How to politely make small changes/requests when you're the "new roommate"

[maelia8]

I just moved to the city of my new graduate life, and I moved in with two nice new roommates in a 3-bedroom apartment. The two of them have already been living together for two years and known each other for three years, so I'm the "newbie" to this roommate configuration (I'm not subletting, and our names all carry equal weight on the lease).

 

The apartment is quite nice, but the cleaning standard is a bit lower than I'm used to, and there are some organizational changes I'd like to make. For example, I'd like to reorganize the contents of some of the kitchen cabinets, get a bathroom organizer, buy a bigger bathroom trashcan, etc. I don't mind doing the cleaning and organizing myself, but my question is, how do I talk to my veteran roommates about this in a polite way? I don't want to give the impression that I hate the way they have things organized or come off as hoity-toity or pushy, and I'd be happy to make these small changes gradually. Does anybody have advice on/experience with this?

[spec789]

I would just approach them either one by one or when the two are together, and just say something very casually along the lines of "Hey, I was thinking of doing a bit of reorganizing the kitchen/bathroom, and so in the bathroom I would like to get a bigger trashcan (for example).... You don't mind, do you?"

 

The key is to be casual and positive Do not be outright critical of the place, and phrase your suggestions as "improvements". If there is a valid reason for the organization (or lack thereof) on the part of your roommates, this conversation would give them a chance to voice it.

 

Two years ago I moved into a new apartment with three other people. After a month or two, one of them thought the fridge was too messy and just unexpectedly cleaned it out. The rest of us didn't care enough to initiate a complete cleaning of the fridge, but we all appreciated the noticeable improvement and were really happy.

 

If I were in your roommates' shoes, and a new roommate thought the apartment was too messy and volunteered to reorganize and do a clean-up by himself/herself, I'd be ecstatic.

[bsharpe269]

I agree with spec that your roommates probably will not care at all as long as you don't come off as judegemental of their current system.  I wouldn't sit them down and throw everything at them at once like "hey these are all the things that I would like to change about the apartment." I would just say it like "Do you guys mind if I buy a bathroom organizer and X (whatever you want for the kitchen) so that we all have some more space for our things." What roommate would say no to that!? For the kitchen, just do a deep cleaning at some point and improve the organization as part of it. I think that most people would appreciate this, not be upset by it.

[Sigaba]

 Does anybody have advice on/experience with this?

 

Ask yourself the tough questions. Are you, in fact, "hoity toity or pushy"? There's nothing wrong with being either, but not accepting oneself for being who one is can cause issues. 

 

Manage your expectations. If your ideas and innovations don't take root, you might have to let them go or look for another place to live.

 

Communicate clearly and positively. Phrase things in terms of what outcome you want, not what you see as being "wrong" in your new place.

 

To get booty, (sometimes) you must give booty. In the event your room mates say "Okay, we'll do it your way" then expect a tit for tat request down the line. Ideally, this probably should not happen among adults living together -- one does something because one wants to do that thing, not because one wants to trade horses down the line -- yet, still.

 

Come back and let everyone know what happened. There are too many threads on this BB in which members solicit advice/guidance, but never share the outcome.

[danieleWrites]

In addition to the other excellent advice given about approaching your new roomies, I would add that you should have some strong reasons (more than one) to rearrange a kitchen. It's one thing to organize canned goods into a usable order, or to put saucers to the left of the plates because that would make the plates easier to get out of the cabinet. It's another thing to move things to different cabinets because that will disrupt the habits and patterns the other two have built up over two years and you'll likely find resistance to that.

If you're doing minor reorganization, such as grouping crackers with crackers and cookies with cookies or Roomie A's snacks with Roomie A's snacks and Roomie B's snacks with Roomie B's snacks (and you've helpfully provided bins/dividers/something) in the exact same location, just do it because these things will still be where your roomies expect them to be, just organized. If your shifting things to different cabinets or shelves, you should ask if that's okay and have a reason other than that's where you're used to things being.

As for cleaning? You're either going to have to get used to their level of cleaning or be prepared to do it yourself for the rest of your time with them. They might pick up after themselves a bit more, but if they're content with how they live, they aren't going to change that. If you don't mind doing the cleaning now, but expect them to start doing your level of cleaning later and they don't, you're going to resentful and angry for doing all the work in your shared space while they just sit around or go out and have fun after contributing to the mess. Instead of taking on the cleaning yourself, call a meeting and ask what their expectations are as to cleaning and specific chores (everyone uses the same shower, who cleans it and how often, for example) and how they're to be assigned and what consequences should happen if someone should "forget" or "not have the time" to do an assigned chore and someone else has to take up the slack.

[maelia8]

Update: we apportioned the chores on a rotating schedule (for one month, each person is responsible for either bathroom, kitchen, or living room), which is an improvement, although the others vetoed my suggestion to make sure that each person cleans their area at least twice within that time frame, so essentially there is no accountability. Some small organizational suggestions that I made (how about organizing the spices on a rack? can we put the pot lids in a more convenient drawer since they are used every day?) were rather ignominiously shot down, so I'm taking a step back to evaluate before I go any further. My offer to do more than my share of the cleaning (which I've done before, am happy to do, and would not resent), was met with apprehension and odd looks, so it might be time to start accepting the level of uncleanliness or begin looking for other living options

[juilletmercredi]

I think the issue with the 'offer' to do more cleaning than your share is that you tacitly (and perhaps inadvertently) suggested that they were dirty/less clean than you, and that's probably why there was odd looks.  I would also approach that with apprehension because I would be afraid that the roommate who was doing more cleaning would get resentful, no matter all her promises that she wouldn't.  The thing to do is that if you feel like you need to do more cleaning, just do it.  You don't need to ask for permission to clean your own tub or wash the dishes or anything, as long as you put things in the right spots.  Also, nobody is going to care if you decide to clean the tub twice a month if it's not your week or whatever, especially if you do it right out of the shower or whatnot.

 

I mean, are they slobs?  Is the place crawling with filth, or is it just that they don't clean once a week or on a regular schedule or whatever?  I'm one of those people who dislikes regular cleaning schedules.  I clean my things when they need cleaning, which is probably more often than I would on a schedule (e.g., I've cleaned my tub twice this week).

 

As someone who is picky about the way my kitchen is organized, I would also be a little peeved if a new roommate came in and tried to unilaterally change it - especially if she also suggested about a dozen other things that she had issues with.  (For example, I would rather have counter space and keep my spices in the cabinet because I like to spread out while cooking.  This may not be an issue if you have tons and tons of counter space, but most apartments don't.  I would also dislike keeping my pot lids in a drawer.)  If it was just two of us and she was making suggestions but willing to compromise or trying to come up with something that worked for both of us, that'd be okay, but since there are two of them AND it kind of comes across as though you are suggesting things that make the kitchen more convenient for you, I can see why they might have been a bit irritated.

[St Andrews Lynx]

I have never heard of a cleaning rota schedule holding together for more than ~3 weeks. And that is even when all the roommates consent that said rota is necessary. (I think that the only successful cleaning rota I can recall was the one set out by my mother when I was 7-12 years old; pocket money was held/withheld depending on my compliance.)

 

I've worked as a housekeeper & cleaner for several stretches of my life: I'm not a neatness freak...but I do tend to notice dirt and mess more than most of my past roommates. And I'm less icky about cleaning toilets. So I just buy some "communal" cleaning items, leave them in an obvious place (should anyone else be so inclined as to use them) and just do the cleaning myself whenever I have the time. If anybody comments on the fact that I do a lot of cleaning, I just smile, shrug and say "It's no bother/I find it very therapeutic/etc". Everybody's happy.

 

Unless there is a major biohazard issue I wouldn't complain or comment on how often other people choose to clean their kitchen/bathroom areas. Grad School (and indeed Life) is messy & stressful enough as it is - no need to get stressed about the mess too...

[Sigaba]

@maelia -- Please make sure you understand the guidance that dW, JM, and SAL have offered. There are meanings within meanings to be found.

 

Please understand that whatever your intentions, if you communicated to your room mates with the same tone you wrote post #6, there's a good chance that your initiative came across as motivated by the five letter word (power). Also please consider the possibility that the only way you are going to get common areas exactly the way you want them is to live alone--nothing wrong with that, but your reassessment might be most profitable from an inward look.

 

You do know that since you're at Cal, you might be in the snazziest, cleanest place to be.

 

Have you been to Top Dog yet? (Take off that red avatar...  )

[maelia8]

@juilletmercredi Unfortunately, I was explicitly told not to clean areas that are not in my domain (for example, if I'm responsible for the bathroom, I'm not supposed to clean the kitchen) after I tried the "just do it" theory, and just cleaning and moving things without asking seems uncomfortably passive-agressive to me. The problem that I have with the "I'll clean it when it needs cleaning" attitude is that everyone has a different idea of when something needs cleaning, but all roommates have to share the space. Personally I'm the sort who like to just clean everything at least once a week (usually on the same day every week), because getting into a rhythm is the best way to ensure that things are properly cleaned. I see what you're saying about reorganization and not stepping on anyone's toes, and I appreciate hearing your perspective. I have only made two suggestions in two weeks (and they were the ones who brought up a cleaning rotation, not me), so I hope I'm not overdoing it. 

 

@St. Andrews Lynx, that's odd, I've lived in two apartments for several years with different roommates, and both times, the cleaning rotation worked well and held up for the duration of that particular roommate configuration. Maybe I've been living on some strange planet … I, too, derive a perverse satisfaction in cleaning toilets and unclogging sinks and especially drains filled with giant hair rats

 

@Sigaba Don't worry, the tone that I used IRL was nothing like that used in this forum (this thread has contained a level of venting that would never come out in my speech). Living alone would be an option to consider if it weren't laughably outside of my price range (which you yourself probably know, as you seem familiar with this area), and I've had really good experiences living with roommates before (including cleaning) so I believe that the experience I'm currently having may be an outlier. Not sure why I should take off the red avatar, but blue roses don't occur naturally and I find them pretty terrifying, so I'm going to pass on your image suggestion.

[nugget]

If maintaining a certain level of cleanliness is this important to you, I think it should have been discussed prior to agreeing to live there. When you first visited the place, was there a similar level of cleanliness in the apartment as you have currently seen? Did you inquire about their living habits and any rules about living in the apartment (chores, etc) before agreeing to live there?

 

It is often easiest to negotiate living space when you live with one other person and you are both new to the apartment. When you have more than one other roommate and they have both been living there before you have, it is difficult to expect them to change their behaviours, particularly if they don't find them to be problematic and don't see the need to change.

 

It also sounds like you were quite fortunate in past living situations to find roommates with similar levels of cleanliness. I think you will need to try to try to negotiate with them and accept the fact that you will not agree on everything and you will need to let some things go at times, otherwise it may be necessary to find a new place to live if you are not getting enough of what you want out of the new living arrangements.

[bsharpe269]

Maelia, I think that you are going about this the right way and if they are having trouble with it then I wouldnt take it personally. Even though they lived their first, you need to feel comfortable in your living evnironment as well. I would not push forward the organization thing since they seem to like how things are currently organized but you do not need permission to clean more. I like Lynx's suggestion of keeping communal items around and using them when needed. For example, if there is a broom in the pantry then you have every right to sweep the kitchen a couple times a week. This is a great system to use in the bathroom too. Keep a toilet brush and some cleaner in there and do a quick cleaning once a week. Since this was just a big issue, it might be worth letting everyone cool off for a month or so before getting into these habits but I think that this would be a great way to keep a clean apartment without it turing into a big deal. Good luck! I have had absolutely horrible living situations in the past... it sounds like you dont have that but just a few things that you guys need to address. I am sure that you will all be able to compromise.