Malicious cohort member...should I seek help from my advisor?

[Grand cru]

I am 3 years into my 5 year PhD program in anthropology, and there are three people in my cohort who all started our PhD degrees at the same time.  One member of my cohort is basically MIA, while the other member, for some reason that I do not 100% understand, has been treating me maliciously since day 1 of the program.  This cohort member has been at this same university from undergrad and now through PhD, while I only arrived at the university three years ago, to pursue my PhD.  The two of us, along with our advisor and the visiting post-doc currently in our lab, are researching the same field site every summer, and spend quite a bit of time in the lab together during the academic year, although we work separately in the lab because our dissertation topics do not overlap, AT ALL.  

 

This cohort member ignores me completely when we are in the lab unless I ask her a question; yet, she talks to everyone else. The post-doc and this cohort member, who worked together on a project before I arrived to the university, pretend as if I don't exist when they have conversations in the lab.  Only when this cohort member is not present will the post-doc speak to me, and is actually quite pleasant when he discuss things in her absence.  She will only speak to me when necessary and when in the presence of other superiors or our advisor. Therefore, I've concluded that it is really only this one cohort member who is being so troublesome.  (Other observers have agreed that she treats me quite maliciously.)

 

This situation has reached the point where every action she takes makes it seem to me like she's trying to alienate me from our team and/or our advisor. In the field in the summer, she completely ignores me during fieldwork and social events alike (even though we are both project supervisors). She's taken control over advertising for our lab and updates her research information but 'forgets' to update mine.  She's arranged two lab- and project-related events this fall specifically on dates that she knew I would be away at conferences.  She arranges other informal events with the post-doc and other individual students working in the lab without including me.  In fact, she sometimes arranges these events in front of me.  Based on the way that she treats me, I have no desire to ask to come along at this time.  

 

I have tried to be friendly with this cohort member, from trying to discuss issues in our general field to talking about the weather or other trivial matters.  However, I have only ever received terse responses from her (as if I insulted her by my simply being there); then, she immediately redirects her attention to the post-doc or to any other person in the lab/field.   Does she see me as her inferior and/or competition (in that I'm a bit younger than her, have obtained a major funding award for my PhD, and have received degrees at quite reputable institutions prior to coming to this university)?  Is she trying to win the favor of our advisor because, since my arrival, I've been taking some of his attention away from her?  It seems to me that our advisor supports us equally and thinks of us as equals.

 

I feel that, as cohort members, discussions about our different topics could benefit the both of us.  In fact, our exact field of research is so small that we will likely be seeing each other at conferences and workshops for the rest of our careers! We have the potential to help each other through our degrees and in the future, but for some reason, she does not seem open to this despite my friendly attempts.

 

I truly despise drama (as I believe our advisor does), and I really just want to get along with this cohort member and be able to have discussions/work with her.  However, I am at a point where her actions are making so miserable that I'm considering trying to arrange to be away from the lab for the next two years, which would actually be detrimental to my research/dissertation. What should I do? Should I "suck it up" and "ride it out" for the next two years? Should I bring this issue up with my advisor?  

 

Any advice is welcome. Thanks in advance!

[orangeglacier]

I think you're letting her get to you too much.  It sounds like she has a grudge against you for whatever reason (maybe legitimate, maybe illegitimate), and she certainly sounds like an unpleasant person, but it also doesn't sound like she's actively causing trouble for you.  The one thing you mentioned that I would stand up for and complain about is if she's trying to schedule an important meeting while you're away.  There are always going to be people you don't like that you have to deal with, at least this person isn't trying to get you fired, or spreading rumors, or any number of things more nasty than "she won't talk to me".  If her ignoring you is making you that miserable, you might want to consider if your reaction is out of proportion, and I wouldn't bring your advisor into it except for matters like "our lab has an important meeting and she's trying to schedule it when I'm out of town".

 

I would also suggest trying to talk to her about what the source of her grudge is.  You have a lot of speculation here about why she doesn't like you, but why not just ask her?  There could be some offense you don't know you committed, and an apology could save you this trouble if that's the case.

[ProfLorax]

I don't necessarily see how she is acting "maliciously" toward you, but I do see how her actions are hurtful. She's actively excluding you socially and intellectually from your cohort and your project. That shit hurts! I know it does; I've been in similar work situations. Your hurt is valid. Unfortunately, until she actively disrupts your work, I don't know how helpful your advisor will be. I would focus on building a supportive, productive environment without her. Sure, she makes plans with your peers, but you can also make plans with them. Don't allow this colleague to dictate the tone of your grad school experience. 

 

In the immortal words of Taylor Swift, until the situation escalates, Shake It Off! I know this can be hard. I'm sensitive, so rude and mean-spirited behavior really affects me. But at the end of the day, the haters gonna hate hate hate, and I just don't have time for that shit! Also, sometimes confidence and a general "shake it off" approach to workplace bullies can disorient and even silence them. 

 

 

One caveat: If the conflict escalates, and her rudeness turns into harassment, sabotage, or bullying, then yes, absolutely talk to your advisor. 

[Grand cru]

 

I don't necessarily see how she is acting "maliciously" toward you, but I do see how her actions are hurtful. She's actively excluding you socially and intellectually from your cohort and your project. That shit hurts! I know it does; I've been in similar work situations. Your hurt is valid. Unfortunately, until she actively disrupts your work, I don't know how helpful your advisor will be. I would focus on building a supportive, productive environment without her. Sure, she makes plans with your peers, but you can also make plans with them. Don't allow this colleague to dictate the tone of your grad school experience. 

 

In the immortal words of Taylor Swift, until the situation escalates, Shake It Off! I know this can be hard. I'm sensitive, so rude and mean-spirited behavior really affects me. But at the end of the day, the haters gonna hate hate hate, and I just don't have time for that shit! Also, sometimes confidence and a general "shake it off" approach to workplace bullies can disorient and even silence them. 

 

Thanks to you both for your thoughtful input.  I appreciate an outsider's opinion as I realize that I'm probably too frustrated with this cohort member at this point to see the situation clearly.  I can now understand how complaining that "she won't talk to me" sounds quite trivial, and not malicious.  I like the idea of trying to plan an event myself for our entire lab (including her).  After all, I think we can accomplish much more as a complete lab team.  In the meantime, I really appreciate your supportive advice, proflorax, to "Shake it Off" a la Taylor Swift.  I will certainly try to follow this advice when having to deal with this colleague's actions, and I will have Taylor Swift's song running through my head to help 

[dr. t]

I still think it would be useful to find out what the underlying issue is. Can you talk to the post-doc, who seems to be a bit of a go-between?

[1Q84]

(Other observers have agreed that she treats me quite maliciously.)

Be careful that you don't get too involved with this type of "drama." You never know who is talking to who when it comes to interpersonal situations like this. In her eyes, it could be taken as you starting trouble with her by talking about her to other people in the department.

Edited December 10, 2014 by 1Q84

[ProfLorax]

Be careful that you don't get too involved with this type of "drama." You never know who is talking to who when it comes to interpersonal situations like this. In her eyes, it could be taken as you starting trouble with her by talking about her to other people in the department.

I agree with IQ48 here. Sometimes, people just don't like us. And sometimes, those people are mean about it. I think it's best to just ignore and move on rather than get to the root of this colleague's rudeness. 

 

ETA: I speak from experience. I had one coworker who acted very similarly to me. I went home always cranky and defeated. I obsessively tried figuring out why she was so mean, including asking around. It ended up all being pretty futile. I never discovered why she behaved the way she did. I was only happy once I decided to just Shake It Off and go about my own day.

 

 

I will certainly try to follow this advice when having to deal with this colleague's actions, and I will have Taylor Swift's song running through my head to help  

Yes! I never thought a song by TSwift would become my power anthem, but against all odds, it really has! 

[rockhopper]

To the OP- Unfortunately it's a hard situation when you're seeing this person every day. I had a situation in my department where I was originally good friends with another grad student who started my program when I did (not with the same adviser). We got along great first year, then did fieldwork together that summer for a month, and all of the sudden he hated me when we returned in Fall semester. To the point where the other grad students in the department would constantly come to me telling me he was speaking rudely about me behind my back. It hurt at first but then after a few months I decided to just stop caring, because I had literally done nothing to this person. He was acting like a child and I just didn't want to put in the energy to be upset anymore. It was difficult, though, because it was obvious to the other students that we did not get along. He eventually apologized (this year) after going through a bad breakup, but I told him I was too busy preparing for my defense to really get into it with him. 

 

My advice is to do you- and not worry for a second why she's being such an a**. It may be hard but don't give her the satisfaction of letting her bad juju get to you. You don't have time to deal with that negativity, you've got actual work to do, unlike her, when all she seems to do is be rude and immature.