Is dating another grad student doomed to failure?

[Crucial BBQ]

Update: in a few weeks, we will have made it to the six-month marker. For at least a month now, I've been biting back the desire to tell him that I love him, because I'm terrified of what he's going to say. By the end of the summer he will be making his decision about where to take a job next year, and although chances are good that the job would be within this metropolitan area (i.e. within a 45 minute drive of the city we live in now), I don't know how to discuss this with him.

 

I want to let him know somehow that because I'm a mature, rational adult, I understand that he needs to make his decision and follow his own heart and that I won't pressure him to decide to stay for me, but on the other hand, because I love him, I'd be overjoyed if he stayed in the area and I'd be willing to make compromises so that we can stay together (i.e. live in another part of the metro area to be closer to him, drive to see him on weekends, etc.). He is opposed to long-distance (and frankly, I wouldn't see any healthy end to the time spent apart in this situation, which would be my condition for starting such a relationship in the first place). 

 

I made a promise to myself that if after six months I was sure I was in love, I'd be honest with him about my feelings (if I don't set a deadline I may never get up the courage). I don't know whether my confession will necessitate talking about the issue of his future location posthaste, but I'd really like to keep that a separate talk (I know it can be pretty intense when somebody drops the L-bomb, especially if you're not expecting it). Any advice on how to navigate both of these interactions in a healthy, mature, and not super weighted fashion? I don't want to make a big deal out if it, and I want to give him time to think about his response if he needs to.

I think it is odd that at close to six months you still have no idea on the "status" of the relationship.  I'm not talking about marriage or other big life changing events here; just that by six months you should know if this is something serious and long term, casual, or just a booty call.  I mean, the relationship should have a clear definition by now even if it has not been spoken (and it should be talked about, very soon!).  

 

Something else of concern is this:  this guy begun a relationship with you even though he knows he might be moving out of town; just like you, he has yet to those words, and just like you he has not established a clear definition of the relationship, but...  The fact that he has yet to do these things to me, as an adult male with lots of experience here, is red flag --in particular because he stated that he is opposed to a long-distance relationship which in many ways is his way of defining a boundary, and as such, the relationship.  

 

Also, anyone with experience--who is not desperate-- will see the dropping of the L word on a day that carries significant meaning as a form of manipulation.  I lost my grandmother on this day, she was the single most important person in my life.  I am so sad right now. By the way, I love you!  It's entrapment.  

 

I would suggest having a conversation about his potential move and what that would ultimately mean for the relationship.  If the conversation is positive, then go ahead and say it right there.  If not, ...

 

By the way, when you love someone you love them in a such a way that you would not impede on their own future plans, desires, and so on.  You want him to go because you love him, not because you "understand".  You also want him to stay because of hormones, desires, and so on... not because of love.  Love = letting go and trusting that the other is capable of making their own decisions, and even, making it on their own without you.  Love does not equal need.  

Edited April 16, 2015 by Crucial BBQ

[Sigaba]

Entire post.

At best your post is a collection of over generalizations about love and relationships.

At worst, your statements about what constitutes "desperate" behavior reflect a poor grasp of the OP's comments in this thread, the OP herself, and what others have already said.

[braindump]

At best your post is a collection of over generalizations about love and relationships.

At worst, your statements about what constitutes "desperate" behavior reflect a poor grasp of the OP's comments in this thread, the OP herself, and what others have already said.

 

Gonna have to agree here. Found the above post to be an overly negative generalization of what CrucialBBQ thinks your love life should be. No matter how much "experience" (congrats?) someone says they have, relationships are not clear-cut, step-by-step processes; everyone is different and you shouldn't base your relationship based on what others are doing with their lives. 

[Crucial BBQ]

At best your post is a collection of over generalizations about love and relationships.

At worst, your statements about what constitutes "desperate" behavior reflect a poor grasp of the OP's comments in this thread, the OP herself, and what others have already said.

Perhaps ambiguous (well, not in my mind since I know what I meant when I wrote it), reread my post; I never call the OP desperate.  Instead, I said that those who are not desperate, who have enough dating experience, would make the connection between the timing of the special event and the words I love you to be of little coincidence.  

 

Perhaps it is just me and I am projecting?  I dated a girl who I am positive had/has HPD (histrionic personality disorder), and boy was she a handful. I also dated a girl that had some serious dependency/codependency issues.    Both were charming in the beginning, for your FYI, and blindsided me later on--after I was "hooked".  What they both had in common was that they would both wait until certain situations before they pushed this or that by me almost guarantying an affirmative response.  It was manipulation:  if I agreed I was a sucker; if I disagreed I was a jerk.  No fun.  

 

Then perhaps I am not projecting.  I am probably a good deal older than you think.  I have been around the block a number of times with long-term relationships being the norm (~2-3 years).  I have read the OPs posts and advice regarding relationships are going to come with a fair amount of generalizations as we can only speak from our own experiences and it is our own experiences that shape our world-views, anyways.  Yes, my post was specifically generalized in some areas, a sort of take-or-leave-it if you will, and the OP is going to do what she is going to do regardless.  For those who are familiar with my postings, you may recall that I am from California and have lived in Kansas, Minnesota, Maine, Massachusetts, and Maryland (I suspect Montana or Missouri next). I have played the role of the OP and the role of BF, and believe me, I can sympathize. What prompted my response, and I'll rephrase my position here, is when I read that OP stated her BFs stance on LTR--that it is off the table-- I find to be a potential (as in, not absolute), red flag.  Granted, I, nor anyone else but the OP, knows the BFs side.  So it is all speculation as it is.  

 

With that, I wish the OP luck with the relationship and hope that it works out.  

 

@braindump

There is no right or wrong "way" to do a relationship as long as those involved are in agreement.  I do not think that the OPs love life should be anyway except for the way that the OP wants it to be.  

[Sigaba]

Perhaps ambiguous (well, not in my mind since I know what I meant when I wrote it), reread my post; I never call the OP desperate.  Instead, I said that those who are not desperate, who have enough dating experience, would make the connection between the timing of the special event and the words I love you to be of little coincidence.  

 

Perhaps it is just me and I am projecting?  I dated a girl who I am positive had/has HPD (histrionic personality disorder), and boy was she a handful. I also dated a girl that had some serious dependency/codependency issues.    Both were charming in the beginning, for your FYI, and blindsided me later on--after I was "hooked".  What they both had in common was that they would both wait until certain situations before they pushed this or that by me almost guarantying an affirmative response.  It was manipulation:  if I agreed I was a sucker; if I disagreed I was a jerk.  No fun.  

 

Then perhaps I am not projecting.  I am probably a good deal older than you think.  I have been around the block a number of times with long-term relationships being the norm (~2-3 years).  I have read the OPs posts and advice regarding relationships are going to come with a fair amount of generalizations as we can only speak from our own experiences and it is our own experiences that shape our world-views, anyways.  Yes, my post was specifically generalized in some areas, a sort of take-or-leave-it if you will, and the OP is going to do what she is going to do regardless.  For those who are familiar with my postings, you may recall that I am from California and have lived in Kansas, Minnesota, Maine, Massachusetts, and Maryland (I suspect Montana or Missouri next). I have played the role of the OP and the role of BF, and believe me, I can sympathize. What prompted my response, and I'll rephrase my position here, is when I read that OP stated her BFs stance on LTR--that it is off the table-- I find to be a potential (as in, not absolute), red flag.  Granted, I, nor anyone else but the OP, knows the BFs side.  So it is all speculation as it is.  

 

With that, I wish the OP luck with the relationship and hope that it works out.  

 

@braindump

There is no right or wrong "way" to do a relationship as long as those involved are in agreement.  I do not think that the OPs love life should be anyway except for the way that the OP wants it to be.  

 

Part of what made your previous post incredibly controversial is that men have used (and continue to use) various sorts of psychological "arguments" to say what is and isn't normal in interpersonal relationships. These efforts are part of a larger, centuries' old project of controlling women. These efforts continue despite the ever growing body of literature produced by professional clinicians that ultimately affirm braindump's thumbnail. Every relationship is different and if a relationship works for the people in it, there is no problem.

 

IRT your discussion of your "projecting", I do think there may be something to your self assessment that you're viewing the OP's experiences through the prism of what seems to be some challenging experiences. I also think that if you'd led your previous post with that type of disclosure, it still would have been controversial but it would have come across as less hostile to the OP. There are members of this BB who clearly show that they have little regard for others when it comes to romantic relationships. IMO maelia8 is not among them.

 

@maelia8, given your academic discipline, your specific fields of interest, the school you're attending, and phase of your training, my concern for you is that the time you are investing in your present relationship may impinge upon your preparation for qualifying exams, especially if things go in directions contrary to your preferences.

 

I am not suggesting that you take a specific course of action. I am recommending that you pay very close attention to how you feel, how you manage your time, and that you understand, however incompletely (at least until you go through the process yourself), that preparing for qualifying exams in history can be one hell of an emotional rollercoaster. The valley of "I'm not ready for quals" is deep and cold enough without also jumping into the river of "Where did things go wrong in that relationship?" (Or so I've heard.)

[maelia8]

@Sigaba, thanks very much for your concern about the effect of this relationship upon my academic performance and future. I'm happy to be able to inform you that it has had no bearing on my academic performance so far, and I don't intend to let it. I hope that my posts in this thread have not given anyone the impression that I spend all of my time agonizing over this relationship's future to to detriment of all other things - nothing could be further from the truth. I'm not the sort of person who allows my personal life to affect my academic performance, and for me, academics will always come first, at least as long as I'm a student. My relationship is important enough to me that I'm willing to invest time in making it good for me and my partner, but not to the detriment of anything else. To further assuage your worries, I don't have orals for another four or five semesters, so I should have this figured out long before then.

 

@CrucialBBQ, I completely agree with you that bringing up important relationship stuff on a birthday or anniversary can lead to a very loaded interaction, and, while choosing to say "I love you" on such a happy day might seem like the culmination of a great time to some, I can see how it could be interpreted by others as an effort to place pressure on the other person, and I'd like to assure you that manipulation was the furthest thing from my mind when I mentioned this possibility. That being said, I've certainly decided not to pursue that path due to the aforementioned risks, and will find some other way to bring up the subject that is less loaded. It's precisely because I care about this person so much that I've spent considerable time mulling over ways to be honest about how I feel while placing absolutely no pressure on the person to either respond in kind or to change their professional plans because of me. Like you, I've been around the block a bit and know how hard it is to successfully communicate your hopes  for a relationship without making your partner feel pressured to have the same ones, and it's because I'm been on both the giving and receiving end of such hopes in the past that I wish to be mature and realistic, but also honest and open in my communication. This can be scary to do no matter how old you are or how many relationships you've been in, so wish me luck

[artsy16]

As a soon to be grad student I found this thread helpful. Thanks maelia8 for sharing your personal experiences! Any updates? Hope it's good news.

[Anna Davis]

maelia8, at least you should try to make strong relationships.

I was dating a grad student, who I met at kovla site. We also had to decide to study hard or to spend more time for dating.

 

I straightly asked him about our future. Luckilly, we had the same views for it. We are still together and we will get married soon. Do not be afraid!

[FinallyAccepted]

@Sigaba, thanks very much for your concern about the effect of this relationship upon my academic performance and future. I'm happy to be able to inform you that it has had no bearing on my academic performance so far, and I don't intend to let it. I hope that my posts in this thread have not given anyone the impression that I spend all of my time agonizing over this relationship's future to to detriment of all other things - nothing could be further from the truth. I'm not the sort of person who allows my personal life to affect my academic performance, and for me, academics will always come first, at least as long as I'm a student. My relationship is important enough to me that I'm willing to invest time in making it good for me and my partner, but not to the detriment of anything else. To further assuage your worries, I don't have orals for another four or five semesters, so I should have this figured out long before then.

 

@CrucialBBQ, I completely agree with you that bringing up important relationship stuff on a birthday or anniversary can lead to a very loaded interaction, and, while choosing to say "I love you" on such a happy day might seem like the culmination of a great time to some, I can see how it could be interpreted by others as an effort to place pressure on the other person, and I'd like to assure you that manipulation was the furthest thing from my mind when I mentioned this possibility. That being said, I've certainly decided not to pursue that path due to the aforementioned risks, and will find some other way to bring up the subject that is less loaded. It's precisely because I care about this person so much that I've spent considerable time mulling over ways to be honest about how I feel while placing absolutely no pressure on the person to either respond in kind or to change their professional plans because of me. Like you, I've been around the block a bit and know how hard it is to successfully communicate your hopes  for a relationship without making your partner feel pressured to have the same ones, and it's because I'm been on both the giving and receiving end of such hopes in the past that I wish to be mature and realistic, but also honest and open in my communication. This can be scary to do no matter how old you are or how many relationships you've been in, so wish me luck

 

Did you end up figuring things out with this guy?

[maelia8]

Update: a couple of weeks after all of the big anniversary/birthday stuff, when we were on vacation and really relaxed/enjoying leisure time after the semester ended, I screwed up my courage and told him how I felt. It was really, really scary, but it was really a relief to do it! He wasn't surprised or upset at all, and was really happy that I'd told him what he'd been able to see for a long time.

 

He told me that he cares about me very much, but he's not sure where things are going with him yet after he graduates, and he needs some time to think about his future and what he wants. I'm giving him time to think (there's no hurry, I can wait another few months), and am enjoying our time together more than ever. Sometimes I still get sad or worried when I think about him potentially moving away, but I try to remind myself to enjoy the moment and make the most of what I have with him right now. 

 

At some point I will bring up future plans again, in more concrete terms, but for now, I'm giving him time and respecting his need to find his own way. I really hope that the future involves us continuing as partners, but regardless of what happens, I've been honest about my feelings and have no regrets.

[braindump]

I'm glad to hear it went well All the best to you two in the future!