Sharing a hotel room with significant other

[gerbils]

This is mostly a question for people who have had experience with interview/recruitment weekends.

 

I have an interview for a PhD program at a school across the country. They are covering my hotel and transportation. I live with my long-term boyfriend who has booked tickets to check out the area at the same time. The current plan is for him to stay in the hotel with me. As far as I know I am not sharing a hotel room with other interviewees (plans would obviously change if this were the case).

 

My question is: will this setup reflect poorly on me if it's known about? Will the school be upset? I am wondering how discreet I should be when handling this situation. I don't want to give the impression that I am mooching off the school or hotel, but it's not financially reasonable for him to pay for a separate hotel unless absolutely necessary.

 

Specific questions: How much time is spent interacting with other candidates at the hotel? If I get interview questions about my readiness to move: I feel that him visiting demonstrates my pragmatism when it comes to moving my life cross country, but would it be risky to mention this in an interview if asked? Should I inform the hotel that he will be there also or will that incite complications?

 

Thanks in advance for help!

[bsharpe269]

I am a masters student, applying for phd admission for next fall. I havent been through the whole phd process yet but here is my opinion:

 

I think it is absolutely fine for you to bring him and have him stay with you. Remember that these schools are trying to convince you to come as much as you are trying to get accepted. If he will be moving to the new location with you then he also needs to checkout the area. I will bring my husband to some interviews with me next year.

[emmm]

I think it is fine that your husband is traveling with you and checking out the area/opportunities for himself. However, you should make sure to attend ALL events scheduled by the school on your own (you are probably already planning to do this), and I would suggest asking the school about the sleeping arrangements specifically. I was not told ahead of time that I would be sharing a room with another student, but no student was given a single room at one of the interviews I attended. Given current funding situations, I don't see why any school would put any student up in a single room, unless there was no other option (i.e. no other students to pair with).

[TakeruK]

I did this and here is my story:

 

My wife visited a school with me. They were originally going to have me stay with another graduate student and I asked them if my wife could visit with me (as she would have an equal vote as me as to where we move to) and said that we would prefer to make our own accommodation arrangements instead of overcrowding a grad student's place. 

 

It worked out for us that we lived within driving distance and my wife had employee benefits that gave us greatly discounted hotel rates. So, I said that since driving would save the school a lot of money compared to the students that were flying in, I asked if we could get reimbursed for the hotel instead. I asked what the maximum amount they were willing to reimburse and that we would see if we could afford to stay at a hotel within that budget. 

 

They were very accommodating and understanding to our request. They gave us a maximum of $500, which was more than enough to cover the mileage and 3 nights at a hotel with my wife's employee discount. They covered food expenses for me, including meals during the drive, but not for my wife, of course. The school also invited my wife to join in as many events with me and the other graduate students as she would like. So, she was invited to the social events and even the meals that the department provided. They even made sure she had something to do while I was in my one-on-one meetings with various professors--they gave her a campus map and set up a small desk for her to work, check email, etc. 

 

---

 

Overall, I don't think you need to worry about the school being upset. I do think you should let the school know though, just so that it doesn't even look like you are trying to hide something. Also, you might actually end up sharing and just not know about it! So just to be safe, I would let the school know. Personally, I would not be "afraid" of the school's negative opinions because I want to be in a place where my spouse would be welcomed! I would probably be better off not being in a place that would reject me because involving my spouse equally in the decision was frowned upon.

 

For what it's worth, one school did directly ask me what factors I was considering when making the decision. I was honest and gave the true answer which is an even mix of location/personal fit and academic fit. I always mentioned my spouse and that she would have an equal say in where we live for the next 5+ years. 

 

For the hotel itself, if your school confirms that you will have the room to yourself, then I wouldn't worry about informing the hotel ahead of time. Most hotels do not charge an extra cost for a second adult in a single room. Some more budget/economy hotels might do this, and the charge might just be for an extra breakfast, so I would just worry about this at check-in. It would be reasonable to expect to have to pay the extra cost of the additional occupant yourself, but that should be like $5-$10 per night.

 

Hope this works out!

[Loric]

Anywhere that puts me up with someone else without telling me explicitly first gets me walking out the door, them paying for it, and me talking shit about them to every person I can find.

[gerbils]

Thanks for all the advice!

 

Here's the update: I contacted the school and found out I will indeed be sharing the room, except for the last night. I'm in the process of looking at alternatives for him for those first nights: family acquiantances, hostels, airbnb, & craigslist. He's not picky about accomodations so we should be able to figure something out, and at least he'll get to stay there the last night. The only real downside is it will be harder to spend time exploring the town together during breaks that I might have from recruitment events.

 

I probably won't contact the school about other options at this point since it seems like they are pretty far along in the planning process. If we really can't find something affordable I may do it, though. Just in the off chance that there is an odd number of people and they are wiling to let me be the person who doesn't have to share.

[Loric]

What are you applying for...?

 

And honestly i'd priceline the whole thing at some absurdly low point for like 4 star and then crash on my own. Hit up betterbidding.com and biddingfortravel.com to see how to get the good hotels dirt cheap.

[TakeruK]

Thanks for all the advice!

 

Here's the update: I contacted the school and found out I will indeed be sharing the room, except for the last night. I'm in the process of looking at alternatives for him for those first nights: family acquiantances, hostels, airbnb, & craigslist. He's not picky about accomodations so we should be able to figure something out, and at least he'll get to stay there the last night. The only real downside is it will be harder to spend time exploring the town together during breaks that I might have from recruitment events.

 

I probably won't contact the school about other options at this point since it seems like they are pretty far along in the planning process. If we really can't find something affordable I may do it, though. Just in the off chance that there is an odd number of people and they are wiling to let me be the person who doesn't have to share.

 

I think if you wait longer it will be even harder for the school to make other options work for you. Did you mention that your partner will be visiting with you when you asked if you would be sharing the room? In my field, even at the interview level, I would definitely ask for them to allow me to make my own accommodation arrangements instead and ask for them to cover the equivalent amount that they would have spent on half a hotel room. In my opinion, if they are completely unwilling to work with you to arrange something to help you get your partner to visit as well, then it would be something I would be worried about. 

 

But maybe you didn't mention your partner and it's understandable to not want to "rock the boat" at the interview stage. 

 

I also agree with Loric--I'd be upset if a school did not mention sharing living arrangements when making bookings for me! It's perfectly understandable that for budget reasons, it makes sense to put 2 people in a room, but they should at least inform everyone up front and give them the option of making their own arrangements if they don't want to stay with another person. Some people might have personal/health reasons to need to stay alone and this method does not respect that. Even if the school will make alternate arrangements if the student brings it up, it requires the student unnecessarily revealing their personal/health reasons. If it was presented at a choice (book your own hotel, or stay with us for a reduced price etc.) then it would be much more inclusive of all types of needs.

[Eigen]

I think a lot of this depends on the program, type of visit, and level. If this is an interview or a post-acceptance visit, etc. 

 

I was up front about being married, and all of the programs suggested accommodations for my wife with ease, a lot even asked if she would be applying/interested in grad school and offered to set her up interviews/visits to those programs. 

[Socrates1]

Anywhere that puts me up with someone else without telling me explicitly first gets me walking out the door, them paying for it, and me talking shit about them to every person I can find.

 

Seriously? Yeah, it'd be slightly annoying, but I think I'd much rather get into graduate school if I get an interview than throw a tantrum over something so petty and kill any chance of being admitted to the program.

[TakeruK]

Seriously? Yeah, it'd be slightly annoying, but I think I'd much rather get into graduate school if I get an interview than throw a tantrum over something so petty and kill any chance of being admitted to the program.

 

I agree--I would be upset, as I said above, but I should clarify that I would not "throw a tantrum" or the other actions Loric described at all. I would just factor that into my decision making process. I would probably never "confront" the school about it, unless I ended up attending that same school. If so, then I would politely suggest that they be more clear in future invitations for the reasons I mentioned above. 

[Loric]

Seriously? Yeah, it'd be slightly annoying, but I think I'd much rather get into graduate school if I get an interview than throw a tantrum over something so petty and kill any chance of being admitted to the program.

 

I've gotten into graduate school, it's not all it's cracked up to be.. and there were definitely little hints of the BS during my interview that I glossed over in my excitement.

 

Nowadays, if presented the same scenario.. the answer would be "no thanks."

[Tanids]

Question for you guys - I live around the area about an hour away from one of my schools I will be interviewing at. They ask if we are centrally located and can drive to to their location and don't require flight and/or hotel. Would it be bad to request a hotel so that I can easily get to and from all the activities without worrying about transportation back and forth?

[TakeruK]

3 hours ago, Tanids said:

Question for you guys - I live around the area about an hour away from one of my schools I will be interviewing at. They ask if we are centrally located and can drive to to their location and don't require flight and/or hotel. Would it be bad to request a hotel so that I can easily get to and from all the activities without worrying about transportation back and forth?

If you are not able to or not comfortable driving there and back each day, I think it's okay to say that and ask for a hotel like the other visiting students. You should not be expected to do extra work because you happen to live closer. This is just my opinion though, I can't know for sure how your school would react. 

Another thing you can say is that you don't have access to your own vehicle on those days so you would be taking bus/train/whatever and would prefer to stay the night. 

[fuzzylogician]

^ I'd second this. I think it's fair because you want to be able to do whatever evening activities others are doing and not have to worry about beating traffic and/or drinking too much (if that's what you want to do and it's what others are doing; obvious caveats about getting drunk during interviews apply). Adding a two-hour commute to your day during the interview process wouldn't really be fair.