Letter Denial - ouch

[historyandkittens]

This is more of a vent than anything... In searching for recommendation letter writers, I feel like many people have their "primary" letter writer who will write a stellar review, and others who are a bit secondary, for lack of a better term. For one of my "secondary" letters I asked the professor who taught a very small academic seminar at a special research library in my area a couple of years ago. The class was one of my favorites, as it was very hands on and engaging-- I spent as much time as possible in the library doing extra research, and volunteered to write about my experience in the library's blog for the professor. In my personal circumstances, I needed to complete an entire history major in 1.5 years after switching majors and then finding that I could not afford a fifth year. That particular semester, my four history courses (including that one) required over 150 pages of writing to be turned in within the same 3 day period (not to mention countless other papers earlier in the semester). I became pretty ill during that time and missed 2 days of class the week prior to the paper deadlines. I emailed all of my professors whose classes I had missed with apologies and that I had documentation for the illness should they need to see it. I had already asked for an extension on the final paper for this course due to conflicting deadlines, but due the illness my other papers were extended as well to the same time. I turned it in the day after the extension with nothing but extensive apologies, and apologized again for having missed the class. I received an A in the course.

 

Still, I recognize my shots at a stellar letter were not awesome given these factors. Having had pleasant interactions with the professor since the class ended, I expected that if she did not feel comfortable writing a strong letter she would say so. However, I feel that what I got in return was unnecessarily harsh:
 

Dear ____,

 

I’m glad to hear you’re enjoying [your continued research in the library of the seminar]. I’m afraid, however, that I don’t think I’m a good choice to write a strong recommendation for you. I went back and read over your final paper and my notes on that and your other work. The paper is a good one. But my strongest recollection of you as a student is that you seemed sleepy in class every week and struggled to keep your eyes open. And in going through our past correspondence, I noted that your final paper was turned in days after the extension I granted you and that your apology for that delay also included an apology for missing class. These might seem like small points, but they do get in the way of writing a recommendation strong enough for acceptance into grad school.

 

It does seem like you are doing a good job of exploring your interest in [the program fields], and that familiarity will surely help you craft a compelling application.

 

With best wishes,

____

 

 

... I know that she found my correct emails, and if anything I figured that the lateness of the paper might be a reason she would say no. However, the other bits about being sleepy in class, and unable to stay awake, simply are not true. I wondered at first if she had me confused with another student. I did not have problems with alertness in class at all, and was actively engaged in conversation. I also did not realize that it was taboo to apologize, again, for a class missed due to an illness- I thought that I was being polite in letting her know that I was really disappointed to have missed class. Apart from the one class, I did not have attendance issues. She could have offered any of the other reasons alone, or declined more briefly, without having gone on a laundry list about 5+ reasons why she would not write the letter. The reason it stings is not so much that she said no, because I was not very sure she would say yes-- it is that I feel like all of her reasons except for one are simply unfair. 

 

Is it taboo if I do not answer?  I am so dumbfounded by her assessment that I don't even know if I can muster an appropriate response, so my inclination is to just leave it. Has anyone else gotten similar replies?

[Calamari2013]

Sorry to hear about your experience. I can imagine how it hurts. But there is no point dwelling on it now, Do you have anyone else who could provide a decent reference for you?

[Sigaba]

@handk--

 

The woman has done you a favor, and shown you respect, by detailing why she said no. I recommend that you keep those reasons in mind when you're in graduate school.

[TakeruK]

I understand that it must not feel great to get this refusal and particularly all of the details. Perhaps the prof just intended to do you a favour, as Sigaba suggested, by providing their full reasoning, which is more than you might normally get in a refusal. I think that although I would be hurt/disappointed that the prof didn't remember me as well as I had thought, I would still appreciate that the prof spent the time to go through the history and give you all of the details and reasons for refusing. I think I would have been even more hurt if the prof has just said "No, I don't want to write you a recommendation letter."

 

Also, I think this is probably one of the best outcomes possible from this situation. It's far better that the prof said no than to agree and then write a very generic/plain letter. And as I said above, I would personally prefer to know all the reasons the prof said no instead of just "no".

 

Look at it this way -- if the prof confused you with another, sleepy, student, then how well did they really know you? How could they have written you a strong LOR? In general, if you are trying to get a "secondary" letter (i.e. from a prof that doesn't know you that well because your only interaction was during one or two classes), then you really needed to have made an extremely positive impression on the prof to actually get a useful letter. So, it might be a good thing that this prof, whom you did not turn out to have made an extremely positive impression on, did not write you a letter since the letter would not have been that great!

 

I'm not trying to discount your feelings after this rejection. It's fine to vent and feel sad after a disappointment like this. Grad school and life will have many disappointments, so I think it's healthy to cope with the emotions in the way that you like (e.g. venting here is one good way) and then move on to the next step / alternate plan to achieve your goal. Do you have another prof in mind to write you another letter? 

[MsDarjeeling]

I think the others have given you some great input.  The only other thing is that you should reply to her and just thank her for taking the time to consider your request.  Many professors don't respond at all, let alone actually looking up info about a past student like she did.  Now it is time to focus on who else you can ask.