Significant Others / Post-Acceptance Upheaval

[Pleaseinsertyournamehere]

I was so insanely relieved to see this thread. 

 

My situation: 

 

Finishing my undergraduate degree and applied to several MA programs. My SO and I have been together for a little under 12 months. He would not be furthering his degree and would be moving with me and then trying to find a job. Has anyone had to make this decision? I am just looking at how graduate studies can put a lot of stress on the relationship and what the pressure of moving FOR or WITH someone can do. 

 

I hope I was clear enough! If anyone has any experience with this or is in a similar situation I would really appreciate any insight.

 

xxx 

[snyegurachka]

I was so insanely relieved to see this thread. 

 

My situation: 

 

Finishing my undergraduate degree and applied to several MA programs. My SO and I have been together for a little under 12 months. He would not be furthering his degree and would be moving with me and then trying to find a job. Has anyone had to make this decision? I am just looking at how graduate studies can put a lot of stress on the relationship and what the pressure of moving FOR or WITH someone can do. 

 

I hope I was clear enough! If anyone has any experience with this or is in a similar situation I would really appreciate any insight.

 

xxx 

 

I did a bit of the opposite and decided to attend an MA program (I had started another before I found out I was accepted to the second) to be with someone I had started dating long distance. It was a different situation though; he and I were friends for 3+ years before we started dating. Though I was not much older than you are (22 when he and I started dating), he was ~30. It was also different because I moved with a plan to do something. Moving with another person without a plan and hoping to find a job, especially after only dating for a year, is a recipe for disaster. My partner and I have been dating for two years, have been living together ~1.5 years, and have been friends for at least 5, and my boyfriend is just now feeling 99% certain about moving with me if/when I start a phd. Of course I don't know the specifics of your relationship, but definitely the power dynamic of one person doing something and the other just being there can make a relationship very difficult. I don't think an MA is more stressful than working full time, but moving and starting over definitely are.

[Man in the black hat.]

anyone had to make this decision? I am just looking at how graduate studies can put a lot of stress on the relationship and what the pressure of moving FOR or WITH someone can do. 

 

I hope I was clear enough! If anyone has any experience with this or is in a similar situation I would really appreciate any insight.

 

 

 

Greetings from the fiance' of a someone who I jokingly refer to as my perpetual student.  It's definitely stressful, there is no use in sugar coating that fact... especially to be a successful graduate student I've learned there is a balance where I have to allow her time and space to do her thing while also having plenty of my own going on (work, hobbies, making new friends, etc).  I moved both FOR and WITH her for her current masters studies, and will be doing the same (hopefully!) pending this years app season for her PhD.

 

I can't give any insight to doing it straight out of undergrad; we were both young professionals with real-life jobs when she made the decision to go back to school, and I have been incredibly thankful in that my job has let me work remotely as I support her. The key thing I would say though; make sure it is a decision you make together. Before she even started applications for her masters, and now her PhD, we charted out schools by rank, geography, cost of living, climate, job prospects, etc... You don't want to feel like you are dragging him with you, and he won't want to just tag along unless it's something you do together and resent you for "making him do it". (of course... I don't know you or him, so pardon generalizations there)

 

I'm sure there is a way to make it work out of ugrad too, but don't be surprised if you hit some rocks along the way, and always know what you'll do in a worst-case scenario (you lose funding if you get it, he can't find a job, you somehow fall out of love) but just do what is best for you, and if he wants to come along and truly be a part of your ride, he'll let you know

[snyegurachka]

Before she even started applications for her masters, and now her PhD, we charted out schools by rank, geography, cost of living, climate, job prospects, etc... You don't want to feel like you are dragging him with you, and he won't want to just tag along unless it's something you do together and resent you for "making him do it". 

 

This thing exactly! I ruled out a couple of schools (Penn state, Princeton, Cornell, University of Rochester, Rutgers) because they were places that would be super difficult for my partner to find a job and/or apply to MSW programs. There were other reasons that I ruled out these schools as well, but location played a large factor. I am at a point now with my relationship and my career that each has at least equal hold, and I didn't want to put myself or my partner in a position of having to choose between our relationship and all the other things we each have going on in our lives. If your feeling is MA > relationship, maybe listen to it. 

 

The first time I moved to be with a partner was a few months after I graduated from college, and it went quite poorly. I had a shitty 40 hour a week, minimum wage (~$8/hr) job in a very expensive city, wasn't really able to make friends because of it, and realized through my struggling and boyfriend's lack of support/understanding that our relationship just wasn't going to work. It doesn't have to be shitty like that, but the post college months are super rough on most people, I think.

[Dr. Old Bill]

Yep, a lot of these stories and experiences resonate with me too.

 

I've actually followed my wife three times now -- once when I immigrated and moved from Vancouver to D.C., once when she got a great job in Norfolk, VA, and then most recently when she transitioned back to D.C. again. It's why we live where we do -- I commute 100 miles to my campus, she commutes 50 miles (albeit in much heavier traffic) to work, and we both get to be about equally miserable with our living situation! As a result, I don't feel too bad about urging her to try to follow me wherever I wind up getting in (IF I get in, of course). LIkewise, she is on board with following me, so long as she can find a job in her field. That qualification might be the difficult sticking point, however, but for the last two or three weeks I've been mentally steeling myself for the possibility / probability that we will have to live apart for at least some of the time. Surprisingly enough, I find this doesn't make me hold closer schools in any higher esteem than they were before. I figure that our long-term goal as a couple (and future family) benefits the most by me attending the best program for me from a number of perspectives. In short, we'll just have to consider all of our options, assuming there are options to be considered...

[sillyrabbit]

My partner is applying to programs in Chemistry, so she's already started to hear back. It's a strange position to be in--I'm nearly comically happy for her, but we also now have to both wait for baited breath to see if I will be anywhere close-by. Is anyone else jointly applying and experiencing this?

 

Yes! My partner is a Chemistry major but decided to go the MD/PhD route. He's applying with me this year. My first acceptance this year was also a place that sent my partner an offer. We still have to wait to hear back from the rest of our programs, obviously, before we make a final decision. But, nonetheless, it's great to know that we have one option on the table.

 

Fingers cross that it works out for you!

[BLeonard]

This has been a major factor in where I have chosen to apply to grad school. My wife, due to the licensing of her job, can only work in that field in New York/New Jersey, and as I am a returning undergraduate student (I'll be 31 when I graduate), any place we move to is a place where we might be spending more than the 7 years of a grad program. This initially proved challenging, as part of my interest was in slavery, the Civil War, and Southern Literature -- so, of course, the best schools for that would have been in the South and that would have been difficult with regards to a move. I eventually chose to limit my selection of schools to the Northeast. 

 

When we began applying to these programs, I had thought that my first choice would be a program in the New York City area, where we live, but we've actually been talking a lot about moving out of the city. Our dog was recently hit by a car, and that sort of solidified some priorities for me in the aftermath of his accident (he's okay). Personally, I'd be happy anywhere -- every program I applied to is one I could see myself studying at -- but I think my wife is leaning hard towards Princeton or one of the other "college towns." 

[Dr. Old Bill]

That awkward moment when your S.O. suddenly starts freaking out about the possibility of rejection even more than you are...

[Hannalore]

That awkward moment when your S.O. suddenly starts freaking out about the possibility of rejection even more than you are...

 

I'm having the same issue. My SO has come to despise his job so much that staying in it another year is simply not an option for him. The company itself is imploding in a spectacular fashion too, so staying is probably not even a wise career move. Add to that that my Master's is wrapping up in May...so when our lease is up, we've got to go somewhere. Of course, if I get a stack of rejections, we don't know where that somewhere will be. There's no reason to stay here, but I'd be doing another round of applications in a year so moving elsewhere is potentially a waste of resources and would mess up his resume.

 

We have no idea what will happen. His life is pretty much hanging in the balance as much as mine is. As you can imagine, our house is a pretty tense place.

[Dr. Old Bill]

We have no idea what will happen. His life is pretty much hanging in the balance as much as mine is. As you can imagine, our house is a pretty tense place.

 

Gah! Sorry, Hannalore!

 

Yes, now that I have a rejection to my name, I have a feeling that things are going to be tense unless and until I get an acceptance. Madison was a fairly high choice for me anyhow, but part of my hopes were tied up in how early they report back. Had it been an acceptance, it would have been much less tense and stressful for the duration. Alas!

[sillyrabbit]

That awkward moment when your S.O. suddenly starts freaking out about the possibility of rejection even more than you are...

 

Sorry to hear that, WT... just think...when you finally get your acceptance, you will bring your S.O. that much more joy! haha

Edited January 24, 2015 by sillyrabbit

[Pleaseinsertyournamehere]

I did a bit of the opposite and decided to attend an MA program (I had started another before I found out I was accepted to the second) to be with someone I had started dating long distance. It was a different situation though; he and I were friends for 3+ years before we started dating. Though I was not much older than you are (22 when he and I started dating), he was ~30. It was also different because I moved with a plan to do something. Moving with another person without a plan and hoping to find a job, especially after only dating for a year, is a recipe for disaster. My partner and I have been dating for two years, have been living together ~1.5 years, and have been friends for at least 5, and my boyfriend is just now feeling 99% certain about moving with me if/when I start a phd. Of course I don't know the specifics of your relationship, but definitely the power dynamic of one person doing something and the other just being there can make a relationship very difficult. I don't think an MA is more stressful than working full time, but moving and starting over definitely are.

I really appreciate the insight more than you know! It's just nice to hear other stories and start picturing what next year is going to be like. Best of luck with your phd and thank you again. 

[Pleaseinsertyournamehere]

Greetings from the fiance' of a someone who I jokingly refer to as my perpetual student.  It's definitely stressful, there is no use in sugar coating that fact... especially to be a successful graduate student I've learned there is a balance where I have to allow her time and space to do her thing while also having plenty of my own going on (work, hobbies, making new friends, etc).  I moved both FOR and WITH her for her current masters studies, and will be doing the same (hopefully!) pending this years app season for her PhD.

 

I can't give any insight to doing it straight out of undergrad; we were both young professionals with real-life jobs when she made the decision to go back to school, and I have been incredibly thankful in that my job has let me work remotely as I support her. The key thing I would say though; make sure it is a decision you make together. Before she even started applications for her masters, and now her PhD, we charted out schools by rank, geography, cost of living, climate, job prospects, etc... You don't want to feel like you are dragging him with you, and he won't want to just tag along unless it's something you do together and resent you for "making him do it". (of course... I don't know you or him, so pardon generalizations there)

 

I'm sure there is a way to make it work out of ugrad too, but don't be surprised if you hit some rocks along the way, and always know what you'll do in a worst-case scenario (you lose funding if you get it, he can't find a job, you somehow fall out of love) but just do what is best for you, and if he wants to come along and truly be a part of your ride, he'll let you know

Thank you for taking time to reply to my post! I really appreciate your willingness to share your experience. Best of luck to your wife with her PhD and thank you again

[volitans]

I think about and try to have this conversation over and over as I'm approaching my application season. My husband doesn't like important talks.

 

I've already "put off" moving away by taking a general Masters from my undergrad university. I've got a double-edged bit of persuasion this year, seeing as he's lost five jobs now (in one year). So, as I'm the only one keeping my jobs (which were online-based in preparation), he's not really losing anything! That's my argument, at least. His career is in tech--I think he'd be set in most university-sized cities. 

 

He has firm opinions on where he doesn't want to live, obliterating most of the North East and West coast for me. But I didn't have super high hopes of getting into those programs anyway. Truly, I don't know how I'd handle being out of the South. I've never lived anywhere but Texas. 

 

I'm also scared I'll stay compliant and not move and just go for one of the several non-fitting programs nearby. 

[pannpann]

This thread is such a huge comfort!

 

I've been out of undergrad nearly two years and after having to move back to my hometown I started dating a friend-of-a-friend. It's been a year and a half and we're sure we want to stay together, and we decided that if he didn't get funding for school this spring (he's currently working toward an associates, but plans to get a nursing degree in the future) that instead of joining me when he graduates, he's going to move right with me in the fall. Well, his funding fell through, and he is 100% behind moving with me. He never went away to school, he's been working since high school, and he feels this is the perfect opportunity to finally leave the house and "be an adult." I know he's willing to move, and I have consulted him about the schools/areas through the whole application process, but I'm so worried about uprooting him. What if he hates it there? What if I hate it there? We're both (perpetually) low on funds, and he's currently unemployed. We've agreed we each need to save up enough for half a year's rent. I'm excited he wants to take this leap with me, but there's so much pressure! Plus, now I'm panicked that I won't get in anywhere and we'll be stuck in our hometown for another year, both living with our parents, because right now it's dependent on me that find somewhere to go. (And I can't afford to leave my current job because my student loans are so high from undergrad, so until I can defer as a full time student I won't be able to leave the area anyway.)

[1Q84]

This thread is such a huge comfort!

 

I've been out of undergrad nearly two years and after having to move back to my hometown I started dating a friend-of-a-friend. It's been a year and a half and we're sure we want to stay together, and we decided that if he didn't get funding for school this spring (he's currently working toward an associates, but plans to get a nursing degree in the future) that instead of joining me when he graduates, he's going to move right with me in the fall. Well, his funding fell through, and he is 100% behind moving with me. He never went away to school, he's been working since high school, and he feels this is the perfect opportunity to finally leave the house and "be an adult." I know he's willing to move, and I have consulted him about the schools/areas through the whole application process, but I'm so worried about uprooting him. What if he hates it there? What if I hate it there? We're both (perpetually) low on funds, and he's currently unemployed. We've agreed we each need to save up enough for half a year's rent. I'm excited he wants to take this leap with me, but there's so much pressure! Plus, now I'm panicked that I won't get in anywhere and we'll be stuck in our hometown for another year, both living with our parents, because right now it's dependent on me that find somewhere to go. (And I can't afford to leave my current job because my student loans are so high from undergrad, so until I can defer as a full time student I won't be able to leave the area anyway.)

 

Obviously I don't know your entire financial situation with you and your partner but from what you've written here, I would even suggest a) planning for more than half a year's rent as buffer and b.) looking into a shared house with several other roommates, which will save you both a substantial amount of money. Of course that requires a certain type of personality but if it's you and your partner's first time moving out, it can actually be nice to have people around in that way. You'll also be less strapped for cash and that has an incalculably positive effect on you concentrating on your school work!

 

Just food for thought

[tellyn]

Any non-Americas internationals out there? I'm going to have to start the long distance thing between US East Coast and Asia, then later France. The sheer distance shuts out any "moving together" possibilities, making the situation simpler (albeit painful). Immense fail expected but still, fingers crossed: Amor vincit omnia.

Edited February 12, 2015 by tellyn

[pannpann]

Obviously I don't know your entire financial situation with you and your partner but from what you've written here, I would even suggest a) planning for more than half a year's rent as buffer and b.) looking into a shared house with several other roommates, which will save you both a substantial amount of money. Of course that requires a certain type of personality but if it's you and your partner's first time moving out, it can actually be nice to have people around in that way. You'll also be less strapped for cash and that has an incalculably positive effect on you concentrating on your school work!

 

Just food for thought

Two of the programs I applied to are in cities that I know we'll need roommates to afford (CUNY and BU). And the reason I'm always strapped for funds is my student loans, which I won't be paying when I'm a full time student again. I'm really hoping I get into Hopkins or Indiana because besides the programs looking amazing, they also have reasonably priced studios and one bedrooms. But I guess we'll see. Thanks for the advice, I'm definitely trying to save more than I'll need, and I'm hoping he does the same.

[DinahBrand]

Any non-Americas internationals out there? I'm going to have to start the long distance thing between US East Coast and Asia, then later France. The sheer distance shuts out any "moving together" possibilities, making the situation simpler (albeit painful). Immense fail expected but still, fingers crossed: Amor vincit omnia.

I'm a Canadian who lives in Korea and is married to a Korean. Oddly enough, that situation makes moving to the US easier because of the size. I mean, if we lived, say, two hours apart in the US, we might not move together to wherever I go to school. However, because we already decided living on different continents is out of the question, it was easy to decided to go together. The only catch was getting into a well funded program, but fortunately I've got one acceptance that will provide enough for us both to live despite visa restrictions against us working.

That said, I'm not concerned that my wife might get lonely. I'm researching whatever I can to find social outlets in our new city, and then there's the fact that she'll have to get used to speaking English to more people than just me. Still, things are looking up!

[jujubea]

Any non-Americas internationals out there? I'm going to have to start the long distance thing between US East Coast and Asia, then later France. The sheer distance shuts out any "moving together" possibilities, making the situation simpler (albeit painful). Immense fail expected but still, fingers crossed: Amor vincit omnia.

 

I had to do the reverse for a job - SO stayed in US, I went to Asia. 

One of the most painful times of my adulthood... that was the hardest part about it - I missed him ALL the time, to tears often. We had frequent misunderstandings due to asynchronous communication, a couple of which almost resulted in breakup.

 

We held on for dear life and basically decided from the beginning to stick through it no matter what happens, and wait to see each other and be with each other again on the other side to make any decisions about our future. 

He ended up proposing to me about 6 months before I was due home to the U.S. and I said yes. 

We're getting married in a couple months

[Dr. Old Bill]

A bit off-topic (or back to the original topic, in a way), but with the offer of acceptance at UMD (albeit to the M.A. program), a lot of potential problems about the "significant other" issue are solved for my wife and I. Since she works in D.C. (and just got a nice promotion and raise), the opportunity to relocate to the D.C. area (we both currently commute a long distance in opposite directions) is quite welcome. It means that we won't need to be apart, or have to pay two rents etc. It just brings with it a lot of unexpected advantages.

 

While I would still prefer a Ph.D. somewhere, there is something downright serendipitous about this situation...so I'm no longer looking at it like a "good plan B," but rather an "alternate plan A."

[grishko]

I'm late to this thread, but wondering if anyone is dealing with a situation at all like mine. My boyfriend is in the sciences whereas I'm currently doing an MA in English, but he's at a very different point in his career: he's on the job market for faculty positions and has been offered a position at UCSD (which is great!). So there's a 90ish% chance that's where we'll be moving (him this fall and me once I finish my MA), and if I want to do a PhD, it'll have to be within a 2 hour radius of there. I've already decided that I would choose living with or near him over the PhD if I had to, and we are planning to start a family soon so I couldn't do long distance while I'm in the PhD program.

 

Knowing that I essentially have to get into one of 3-4 schools in order to stay in academia, I wonder if anyone has tips for how to maximize your chances? He thinks I should meet with POIs at UCSD and tell them that he will be joining the faculty and that I'm interested in their program, but this seems presumptuous to me... I don't know that they'd care at all what my situation is, particularly because he's in a completely different field. But I will be in SD a lot in the near future, including an upcoming visit for them to wine and dine us, so it seems a waste not to reach out to anyone.

 

I know this is a very specific problem, but just thought I'd put it out there. I don't even know if I should ask profs in my own MA program for advice... I'm afraid people will take me less seriously if they know I'm prioritizing my commitment to the relationship over maximizing my options for the PhD :/

[echo449]

I um don't have any experience with it, but I would bring this up to your MA professors. Let me put it this way, would you want to be in a field where people looked down on you for choosing financial stability and love over precariousness?

[empress-marmot]

Knowing that I essentially have to get into one of 3-4 schools in order to stay in academia, I wonder if anyone has tips for how to maximize your chances? He thinks I should meet with POIs at UCSD and tell them that he will be joining the faculty and that I'm interested in their program, but this seems presumptuous to me... I don't know that they'd care at all what my situation is, particularly because he's in a completely different field. But I will be in SD a lot in the near future, including an upcoming visit for them to wine and dine us, so it seems a waste not to reach out to anyone.

 

I went on a campus visit as a "prospective applicant," and I really think it was a mistake. Even though the DGS and the professors he directed me to speak with were very gracious, there was an undercurrent of why are you here in every conversation. 

 

People in the sciences might view it differently, but I wish I had kept my exchanges email-only. Perhaps you could pick one POI on campus, email him/her, and if s/he seems enthusiastic, mention that you will be in the area and would be happy to meet. 

[ProfLorax]

I agree that meeting with POIs could be awkward and unproductive at this stage, but you can make yourself known by presenting at the grad student conference and attending various talks put on by the department.