Anyone deal with a controlling mother in law?

[bsharpe269]

My fiance's mother is impossible to deal with. She doesnt ask us what we want to do or if plans work for us, she tells us what we will be doing and when we will do it. She treats us more childish than my parents treated me in middle school.

 

Anyone else deal with stuff like this? Hearing other people's stories might make me feel better about my own bad luck.

Edited May 22, 2014 by bsharpe269

[Sizzle]

Talk to your fiancé about it. While this woman's input may influence your life in that you might desire her approval and wished to reduce conflict, but she is not your mother, nor is she in a position to control your life. Perhaps you could demonstrate that you have a plan, solid ambitions, and a means of reaching them. You have earned her daughter's affection by the merits of your character, and she has accepted your goals. Though it may be brutal now, and seem to create hostility, now is not the time to set a precedent of letting her mother tread all over you. This is your life. Tell her, and don't let her emasculate and invalidate you. If she values you as a person, she will understand. If she doesn't, would you really sacrifice your entire life just to make a woman who doesn't accept you happy?

[tenguru]

So, you are also dating my GF??? My god, I have never met a more disagreeable person in my life. I would give specifics, but you would not believe them!

 

Actually, it is pretty much in deal breaker status. I can't imagine having this crazy woman around (or staying at my home for a month) when I have a kid. The strange thing is, it's the first time I ever had a SO's parent not just love me to death.

[QASP]

I could tell you some horror stories of in-laws, but I had the advantage that they lived a few states away. They told us when they were coming, no regard for our prior plans or anything, and every second we were with them they made my boyfriend miserable and acted horribly.

 

Honestly my advice would be to just stop showing up, and get your partner to do the same. After about a year away from that nonsense, maybe she'll decide that she values having the two of you in her life more than she values controlling your lives. More practical for those who aren't dependent on family for a support network, though. I hate toxic family members, they convince others that because they're family there is no escaping them.

[CageFree]

I have been pretty lucky in that regard, but my father's mother is a real piece of work... so much so that I cannot call her grandmother, as her hatred for my mother extended to ill treatment of my sisters and me. My father never stood up to her... always let her do whatever she wanted. It was worse when we were next door neighbors. Suffice it to say that we suspect her of trying to poison my two younger siblings with ice cream to blame my mother for it. 

 

My parents eventually split up, and he went running back to his mother... this after 30+ years of marriage.

 

So... the only thing I can say is that if your fiance doesn't stand up to her, you're in for a lifetime of hell. Have a talk with your fiance and sort this out now BEFORE you get married, or your children (should you have any) will also pay the price.

[GreenePony]

DH and I have been together for 5 years or so and I'm still pushing him to stand up to his parents (it is getting better.) Sometimes I've found it's just easier to stay quiet and just rant to DH (who has his own rants) when they're gone. However, I have made DH call them back when they inform us of their plans without consulting us, and he didn't stand up to them. In a competition of stubbornness, I win. I have made it a rule that I will not live within several hours of them. So far the closest job I have considered is 8 hours away, in another state and another time zone (my parents only get a 30 mn buffer, mostly because I don't want to live near my hometown.)

 

They're sexist, racist, pretentious, and play favorites with DH's brother so I've got plenty of material to complain about. When DH's brother's girlfriend of less than a month moved in with him (note, they had a problem if DH and I were too cozy on the couch when engaged) she was quick to "comfort" me by saying after noting that said girlfriend was Ecuador, "She's not that brown" Over graduation weekend she didn't trust me, DH, or a peer to navigate the metro, she made us miss a train to harass a metro employee for an actual map so she could feel in-charge. It certainly adds up over a visit.

 

My wonderful parents, everytime they hear she's going to be in town, will tell me they're praying for us to get through the visit

[Scarf in the wind]

Wouldn't know. I've resigned myself to being single.

 

Some friends have issues with their in-laws, others don't.

[bsharpe269]

Haha thanks for the stories guys.

 

His mother does the same thing... calls us and tells what WE will be doing that weekend. Doesnt ask if we want to do that... tells us. I am used to parents who have always treated me as an adult (even before I was one!) and let me make my own decisions. In general, I am a quiet, passive person so its hard for me to be assertive, especially against her since she is such a bold, loud person. I finally stood up for myself a couple weeks ago and repectfully told her that we are adults and she needs to ask for our opinions, not make decisions for us. She basically told me that this is her personality so deal with it. My fiance and I have been discussing how to handle it in the future and he is willing to stand up to her as well.

 

It is made worse by the fact that we live only 30 mins from her. He lived with them until we moved in together since he was trying to save money to buy a house so I think she feels like I took him from her. I am working on my masters now at the state school near us and applying to phd programs this winter... one year until we move very far away... Im counting the weeks!

[Scarf in the wind]

Haha thanks for the stories guys.

 

His mother does the same thing... calls us and tells what WE will be doing that weekend. Doesnt ask if we want to do that... tells us. I am used to parents who have always treated me as an adult (even before I was one!) and let me make my own decisions. In general, I am a quiet, passive person so its hard for me to be assertive, especially against her since she is such a bold, loud person. I finally stood up for myself a couple weeks ago and repectfully told her that we are adults and she needs to ask for our opinions, not make decisions for us. She basically told me that this is her personality so deal with it. My fiance and I have been discussing how to handle it in the future and he is willing to stand up to her as well.

 

It is made worse by the fact that we live only 30 mins from her. He lived with them until we moved in together since he was trying to save money to buy a house so I think she feels like I took him from her. I am working on my masters now at the state school near us and applying to phd programs this winter... one year until we move very far away... Im counting the weeks!

 

Thought you'd like this clip:

 

[juilletmercredi]

His mother does the same thing... calls us and tells what WE will be doing that weekend. Doesnt ask if we want to do that... tells us. I am used to parents who have always treated me as an adult (even before I was one!) and let me make my own decisions. In general, I am a quiet, passive person so its hard for me to be assertive, especially against her since she is such a bold, loud person. I finally stood up for myself a couple weeks ago and repectfully told her that we are adults and she needs to ask for our opinions, not make decisions for us. She basically told me that this is her personality so deal with it. My fiance and I have been discussing how to handle it in the future and he is willing to stand up to her as well.

 

Well, the bolded part is true to a certain extent.  I have a mother-in-law who I love dearly and is one of the sweetest people on the planet, but can also be very perfectionist and controlling.  She's mellowed out a lot in the last 10-ish years that I've known her.  One of the things I have learned is that you cannot change her personality - that is very true.  To a certain extent, you have to deal with her the way she is; don't ever expect her to change.  What you can change is the way that you respond to her - both individually and as a unit.

 

A lot of the onus is going to be on your fiance - it is, after all, his mom - so some of the standing up is going to have to come from him.  He should be the one telling her that you are adults and that she needs to ask for our opinions.  My husband has been doing this with his mom and I think it is partially responsible for the change in her (she used to bug us when we visited and now they largely leave us alone, so our visits are much more pleasant - and she definitely asks for our input now.  She wouldn't before).  He usually says it pretty calmly and off-handedly, as if it weren't a big deal.  "Mom, our household works differently from yours."  "Mom, I'm not a kid anymore."

 

On your end, though, I think you can just very politely and calmly - but firmly - turn down her demands.  It sounds like you don't live with her, so she can't really make you do anything.  If she calls you up and tells you what you are all doing for the weekend, just say "Sorry Mom, we have plans this weekend."  I mean, don't make trouble just to make trouble - if you guys want to do what she's suggesting and don't have a problem with it, it's okay to give in every now and then.  (One of the skills I have learned a lot in the last couple years is patience and letting things roll off your back.)  But if you have plans or genuinely don't want to do something, just say so, gently.  If she gets angry, that's on her - it's not like you did anything to make her angry.  Stick to your guns.

 

I have to say living far away does help.  We live 900 miles away.  We kind of want to move back home but have mixed feelings.  We love our hometown and I really want my children to grow up close to their aunts, uncle, and grandparents (we're from the same hometown; our parents live down the street from each other).  But on the other hand, parental pressure can be annoying