that this school does NOT have an April 15 deadline for enrollment. There is no deadline even provided in the letter. There isn't even an official deadline for applications to this school or program. It's a rolling admission, so it's very likely that others are still applying to this program. This latter aspect is why I think maybe it won't be as terrible if I renege on the enrollment agreement here as it would be at a school with more formal policies. However, I do still feel very badly and would like to be as considerate as possible, considering the circumstances. But, I also don't want to succomb to a severe depression if my over-honesty somehow results in my rejection from BOTH schools. I do think that I still need to somewhat look out for my interests. This is my dream and I can't destroy it.

What do others think?? Do you agree that I should admit my mistake and hope for the best? The other school (needs to know by April 15. Am I also supposed to confide to B that I am considering another school? I haven't enrolled here, but am going on a tour next week, and am also invited to a formal dinner with the department. I mean, at what point is honesty just unconscious self-destruction? Please help!

Edited March 23, 2013 by Janie M.

[Janie M.]

I considered only applying to one school initially because I'm painfully aware of my indecision issues, but everyone always says that this is a terrible thing to do.

[selecttext]

it's really difficult to read your posts janie

[Janie M.]

Selecttext,

 

Why? Just because they are so lengthy? I would like to know out of curiosity. I'm just trying to explain all aspects of the situation.

[selecttext]

yes, they are too long and winding, almost like a stream of consciousness 

[Janie M.]

I realize they are very long. Sorry. I read a lot of philosophical/existentialist stuff. I guess my reading material is having a negative effect upon my ability to think and communicate in a more practical way.

[Janie M.]

As for the stream of consciousness, I am currently reading The Sound and the Fury - LOL.

[selecttext]

you aren't officially enrolled by the way. they merely reserved your spot. my advise is that you contact school b right away, tell them that you are writing to inquire on the status of your fellowship/assistantship or whatever it is you are hoping for. hopefully this will expedite the process so that if you choose school b, you can politely inform school a that your situation has changed and you must decline their offer of admission. don't mention mistakes or any of that, be factual, concise and don't reveal more than you need to.

[Janie M.]

Okay. The first response I got to my original post above made me even more paranoid about the situation. I didn't think it was too terrible if I declined the offer seeing as how the "enrollment" here (A) didn't seem very official.

 

I will try to follow your advice and keep things polite but factual. On the other hand: If I do happen to choose school A for some reason, is it very inconsiderate to inform B only a few days before April 15? I mean, they must have people on the waiting list. It might not be possible for me to know any sooner.

[selecttext]

honestly, this is going to figure so insignificantly in your life that i would stop worrying. quickly get all the information you can to make a decision and then be done with it. whichever school you reject isn't going to even remember you a month from now.

[Janie M.]

Okay. It actually makes me feel less guilty to think of things in terms of only being a "number" to them. I hope this is true. Thank you.

[lypiphera]

1) I would agree with the first response that you really need to tell school A about the situation as soon as possible.  Make it clear that you aren't declining the offer, just that you misunderstood what you were enrolling for and haven't made a decision yet.  I like your idea of doing it by phone - it was convey your sincerity and you can be more personal about it.  Hopefully they will understand - it's definitely not ideal, but it's better to tell them NOW rather than tell them on April 14th that you've decided not to enroll.  When talking to them, do not mention that the letter was unclear, even if it was; just take responsibility for the mistake and tell them you thought you were reserving your spot and not enrolling.  The sooner the better, so they can change your status back to "waiting to decided" from "definitely enrolling."  It is fine to mention that your acceptance might be contingent on the assistanceship, which is why you can't decide yet.

 

If you do end up declining the offer, it will be ad, but it's not the end of the world.  You may have burned bridges there for future job/post-doc opportunities, but it will not destroy your life or their's.  They will probably be annoyed but will forgot who you are in a few months time.  Being honest as soon as possible is the best way to remedy the situation.  

 

2) I would tell School B you are considering another school if they ask, but you don't have to bring it up if they don't.  All of my school visits asked me if I was considering other schools, and I told them all honestly.  They understand the process and won't be offended by it.  I would tell them if they ask that you may not make a decision until right before April 15th, so they can pass that information on to people who need to know.  

[Janie M.]

Lypiphera,

 

Thank you so much for your thorough response. Your advice actually calmed me down quite a bit. I would like to be honest about what's going on, but I'm just so afraid of the possibility that this approach may backfire. However, I guess a school legally can't revoke your acceptance, can they?

 

I am going to visit school A soon. I don't know if it would be awkward to tell the faculty in person that I am considering another school? Or, maybe it would be better if I mention the situation in an email beforehand, so they are prepared. When they meet me, they will see that I am genuinely interested in the program and not just an inconsiderate flake or something.

 

I can just partly attribute all of this to the unlikely possibility that I will receive the assistantship from this school, since at the time that I "enrolled," I thought I had a decent chance at receiving this funding.

 

Thanks!

[student12345]

You should tell them that you did not mean to enroll before you visit.

[bamafan]

Lypiphera,

 

Thank you so much for your thorough response. Your advice actually calmed me down quite a bit. I would like to be honest about what's going on, but I'm just so afraid of the possibility that this approach may backfire. However, I guess a school legally can't revoke your acceptance, can they?

 

I am going to visit school A soon. I don't know if it would be awkward to tell the faculty in person that I am considering another school? Or, maybe it would be better if I mention the situation in an email beforehand, so they are prepared. When they meet me, they will see that I am genuinely interested in the program and not just an inconsiderate flake or something.

 

I can just partly attribute all of this to the unlikely possibility that I will receive the assistantship from this school, since at the time that I "enrolled," I thought I had a decent chance at receiving this funding.

 

Thanks!

 

They absolutely can revoke it for whatever reason they want. I was under the impression that you officially matriculated with A. You need to figure out for sure from school A if you did, because I disagree with selecttext. If it's unofficial, then you might be fine, but if you are actually officially enrolled and not just having a spot reserved (I find this hard to believe as that's true as soon as you get an acceptance, but then again, we don't know the details), the longer you wait, the worse the situation will be for you and for A really (and students on a waitlist for A as well).

[selecttext]

you are not officially enrolled after accepting the offer - it just looks really bad if you then decline it. i think she should figure out asap if she wants to go to B or not because it will suck regardless of whether she declines A or tells them that she accidentally accepted the offer

Edited March 25, 2013 by selecttext

[sansao]

I hate to bear potentially bad news, but my understanding is that accepting an offer is a binding agreement (corrections to this understanding are welcomed). You may have to get a written release from school A before you can accept any other offer (legally). You need to read the fine print, and contact them right away.

[selecttext]

1. she hasn't been offered any money

2. it is before april 15

 

she can rescind her acceptance. let's not get all dire and drastic here.

 

http://www.cgsnet.org/ckfinder/userfiles/files/CGS_Resolution.pdf

 

no money = no obligation

[sansao]

1. she hasn't been offered any money 2. it is before april 15   she can rescind her acceptance. let's not get all dire and drastic here.   http://www.cgsnet.org/ckfinder/userfiles/files/CGS_Resolution.pdf'>http://www.cgsnet.org/ckfinder/userfiles/files/CGS_Resolution.pdf   no money = no obligation

Gotcha, I missed the absence of money from the OP.

[Janie M.]

Thanks everyone for the input! I think I am going to stop posting, since I am paranoid I revealed way too much info. I really appreciate everyone's assistance. Right now my biggest concern is preventing a possible revocation of admission from either college. I think I've figured my situation out. Thanks for sharing.

[newdisplayname]

Ok,  so what would happen if I accept offers from two different schools and pay the deposits in order to have more time to decide where to go? What are the consequences besides losing the deposit? Some of us are in quite the predicament because we won´t know about funding opportunities until July and so we need a "backup" school in case our top choice doesn´t work... I´m pretty sure there are a ton of students (mostly international) that have been through this...

[tonic]

Ok so I decided to piggy-back on this thread so I can ask a similar question. Some of the responses have already answered it so maybe I just need reassurance.

I applied to two grad schools, one a state school and one an amazing UC.

State school-accepted

UC-waitlisted.

So I emailed the state school to tell them that the window that the UC gave me for a final answer was between April 16th- June 1st. State school was all-"by the time they tell you, our offer will no longer be valid."

So I accepted to the state school with the back up plan of rescinding if the UC decides to accept me.

A. is this a possible option.

B. am I terrible person?

C. What will happen? They haven't asked for a deposit yet.

I feel awful but I realllllllllyyyyyyyyyy want the UC.

[lypiphera]

To the above two posters, I know people who have done it.  My brother did the same - he is waitlisted for his top-choice MBA program but won't find out until late summer, so he enrolled and put a deposit down on the school he did get into.  If he gets accepted, he plans to just lose the deposit and go with his dream school.  Personally, I would feel really bad about this, but if the school is accepting people that late, I'm not sure what other options people have.  My gut would be to tell them truth after putting my deposit down, so they know there's a chance you won't actually enroll, but that could cause a lot of bad feeling if you do end up going there.  If you do get accepted and rescind your first enrollment, I believe they need to give you a written release, if you've signed anything.  It probably will cause some ill will, but if it's best for you in the long run, it's probably worth it.