Scared?

[Antigone]

I was always around these people in my department in undergrad that live these cosmopolitan lives where they flitted around the world with their parents and had private tutors that taught them Arabic and French and Russian and they're fluent in everything, and here I am, the non-native speaker clumsily trudging my way through the last two and a half years of Arabic. I was praying that I wouldn't get invited to visit anywhere because what if they tried to hold a conversation with me in it?

I mean I got straight A's in my classes for doing all the work, passing written exams and trying my damnedest to keep up in class. But this language is so hard! Harder than any other I've studied and I'm so afraid that someone is going to start in on me with all this conversation, and I'll have to turn bright pink and admit that I caught maybe 30% of it. I'm studying like crazy but I already know that I'm going to be the poorest speaker there because unlike my classmates I didn't grow up hearing it, and they'll wonder why the hell they accepted me.

I even had my Arabic professor write one of my recs, and he couldn't have possibly thought it would be a good idea to lie about my ability, could he? Either way I'm terrified that I'm going to get an embarrassing score on the placement exam and totally humiliate myself. Gah!

[JordanJames]

I was always around these people in my department in undergrad that live these cosmopolitan lives where they flitted around the world with their parents and had private tutors that taught them Arabic and French and Russian and they're fluent in everything, and here I am, the non-native speaker clumsily trudging my way through the last two and a half years of Arabic. I was praying that I wouldn't get invited to visit anywhere because what if they tried to hold a conversation with me in it?

I mean I got straight A's in my classes for doing all the work, passing written exams and trying my damnedest to keep up in class. But this language is so hard! Harder than any other I've studied and I'm so afraid that someone is going to start in on me with all this conversation, and I'll have to turn bright pink and admit that I caught maybe 30% of it. I'm studying like crazy but I already know that I'm going to be the poorest speaker there because unlike my classmates I didn't grow up hearing it, and they'll wonder why the hell they accepted me.

I even had my Arabic professor write one of my recs, and he couldn't have possibly thought it would be a good idea to lie about my ability, could he? Either way I'm terrified that I'm going to get an embarrassing score on the placement exam and totally humiliate myself. Gah!

Don't worry. I'm pretty much a native speaker, and chances are your professors themselves don't speak conversational Arabic like a native. Arabic is a hard language, and knowing the rules of grammer and being able to write in Arabic is just the beginning. Any professor who speaks to you will most likely expect that your conversational Arabic is not that strong, and that you will need work. It would be absolutely ridiculous for them to expect anything else. If your Arabic was perfect, there would be no need to study the language further. Chances are you won't feel comfortable in your conversational Arabic until you do field work in an Arab country and immerse yourself totally in the language and culture for an extended period of time. I'm fairly certain that you're not the only person who's afraid because most people in the program will likely have limitations on their ability to speak. Just like teachers in high school didn't expect you to understand calculus before taking algebra, these professors won't expect your level of Arabic to be above what you have already studied. You received A's for a reason, and does anyone ever remember more than 30% of a class after they've turned in that final exam/paper?

Don't be too hard on yourself, I'm sure that after 2 and a half years of studying the language you will be fine in graduate school and at the level the department requires.

Congrats on getting in, and good luck with everything.

[MissingVandyCandy]

My 2 cents on the subject: Fake it, Until Ya Make It...

[redwine]

I was always around these people in my department in undergrad that live these cosmopolitan lives where they flitted around the world with their parents and had private tutors that taught them Arabic and French and Russian and they're fluent in everything, and here I am, the non-native speaker clumsily trudging my way through the last two and a half years of Arabic. I was praying that I wouldn't get invited to visit anywhere because what if they tried to hold a conversation with me in it?

I can completely relate to this - I too am applying to a subfield of history kind of predicated on knowing a language really well (Russian) and I'm terrified my language is not up to scratch, especially as I know some of the other grads in my program are actual Russians/Ukrainians who will be horrified when they hear me stumbling over the grammar or see me painstakingly translating a simple document with the help of a massive dictionary! I did fine in my Russian classes in undergrad and lived in Russia for 8 months, so you think I'd be ok with it, but its a damn hard language and I still really feel I have a while to go on it. I've shared this fear with the various professors at schools I have been accepted to (after the applications of course, when I just stated the bare truth that I had done X number of courses in Russian) and they all think I'm being neurotic, but I'm like, I don't think you quite understand how confusing I still find the language...I too was completely paranoid about my prospective visits in case my potential professors decided to have a little chat with me in Russian - I was practicing verb conjugations on the plane! Fortunately it didn't eventuate, but still, there'll be plenty of opportunity for them to catch me out when I'm there. So suffice it to say I'm spending the summer trying to fit 3 hours Russian study a day in around a 9-5 job, and hopefully I'll pass that language exam when I get there! It would be embarrassing if I didn't...Anyway antigone, just wanted to let you know you're not the only one stressing about this, and hopefully its a common enough problem what actually, our language skills will be no worse than most when we arrive and our extra work on it will be a bonus!

[starvinggrad]

I keep thinking that maybe my acceptance was just a mistake and they're going to take it back any day now, or that some stupid minor detail will prevent me from going to grad school, or that it's all an elaborate prank, and that sometime between now and the time I'm expecting to go to grad school, I'm going to get an email saying "LMAO, U fell for it u n00b!!! LOL! what a L053R! w3'r3 just 2 L33T 4 U, 5UCKA!!! ~from University X".

But I'm scared mostly because of where I'll likely be moving. I'll be going from Boston to LA. I'll be without a car, and I heard public transportation is a nightmare in LA. Plus there's the high rent that I'll have to deal with. I'm unemployed at the moment so anything money-related is guaranteed to make me wince. I imagine I'll be living off ramen for my first year :twisted:

I'm actually extremely psyched that I'm going to grad school, though. It's just that I keep worrying about everything that could trip me up.

[fizz]

Omigosh the languages. I had enough of a headache with trying to slot my uneven language skills into the poor/good/excellent or beginner/intermediate/fluent categories -- now that I'm in I'm terrified that I've misrepresented myself. Well, I'm pretty generally terrified these days, but it's starting to numb somewhat.

[iwantmyPhD]

It's a classic syndrome known as "the imposter syndrome". It is very common among academics, especially female academics:

The feeling that you are not really as good as it appears, that you have somehow managed to fool everyone so far into thinking you are good, and managed to get good grades and get into a good school by somehow "faking it", but that once you are actually expected to do real academic work, it'll turn out you're really not so good and you will be exposed as a fraud or imposter.

I get that a lot, but one does have to remind oneself that it is not very likely that we faked it to get where we got. If we got this far, and we got into a good grad school, we probably have the potential. Otherwise, they wouldn't waste their time and money on us.

This doesn't mean success is guaranteed. This doesn't mean we won't have to work very hard to get where we want and be as good as we want.

But it does mean that if we are willing to work that hard, we can probably make it, we can probably succeed in the program we chose.

But yeah, I'm also pretty scared. Not so much of flunking out (I'm not thinking that far ahead), but just of the increased pressure and the more demanding program.

But I'm keeping optimistic. Lots of people have done it before me. There is no reason why I should succeed.

Thanks for this post. I feel sometimes that how I got where I am is some strange miracle or mistake. Me? As smart and as capable as Them? Really?

My MS. adviser keeps telling me I'll be fine, but it doesn't always make me feel better. It's nice to know I'm not the only one that feels this way.

[EngrGirl]

I'm glad to see that I'm not alone. I guess I'm scared in the sense that I don't want to disappoint anyone. My family, my recommenders, my new advisor and grad program...I'm just worried that I somehow won't be able to keep up with the work. I originally applied as a MS student, and am now going for the PhD (after my school asked me if I was interested), so I'm worried that I won't fit in with the other smarter, more talented doctoral students. Part of me knows I'm being silly, but I'm still nervous.

[livmoredyles]

I'm pretty confident about my work I'll be doing, I feel this is where I'm destined to be...but admittedly after I found out I was even invited for an interview I was convinced it was a mistake, it wasn't until I was interviewing with a professor and she had my statement of purpose right in front of her that I realized they weren't confusing me with someone else. Then to get accepted was something close to a miracle, although I applied and somewhere inside must have thought I had the potential to be accepted, to actually BE accepted was something short of a miracle. A top program really wants ME....what?!?!?!?!?!

[TMP]

Oh... after a conversation with my advisor on Friday, I am now getting scared!! I'm sure she never meant to scare me with some of her stories (not horror stories mind you) and how grad school will be sooooooo different from my LAC. I'm going to her alma mater so there's that close connection that makes it all even more nerve-racking. Can i potentially find myself being the only one talking with a professor for 3 hours over a book? :shock: Yes, I probably will. She kept reassuring me that I will be fine and I will absolutely love being in grad school in a more intellectual environment. I mean, I seriously lack that at my LAC but am I really ready?? My friend in a MA program at a different university keeps telling me how much she loves her long classes and that I will too.. umm, a litlte more comforting since she isn't a professor yet!

[Leavinmyheartinsf]

One of my coworkers and I were talking about this very thing last week. He said that he just stopped feeling like an imposter in the radio business last year, after more than 30 years. I thought that I felt like an imposter because I am not a traditional student, because I have had a difficult past because of horrible decisions as a young adult, and because I have had 2 undergrad careers, one as a complete loser, one as one of the best students my department has seen in recent years. It seems like something that EVERYONE goes through! Yea! I am not as screwed as I thought i was. Someone told me at the beginning of this that they would not accept me if they didn't think that I could be successful. I got in to 5/10 schools and upon further investigation, I would have been miserable at the 5 that I didn't get in to. These committee folks know what they are doing! So, the top 5 program that picked me out of my state university thinks I can make it, and I believe them... most of the time!

[fdsce]

As an undergrad student with only limited research experience, I was fortunate enough to get an admit for masters into my dream college with an RA.! Now im worried if I will be able to cope up with the coursework and research!! Im totally freakin out about this now...

I cant be paranoid right? I do deserve this...??

[gradwardBound]

It's a classic syndrome known as "the imposter syndrome". It is very common among academics, especially female academics:

The feeling that you are not really as good as it appears, that you have somehow managed to fool everyone so far into thinking you are good, and managed to get good grades and get into a good school by somehow "faking it", but that once you are actually expected to do real academic work, it'll turn out you're really not so good and you will be exposed as a fraud or imposter.

I definitely fall into this category. I have had the impostor syndrome for most of my academic life. I find it especially hard for a woman in the sciences. Thanks for the post.

[Carolina08]

One of my coworkers and I were talking about this very thing last week. He said that he just stopped feeling like an imposter in the radio business last year, after more than 30 years. I thought that I felt like an imposter because I am not a traditional student, because I have had a difficult past because of horrible decisions as a young adult, and because I have had 2 undergrad careers, one as a complete loser, one as one of the best students my department has seen in recent years. It seems like something that EVERYONE goes through! Yea! I am not as screwed as I thought i was. Someone told me at the beginning of this that they would not accept me if they didn't think that I could be successful. I got in to 5/10 schools and upon further investigation, I would have been miserable at the 5 that I didn't get in to. These committee folks know what they are doing! So, the top 5 program that picked me out of my state university thinks I can make it, and I believe them... most of the time!

I have a similar background. It took me 7 years (4 part-time, 3 full) to get my undergrad after I was forced to drop out of high school to support myself. I worked hard to get where I am often overcoming tremendous road blocks that had at times dramatic effects on my grades. I never gave up though. When I realized my grades were a little low for the caliber programs I wanted to attend I took a year off to collect research and formulate a well constructed dissertation topic while taking grad school classes part-time. After I got accepted this year to an Ivy a contact in the program told me my grades where lower than the average admit but my narrative demonstrated profound upward momentum while my year off researching demonstrated preparedness and determination. It felt good to know all that work was worth something to them, but at the same time I feel like the Junior Varsity kid whose been given a shot at playing in the big game. All eyes are on me to see if I succeed.

Of course I'm that much more nervous because I've yet to get into a second program. I applied to 5 top tier programs and only got into 1. I also applied to 2 second tier and 1 third tier and have already been rejected by one of these. Finally I was in the process of applying to 1 top tier international that I was almost certain to get into though without funding.

I suppose I'm probably reading into all of this too much. I could have been rejected from others for any number of reasons and I was likely to get into a top tier international, yet its still nerve racking nonetheless. I've never stepped foot on an Ivy campus, sure I went to a small Private part-time for 2 years and finished at an elite Public. Even though my undergrad public ranks higher than the Ivy I've been accepted to, it feels like a whole new ball game. Will my down to earth, interconnect with communities I work with, research style fit in this bastion of prestige? Will my knowledge, a combination of real world experience and college education, be contested in ways I did not experience as an undergrad at a social activist university? I suppose this is what really scares me. I know I'm intelligent enough, but will I have to fight for what I know the whole way. Am I strong enough to do that if I have to? Will it leave me better scholar or hinder my progress every step of the way? I've been given an amazing opportunity to learn from some of the brightest minds in the country who come from a diversity of backgrounds, but the symbol of the institution they represent feels so far from the reality of my life.

[flit]

iwantmyPhD wrote:

It's a classic syndrome known as "the imposter syndrome". It is very common among academics, especially female academics:

The feeling that you are not really as good as it appears, that you have somehow managed to fool everyone so far into thinking you are good, and managed to get good grades and get into a good school by somehow "faking it", but that once you are actually expected to do real academic work, it'll turn out you're really not so good and you will be exposed as a fraud or imposter.

I'm so glad I read this thread....I felt that way all of last semester - was just starting to get over it and then I got my acceptance into PhD program (different department; same university) ..... and find myself wondering again if there hasn't been some mistake

[thepoorstockinger]

I definitely feel this way. I am fortunate enough to be working with a high profile supervisor whose work is fantastic (I think the first history book I really loved was written by him, and I am looking forward to his book coming out later this month almost as much I was looking forward to the Watchmen movie) and due to his being friends/the former supervisor for one of my current professors he seems to have a super inflated sense of my abilities and potential and has been very, very keen to have me come to the program. He's helped me secure additional funding, is already offering me research work for next summer, and has offered to let me and my partner stay in his and his partner's home when we come up to look for our own place. (His partner is also an intimidating, big name academic) All of this translates into terrifying pressure. It's also compounded by a) the fact that I am sort of changing fields within history and shifting over to American history despite having limited formal experience with it and the fact that I will be TAing next year for the first time. Part of me is okay with being a failure on my own time, but I'd feel terrible being a failure when people are paying way too much money to have me explain stuff to them.

I'm concerned that my research has really already been done, that my ideas aren't original, that I've gotten by on reading a tiny bit more than everyone else and selling my ideas with naive conviction in discussion, and that my original research is impressive only because I lucked out on finding something that no one had bothered to study before. (and this research is something I am moving away from)

That said: Other people, who are much smarter than I, at the very least see some potential in me, so I guess all I can do is continue recklessly crashing forward like I have for the last few years and hope not to disappoint them.

And at least if I am an impostor as an academic the stakes are relatively low: if I was an imposter electrician I'd burn down a house, an imposter bus driver and I kill a bus load of people, an impostor chef and I give people salmonella, etc. As an aspiring academic one dies if I do turn out to be a fake, and that takes a bit of the pressure off.

p.s.

flit: I am also heading to Trent next year... small world.

[wilderbeast]

As for whoever said they were nervous about moving to a small town, I have the opposite problem. The one school that's accepted me is in a major city; my undergrad. institution is in a rural setting (more cows than people) and less than 40,000. I have no idea how to survive in a big city without getting mugged or shot! I'm paranoid that I'll accidentally get lost on the seedy side of town and get shot for it!

I also feel the imposter thing... my GRE scores are apparently what kept me out of most programs, and I feel like the qualifying exam is just like another GRE. If I couldn't ace the GRE, what will happen with the qualifier?? I'm pretty sure that otherwise I'll be able to pass my classes and whatnot, but it's going to be ridiculously hard...

[Aceflyer]

Some decent common sense should work wonders in keeping you safe. Research out which areas are shady/unsafe and avoid them. Don't go out alone late at night (most schools these days offer escort programs that you can use if needed). Carry a cell phone. Don't take shortcuts through alleys or other less-traveled areas (parks, dimly lit streets, etc.) Always be attentive to your immediate surroundings; don't walk around listening to an iPod with your head in the clouds. Listen to your instincts. Look confident and look like you know exactly where you're going. Don't leave attractive valuables hanging out in plain sight either on your person or in your car (a large purse, conspicuous jewelry, an iPod, an expensive cell phone, a GPS, etc.) Remember to lock (not just close) all doors and windows and don't leave the key under the doormat or something ridiculous like that. And so on...

And don't worry so much. Cities are a lot safer than you might think.

Qualifying exams are nothing like the GRE or any other standardized test. Quals are often tailored to each student and are often research-based. Programs generally want students they admit to succeed; most programs don't use quals as a means of trimming down their class (there are a few notorious exceptions but if your program is one of these notorious few you'll doubtlessly have heard about it already).

[Fromageball]

The way I look at it, there was something on all of our applications that made the admissions committee believe we will succeed as grad students, so why question the experts?

[rising_star]

The way I look at it, there was something on all of our applications that made the admissions committee believe we will succeed as grad students, so why question the experts?

That doesn't make the fear that they picked you by mistake go away.

[jferreir]

I'm concerned that my research has really already been done, that my ideas aren't original, that I've gotten by on reading a tiny bit more than everyone else and selling my ideas with naive conviction in discussion, and that my original research is impressive only because I lucked out on finding something that no one had bothered to study before.

I feel largely the same. I can't help but feel that my ideas are completely fraudulent - that my writing is a simple recapitulation of what other thinkers have already articulated. Aside from this "impostor syndrome", I'm also deeply afraid on a personal level. I recently split with my partner of 4 years and it feels like my world has been thrown upside down. I fear that I won't have the emotional support that I'll need during this stressful time and that I'll crumble under the pressure as a result. On top of that, I'm still having trouble securing summer employment, which is only adding to the stress. Previously, my biggest fear was flunking out... now my biggest fear is that I'll end up hating what I love to study (in addition to flunking out).

I have this little voice in my head that's just telling me to give up now. I don't feel like I belong. This sucks.

[Canofbeans]

I keep thinking that maybe my acceptance was just a mistake and they're going to take it back any day now, or that some stupid minor detail will prevent me from going to grad school, or that it's all an elaborate prank, and that sometime between now and the time I'm expecting to go to grad school, I'm going to get an email saying "LMAO, U fell for it u n00b!!! LOL! what a L053R! w3'r3 just 2 L33T 4 U, 5UCKA!!! ~from University X".

But I'm scared mostly because of where I'll likely be moving. I'll be going from Boston to LA. I'll be without a car, and I heard public transportation is a nightmare in LA. Plus there's the high rent that I'll have to deal with. I'm unemployed at the moment so anything money-related is guaranteed to make me wince. I imagine I'll be living off ramen for my first year :twisted:

I'm actually extremely psyched that I'm going to grad school, though. It's just that I keep worrying about everything that could trip me up.

Goodness, the first email offer I got, I was almost certain was a mistake, it was my first choice with funding! Then I got a second offer with more money from the same university but a different program, then I got my third and fourth from other schools. I couldn't refuse any of them because I couldn't be certain that the one I picked was the real one. What made it worse, is that I went to visit two of the campuses and at one of the universities, where I got admitted into two programs (my first choice); I was speaking to a prof, I had told him that I received admissions to both programs and he looked at me funny and just said, "well you must have had a very special application profile because both those programs are extremely competitive." It also doesn't help when I almost certain that I would get rejected everywhere, glad to see I'm not the only one.

[TulipOHare]

I'm scared in a different way... I'm scared that this was the one time that doing the sensible, rational, not-taking-any-chances thing won't pay off.

I got into two schools, both about the same rank, both with great placement stats. School A might get me funding later this summer (it's not me, it's general school/budget issues); School B gave me no funding (with low odds of ever getting any) and is in a much more expensive place to live. I really, really, really wanted to go to School B; it felt like a perfect match and the program was exactly what I wanted. But School B's loan bill would stack up to $80,000 from tuition alone, probably six figures once I factored in fees and living expenses. School A, all put together, costs $40,000, even if I don't end up getting any funding. So I picked School A.

I am completely aware that from an outside perspective, I did the only sane thing to do. I'm still sad, what-ifing, and disappointed about it.

[mlle]

Heh, Tulip, I was in a very similar situation as you, except I chose school B. Now I'm worried everyone who hears about my choice will think I'm a completely irresponsible and reckless fool. I'm also worried I've made a huge mistake and the gamble I'm taking will blow up in my face. I don't think there's any right way to go about it in these situations. Different people would tell either of us we're idiots for our respective decisions depending on their views on the role school should play in how one lives their life.

Sorry, I realize we're starting to take the thread away from the original "what if I'm an inadequate scholar!!!?" theme--at least in my case that's kind of irrelevant since my experience in my traditional academic MA program sent me running and screaming from academia into a professional program, never to look back. The rest of you guys can just ignore the last couple of diversions and carry on with your scholarly self-doubt.