Not good enough

[RxPhD]

This is my first year in my PhD program and I'm finishing a doctorate in a health profession (dual degree).

Does anyone feel like they aren't good enough or capable of meeting the expectations of your advisor? I love my advisor and we are very close. I just don't want to let her down. She assures me I can do it but I doubt my ability.

The bar has been set high in my program and sometimes I feel like things are way over my head. I have plenty of support...I just don't feel smart/good enough to do all this!

It's making me very depressed and there is always SO MUCH TO DO! Anyone else ever have that drowning feeling?

[juilletmercredi]

Everyone feels that way at some point during their program.  I am a 5th year and I still grapple with trying to understand why my advisor thinks I'm a great student.  I feel lazy and not as productive as the scholar down the street (the theoretical one) who publishes 3 papers a year and dreams about data analysis.

 

And yes, I've definitely dealt with feeling like I was drowning in work.  It gets better over time - you learn to manage your time better, including learning to write in some relaxation time.  And you won't have courses.  Now, as a dissertator, I read for pleasure and go out with my friends and cook dinner most nights.  When I was in coursework - especially my first year - I felt like I was barely keeping my head above water.  Stay the course, and try your hand at scheduling your time and sticking to a (realistic) schedule.  Take note of how long it takes you to do things.

 

You are smart enough, but more importantly, success in your grad program has nothing to do with intelligence.  Everyone who was admitted is intelligent.  It has to do with desire, hard work, and perseverance.  Most people who drop out don't do so because they aren't smart (many of them are brilliant) but because they realize that the PhD is not what they want anymore, for whatever reason.  I don't think I'm that smart, but I'm a hustler.  You just have to put your nose to the grindstone and work work work (within reason, of course - make sure you sleep, eat healthily, and get some exercise, and have some fun.  I make it a point to sleep 6-8 hours every night, regardless of how close a deadline is).

[katerific]

Yes. Drowning is a great word to describe it.

There are a lot of really good, qualified grad students who do not get encouragement or reassurance from their advisors. However, I don't think the converse ever happens (i.e., an advisor is confident in a bad student). If your advisor gives you reassurance, att the very least trust your advisor on that!

Echoing what juilletmercredi said, just about everyone feels this at some point. People have different ways of coping. For example, people who appear confident may be totally faking it. Even the person I consider to be THE BEST student in my program--she has a lot of doubts. Even the "weaker" students in the program have them--but by NO MEANS are they bad students. Everyone's pretty good.

You got in for a reason. You're a good student and a good researcher with good potential. I will say, though, don't compare yourself to other people--there are plenty of other grad students who seem perfect, but that doesn't mean you're bad, by any means.

One thing you could do, though, to help convince yourself--examine your performance vs what the advisor expects. Sometimes, advisors are unrealistic. At the same time, some of us could improve. Like, reading an extra paper (or 5, 10) per week, doing a few extra hours in the lab, etc. If you're already at your max, you're probably doing a good job. Even if you aren't, you're still probably doing a good job (unless you are SERIOUSLY slacking, but this doesn't seem to be the case).

 

Okay, there was a lot of rambling here, but the bottom line is that you're not alone!

[RxPhD]

Thanks for the encouragement. I really appreciate it. I just feel like my colleagues in my cohort have a much better grasp on things.

I feel better knowing I'm not the only one that feels this way. I just hope I can somehow build my confidence. I feel pretty down on myself right now

I'm glad I found this site.

[Dal PhDer]

I feel like this 99% of the time...but I still love school. I think it can be hard to put things in perspective...I try really hard to look at the bigger picture, and remember why I choose this path.

 

Recently I sought out a mentor because I did not feel that my advisor believed in my capabilities- which left me doubting myself. He put it very plainly: You wouldn't have gotten to where you are if you weren't capable. 

 

So I've begun to stop myself when this "silly thinking" (that's what he calls it) creeps in, and I remind myself at everything that I've accomplished! We all start somewhere. We don't do a PhD or a MA because we know everything and have nothing to learn- we do it BECAUSE we need to learn!

 

We're all capable and able to do it- but we all have these doubts! Try and remember all the great work that you have done, and it'll inspire you to recognize all the great work that you can do

[Conscia Fati]

I broke down crying in my advisor's office today.

I'm a first year graduate student, and this weekend I just finished up a huge project that required me to work at 200% capacity for over a month. I had a quiz today that I studied for, but I was so tired that I didn't retain anything I read. Tears welled up during the quiz, and I kept my head down for the duration of the class period.

After class, I went into my advisor's office to apologize for my poor performance on the quiz. He looked at me very kindly; I burst into tears at his hint of compassion. He then took the quiz from my hands, crumpled it up, and threw it in the trash bin. After giving me a hug, he told me to enjoy the beautiful day with my family and not to crack open a book for the rest of the day.

I greatly respect my advisor and deeply admire his work, but I have always been intimidated by him and rather shy around him. I never expected this kind of response from him.

I knew people in my department were human, but this level of understanding astounded me. I am so thankful that THERE IS GRACE IN GRADUATE SCHOOL, and you DON'T HAVE TO BE PERFECT!

I hope this story encourages others who are going through tough times in school -- we all do.

[SeriousSillyPutty]

Our program has a small mish-mash of people and interests, so on the plus side, it's hard to compare myself to others because we all have such different backgrounds, but on the down side, it's really hard to get guidance on what I should be doing to get to where I need to be.  That can be discouraging.  Then there's the whole falling behind on coursework thing and the usually treading water feeling that comes with that.

 

I never would have picked the first year of grad school to get involved in external volunteering, but since I didn't move for school I was already involved in such things and have the heart to quit them.  I'm SO thankful for the non-grad school commitments in my life, because even though I can get stressed at having less time to work on school stuff, I am so confident in what I am doing with them that I can conclude it's worth it, and it's okay not to be superwomen in grad school.  Truth be told, I wouldn't be superwomen even if they weren't in my life, of course, but that's what I would expect out of myself anyway.

 

So, my recommendation: Find a volunteer opportunity that you can really get behind (I recommend Big Brothers Big Sisters or tutoring, but there are plenty of others) and will yourself to make time for it.  The percent of life spent doing school work goes down, but, for me, the percent of time spent doing something productive goes up.

 

Good luck!