Losing it

[Pretty_Penny]

Hi everyone,

 

Thanks for your support! The meeting is over. It was not at all like what I expected - she was weirdly nice, though in a very passive aggressive way. She acknowledged that she knows I have been distressed and that she cares about me and wants me to succeed and doesn't want me to quit grad school. In response to my reasons for leaving she said that no one will give me the kind of guidance I want (how does she know what I want?) and that I think switching labs will solve all my problems but that it won't. She said I should take time to work on my own problems instead of putting it on her. She even said she thinks I should take a leave of absence, which I said I would consider. But then I realized if I took a leave of absence I would have to drop everything and leave now. What I really want is to leave the lab, which is causing distress, but to finish my courses and TA classes. I articulated that to her and she again insisted switching wouldn't help. Eventually she said "you're not going to be swayed?" and I responded affirmatively and she said I could always change my mind and I tearfully thanked her and left.

 

I have two concerns. 1) I have no idea what to do now about the lab. I asked her about finishing up outstanding work and she laughed in a derisive way (like I'm not even working on anything, or at the very least anything important). I asked her if I needed to do anything like inform the undergraduates and she said "no." Am I done? Like should I clean out my office and stop showing up to meetings? This is what I want and effectively in my mind I have ended the working relationship but it really felt like there was no resolution, no tying up of loose ends. I have to email the area coordinator about meeting with my advisor so I think I will ask her how to proceed? And 2) there is the concern over what I do now. I am supposed to write a research summary and submit it for the faculty to discuss and see if they can place me in a lab. However, my friends are convinced if I don't contact potential advisors ahead of time I will be setting myself up to fail because there will be no one to advocate for me. I'm inclined to agree that my chances of being retained by the program are slim, but I'm in such a bad frame of mind that I can't even think about my interests or who I should work with or who I should be contacting. I feel like making a decision in the place I'm in will just lead to more failure down the line, but this needs to be done soon. I could just let it go and let them kick me out (or rather let them strongly suggest I leave), but it's been hard to untangle the misery of the lab from all of grad school and I don't know if leaving is the best option or not (though I am prepared to do so if it is the ONLY option).

 

Please advise.

[IRToni]

 

I have two concerns. 1) I have no idea what to do now about the lab. I asked her about finishing up outstanding work and she laughed in a derisive way (like I'm not even working on anything, or at the very least anything important). I asked her if I needed to do anything like inform the undergraduates and she said "no." Am I done? Like should I clean out my office and stop showing up to meetings? This is what I want and effectively in my mind I have ended the working relationship but it really felt like there was no resolution, no tying up of loose ends. I have to email the area coordinator about meeting with my advisor so I think I will ask her how to proceed? And 2) there is the concern over what I do now. I am supposed to write a research summary and submit it for the faculty to discuss and see if they can place me in a lab. However, my friends are convinced if I don't contact potential advisors ahead of time I will be setting myself up to fail because there will be no one to advocate for me. I'm inclined to agree that my chances of being retained by the program are slim, but I'm in such a bad frame of mind that I can't even think about my interests or who I should work with or who I should be contacting. I feel like making a decision in the place I'm in will just lead to more failure down the line, but this needs to be done soon. I could just let it go and let them kick me out (or rather let them strongly suggest I leave), but it's been hard to untangle the misery of the lab from all of grad school and I don't know if leaving is the best option or not (though I am prepared to do so if it is the ONLY option).

 

 

It sounds to me like taking a leave of absence to get your research interests figured out, and figure out whether this is what you want/ the university you're at can provide you with this, would be a good idea! That way, you can spend some time figuring things out without the pressure, and there is the option of coming back/reapplying elsewhere/doing something else with your life!

Edited February 28, 2014 by IRToni

[Lisa44201]

A leave of absence may also help protect your spot in the overall program.

[emmm]

She sounds very manipulative and you are better off out of there. Don't let anything she said make you feel worse about yourself. She is a failure as a mentor, and that's that. As to what to do now, ask your graduate program director for advice/assistance. They should realize this is very stressful for you (it is -- I switched labs under practically ideal conditions, and it was STILL stressful), and they should be supportive. If they aren't, I would seriously consider switching PROGRAMS, if you are in a position to do so (not tied down geographically due to family constraints, for example). Best of luck -- you really could use some good friends right now -- I hope you have some nearby.

[Pretty_Penny]

Hi everyone,

 

Thanks for the replies. I have decided to finish off my classes and TA work this semester and then take a leave of absence. I honestly don't believe I will be returning, but I feel better knowing that I can if I find myself wanting to when I am in a clearer mental state.

 

I'm quite happy with this decision. I need to find some work to fill the credits that used to be occupied by my research lab, but the university wants to keep me around to finish out my TAship so that shouldn't be too hard to do. The only problem I am having is that I am taking some serious attitude from the senior graduate student in the lab I left. Apparently, she is very angry about it and about me not coming to her to tell her. I had asked my previous advisor if I should let other lab members know and she told me not to. I assumed, in that case, my advisor would tell this student. Of course, it seems she heard from gradual trickling of this news through the department and is mad about that.

 

Honestly, it isn't her or anyone else's business. This was between me and my advisor. And it's not like this graduate student devoted a ton of time to helping me in the first place. We were always told how busy she is and how we need to respect her time!

[PhDerp]

Go you! I hope everything works out, and I'm glad to hear you've taken the steps necessary to make your life better. Keep it up!

[fuzzylogician]

Pretty_Penny, I'm not sure if you're still around and reading this thread, but I just read a blog post that made me think of you, so I'm posting it here in case it can help. 

 

http://tenureshewrote.wordpress.com/2014/03/31/how-to-do-a-medical-leave/ 

[KindaHardWorker]

Haha I hate stats.

[Pretty_Penny]

Hey everyone! I just wanted to give you all a (happy) update on this story. 

 

I left my program in May and spent the summer working a minimum wage job in a bakery that I had worked at during the summers when I was in college. It may seem like a huge step down from a top 5 PhD program in your field, but the people were great and I decorated some kick a** cakes! It helped me start to get my confidence back. In December, I started working for a nonprofit organization that goes into the homes of at-risk families and educates them on positive parent child interaction, child development, and family well-being. Not only am I using my psych degree from undergrad and my year in a developmental psych PhD program, but I am also using my undergrad Spanish degree, as I was hired to work with Spanish-speaking families! It is a perfect fit, everyone is kind and helpful, and I have been able to contribute already in many ways (e.g., helping to write grants, translating on home visits). 

 

I am technically still on my leave of absence, but as soon as I get a free weekend I will be sending a letter announcing my intentions not to return and detailing what happened during my time in grad school. I eventually plan to work toward in Master's in a related field, possibly social work. I feel like I am really helping people and making a difference in people's lives, and I'm far far away from my crazy adviser! Thanks for your support throughout this journey!

 

Also, I spoke with my undergraduate adviser. Turns out my grad school adviser has only graduated one, ONE, student in her LONG tenure at my grad institution. Neither of us knew the extent of her behavior, and my undergrad adviser felt horribly about how it turned out. I guess most of her student's quit or join a different lab. My crazy grad adviser was also quite confrontational with my undergrad adviser at a conference they both attended this summer, simply because they have differing opinions on a certain aspect of development. Dodged a bullet there!

Edited January 20, 2015 by Pretty_Penny

[fuzzylogician]

Thanks for the update! I'm glad to hear that things are looking up for you  

[lyonessrampant]

So glad to hear that things have improved!  What a journey you had.  It's awful that your former advisor has ruined so many academic careers.  I hope that all of the people she turned away found as satisfying a life course as you have.  Best wishes.