Undergrad wanting to date a grad student

[Between Fields]

Whatever.  I am not even going to argue this anymore. It is dumb.  He obviously doesn't want her, he hasn't talked to her in months, why is this even a discussion still? My opinion is unchanged. I think a man in his late 20s who would date a teen has some issues, it isn't even that he has issues I guess, I mean who wouldn't want "a newer model" but I just don't think it can last long term.  I doubt a 29 year old man is going to marry his 19 year old girlfriend, I mean really.  I don't even think I said that you CANNOT EVER date older, I am just saying don't be a teenager dating that much older.  I obviously have no problem with being an adult and dating someone older. I'm 23 I want marriage and kids ASAP and a 23 year old isn't into that.  I don't mind dating 30 and up but like I said I am 23 dating older not a teenager. That is my opinion, you don't have to agree but it isn't changing.  

 

There's a not insignificant amount of information out there that says our brains aren't completely finished forming and maturing until we're 25 or possibly later. You actually have a lot more in common cognitively with teenagers than those 30+ year olds that you've been dating. I'm too lazy to go check JSTOR, but there are some popular press articles:

 

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=141164708

http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-24173194

http://online.wsj.com/news/articles/SB10000872396390443713704577601532208760746

 

So to claim you're 23 and you're an expert on relationships or are significantly more mature than 18-19 year olds is problematic. With that being said, many, many people date younger and older than themselves. College students are going to date and hookup, and most of it won't lead to marriage, so I'm not sure why you brought that up in your last post... But, it is possible; my grandparents had a 17 year age gap, and then went on to be married for 55 years.

 

But why does it matter if it wouldn't last long term? Did she say she was looking for a husband? Wanting to go on a date doesn't mean she wants to get hitched.

[LittleDarlings]

Your grandparents came from a different time so that's not even relevant. I'm done with this argument. Don't ask me any questions, I said what I had to say. A grown man dating a teen is bad. The end. But doesn't look like he's dating her anyways so who really cares? Doesn't look like he's even made an effort to talk to her in months.

[dr. t]

[dat_nerd]

Keep in mind that people mature at different rates. While maturity often corresponds to age, that isn't always the case.

Edited September 22, 2014 by dat_nerd

[juilletmercredi]

I don't see how any of this is directly relevant to what the OP asked.  The grad student may be interested in her - it's definitely not unheard of for older people to be interested in, date, and marry younger people.  A 9-year age gap isn't even the largest I've ever seen.  What averages are and whether women typically ask out men or vice versa is sort of unrelated...because we are talking about a very particular man, whose preferences we cannot divine from statistics.

 

That said, I think, OP, that our interest in others can cause us to over-interpret the signals they send to us.  It's possible he was interested in you, and possible that you are just that cute girl he saw at the gym and interacted with on a regular basis.  He may have not asked you for your number because he was nervous even though he liked you - or maybe he's just nice, but not interested.

 

Anyway, the only way to know is to ask him directly.  He hasn't made a move, even though you left the opening for him, so if you really want to see what's  up with this guy, take a risk and ask him out.  Since you want to go hiking, be bold and just ask "Hey, I found this cool hiking trail.  Wanna come try it with me X day?"  The coy hinting and waiting for him to ask you doesn't work, so go for what you want.  If he says no, you're none the worse - just in the same place you are now.

 

As for the Psych Today article graphs on page 2 - as a social scientist myself I can't resist pointing out that this is a pretty unreliable survey to draw conclusions from.  I'm not unwilling to believe that men ask women out more often than women ask men out.  But the survey was done with just 31 men and 55 women, the majority of whom were college students and thus probably aged 18-22 (and also the other demographics that go along with college students - probably mostly white; decidedly all heterosexual; probably mostly middle or upper-middle-class, etc.)  We can't really generalize from 87 heterosexual teenagers, basically, what adult dating patterns are like.  I would imagine that the gender balance of preference and action becomes more equal as people get older.

[bsharpe269]

Regarding the who asks who out conversation, I want to point out that academia is a bit of an unusual place. In general, people who live by the norm and within social conventions are not pursing academia. I would think that women who follow these social conventions are probably more interested in careers that are considered more female oriented like nursing or teaching. I am a woman who lives by the mindset that I want to pursue whatever makes me the happiest, whether that is science, a hobby, a friendship, or romantic relationship. I have been in 3 serious relationships and I asked out the man in 2 of the 3. I doubt this is that uncommon here.