Asking out a shy (maybe introverted) guy

[mewtoo]

I agree that if I'm not physically attracted to someone, I tend to bolt as well (so, no, you're not being shallow, in my opinion).

 

Girly intuition... I'm not sure--that's why I posted to this forum! FYI, my one-and-only ex (of ten years) is quite charismatic, outgoing, and nerdy-yet-manly (does that even make sense)? Anyway, so I've never had experience with anyone who is this shy. It's weird because he's a TA, so he's got to have some confidence/authority to stand up and conduct a class. But, at the same time, my feeling is that he pretty much keeps to himself outside of taking/teaching courses and is very focused on his work (maybe as a result of his shyness?). But, he's not shy in a one-on-one situation. Like I said, we talked for 2 hours straight! And we had eye contact. And he smiled and laughed and agreed to meet with me in the first place. I mean, I guess he could have said no, right? But since the pretense was about research... but then again he seemed awfully nervous at first until he was sure that we really were meeting just to talk about research.

 

So, the funny thing about sitting next to him was that when I entered the room (small room, big conference table, chairs lining the wall), he was sitting at a chair against the wall, and I sat one chair away from him... my friend (who knows that I have a crush on him) bumped me over so that I was sitting right next to him so that others could come in after us to fill all the seats. I should have said hi, but it was such a small room, and my advisor and all of the professors in my field were sitting at the conference table--I didn't want anyone to witness our potentially awkward small talk right before the presentation! He didn't acknowledge me (but he didn't acknowledge anyone else, either) so that's what I mean when I say he tends to keep to himself unless you directly engage with him. (Of course, this makes me wonder if maybe this whole thing is not such a good idea... but then again he interacts so well with me one-on-one... maybe he just needs his space sometimes... who doesn't?)

 

I agree that a Date is way too scary. Heck--I'm scared of a Date!

 Deer gawd hes the male version of me. 

[TakeruK]

I think many introverted people "learn" to be extroverted when necessary, such as teaching a class, giving a talk, attending a networking event etc. I consider myself fairly introverted and at conference receptions/coffee breaks, I would be perfectly happy just standing in a corner with a friend or two and eat snacks / have drinks. But, I feel like I need to force myself to mingle more and just introduce myself to random people to get to know them. After all, that's the purpose of those events/conferences. Sometimes I use guilt to help me get the energy/willpower to talk to strangers, like telling myself that "hey, your supervisor didn't pay for you to just come here and sit in a corner! go talk to some people!!". Often at academic settings, there are lots of other introverts too so it's somehow easier to talk to random people if you know that they probably feel as nervous as you do. However, after one of those events or even after a big presentation in a course or a seminar, I feel pretty drained and exhausted! Although I know many people that would probably describe themselves as more introverted than me, this comic sums it up well:

 

http://schrojones.deviantart.com/art/How-to-Live-with-Introverts-Guide-Printable-320818879?q=gallery%3Asveidt%2F34464099&qo=3

 

Also, some of my other friends have pointed out that our society seems to think that extroversion is the ideal and that introversion is something to be overcome. This may cause introverts to feel like they have to be "pretend extroverts" (e.g. see  http://www.thepowerofintroverts.com/about-the-book/)

Your story of sitting next to him in the presentation room also sounds familiar. I find that it takes me awhile to actually make friends with other people. I'm friendly, but with new people, I usually wait for them to approach me more often than me talking to them. So, if someone that wasn't already a friend sat next to me, even if it was someone I have seen before, I might say hi but probably not say much else. I'd assume that they just happen to sit there, so there was no reason to start a conversation. But if they did start one, I would probably be happy to talk to them. Maybe if I started more conversations, I would make friends faster but I think this is a self-regulating process -- if I am in a situation where I really wanted to make friends, I would probably be more outgoing in trying to find friends. But if I have enough friends to satisfy my "social energy", then while I wouldn't be sad if I had more friends, I probably would not be as motivated to seek more!

Edited July 18, 2013 by TakeruK

[PsychGirl1]

I agree asking someone out on a "formal date" is scary, but you can take baby steps :-). For example, invite him and your friends over for dinner one night in a mass email, or ask him if he wants to grab a drink at a happy hour on Friday- something like that. Neither scream "I'm asking you out", but it will allow you to spend more time with him in a social environment- you can probably feel things out better from there. Also, if he declines a few times without a counteroffer, then he's likely not interested. :-D Good luck!

[Guest |||]

Personally I'd just ask, do you wanna grab coffee sometime?

 

If you are Really into him, invite him to see a Nicholas Cage movie.

[wildviolet]

Personally I'd just ask, do you wanna grab coffee sometime?

 

If you are Really into him, invite him to see a Nicholas Cage movie.

 

My favorite one is Moonstruck!

[wildviolet]

I think many introverted people "learn" to be extroverted when necessary, such as teaching a class, giving a talk, attending a networking event etc. I consider myself fairly introverted and at conference receptions/coffee breaks, I would be perfectly happy just standing in a corner with a friend or two and eat snacks / have drinks. But, I feel like I need to force myself to mingle more and just introduce myself to random people to get to know them. After all, that's the purpose of those events/conferences. Sometimes I use guilt to help me get the energy/willpower to talk to strangers, like telling myself that "hey, your supervisor didn't pay for you to just come here and sit in a corner! go talk to some people!!". Often at academic settings, there are lots of other introverts too so it's somehow easier to talk to random people if you know that they probably feel as nervous as you do. However, after one of those events or even after a big presentation in a course or a seminar, I feel pretty drained and exhausted! Although I know many people that would probably describe themselves as more introverted than me, this comic sums it up well:

 

http://schrojones.deviantart.com/art/How-to-Live-with-Introverts-Guide-Printable-320818879?q=gallery%3Asveidt%2F34464099&qo=3

 

Also, some of my other friends have pointed out that our society seems to think that extroversion is the ideal and that introversion is something to be overcome. This may cause introverts to feel like they have to be "pretend extroverts" (e.g. see  http://www.thepowerofintroverts.com/about-the-book/)

Your story of sitting next to him in the presentation room also sounds familiar. I find that it takes me awhile to actually make friends with other people. I'm friendly, but with new people, I usually wait for them to approach me more often than me talking to them. So, if someone that wasn't already a friend sat next to me, even if it was someone I have seen before, I might say hi but probably not say much else. I'd assume that they just happen to sit there, so there was no reason to start a conversation. But if they did start one, I would probably be happy to talk to them. Maybe if I started more conversations, I would make friends faster but I think this is a self-regulating process -- if I am in a situation where I really wanted to make friends, I would probably be more outgoing in trying to find friends. But if I have enough friends to satisfy my "social energy", then while I wouldn't be sad if I had more friends, I probably would not be as motivated to seek more!

 

I think you're right.

 

Part of my dilemma with trying to figure out this situation is that I've never met so many introverts before grad school, so I'm not sure how to read their behavior! He writes really long and detailed emails, he interacts fine one-on-one (maybe some nervous finger tapping or leg jiggling) and is able to engage in lengthy conversations, yet he rarely initiates contact and seeks quiet, solitary places in the building.

 

He is not averse to touching other people (as I might expect introverts to be--who knows where I got this notion from?)... during our hallway encounter, he touched my arm to guide me out of the main traffic of the hallway so we could continue talking, and he touched my hands when he asked me to remind him of his name.

 

You all do not even know how nervous I was when I emailed him out-of-the-blue and asked him if he would meet with me--I was bracing myself for a "no" or "I'm too busy" but he was like "sure, I would be happy to meet..."

 

But, body language... I walk into the cafe, and I see him sitting at a round table... I wave (kind of awkwardly) and smile, and he waves and smiles back. He's really such a nice guy! Ugh, but then I think he's just being a polite and helpful person, of course. This doesn't mean anything... because I asked him to meet about research, but I successfully steer the conversation to other topics, and he willingly shares... and I'm thinking about how the way he talks about research so seriously is SO DARN CUTE!   And he makes no move to leave. We ended the conversation when my colleague walked by and I realized it was almost time for our research team meeting (before then, I didn't want to break the spell by checking the time).

 

I know--I am totally over-thinking this! It'll probably be a month before I see him next, though, so I'll try to remember to update then.

[i.am.me]

Yes, please keep us updated

 

Please forgive him if he puts his foot (or both feet) in his mouth because introverts are known to do that lol

[wildviolet]

*Update*

 

So... I didn't hear from him after our 2-hour talk... so I emailed him again to say thanks and to give him an update on my research activities (I know, I know), and this is what he wrote back:

 

"Sounds great!  I'm looking forward to hearing how it goes."

 

What does that mean? Is he just being polite? Helpful? Or does he really want to know? As someone who intends to analyze the deeper meanings of the language we use (when we interact with others), I can't help but wonder... of all the things he could have written... why I'm looking forward to hearing how it goes? Is it an unconscious invitation on his part? Hmmm...

[33andathirdRPM]

It means exactly what it said. We men usually aren't too coy. Well, there are situations where we can be dense-coy but that's a topic for a different thread. At this point, he could have no clue whatsoever that you're interested in him, or he might not know what to do about it. Without going to over the top, you could toss him a compliment and ask him if he'd like to go to a concert/play/movie/whatever.

[Sigaba]

I've seen him a few times during the past school year... while he was teaching a class....

 

So, the thing is that even though he seems extroverted sometimes (like volunteering to meet w/ potential PhD students and mentoring the incoming cohort)[.]

 

@wildviolet--

 

He may have received training on your school's and department's policies and informal guidelines on fraternization.

[wildviolet]

@wildviolet--

 

He may have received training on your school's and department's policies and informal guidelines on fraternization.

 

Oh yes, we all did during orientation. Our university's official policy is that faculty-grad student relationships are okay as long as it is disclosed to the higher ups in cases of conflicts of interest. Thus, I'm assuming grad-grad relationships are okay. If I remember, even grad-undergrad relationships are okay as long as you're not directly teaching (i.e., grading) an undergrad.

[wildviolet]

It means exactly what it said. We men usually aren't too coy. Well, there are situations where we can be dense-coy but that's a topic for a different thread. At this point, he could have no clue whatsoever that you're interested in him, or he might not know what to do about it. Without going to over the top, you could toss him a compliment and ask him if he'd like to go to a concert/play/movie/whatever.

 

Got it. Thanks!

[DropTheBase]

*Update*

 

So... I didn't hear from him after our 2-hour talk... so I emailed him again to say thanks and to give him an update on my research activities (I know, I know), and this is what he wrote back:

 

"Sounds great!  I'm looking forward to hearing how it goes."

 

What does that mean? Is he just being polite? Helpful? Or does he really want to know? As someone who intends to analyze the deeper meanings of the language we use (when we interact with others), I can't help but wonder... of all the things he could have written... why I'm looking forward to hearing how it goes? Is it an unconscious invitation on his part? Hmmm...

 

It sounds like you're way overthinking this. That is a totally standard reply to a variety of emails.

 

If a guy is into you, he will make the time to pursue you. You'd naturally friendzone him before having to guess whether or not he liked you.

 

If a guy is into you and he DOES NOT pursue you, then he's not the kind of guy worth dating. Why be with someone who doesn't make time for you?.

 

And lastly, it's possible he's "just not that into you."

 

DTB

Edited July 22, 2013 by DropTheBase

[fuzzylogician]

If a guy is into you and he DOES NOT pursue you, then he's not the kind of guy worth dating. Why be with someone who doesn't make time for you?.

 

I don't get this approach. If you are into him and don't take the time to "pursue him" (say, ask him out on a date or just for coffee), why should he find you worth dating? Being a woman doesn't automatically make me a damsel in distress; I don't need to be rescued by a man, and I'm not a trophy to be pursued.

[DropTheBase]

My advice is gender neutral. You made it quite clear to everyone that you're no damsel, fuzzylogician.

What I mean by that statement is that this person (who happens to be a guy) hasn't reciprocated and asked wildviolet for coffee to talk about "research". However, wildviolet, you haven't explicitly demonstrated you romantic interest to him, so why would/should he?

DTB

[graduate33]

I don't have much to add to the topic - sorry Wildviolet - but I just wanted to say that this is the cutest thread I've read so far on this forum. 

[fuzzylogician]

You made it quite clear to everyone that you're no damsel, fuzzylogician.

 

Excuse me? 

[DropTheBase]

Excuse me? 

 

"Damsel in distress" ... sorry, apparently words get deleted when I type on my phone.

 

DTB

[wildviolet]

I don't have much to add to the topic - sorry Wildviolet - but I just wanted to say that this is the cutest thread I've read so far on this forum. 

 

Awww... thanks!

[wildviolet]

It sounds like you're way overthinking this. That is a totally standard reply to a variety of emails.

 

Actually, it's not my standard reply to a variety of emails... I say it only when I mean it. Otherwise, I just sign with my name. So, (fuzzylogician maybe you can help me out here with your linguistics background) I'm a big fan of Steven Pinker, and in The Stuff of Thought, he argues that when we try to figure out the meanings of words, we can use ourselves as starting points because, more often than not, if we are part of the same culture, we'll have the same cultural understandings of words/phrases/etc. (I wish I had the book here to quote an example, but alas I left the book in my office, and I'm at home.)

 

So, I'm just wondering what it means... and I'm posting on this forum because I'm wondering what others think as well. Plus, it's just fun to share with the GC community because, honestly, I'd die if word of my crush on him got out in my department! (Not that people would care anyway... but faculty/grad crushes... that's news worth talking about!)

[Sigaba]

Oh yes, we all did during orientation. Our university's official policy is that faculty-grad student relationships are okay as long as it is disclosed to the higher ups in cases of conflicts of interest. Thus, I'm assuming grad-grad relationships are okay. If I remember, even grad-undergrad relationships are okay as long as you're not directly teaching (i.e., grading) an undergrad.

 

wildviolet, it may well be that the guy sat through a different orientation before you arrived and he is operating on a different set of assumptions. A department isn't necessarily going to air its dirty laundry in front of first year students and professors who are mentoring graduate students can be more direct in private conversations.

 

And/or, the guy could just be focused on learning as much as he can as quickly as he can and view your interest him as a distraction, albeit a flattering one.

[St Andrews Lynx]

I think women tend to over-analyse by several factors when it comes to men & romance. From what I've seen it takes a committee of 3-4 to decide which adjective to use in a 2-line text to a crush, or to settle on what colour of t-shirt to wear when an ex says he wants to "meet up to talk".* (Have you ever seen a guy ask his mates: "Hey, this girl I like has just sent me a text with one kiss at the end instead of the usual two - what on earth does it mean!?")

 

Conversely, men on the other hand are - God love 'em - totally useless. Even when there is clearly a level of mutual attraction they aren't necessarily going to do anything proactive about their interest. 

 

* OK, I'm exaggerating...but not by all that much.

 

My advice would be to just go and ask him out. Email or text might be better than face-to-face - that way he won't have to feel like he needs to respond *immediately* and as a shy introvert he won't panic/get embarrassed/run away from you. Something along the lines of "I really enjoy your company and chatting to you - fancy meeting up for drinks one evening?" Good luck!

[Duna]

Uhm. To be honest, I haven't read all of what's been written here but I just spotted one of your posts, Wildviolet, which I found quite interesting. You said he doesn't seem to be introvert because he volunteers to mentor incoming students?

I feel like you're totally mixing up two completely disparate things here. Wearing a professional hat, he might have learned to overcome his shyness to some degree (given that we have experienced some acknowledgement for our abilities by now). However, romantic interactions & relationships are a completely different thing.

I think dating in this country is an awfully complicated thing and judging on my experience now, I can see why you are confused about whether the "I am looking forward" line was just him being polite and nice. I've heard quite a few of those and they were mostly just west coast nice formulations. I'm not saying that's the case here but I needed to note that in response to some of the comments saying: guys mostly just say what they think & mean. They don't here. And it's annoying the shit out of me. :/

[wildviolet]

I think dating in this country is an awfully complicated thing and judging on my experience now, I can see why you are confused about whether the "I am looking forward" line was just him being polite and nice. I've heard quite a few of those and they were mostly just west coast nice formulations. I'm not saying that's the case here but I needed to note that in response to some of the comments saying: guys mostly just say what they think & mean. They don't here. And it's annoying the shit out of me. :/

 

Sorry to hear you're annoyed. I'm not quite there yet, but then again I haven't dated much (okay, so not really at all because of my ex of 10 years). Sounds like your story deserves its own post!

[wildviolet]

"I really enjoy your company and chatting to you - fancy meeting up for drinks one evening?"

 

LOL, that sounds so not American!

 

And, yes, I agree with you that an email might be better... he seems to respond well to those... although it kills me waiting for his response! And... my sense is that he's not going to be proactive about it (maybe because he's just as confused as I am), so I'm trying to gauge whether there is mutual attraction or not. I don't have much to go on except our handful of face-to-face interactions and two email exchanges. At this point, I could drop it entirely and never see him again (except truly by accident). Or, if I think there might be a chance of mutual attraction, I could be more proactive myself until I get a clear signal that he's not interested. Currently, there's a lot of noise to sift through!