Do you ever work with people who insult your intelligence or undermine you regularly?

[harrisonfjord]

How do you deal with them? I generally don't say anything and just let it go, but sometimes I feel like speaking up might make things easier.

Edited July 30, 2014 by harrisonfjord

[ArthChauc]

There was a girl in my master's program who didn't outright insult my intelligence, but would reply to my comments/arguments in class with this very dismissive, condescending tone--from the way she spoke, it was obvious to myself and some of my peers that she thought what I had to say was either irrelevant or stupid. It really good under my skin and made me feel defensive when I would speak out in seminar--I noticed that I would start to qualify thinks that I said (i.e.: "of course, this isn't always the case" or "generally speaking" or "from my experience") and use a lot more filler ("um", "like", etc.) as well as overstate my points, repeating myself unnecessarily. Needless to say, it made me seem a lot less confident and nervous, when really I'm exactly the opposite--I am very self-assured and articulate. 

 

The problem was quickly resolved with one off-handed comment I made during our shared seminar--after she'd used the tone, I replied and said "I can't tell if you're mocking me or you disagree with what I'm saying or both" and she quickly apologized and even came up to me after class, saying that she had no idea she'd been rude in her responses. A slightly tense moment in class was worth the resolution that came about. 

[VulpesZerda]

A friend of mine just simply looks at people with no expression on her face and says nothing when she receives unwarranted, rude, or passive-aggressive comments. It makes them even more uncomfortable than they made her. I think it's pretty funny and effective.

 

Me, I'm more likely to brush it off, and then wish I hasn't. It depends on who it is talking to me...if I need them to do something for me, I play nice. However I agree with the above poster that saying something can definitely be worth it.

[juilletmercredi]

A friend of mine just simply looks at people with no expression on her face and says nothing when she receives unwarranted, rude, or passive-aggressive comments. It makes them even more uncomfortable than they made her. I think it's pretty funny and effective.

 

This is what I do, and yes, it does make people more uncomfortable than they made me.

[themmases]

I used to deal with this a lot and I couldn't call people out on it because it was work. I mostly dealt with it by making sure to never give them an excuse again by being good at my job and adopting a professional mask that didn't invite backtalk. I would make sure not to respond in the heat of the moment, and have a coworker who got the same treatment read my responses before I sent them.

 

About a week before I left that job, I finally talked back to someone. I was filling in for my coworker and sent their PI some extra materials I knew they would need in response to a request, and this person totally flew off the handle and got personally insulted. You could tell from her signature that she was basically emailing me on her iPhone from a meeting like an infant. This person was basically implying that a very 101-level IRB task that had been one of my minor responsibilities for years was over my head and only my coworker would understand it. Finally I wrote back and said I couldn't continue to help her if she was going to be rude. My coworker was going to be back soon and I was going to be gone soon, so I made an Outlook rule to file all her future emails without reading them so I could focus on my real work.

 

It was great! The email previews I'd still get suggest this person didn't learn her lesson (she thought she "hurt [my] feelings"), but I hope I'd do the same thing again. I don't consider that response overly harsh and not seeing her responses for a while helped me stop dwelling on the insult and focus on more deserving people.

[harrisonfjord]

I used to deal with this a lot and I couldn't call people out on it because it was work. I mostly dealt with it by making sure to never give them an excuse again by being good at my job and adopting a professional mask that didn't invite backtalk. 

 

This is what I have been working towards. I usually am really good at proving myself, but sometimes people like that make me feel like I'm not in the right place or make me question whether I am just not adopting the right professional attitude. It's definitely something I've been working towards.

 

Thank you all for sharing your bits of advice. It helps a lot!