Apathy

[agalaapple]

I apologize in advance for such a depressing post.

 

Yet another unsuccessful round of graduate school applications has exacerbated my apathy (in other words, I am more apathetic).

 

I am apathetic about having a career, spouse, home, children, etc. I have no career ambitions. I do not feel like dating because dating requires too much exertion of effort. I am not motivated by anything because I am very content with everything. For instance, I am not interested in improving my 5k time nor am I motivated in ever making a high salary. I am happy with the way things are. I do not feel the need to get better at anything. Thus, perhaps the graduate programs that I applied to could tell that I was putting up a facade that I actually care about pursuing a PhD.

 

I do not care about learning new job-related skills or meeting new people. I never go out to social functions. I always decline invitations to go snowboarding, go to bars, etc. because I hate these social settings. There is a standard, normal way to have a small-talk conversation, but this socially-constructed way to have such a conversation is so unbearable ("What do you do? Where are you from? How long have you lived here?"). I would much rather talk about interesting things, such as "What is the last great book that you read?" or "How weird are you?"

 

I know it is not "normal" for one to be apathetic about so many things, but I prefer living life from an existential perspective, i.e. I live in a way where above all else I simply exist, and I live in such a way where I alone find meaning in my own little world, but often this way of life is atypical from others. I feel like I am simply waiting for life to pass me by. Life moves so quickly, and while I observe this, I do nothing to "seize the day." If it is nice outside, I don't really care because it will be nice outside another day in the future.

 

On the weekends, I usually lay awake in my bed for several hours before getting up for the day because all I want to do is hear my thoughts and listen to the birds outside.

 

I do have hobbies, such as exercise, listening to the Beatles, learning languages, reading literature, and star-gazing; however, I hate having to work, and I feel that if I pursue a career in any of my interests, then I will quickly lose interest because such work requires exertion of effort and mastery of a skill. It is way more appealing to pursue these interests on a part-time basis (a few hours per week will suffice) and never become too talented in any one activity.

 

I think my current job is so meaningless, and I do not care about doing a good job. Everyone knows that I am lazy (Although some days I work 14 hours a day, I am super lazy at work because I am apathetic about my career). I hate having to sell myself for an hourly wage just so I can fit into the working American livelihood. Money doesn't really do anything for me other than allowing me to buy Chipotle. 

 

I frequently quit things. I dropped out of graduate school. I quit a job. I got another job a few months later, and I'd like to quit yet another job. I do not know why I am posting this rant other than to describe to you how someone else in America thinks. I know "what I am supposed to be doing," but that way of life is so dull to me. I am getting older by the second, and I don't really care.

[Aenrichus]

It sounds to me like depression, which not exercising will exacerbate. Join a book club or go to a bookstore to discuss books. Meetup.com has weird people of all interests. Move abroad where the cost of living is low and there are entirely new experiences available. Doing nothing will only deepen the rut.

[EngineerGrad]

Oh come on, you are better than that!

Everything happens for a reason. Put a smile on your face! :-)

[katiegud]

Maybe you need a career change? Something drastically different than what you are doing?

 

Personally I had a crisis like this during my first round of graduate school, and ended up dropping out of my doctoral program, but it was a great decision for me! I would have been miserable in that career. It took a few years of experimenting to find a career path that really interested me again, and I did feel like I was just floundering for awhile. You sound pretty depressed, so a major life change might be what you need to bring you back to "life."

[emguth]

I second what Aenrichus said. And would add that it may help to go see a counselor or someone along those lines.

[Nautiloid]

It's strange to feel nothing at all and then have someone call the apathy depression, but that's exactly what it is. It may not be chronic, and it may not be traditional, but having no motivation in life for anything you're doing is a very difficult situation to be in. I felt much the same as you've described a couple of years ago when I was about half way through undergrad. I felt like I was studying biology just to study something (I had forgotten my original reason), and I didn't see much worth doing anything with it past obtaining my degree. It is extremely important to know, however, that the sense of apathy that I felt was not inherent, but a symptom of a bigger problem. Mostly, I was afraid of totally devoting myself to one thing, especially something I wasn't entirely sure I was intelligent enough to do (insecurity was a big problem for me, personally). 

What changed? 

Very small things over a long period of time. 

 

I started challenging myself and jumping into courses that I thought were beyond my skill level. I eventually stopped fearing failure and embraced it as an old friend who I would come to meet over and over, but each time I'd learn something profound from it. I abandoned schedules and rigidity. Sometimes this caused me trouble, but it was worth it in the long run. None of this is easy though. It takes a lot of time and effort to change an attitude, especially if it's been around for 8 years or more. Even now, I struggle with wondering whether or not I'll stay motivated. There are still often days I feel like a complete impostor in my field, but it's, very gradually, getting better.

 

Just know that you're not alone in feeling this way. Lots of people begin their careers with oppressive apathy towards the future. That's sort of what exploration is all about. You have to try and find yourself, even if you don't like what you discover. I'm not entirely sure that I'll have success in a PhD program, or that I'll even finish the first year, but that isn't going to stop me from trying. I hope this has given you something to ponder, and maybe a glimmer of hope that things will improve with time. Best wishes.    

[MoJuiced]

Stuff sucks. But nothing rules. I am simultaneously a passionate and profoundly indifferent person. When you reach pure apathy, it's like, why not do stuff, even without motivation -- disinterested effort and suffering is better than small talk. When you truly reach "Who Cares?", then what reason is there to worry about feeling apathetic? It's almost a self-fixing state of contradiction. When nothing is fun, then taking a crap is as fun as winning the Olympics. 

 

On the other hand lying in bed for hours and listening to birds -- that's just purely the stuff of gods.

[agalaapple]

Thank you so much for your responses.

 

I think I am rather normal, but I also think the typical hyper-capitalistic, American livelihood that I loathe is the actual abnormality to human nature. My "unnatural" livelihood is being rejected, so the status quo calls me depressed. Thus, people say that I need to take some medication so that I can fit back in line. 

[emguth]

agalaapple, please don't take what I said to mean that I was suggesting you seek medication. Just honestly talking to someone helps tremendously. They don't even have to be a professional. Those are just a lot of strong feelings to hold onto on your own. Even venting will help.

[AwesomeBird]

I apologize in advance for such a depressing post.

 

Yet another unsuccessful round of graduate school applications has exacerbated my apathy (in other words, I am more apathetic).

 

I am apathetic about having a career, spouse, home, children, etc. I have no career ambitions. I do not feel like dating because dating requires too much exertion of effort. I am not motivated by anything because I am very content with everything. For instance, I am not interested in improving my 5k time nor am I motivated in ever making a high salary. I am happy with the way things are. I do not feel the need to get better at anything. Thus, perhaps the graduate programs that I applied to could tell that I was putting up a facade that I actually care about pursuing a PhD.

 

I do not care about learning new job-related skills or meeting new people. I never go out to social functions. I always decline invitations to go snowboarding, go to bars, etc. because I hate these social settings. There is a standard, normal way to have a small-talk conversation, but this socially-constructed way to have such a conversation is so unbearable ("What do you do? Where are you from? How long have you lived here?"). I would much rather talk about interesting things, such as "What is the last great book that you read?" or "How weird are you?"

 

I know it is not "normal" for one to be apathetic about so many things, but I prefer living life from an existential perspective, i.e. I live in a way where above all else I simply exist, and I live in such a way where I alone find meaning in my own little world, but often this way of life is atypical from others. I feel like I am simply waiting for life to pass me by. Life moves so quickly, and while I observe this, I do nothing to "seize the day." If it is nice outside, I don't really care because it will be nice outside another day in the future.

 

On the weekends, I usually lay awake in my bed for several hours before getting up for the day because all I want to do is hear my thoughts and listen to the birds outside.

 

I do have hobbies, such as exercise, listening to the Beatles, learning languages, reading literature, and star-gazing; however, I hate having to work, and I feel that if I pursue a career in any of my interests, then I will quickly lose interest because such work requires exertion of effort and mastery of a skill. It is way more appealing to pursue these interests on a part-time basis (a few hours per week will suffice) and never become too talented in any one activity.

 

I think my current job is so meaningless, and I do not care about doing a good job. Everyone knows that I am lazy (Although some days I work 14 hours a day, I am super lazy at work because I am apathetic about my career). I hate having to sell myself for an hourly wage just so I can fit into the working American livelihood. Money doesn't really do anything for me other than allowing me to buy Chipotle. 

 

I frequently quit things. I dropped out of graduate school. I quit a job. I got another job a few months later, and I'd like to quit yet another job. I do not know why I am posting this rant other than to describe to you how someone else in America thinks. I know "what I am supposed to be doing," but that way of life is so dull to me. I am getting older by the second, and I don't really care.

 

 

 

Beautiful. 

 

Really.... I get you.

 

I say this with the utmost sincerity... you should be an actor. For real.

[MoJuiced]

I don't want to sound like I'm the son of a theoretical sociologist professor father with a strong background in economics and who has written the Beginner's Book on Kapital...

 

but Capitalism is the cause of most ills in our society.

[AwesomeBird]

I don't want to sound like I'm the son of a theoretical sociologist professor father with a strong background in economics and who has written the Beginner's Book on Kapital...

 

but Capitalism is the cause of most ills in our society.

 

 

Word.

[tth1989]

hi agalaapple,

 

the last great book i read was Lolita. It inspired me to keep pondering about society's rules, constructs, and boundaries... i always feel like laying in bed and daydreaming... getting up is such a chore... but i rarely can sleep throughout the night, and even if i do sleep, i sleep with my eyes open... because i truly have not done anything amazing or motivational during the day's hours.

it's very difficult to live life without realizing our callling, like why are we here?!

i hope being part of a phd program that truly supports your talents will enable you to find meaning in your life! good luck to you (and to me)...