Living away from your spouse for grad school?

[LightorDark]

My SO and I have been together for one year, but we were apart most of the time. We were at the same college but now he's doing PhD in California and I am finishing my last year of undergraduate. I wish that I would be accepted into his school but I haven't heard back anything from that particular school. Meanwhile, I have received offers from some other schools, and some of them are on the east coast. Some professors from the east coast want to talk to me about my thoughts of the school immediately after I got the admission email. I'm wondering if it is proper to let them know my personal situation at this stage? Does anyone else have any experiences/thoughts/suggestions on this issue?

Thank you very much! I wish you all can end up in a good place with your SO and family together. 

Edited February 9, 2017 by LightorDark

[biotechie]

Since this thread popped up on my feed, I feel I should add my two cents.

Backstory: I'm a 4th year PhD student in the biomedical sciences, and my fiance and I have lived apart since the second year of my masters. That's almost 5 years of our 7 year relationship. When I was applying to schools, we had lots of conversations about where I was going to go and what he was going to do as he had just finished undergrad. I was willing to stay near him for PhD if I could get into a school, but we decided that my education and career were important and that I needed to go to the best place for me to get on track. Then I got into a program that I fell in love with. Still, he had to convince me to go without him, citing that I would hate myself if I didn't go (which was true). Shortly after, he got a stellar job, and we decided that it would be best if he stayed where he was, 1000 miles away, to get the experience he would need to score a similar job when it is time for me to postdoc. Now the goal is for us to get married later this year, then graduate in the 6 months after, and he will move with me for my postdoc. This should put both of us on track for our careers and have us set up well after I graduate. It seems hard, and it definitely is, but it is worth it.

When I interviewed, I actually got asked if I had any ties that would keep me from coming, and I responded that, while my boyfriend was staying back home, I was serious about my education. If they don't ask, I wouldn't bring it up unless that's the reason you're rejecting their admissions offer. Even then, I probably wouldn't say anything about it.

Here are some ways we've been able to stay strong though 5 years of long distance relationship:

1. Video chat: Every. Single. Night. Unless one of us has a conference or other engagement. We turn on the chat and keep it on while we make dinner, while I read papers, etc. It is the closest we've found to mimic hanging out in the evenings like we used to during undergrad. Recently, we've been using https://www.rabb.it/ to chat. We like this because we can lock the room, and watch netflix or youtube videos together. Right now the service is free because it is in Beta. I don't know if it will always be like that. Previously, we used Google Hangouts, but they're taking out the YouTube shared player.

2. Virtual dates: Along with the video chat, we try to make the same meals a couple of times a month and eat them together over video chat. Sometimes this ends badly for him as I'm the better cook.  But this is a fun thing we can do together. We will also sometimes go to a restaurant and have what we call snap chat dates.

3. Send each other random things for no reason: My fiance always sends me little care packages when I've got a deadline coming up. Sometimes there's a local soda I love from home, and other times there are puzzles or a new book. Yesterday I came home to find a dozen chocolate covered strawberries waiting on my step. I send him new ties, random nerdy shoelaces and socks, or weird candies I find around here. It is really fun to send him something just because, and it helps him remember I'm thinking of him.

4. Play together: We play video games together. He totally kicks my ass, every time (because he has more time to play), but we have a blast, and we can do it long distance. We started playing through the original Pokemon Red and Pokemon Blue. Since we can't play those online, we trade pokemon and battle when we see each other. I know other couples who always have WordsWithFriends, etc. going. In addition, I include him in game nights I have here. You can stream games like the JackBox games on twitch, which he can tune into and play with us.

5. Play apart: Despite doing at least a short video chat each night, we make sure that we also hang out with friends where we're at. These friends become a very important support system. They're the group you can turn to when you have a grad school freakout and you know your significant other is at work (or who help you get plane tickets when said significant other has appendicitis and gets hospitalized or who call your fiance for you when you break your leg). It helps to not rely on one person for all of your emotional support, and it is far less stressful on them when you do this as well. Making sure you have this support system is vital to surviving grad school. 

6. Make stress management a priority. Your significant other will thank you: This goes along with #5, but you also can't dump all of your stress on them. For me, this meant joining a concert band. I relieve most of my stress through music as it allows me to emote in a way that science does not. I also volunteer teaching little kids about science. Sometimes I just color or paint. Have a couple of things you do consistently and a couple of things that you do sometimes.

6. Visit as often as possible: For us, this means we see each other at least every 2 months. That doesn't seem like very often, but he will take a 4 day weekend, and I will shorten my normally 60-hour week and also take the weekend. This year, we're going to get to see each other almost once a month due to wedding planning, and so far, we're loving it. You'll want to make sure your credit cards get you good airline miles points, because other wise those plane tickets get expensive!

7. Save some fun things to do with them: I moved to Houston, which is a HUGE city with lots to do. There's broadway shows, NASA, tons of museums, and it is a Foodie's dream. Every time I know he has a trip planned to see me, I find something new and fun that we haven't done yet. That might mean I miss out on doing it with friends, but in the past 4 year's, I've gotten to see him take in his first broadway musical, his first food truck treat, and he's pushed me through some firsts, too. This makes each visit a little more special, and I think we'll keep doing similar things for date nights when we finally move together.

8. The little things matter, and somewhere along the line, these became habits that make us feel cared for: We don't forget to remind each other that we care every day. We say goodnight each night, and good morning each morning. He makes sure I'm safely home each night. I make sure he buys groceries that include vegetables. etc.

If I think of more, I will add them.

[GunterFan]

I did the ol' long-distance thang with my fancee last year. I only went to a one-year program, but even that wasn't fun. I'm happy to say we made it out alive and are happily living in the same time zone now. I second what others have said, especially the video-chatting. We video-chatted very day and/or night. One thing that really made it all bearable was Rabb.it, which allowed us to watch our TV shows that we both liked. Stupid, I know, but it really helped. Good luck!

[BenLinus6]

I’m sure that if you are coming from a third country, it is more reasonable to put every effort in finding a new partner on the spot. It should give you broader opportunities for integration and immigration...

[seh0517]

I gotta say, this feed made me feel much better and a little silly about stressing over my situation. 

I am starting a Masters program in the Fall in Public History and have been applying for some internship positions for the Summer. There haven't been many locally that fit what I need experience in (3 applied, 1 rejected so far), so I have started looking for some outside of my city to consider. I have found many more than I expected that are paid and provide housing/boarding, but they are all in different states. Which, is the only way one out of state would be doable for me, as I am married and share financial responsibilities with my husband and he wouldn't be able to cover everything alone while I'm gone if I wasn't getting paid or had to pay for housing. 

These would be in the summer, so only a few months, but I still have felt intense guilt about leaving for that long. My husband is 100% supportive and is encouraging me to do it because he knows it will be good for my education and career, and he knows it would be an adventure for me as well. He's like, "yea sure it will suck and I will miss you, but it will be good for your goals. Go for it!" But somehow, I'm still feeling, "what kind of spouse am I to leave for that long?" I have never heard of or met anyone in my situation doing this (outside of military relationships, which I have been involved with in the past) but I still struggled with this like it is selfish of me. 

Finding this feed made me feel much better about my decision to apply to these. I feel like I was being a bit hard on myself about it now. It's ONLY a few months! Others do it for years for their career and still have healthy relationships. Long distance is hard, I know that firsthand. But I know my husband and I will have no problem with that part of the deal. I am so excited for the potential adventure my summer will be, now! 

So, thanks for sharing your stories! They've helped my courage! 

[mdivgirl]

Interesting topic.  I live in Asia and plenty of people leave children with grandparents to work in the city, but it is hard on the kids.  Right now I am in a somewhat similar situation.  I am starting grad school in the summer and though I am American neither my husband or oldest (adopted) child are.  I could have timed their immigration paperwork better, but honestly there were so many nit-picking details to worry about that eventually I just put it aside to focus on actually getting into grad school -- which in turn gave me great evidence for my American "domicile" to prove I was really coming back to sponsor them since I have been overseas for more than a decade.  Honestly I never saw myself making this decision to break up the family even for a short time, but my husband is very supportive and the kids so far are handling the thought well (though they are only 3 - 6 so I don't know how much they understand.). Unfortunately, immigration is more delayed these days considering the recent international climate.  Fortunately we are on the last few steps (I hope) of the process and I think they should be able to come by Thanking or Christmas at the latest, but emotionally and practically this isn't very easy.  Still, if I don't do it, we'll never leave so we are doing a lot of planning and contingency planning.  I know my oldest will be OK without me because he loves where we are now and gets along great with his dad.  My younger two are going to have to come with me because emotionally they would not cope as well even though it would make logistics easier.  (Except for the flight.  I could not see my husband navigating international travel with three small children unaided!). But all that to say, you know your child the best and not all kids and family dynamics are the same.  If it's a long degree, your SO could always start looking for jobs closer  especially if your child(ren) aren't handling it well. so just because you say "yes" doesn't necessarily mean you are committing to the entire time apart.