How/when to let advisors know I'm getting married

[ed2122]

I'm just about to start my first year of my PhD program. Since I was accepted into the program, my now-fiance and I got engaged. We're older than most students in my program (29 - most new grads are 22-25) and we've been together forever so don't want to wait too long to actually get married. We are planning on early June of next year. So in addition to moving (twice - first by myself, then again in a few months when my fiance joins me) and starting a grad program, I will also be wedding planning this year. I'm aware I may be crazy. Luckily my mom will be playing a big part in the planning (she is retired) and funding, so it's not like I have to do it all myself. But it is something on my plate this year that will require my attention. Also, I think it would be super weird to not mention it to people I'm working with closely, especially since I might end up wanting to invite some of them. But I also don't want to start out my grad program by telling everyone right away and risk them thinking I'm not serious, I'm not going to be properly focused, etc. Not like marriage and a wedding is some ridiculous folly but still... perceptions can be weird in academia and I don't think any other students in the program are married. Heck, my secondary advisor (who I'll be working with this year while my primary advisor is on sabbatical) isn't even married himself.

 

When should I mention this to my advisors or others in my program, and what's the best way to do it? I will be dealing with some wedding stuff pretty early in the semester (visiting venues on one weekend, and then trying to secure vendors that must be booked far ahead) and I don't want to seem like I'm hiding things, but at the same time I don't want that to be my first impression.

[GeoDUDE!]

Just remember to present the virgin's flow when you tell your advisor about the marriage. 

 

 

But in all seriousness, its a misconception that many first years make that their advisor expects them to put their life on hold in order to work! I think they will all be very happy for you. 

 

I would just mention it casually, especially if you are inviting your advisor; if you do some sort of save the date or invitation months in advance that would be one way to do it. 

 

Think of it this way, how would you tell your boss and coworkers?

[lyrehc]

You don't really have to say much.  Most classes have you introduce yourself.  Just say "I'm ____, a 1st-year PhD student interested in _(area of focus)_, and I'm getting married in June."  The details of wedding planning don't need to be shared.  Depending on the size of the program, just like some people have a cat, or have kids, or like sushi, you'll be someone engaged.  

 

It happens a lot.  In my program 3 women were married this summer.

[ProfLorax]

Actually, I think it's important for our advisors to know that we have priorities outside of the academy. My advisors were among the first people I told I was pregnant, and they all hugged me with enthusiastic congratulations. I still get the same emails about CFP's of interest, but now they are coupled with articles about motherhood in academia. So my advisors still see me as a scholar, but also acknowledge that I have a life and interests outside of grad school as well. 

[perpetuavix]

Congratulations on your engagement! I just got married two months ago, and wedding planning was pretty enjoyable and not super stressful (I was very surprised by both of these things). Especially if you have someone to help you make decisions and pay, you'll be fine! 

For me, I wouldn't announce my impending marriage as my first introduction in my classes. But it's pretty easy when you start talking with anyone, advisors or classmates, to mention that you have a fiance (I hated saying that word.... but then people almost always ask you when you're getting married). For me, I'd rather just work it into a conversation naturally than lead with it. But whatever works for you! 

If anyone does give you hassle about how getting married makes you seem not as serious, you can show them this study that Eigen pointed to in another thread that I found super interesting: https://www.ilr.cornell.edu/cheri/workingpapers/upload/cheri_wp94.pdf

[Munashi]

I'll be tying the knot myself this October.  My advisor had heard me refer to my SO as "my fiance", and asked when the wedding was.  I told him.  It was not a problem at all - despite the fact that the wedding is both mid-semester and out of state.  Just mention it whenever you'd feel comfortable doing so.

[bsharpe269]

I don't really think this is a big deal either way... I mean how would you tell people that you had a boyfriend or child or enjoy a certain hobby? I would tell them that you have a fiance in the same way. You wouldn't go out of your way to tell your advisor that you enjoy running and worry that he wouldnt take you seriously if you spend your weekends racing. I don't see how having a close relationship with someone is any different. I am sure that your fiance will come up in conversation when discussing weekend plans or your move together or whatever, just like your siblings and hobbies will be brought up.

 

I am currently engaged and working on my masters and applying for phd programs this fall. When speaking with people, my fiance often comes up in conversation but I don't go out of my way to tell people that I am getting married either. I think that some people let the fact that they are getting married take over their life which I don't have time to do. We are having a 1.5 year engagement so that we have planning time without stress and are also planning a small wedding since neither of us has the time to plan a huge wedding.

 

In summary, I think that you are thinking too much into this. Youre going to fill your weekends with things like hiking, yoga, painting (or whatever you enjoy), and also wedding planning and you can spend your weekends however you want. If people judge or dont take you seriously due to how you spend your free time then I wouldn't really want to get close to them anyway.

[Vene]

Congratulations. I don't have anything to add about the academic side of things, but I wish you and your fiance a long, happy marriage.

[St Andrews Lynx]

Another reason to tell your advisor in advance is that summer funding is usually a separate/different thing from the academic year funding. If your advisor is expecting you to TA over the summer, then arranging cover for the honeymoon, etc is something you should sort out early. Or if your advisor is paying you directly over the summer as a Research Assistant then that is another situation where they should be informed in good time. 

 

Honestly though, getting married isn't that big of a deal in grad school. Most PIs who are married will have done it at some point on the academic track. 

[ed2122]

Thanks everyone! You're right that I was overthinking this. I won't worry about it and I'm sure it'll come up in conversation at some point. I will have to ask my advisor about taking time off, but I don't think they have grad students in my department TA over the summer, and our summer funding is guaranteed by the department, so I can't imagine taking time will be an issue. We're not going on our honeymoon right away anyway - probably waiting until next year.

[Sigaba]

@ed2112 Congratulations on your engagement!

 

MOO, wait until you get to your program and you've had a chance to assess the department's environment. Learn what you can from the department's administrative staff and a couple of ABDs. You might find out that faculty, staff, and even a couple of graduate students had just buried the skeletons of life-changing events that went off the rails. In such a situation, what might be cause for celebration could stir up mixed emotions and behaviors. While the latter could be inappropriate, and also illegal, you, as a new student, might never know what was going on.

 

Here's an example of what I mean. A professor received a busload of congratulations when she announced that she was expecting her second child. During the pregnancy there were some complications. As the due date neared, she learned that she wasn't going to get tenure. So while the department was genuinely happy for her, not the least because she was well liked by all, the Powers That Be didn't let affection and sentiment get in the way from enforcing the prime directive of the Ivory Tower: publish or perish.

[dr. t]

Here's an example of what I mean. A professor received a busload of congratulations when she announced that she was expecting her second child. During the pregnancy there were some complications. As the due date neared, she learned that she wasn't going to get tenure. So while the department was genuinely happy for her, not the least because she was well liked by all, the Powers That Be didn't let affection and sentiment get in the way from enforcing the prime directive of the Ivory Tower: publish or perish.

 

I'm unclear as to what this example shows about this department, or what broader rule one might take from it. Can you clarify?

[12345678900987654321]

You don't really have to say much.  Most classes have you introduce yourself.  Just say "I'm ____, a 1st-year PhD student interested in _(area of focus)_, and I'm getting married in June."  The details of wedding planning don't need to be shared.  Depending on the size of the program, just like some people have a cat, or have kids, or like sushi, you'll be someone engaged.  

 

It happens a lot.  In my program 3 women were married this summer.

 I like how this person phrased it. 

[Sigaba]

I'm unclear as to what this example shows about this department, or what broader rule one might take from it. Can you clarify?

 

The example is meant to illustrate that no matter how collegial and nurturing a department may be (she was genuinely admired) there may come a point where the Powers That Be interpret life changing events in ways one rather they not. In her cause, my informed guess is that they grew weary of waiting for her to become the historian she could become.

 

As for a general rule of thumb, I tend to be very reserved when it comes to details about my personal life when dealing with professors (and bosses in the private sector) until they get to know me and I them. This approach may be too restrictive for those who are genuine people persons. But I think the approach earned me a certain level of trust, and from there, mentoring, from a few professors (and bosses). I also benefitted by not getting drawn into any of the personality clashes that bubbled up now and again.

[dr. t]

The example is meant to illustrate that no matter how collegial and nurturing a department may be (she was genuinely admired) there may come a point where the Powers That Be interpret life changing events in ways one rather they not. In her cause, my informed guess is that they grew weary of waiting for her to become the historian she could become.

 

OK, but from the details you've given, it seems that there's no causal relationship between her sharing personal information and failure to get tenure. If she had not shared any parts of her private life, ceteris paribus, she would still have been denied tenure because publish or perish is real. In other words, being friends won't save you professionally. On the other hand, it was my impression (perhaps incorrect), that you saw this story as an example of why one should not share one's personal life too readily. If that is indeed an accurate representation of your intent, can you walk me from point A to point B?

[LittleDarlings]

Why do you have to tell them at all? I am just curious, I just finished orientation and I met one of my advisors the other I haven't.. But I can't imagine telling them about my personal life.  I mean it isn't a big deal either way to them, I doubt they will lighten the load for you to get married.. Maybe they will? Idk. I just don't know why it is important to tell them.  

[Sigaba]

OK, but from the details you've given, it seems that there's no causal relationship between her sharing personal information and failure to get tenure. If she had not shared any parts of her private life, ceteris paribus, she would still have been denied tenure because publish or perish is real. In other words, being friends won't save you professionally. On the other hand, it was my impression (perhaps incorrect), that you saw this story as an example of why one should not share one's personal life too readily. If that is indeed an accurate representation of your intent, can you walk me from point A to point B?

Thanks for the close reading. I did fail to connect A to B.

The point I am trying to make is that if one does not know a department's recent history, an announcement could inadvertently touch a nerve. The example I used is a hypothetical "for instance." A department could feel burned by a member prioritizing his/her personal life (point A) and then have a less friendly approach to those who subsequently appear to fall into that pattern (point B ) .

I was suggesting, albeit inarticulately, that the OP sniff the wind before disclosing information that could be misconstrued by a professor as "another newlywed here we go again."

To be clear, that kind of thought pattern is in appropriate if not also illegal if it impacts behavior. But how would one know one was being punished?

Also, I am not convinced that the professor I mentioned could not have been given a temporary reprieve had she demonstrated a higher level of commitment to her craft. She had a manuscript that was close to completion. She said in a seminar, and later denied it, that she'd received an accommodation when she'd been hired. So I think she may have experienced point B herself. (My thought is she could have been guided through the process of taking a maternity leave, finding a way to tack on some more leave with the guidance "if that book is not in press by the time you are scheduled to come back, don't bother coming back.") Instead, she didn't get tenure, left, and her book was published the following year.

[dr. t]

I was suggesting, albeit inarticulately, that the OP sniff the wind before disclosing information that could be misconstrued by a professor as "another newlywed here we go again."

 

Aaaaah, crystal. Thanks.

[ProfLorax]

I also wanted to add: during Fall orientation and the first week of classes, you'll be asked over and over again, "what did you do this summer?" Seems like a natural place to let people know!