Problems with LOR writer after acceptance

[kungfuupanda]

I'm currently in a difficult situation and would some feedback from fellow graduate students

 

I was accepted into grad school for fall 2014. This is something I have been working for the past four years and when I undertook a research position three years ago, I was upfront with my boss(LOR writer) that I was planning to go to grad school. He was very supportive and gave me many opportunities to get valuable experience in my field and I was able to get a paper published in the topic I wanted to pursue in grad school. This year I finally decided to apply and he told me he was happy to write my letter for me but that he thought I wouldn't be able to get in so soon because my undergrad marks were subpar. I ended up getting in and since then, his attitude towards me has changed. All of a sudden my research projects have been put on hold. My drafts on my current studies have not been returned to me after three months. I've been assigned to fill out paperwork, file, organize etc. When I ask him about the project progress, he gets upset and tells me that I need to learn to work on other tasks. He also frequently emails me and tell me I haven't done tasks which were actually emailed to him weeks prior. My colleagues suggest that I should quit but I only have a few more months before my contract is over. The lab is more tense as he yells at me in front of the other members.

 

Im not sure what happened. I don't want to burn bridges and I know I owe him for giving me a headstart on my cv and writing my LOR. However the situation is getting increasingly worse as I cannot take the constant blame for things out of my control. I'm not sure if I should just tough it out. Not sure what the ramifications would be if I gave him my notice to leave. I would also like my last few months before grad school to be a relaxed time.

 

Anyone ever had a similar situation? What did you do?

[bsharpe269]

If I were being treated like that then I would leave. You don't owe him anything! He have you LORs and experience and in return you have him help with his projects. This wasn't a one sided relationship, it was mutually beneficial. If it is no longer mutually beneficial then I think that you should leave just like any other job. There is no reason for an employer to treat an employee like this and you should not have to tough this out.

[Vene]

As long as your finances are in order, leave. He's being a dick.

[kungfuupanda]

Thank you for your replies vene and bsharpe!

The situation has gotten much worse to the point that I had to take it to the director. The director asked him to delegate these responsibilities to the appropriate roles however this made him even more upset at me as he now knows I went above him. I tried to salvage our working relationship during a meeting afterwards and he yelled at me for 'taking this issue out of the lab'.

I'm okay with leaving-but I'm paranoid he may do something drastic like write to the school I will be going to in the fall or rescind my lor. I would not put this past him and that is my fear of quitting.

[bsharpe269]

Do you think that quitting with an excuse like a family emergency that you need to go home for or something could let you out without pissing him off?

It sucks to lie but you don't have too many options here.

[Vene]

I didn't even think about rescinding a LOR. Can that even be done at this point where you have the acceptance in hand? I could understand a school saying no if you actively lied, but I don't know if you can be held responsible at this point for the actions of a LOR writer.

Edit: And going above the heads of people like that is a really, really good way to piss them off, as he has clearly demonstrated. I hope everything works out well in the end, I've had to work for bad bosses and it's draining.

Edited May 20, 2014 by Vene

[Domino]

I'd leave.  Write a really kind letter of resignation thanking this person for all they have done.  A little flattery goes a long way, and it sounds like this person honestly did give you a solid leg up in the research world.  Sincerely thank them for it, say you have enjoyed your time there, and quietly bow out.  Don't wait for things to get worse.

[Guest criminologist]

this is another reason why its never a good idea to get professional references, ask for academic ones instead because they won't be angry you are leaving  them

[Vene]

this is another reason why its never a good idea to get professional references, ask for academic ones instead because they won't be angry you are leaving  them

I wouldn't say never, I got an excellent LOR from a supervisor and it came up during the interviews. It was also a lot easier to get letters submitted on time from my industry LOR writers than from my academic LOR writers. Some people are dicks and people will be dicks both in academia as well as in industry.

[Katia_chan]

Could you get a letter from the director you talked to, just stating that this person has been out of line?  That way, if they try to make trouble with your upcoming school, you have someone else's word to back you up.

 

Even if you never have to send it, might be good to have a third party's commentary on his treatment available in case you have to use it.  He never has to know you have this.

[TheGirlWhoLived]

this is another reason why its never a good idea to get professional references, ask for academic ones instead because they won't be angry you are leaving  them

I don't think this is true. My boss would have written an awesome letter for me. He has known I would be leaving for a long time. On the other hand, his letter wouldn't be particularly relevant.

I think a few people, including myself, have had issues when professors expect you to stay at the university you are at.

[themmases]

Wow, I'm really sorry this is happening to you. I'm also in a toxic workplace related to the field I'm going into, and decided to stay. One element of that workplace was also a boss who thought I wouldn't get in for a while, which was obviously wishful thinking on his part. A little over a year ago, my department tried to reorganize the research program, which included announcing a rule that my coworker and I would no longer be authors on anything. We had weekly meetings with our boss about exactly what we were working on, even though we were the most productive people to ever hold this job. We'd hear rumors that younger attendings were bitter about how much we'd grown the program (basically, how two 20-something ladies with BAs made a bunch of MDs look like slackers) and were claiming we agreed to help people more in exchange for authorship. One doctor I work with a lot pulled that exact thing of claiming that I never did work that I actually had, and went so far as to search her email for every minor thing she ever asked me that she could claim I hadn't responded to, to forward it all to my boss. I cried in my boss' office! I got acute bronchitis. I spent time at work trying to fix all this right after my dog died.

 

Anywayyyy by the time I leave in July (I'm not crazy, I am taking some buffer time!) I'll have been here about 17 months since that happened. I job searched, but by the time I got responses I knew I would be leaving for grad school so I declined them. I'm kind of glad I did:

• There was time to repair the relationship, which is worth it even though I was wronged. You never know when you'll see people again, as reviewers or even people in a position to make another hiring decision about you. Since you just went though getting LORs, you know how precious a good, trustworthy reference from a convincing person really is.
• People, especially petty people, move on. Eventually the doctors with an axe to grind against me found other people they disliked more, or more interesting things to do than torture me. I even got authorship back and am named on some presentations with the people responsible. The primary person responsible loves me again now.
• If you're really in the right, other people notice and your relationships with them are important. All my grad school references were from other people in the department who were on my side, and I even got named to a hospital-wide steering committee late last year.
• It's not always up to you who future employers contact when they check your references. People could continue to contact your old boss to ask about you in the future, they don't need your permission.
• As a non-princess, food, rent, and healthcare are important to me. Most people can't just walk off a job, or get a reputation for doing so.

 

You know your own situation best, but that's just some food for thought. In the end, I'm leaving on a higher note than I ever thought possible and will never have to feel conflicted about my experience here or worry who exactly future employers will contact. The last few months sucked, but I now see them as an investment.

[kungfuupanda]

Wow thank you everyone for taking the time to reply!

Vene: In hindsight, I agree-going to the director was a bad call. Even though the director agreed with me, in the end, I'm the one who has to see him everyday and has to take the repercussions.

I don't know think going to the director for help is going to do me any good. It may even look worse that I'm going to her again for an issue against my boss. My colleagues have witnessed all this firsthand and I also have good relationships with other profs in the dept so I'm not worried they will think that I am the issue.

I'm not a princess either and this job is actually very low paying. I don't get Healthcare and I am paid less than what I should be with my qualifications and experience - yet I took this job because I knew it would do wonders for my cv and give me the research experience I need for grad school. I have two other pt jobs to support subsidize my income which is why quitting my main job would be doable. (I work weekends and Friday nights)

Themmases - sorry to hear you went through something similar. I hope things turn around for me too but I know I should also prepare my resignation in case anything goes wrong. The 'future reference' is also something I'm worried about but I hope that once I'm in grad school, my new supervisor will be my reference and as the years pass, his reference will be less relevant.

Thanks guys for the input. For now I'm going to stay put. In my mind, I think if I tough it out, at least he can't write to my new supervisor for leaving before my contract ends and he cannot ruin my reputation at my current workplace by making it seem like I used him for the LOR and left him the moment I got an acceptance.

[juilletmercredi]

Unless this guy is seriously unhinged, I think the chances of him taking the time to write to your program and rescind his letter are very very slim.

 

Why don't you approach your supervisor calmly and have a conversation with him about why his attitude towards you has changed?  You could also submit your question to askamanager.org and see what Alison has to say.

[mandarin.orange]

I wouldn't say never, I got an excellent LOR from a supervisor and it came up during the interviews. It was also a lot easier to get letters submitted on time from my industry LOR writers than from my academic LOR writers. Some people are dicks and people will be dicks both in academia as well as in industry.

 

I agree, I don't think a "no-acad-LOR-writers EVER" policy is good advice, based on one extreme story you read online. 2 out of 3 of my LORs were from former supervisors, as I'd spent 7 years out of academia. And just like Vene, those were the folks that submitted quickly and on time.

To the OP, this situation sucks and I'm sorry you are having to deal with it.

[Guest criminologist]

Its still not a good idea to get professional references though because you are apply to school not a job, that is why schools always say they prefer academic references. Its risky because when you ask them they will know you want to quit your job and you are not satisfied enough in your current position which can lead to relationships being damaged. Unless you are working with someone who has a PhD themselves and are really encouraging you to go its just better to get a academic reference. 

[Vene]

Its still not a good idea to get professional references though because you are apply to school not a job, that is why schools always say they prefer academic references. Its risky because when you ask them they will know you want to quit your job and you are not satisfied enough in your current position which can lead to relationships being damaged. Unless you are working with someone who has a PhD themselves and are really encouraging you to go its just better to get a academic reference.

Making a lot of assumptions there. Have you ever actually had a professional level job? It's not uncommon for people to leave to get more education or to try and get a higher degree while working. And when you can maintain a good relationship wtih your non-academic supervisor that means you know who to call when you graduate from your MS or PhD program and you're looking for work. Springing it on them at the last minute (or when you put in 2 week notice) makes it a lot less likely for you to retain that contact than if you used your employer as a LOR.

[dstock]

Not really applicable to OP (sorry) but to the last few comments,

 

I used a professional recommendation (former Scientist at a biotech company I worked for- he had moved on to another company).  During one of my interviews, a faculty member mentioned being impressed by that letter.  Not necessarily having anything to do with academic vs professional, but just throwing in my experience that professional recommendations are fine.  (I had 2 academic, 1 professional- was out of school for 4 years).

 

Unless you are in a job situation where many people leave for higher education, I would caution against giving too much notice.  In some labs it is common for lab techs to work for a few years and everyone knows they are applying to graduate school.  There it is normal to ask your supervisor to write a recommendation.  The company I worked for did not have that culture.  I was there for several years and no one left to go back to school.  Whenever anyone left, they gave 2 weeks or less.  I gave 3 weeks and organized the transfer of my responsibilities to other employees.  I think it would have been weird for me to give them lots of notice and ask for recommendations (it would be 6 months from when letters are due to when I quit).  I maintain a good relationship with my former coworkers and supervisors.

 

My point is, for giving notice and asking for recommendations, you really have to consider your individual situation and the culture at your job.